Today around the nation, fundamentalist churches will participate in God & Country Sunday. The national anthem will be sung. The pledge to the flag will be said. The military will be honored. Jesus may or may not get an honorable mention.
To be sure, the conflation of patriotism with Christianity extends far beyond the walls of fundamentalist churches but one can be sure that if they visit most fundy churches around Memorial Day, Independence Day, or Election Day they are much more likely to hear more about the Founding Fathers than our Heavenly Father. Fox News, The President, Congress, Public Schools, Welfare, The Second Amendment, gays in the military, tax laws, and the ACLU also get significant air-time during these patriotic services. Be sure to invite all your unsaved friends and family unless they are Democrats or (worse yet) Canadian.
And woe be unto him who would suggest that perhaps the American flag has little place inside a church full of the citizens of heaven…
Fundamentalists are fascinated by stories of demonic forces. Nothing thrills the heart like listening to stories of missionaries in Africa (which seems particularly rife with demonic activity) doing battle with the evil hoards.
It’s a small wonder that Frank Peretti, author of such works as This Present Darkness should be wildly popular in fundamentalist circles — the fact that he is a member of the Assemblies of God and plays the banjo in a bluegrass band notwithstanding. His children’s books like The Door in the Dragon’s Throat are widely regarded as great way to give young fundamentalists nightmares. [ed. I didn’t sleep for a week.]
The books are horribly thrilling stuff full of sword fights between angels and demons and very insightful information about how public schools are conspiring to make sure that no child graduates from kindergarten without having been demon-possessed at least once. The theology presented in these stories is a little shaky to say the least but did I mention that they have sword-fighting demons!
More than one fundamentalist has remarked that these books have really opened their eyes to the workings of spiritual warfare. One is forced to wonder if they also imagine that Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven is a treatise on ornithology. Or one would if they weren’t caught in such a quandary over whether to laugh or cry.
This week’s selection is a red, white, and blue bonanza of fundamentalist goodness (best viewed 1024 X 768).
The most amazing feature of this particular website is their list by state of fundamentalist churches. Not only do they list fundy church names and addresses but they also display helpful headings to differentiate exactly what level of fundy craziness you’re likely to find there.
For example, one might want to question the wisdom of even being in the same zipcode as the church with the listing that puts the pastor’s name at top and then proclaims KJB, HYLES, OWENS above the church name. (No, I am not making this up.)
If you’re a fundamentalist pastor or youth leader there are also job listings to get you placed in a hurry. But beware, the site sternly warns “If you require a certain salary, DON’T TAKE OR LOOK FOR A PASTORATE TILL YOU GET YOUR HEART RIGHT WITH GOD!” Education, however, is not required.
For a fee you can now see every edition of the Sword of the Lord back to 1937. Glory!
For those who are not familiar with the Sword of the Lord imagine what the National Enquirer would look like if written by Fundamentalists. Then slice in some sermons from C.H. Spurgeon (with the Calvinist stuff cleverly chopped out) and sprinkle with a bunch of ads for church bus ministries. Stir well. No need to add nuts, they’re already included.
“Storehouse Tithing” is a favorite topic among fundamentalist pastors, especially when building project fever strikes a congregation. And why not preach on tithing regularly? It’s a frequent theme through Scripture as evidenced by at least 3 or 4 verses in the New Testament — most of which involve Jesus using it as example of the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. And then there are all the times when the command is given to the church. There’s…uh…well…I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.
Asking a fundamentalist to explain this lack of New Testament commands about tithing will likely be met by a lecture on “evil questioning” and a few hand-picked verses from the Old Testament that fundies somehow know are still applicable today. One can only assume there is a special class in “Figuring Out Which Old Testament Stuff The Church Still Needs To Do” given at the local basement bible college. (Short Answer: Whichever parts don’t involve giving up cotton blend shirts or bacon)
A fun experiment is asking a fundy whether or not 9% of their tithe is kept in the levitical refuge cities. After all, if we’re following the Scripture let’s follow all of it, amen?
Now where did I put my wave offering….
A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.
Fundamentalists are fascinated by stories of demonic forces. Nothing thrills the heart like listening to stories of missionaries in Africa (which seems particularly rife with demonic activity) doing battle with the evil hoards.
“Storehouse Tithing” is a favorite topic among fundamentalist pastors, especially when building project fever strikes a congregation. And why not preach on tithing regularly? It’s a frequent theme through Scripture as evidenced by at least 3 or 4 verses in the New Testament — most of which involve Jesus using it as example of the hypocrisy of the Pharisees. And then there are all the times when the command is given to the church. There’s…uh…well…I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.