Standards

One-Upping Your Standards

179 Comments

You read Christian fiction? Well, I only read missionary biographies since whatever isn’t true is bound to be a lie. And you know where liars go.

You don’t believe in kissing before you’re married? Well I don’t believe that married people should be intimate on their wedding night either. That time should be spent in prayers for their marriage and asking to be blessed with children as quickly as possible.

You don’t shop at stores that sell alcohol? I don’t shop at stores where any of the employees even drink alcohol. And I know because I ask each of them personally.

You only read the KJV? I only read Parris’s 1760 revision, second printing with the wood engravings of Adam and Eve au natural. Don’t be fooled by one of Satan’s counterfeits.

You only let your children court instead of date? Well I never let my son court a girl unless I’ve been taking her out myself for at least a year to make sure she’s a good and godly girl. And so far they’ve all been trollops.

You only listen to hymns? I only listen to a capella hymns performed by
people with whom I am in complete doctrinal agreement. Most of my cassette tapes are of Mama.

You go to church three times a week? Sometimes I go to church during the middle of a week day, stick a mirror on the front pew and preach to myself for an hour. It’s always good stuff too.

You tithe? Every week I stick my entire paycheck into the offering plate and then pray for the Lord to give back to me whatever I actually need. Thankfully, I’m the pastor so it always all comes back with interest added.

Books

Daily Devotional Drivel

99 Comments

For years I felt guilty because I was too tired after getting 4 hours of sleep a night after long days of work and classes to spend hours “doing my devotions.” After reading what passes for devotional material with some fundies, however, I now realize that having no devotions at all is likely better than than having ones like this…

(this has been yet another entry from the SOTL gift package o’ crazy)

Child Abuse

Exposé on The New Bethany School For Girls

25 Comments

Right now Mother Jones has a expose article and slide show about the abuses at the New Bethany School for Girls that will break your heart.

There’s some very good journalism here demonstrating how this same group of people trace their roots back to Lester Roloff’s homes and have since changed their names and moved locations multiple times to stay ahead of law enforcement efforts to shut them down for abuse.

It’s time to start collecting millstones and chartering a boat.

Public Life

Missing The Obvious

123 Comments

So if you were a legal eagle who was going to give some good advice to a room full of fundamentalists, what topics do you think you would cover given the national negative press that has plagued fundyland this year? Safeguarding children in your congregation? Mandatory reporting laws? Legal definitions of child abuse?

Or you could just pretend that the scandals just don’t exist and focus on some other equally important topics…

Of course! Obamacare and gays! If there are two more pressing issue for Christ’s church today I certainly can’t think of them. Can you?

Public Life, Standards

The Little Foxes

99 Comments

Like most spiritual ideas in fundyland, the Little Foxes Theory begins by yanking a couple of verse from the surrounding passage and doing them no small amount of violence. Apparently the best way to understand this bit of Scripture is that in the middle of writing out some spicy love poetry, the author suddenly takes a break to write a brief essay on why little sins like not tucking in your shirt lead to bigger ones like not wearing a shirt at all. It certainly makes perfect sense that right after penning the words “let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely” that the time is ripe for a bit of moralistic guilt-tripping.

Watever its questionable exegetical roots, there is no question that the “little foxes” concept has taken firm root in fundyland and then grown into quite a warped and twisted shape. For the way this principle is often taught is that as long as one takes care to obsess over the minutia of life then the larger sins will never even be a temptation. If you dress right, listen to the right music, never say “golly,” or watch The Simpsons on TV then there’s almost no chance at all of you smoking pot or getting your girlfriend pregnant. Almost.

This idea of keeping the little things in order to thwart the larger sins also informs the sermon habits of many fundyland pastors who honestly believe that as long as they are keeping kids from running in the hallways and keeping their parents from reading the NIV that they have nothing to fear from the sins of lust, and greed, and pride. It’s a very tidy notion that is not at all bothered by its complete disconnection from reality.

The real tragedy here is that oftentimes people in fundyland are led to believe that if they cannot “win” over the temptation to listen to rock n’ roll or wear more than one earring per ear that they might as well give up and live a life of debauchery. After all, what’s the difference? The little foxes are going to get you. It’s only a matter of time.

It’s just like Solomon says in the very next verse: “My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.” I know it sounds a lot like more love poetry but I’m sure that is somehow related to the topic at hand. You just have to know how to look.

A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.