The Sound of Music
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if a fundamentalist home contains a VCR it must also contain a tape of the Sound of Music. The importance of having this movie on display next to the TV may not be readily apparent to the uninitiated but to fundamentalists it’s every bit as important as keeping Grace Livingston Hill books on the living room bookshelf. Here is why…
Most important is the atmosphere that its presence creates. This is vital. For despite the movie containing Catholic nuns, guitar playing, and dancing, for some reason it is universally accepted as a ‘wholesome’ film in fundamentalist circles. Having it lying next to the TV says to any fundy visitor “We watch good movies in this house. Look, the Sound of Music is our FAVORITE!”
There may also come a time when a church member or visiting evangelist or missionary may be at your house for several hours and a the suggestion of watching a film may be proffered to pass the time. Having The Sound of Music easily accessible saves the danger of opening up the movie cabinet and laying it bare for fundamentalist scrutiny. If the tape is properly positioned, it can be unsheathed and playing in 5.8 seconds flat. On the other side of the equation, one of the joys of being a missionary is the opportunity to watch this classic musical every few weeks and learn every word by heart.
“The hills are alive….”
Praying Loudly in Restaurants
Praying to bless the food at restaurants is a badge of honor among fundamentalists for to not bless the food would be tantamount to a rejection of Christianity itself. Also, it presents an opportunity for outreach to all the other tables around you and (if your voice is loud enough) the kitchen staff as well.
As with most things fundamentalist, there are rules that must be followed for the restaurant prayer:
– The prayer must be loud. Prayers who mumble into their fried chicken will be assumed to be ashamed of the gospel. Bellow it out or run the risk of being called a compromiser.
– The prayer must be long. A simple “bless this food” will never do. Running out of things to say? Pray for the hands that prepared it. Pray for the digestion of the people eating it. Pray for the missionaries from who’s country it originally came. If the food is still hot by the time the prayer is done, he has failed.
– The prayer must use biblical words and phrases. Phrases like “Jehovah-Jireh” and “countenance” are a must for the restaurant prayer. This is no prayer of a neophyte. This is the only chance some folks will ever have to hear someone actually using 17th Century English and that isn’t a thing to be taken lightly.
– There must be hand-holding. Grab the sweaty palm of the person next to you and hang on for dear life. Try not to think about where their hand has been and the fact that you’re getting ready to eat. The one exception to the hand-holding rule of restaurant prayer may be if there are two people in the circle who are dating and seated next to each other. Perhaps grabbing the edges of the same napkin or holding the ends of a knife will suffice to let the circle be unbroken without the need for gratuitous hand-holding.
Control
On the campus of a fundamentalist college…
Greek
Have you ever heard a sermon based on the differences between eros, phileo, and agape? Can you never remember not knowing what Koine Greek was? I’d dare to bet that at some point you have been a fundamentalist.
Fundamentalists believe that the King James Version of the Bible is the only accurate translation that has been preserved for English speakers. They believe this so firmly that they are willing to separate from other churches and groups who don’t use the King James. Then through some strange cognitive dissonance, they also spend years in church basements learning the original languages to enable them to explain what the Greek really means in English.
“In the original languages,” the pastor will intone “This verb “to sit” is really a pluperfect subjunctive. This means that the original author really meant “he will have sat at some point in the future perhaps but has not actually sat yet nor will he sit until the present time is over.” One is left to wonder how those incredibly bright King James translators missed out on all of this detailed material that is so vital to the second point of the pastor’s sermon.
Ask any fundamentalist and they’ll tell you that the King James is as absolutely perfect as gold purified seven times — as long as you’ve got a fundamentalist pastor there to tell you what the original Greek says, that is.