At the end of October comes a day so horrible and unthinkably evil that it is only spoken of in whispers by fundamentalists. Some go so far as to completely misconstrue the purpose and history behind this day and to claim that they have not been nor will ever be any part of it. I’m speaking, of course, of the celebration of Reformation Day.

Fundamentalists have mixed feelings about the Reformation in general. On the one hand they do dearly love church splits and anything that makes the Pope angry. On the other hand, the Reformation is what gave us Lutherans. Fundies tend to somewhat admire Martin Luther (they do dearly love a rebel as long as the rebellion isn’t against them) apart from his propensity for beer, rough language, and public consubstatiation. They do not, however, have much love in general for anybody who can claim Luther as their spiritual ancestor.

My recommendation for tonight is that you visit your local fundamentalist Harvest Festival (which is coincidentally planned to fall on the same night as that other holiday) dressed as one of the Reformers and reciting the text of Martin Luther’s challenge to “sin boldly.” Find the pastor and suggest that everybody pause to observe the Eucharist. Loudly ask where the beer is and suggest that it might be a good idea to hold baptisms in it. As far as fundamentalists are concerned it will be one of the scariest things they’ve ever experienced.

Ecclesia semper reformanda. Fundamentalists assure me that the best translation of this is “Tracts are better than candy apples.” Make of this what you will.