Fundamentalists love to reference Ezekiel 22:30 “I sought for a man among them, that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap.” Those are indeed inspiring words that invoke all kinds of images of valiant struggles of days gone where a few men would hold off hordes of the enemy.

In reality, however, if the call is the spiritual equivalent joining the fight at Thermopylae, fundies are instead out bravely defending an ice floe somewhere in the arctic wasteland completely unaware that nobody actually cares if they hold that ground or not.

What do you do if you’re standing in the gap defending and nobody cares enough to try attacking? What if after you’ve raised your Authorized Sword and screamed out “You shall not pass!” you suddenly realize that the enemy is fighting on a different spiritual or cultural battlefield altogether?

The answer is simple. Quickly write to the editor of a like-minded fundy periodical and declare victory.