Fundamentalists shine brightest when they are ministering to the pain of hurting people. For there is no greater moment than when a Christian with a heart full of love and compassion, gently leans over a wounded soul and informs them that everything that has happened to them is their own fault.

Indeed if that brazen hussy had not been wearing that provocative pair of jeans she would not have inspired men to lust and might not have been assaulted. (As a point of inquiry, if a man is sexually assaulted by another man can we also blame the victim’s provocative clothing or is that reserved only for women?) Every car crash, house fire, murder, or robbery that happens  outside the gates that protect the holy provides a perfect time to moralize about the sins that inspired the event.

Yes, victims of the world, what you all really need is light and salt — rubbed directly into your wounds. Think ye that these were sinners above all men that dwelt in Jerusalem? Yup. Pretty much.