You read Christian fiction? Well, I only read missionary biographies since whatever isn’t true is bound to be a lie. And you know where liars go.

You don’t believe in kissing before you’re married? Well I don’t believe that married people should be intimate on their wedding night either. That time should be spent in prayers for their marriage and asking to be blessed with children as quickly as possible.

You don’t shop at stores that sell alcohol? I don’t shop at stores where any of the employees even drink alcohol. And I know because I ask each of them personally.

You only read the KJV? I only read Parris’s 1760 revision, second printing with the wood engravings of Adam and Eve au natural. Don’t be fooled by one of Satan’s counterfeits.

You only let your children court instead of date? Well I never let my son court a girl unless I’ve been taking her out myself for at least a year to make sure she’s a good and godly girl. And so far they’ve all been trollops.

You only listen to hymns? I only listen to a capella hymns performed by
people with whom I am in complete doctrinal agreement. Most of my cassette tapes are of Mama.

You go to church three times a week? Sometimes I go to church during the middle of a week day, stick a mirror on the front pew and preach to myself for an hour. It’s always good stuff too.

You tithe? Every week I stick my entire paycheck into the offering plate and then pray for the Lord to give back to me whatever I actually need. Thankfully, I’m the pastor so it always all comes back with interest added.