You can click the play button below to hear the musical stylings of Therron Babcock on the organ. This clip is taken from the Hal Webb Evangelistic team.
If I close my eyes while listening to this, I feel like I’m at carnival.
Baptist Distinctives Day 7: Separation Ethically and Ecclesiastically
The hallmark of fundamentalism is that they don’t approach a person or group with the question “how can we work together to further the kingdom?” but rather “how can we set a new land speed record for finding fault with you and then never speaking to you again?” New records are set every day.
Of all the things fundies do well, “separate from stuff” tops their list. Their ecclesiastical separation criteria is actually pretty simple. If you’re another Independent Baptist of our camp, stripe, and clan then we can be nodding acquaintances. All others will be handed a gospel tract and then promptly given over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh.
There are innumerable reasons that a fundy may cut off ties to other people or groups. Their music or dress may be a decade too recent. Their pastor may have gone to the wrong school, hosted the wrong speak, or said the wrong thing from the pulpit back in 1978. Or it may just be that a person belongs to a church where they don’t spit on the ground every time they pass a neo-evangelical. Treasonous sympathy for the enemy will not be tolerated.
Now with your permission, I’ll close out this series by rehearsing a bit of doggerel verse from last year…
Presbys don’t witness
Methodists drink
Pentecostals use tongues
(demonic, I think).
Anglican pastors preach in a dress
(And some are actual women no less!)
Lutherans take the Lord’s Supper too much
And then there are Amish, so far out of touch
The Baptist Conventions just keep compromising
On the Old Paths and Standards and Version Revising
But as for me and my house we’ll stand here alone
And wait for the Rapture to come take us home
The Body of Christ we will be, compartmental
You say “anti-social,†we say “fundamentalâ€
Baptist Distinctives Day 6 Bonus: Separation of Church and State
Since in some acrostics the last S is “Separation of Church and State” I figured I would include that one too.
Baptist Distinctives Day 6: Two Offices
Independent Fundamental Baptists believe that instead of having a plurality of elders, the church leadership should consist of two basic offices: The Pastor and His Flunkies (note: I am totally using this name if I ever start a band). Seriously, though, the offices consist firstly of the Pastor who is the teacher, administrator, CEO, head chef, marketing director, and all-around Grand Poobah in charge of everything. There are also some deacons who are in charge of changing light bulbs and chewing gum removal.
The requirements for becoming a pastor are stringent in fundyland. You have to be male. You have to claim to have heard THE CALLâ„¢. You have to own at least one serviceable suit. You have to not be divorced. And you have to be in the good graces of a couple other pastors. Education, wisdom, gentleness, and professionalism are completely optional.
The requirements for a deacon is that he also be a male who is not divorced. Lord only knows what corruption a divorced man would bring upon the janitors closet. The role of the deacon actually varies from church to church, ranging from “sycophant” to “toady.” Strangely enough, though, the job description found in Acts of of making sure the poor are fed somehow rarely gets much priority. Deaconesses are simply never spoken of.
As for all that stuff in the Bible about bishops, elders, and whatnot…well those are obviously all talking about the same exact job: Divinely Appointed King.
Baptist Distinctives Day 5: Saved and Baptized Church Membership
For today’s distinction we sat down with Pastor Dr. Bro. Raymond Heller pastor emeritus of  Soulwinners Only Baptist Church in Houston, TX for a brief Q&A about the importance of having a saved and (then sometime later) baptized church membership.
SFL: Hello, Dr. Bro. Raymond Heller! Thanks for agreeing to talk to us today.
Dr. Bro. Heller: I’m always glad for the opportunity to tell apostates, heretics, and baby baptizers where to go. And by that, of course, I mean I like to tell them where to go in the Bible to see that I’m right and they’re headed straight to perdition.
SFL: Â So let’s get right to it. Â Why do Baptists believe in a saved and baptized church membership?
DBH: We believe that because the Bible says it in…well, a bunch of places. Also because all the other churches which are full of unsaved people have corrupts everybody’s manners with bad conversations. An unsaved membership is also what has lesbian, drum-playing, baby baptizing pastors taking over churches across America.
SFL: Â So how do you know who in your church is actually saved? Isn’t God the only one who can see the heart?
DBH: Well we can’t be 100% sure of course that any individual person is actual born again. But after a person makes several professions and is baptized four or five times, we feel that it’s a pretty good indicator of their sincerity. I mean they wouldn’t keep coming back to make sure they really, really mean it unless they really, really meant it.
SFL: Can you list me some other ways that you can be reasonably sure a person is saved and safe to include in the church membership?
DBH: Â Well, a few trips down to the altar during bible conference help to show a tender heart. Driving the bus for the missions trip to Mexico shows a willingness to serve. And of course we’re always looking out for people who give until it hurts and then give until it feels good and then give until it hurts again but in a way that strangely feels kind of good.
SFL: So what I’m hearing is that you really have no more idea whether your baptized church members are saved than the member of churches who baptize babies do?
DBH: Young man, this sort of evil questioning leads me to think that you sound to me like a person needs to get saved and baptized himself.
SFL: I appreciate your concern but I’m actually already a believer.
DBH: Well it can’t hurt to pray again just to make sure. Here let me show you a few verses…