(and for those who are MST3K fans, you can see their take on this classic here)
Having No Rights
For fundamentalists, the following is the “Christian Bill of Rights”
I. You have no rights.
For unlike the Founding Fathers they idolize, fundamentalists will claim that since our only reward as sinners is an eternity in hell that even once we are redeemed we still have no right to expect any freedoms at all in this lifetime. After all, we’re in the Lord’s Army and soldiers give up all their rights when they enlist. (Well, other than the ones outlined for them in things like the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and the Geneva Convention but let’s not nitpick)
Life? Only the unborn and old people who liberals want to euthanize have a right to that. Everybody else should fully expect to be a martyr or die of a wasting disease on the battle…er…mission field.
Liberty? Liberty is only the freedom to do ‘what you ought’ so nobody should expect the right to choose anything that’s not in the rulebook. Just shut your face and follow orders, soldier!
Pursuit of Happiness? What are you, some kind of pansy? There’s no happiness in a war! The only happy soldiers are the ones on posters that we use to sucker others to join up. Now pick up that sword and get back into that Sunday School room.
Of course this lack of rights only applies to the unwashed masses who sit in the pews. The commanding officer who fills the pulpit has the right to be followed unquestioningly and make others pay him for the privilege to be told what to do.
You may never ride in the cavalry but you know your place and have zero expectations of making it out of this with your imago dei intact. Yes, sir.
FWOTW: jacksonsummitbaptistchurch.com
Welcome to jacksonsummitbaptistchurch.com, demonstrating that one thing fundies like is animated GIF images. So many beautiful animated GIFs.
Also be sure to check out the list of names, addresses, and e-mail of all the members, a “fun page” with some strangely placed Garfield images, and a huge collection of hymn MIDI files which for some reason includes the Ballad of the Green Beret.
GOH: The Eliezer Call
Church Splits
Unlike the Apostle Paul who spent quite a bit of time talking about how Christians should try their very best to get along with each other, fundamentalists have turned the process of having a church split into something of an art form.
Recipe for a church split:
Needed: 1 fundamentalist church full of the usual players and sundry bit roles. For best results, ensure that the pastor shall have been at this location for no more than 5 years having replaced the former pastor who had been there since dirt and was greatly feared and revered by all as the Final Authority.
– Begin by placing a church building project in a large container and letting it sit for approximately 3 years while berating the membership for more funds.
– Take one power-hungry music director and stir well. (If possible select a fresh picked music director dreams of being a traveling evangelist who’s wife also plays the piano .)
– Blend in a scandal at the Christian school involving a grandchild of one of the members in good standing who’s offerings provide no less than 25% of the church’s annual budget. Be sure to fire at least one teacher who was well liked by no less than three fifths of the congregation without bothering to tell anybody why.
– Divide the congregants into two heaps each aligned with a faction wherein both sides may accuse the other of such gross heresies as being closet Calvinists, believing in soul sleep, or sometimes skipping Wednesday night church to go bowling in an establishment of ill repute wherein is played honky tonk music.
– Season to taste with secret business meetings, dirty tricks, parking lot confrontations, and votes of no confidence. If a zestier flavor is desired, add a handful of lawyers.
– Take whatever part of the church that shall separate from the body and place it in a new church building no more than three miles from the old church and called it Grace Baptist Church, being sure to appreciate the irony in the name.