1. Break a small rule every day. In a low-trust and high-pressure environment small acts of defiance are mentally healthy. A smidgen of rebellion establishes that you are your own person and not just the puppet of a larger machine. But…

2. When you aim to misbehave tell nobody. And that means nobody. Your roommate, your study buddy or your crush will get a serious case of “conviction” during the next revival and confess all your misdeeds. Unless you would literally trust your life with that person then don’t tell them about your shenanigans. You can however…

3. Keep a journal. You will want documentation later of exactly how crazy this time was because people in the outside world will not believe you. Trust us on this. When you want to write in your journal it’s time to…

4. Find a refuge. Find a place on campus that you can go where nobody else goes so that even when you can’t get out you can still be “away.” I used to climb to the very top of the stairs and stare at the Waffle House sign across the highway just to remind myself that the outside world still existed. Unfortunately I never learned that the real key is to…

5. Be just bad enough. If you look like a “good kid” then the administration will worry about trying to save your soul and manipulate your conscience to make you miserable. If you seem like you’re ambivalent and a bit of an outsider then they’ll worry more about keeping your tuition money and your life will be easier. But that’s only temporary. The real trick is…

6. Get out as soon as you can. The first five techniques can only protect you from so much. The sooner you get out the sooner you can start to heal. We’ll be here for you when you do.

Those of us who went to Fundy U have all met the “Company Student” who feels it is their solemn duty to defend and promote the school no matter what. I’d like to pay them tribute with the following bit of  painful drivel…

What a privilege it is to go to school at such a fine institution! I count myself blessed to have been admitted at all given the high admissions standards of having a pulse and a credible salvation testimony. I just keep pinching myself to make sure it’s not some kind of  fantastic dream!

It’s a privilege to be made to get out of bed at 6:30 each morning and do my required devotions before putting on my carefully regulated clothing and running off to class. What a joy and delight to pay to take required classes from teachers with no degrees on topics that contain no marketable value and no visible scholarship. Then it’s off to chapel where glory is heaped upon glory as we are blessed by preaching from men who knows that it is better to have volume than veracity. My heart overflows.

It’s a privilege to round out my day at my on-campus job where I wash dishes for sub-minimum wage knowing that in the case of accident or injury I will be called upon to sacrifice my own health and well-being for the school by confessing that everything was all my own fault. Oh what a joy when the workday is over and I can spend ten glorious minutes gazing unblinkingly upon my betrothed sweetheart from a distance of six inches away. How sweet to be able to nod goodnight and then go our separate ways back to the dorms before mandatory lights out at eleven o’clock.

If heaven is full, I hope God sends me back to live here. It’s the closest thing to heaven on earth. I would even be happy to keep paying tuition for all eternity!

What a Life! What a School! What a Privilege!