How To Write A Sermon

Step 1: Select a text. This can be done in any one of a thousand ways except consulting the Lectionary. After all, it’s much better to simply open your Bible at random and leave it up to random chance the unknowable movings of the Spirit than to have some other man telling you which verses to preach from. For the purposes of this example I have opened my own Bible and my finger is now fondling Psalm 22:7.

Step 2: Make it relevant. We know that all Scripture is profitable for doctrine. And what is doctrine really if not a way to make the hearers understand how to think and feel the right way about the current issues of the moment. Looking at our text we see the words “All they that see me laugh me to scorn.” Well if that’s not relevant then I don’t know what is since people are laughing Christians to scorn all the time these days, especially ones who stick to the old paths and have godly standards like the folks in our church.

Step 3: Illustrate. Now that we’ve got our verse and our topic, let’s come up with some real world examples that will help the common man in the pew (who is not overly gifted with insight like his preacher is) understand exactly what is being said here. For example if we’re talking about people laughing with scorn, then it’s the perfect time to tell the story of how those college kids on spring break wouldn’t even put down their beers long enough to hear me tell them how much God hates them. If you haven’t been in the ministry long enough to acquire some stories of your own just use ones from other people. In fact, you can buy a book of my own personal illustrations for only 27.99 in the church bookstore.

Step 4: Yell.

Step 5: Invitation.

No good sermon should ever take more than 20 or 30 minutes to write. If you’re spending more time than that, you’re doing it wrong and should probably just use the sermon that you heard a guy preach at that conference that one time.

An Update From CampMeeting Girl

Darrell,

Well, Uriah has gone and done it. He married That Girl at her church with just her parents and our parents there. My parents didn’t even know that they were going for the wedding. Uriah just asked them to meet him at the church. Father thought it was going to be a meeting with the Pastor to tell the Pastor that Uriah had issues with that church. They have an electric keyboard in addition to a piano and organ. It only takes a split second to accidentally hit the “demo” button and unleash ungodly music into that sanctuary. When they arrived at the church, the secretary (who is NOT the Pastor’s wife and is UNDER 50 years of age!) showed them back to the Pastor’s Office. Mother almost passed out but then she was thankful that she always wears a dress and full make-up unless she is asleep. That is a confirmation to her that wearing dresses or nice skirts at all times means that she will be a Proverbs 31 woman who is prepared for anything. Father said That Girl’s parents were smiling like they were happy about this. The vows were said and there was a discreet kiss and then it was over. The Fathers served as Best Man and Groomsman and the Mothers served as Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid. Afterward, they all went to lunch together at Red Lobster. Uriah ordered the popcorn shrimp like he always does. I think Uriah will be going to their church now that they are married.

Uriah called me after they left Red Lobster to tell me the good news. I was floored. It just doesn’t seem official without a modest wedding dress and the plan of salvation! I am happy he’s married. I wondered why he was so busy these last couple of weeks. He was finding and apartment for them and moving her stuff into it. He moved his belongings out the afternoon they got married. Now, the other two brothers in that room can spread out a little. He said that they decided to go ahead and get married and put the money they would have spent on a wedding into a savings account. She will be working at a Christian School until they have children. She is a Kindergarten teacher there. (That’s the school that lets girls wear leggings or pants under their skirts if it’s too cold outside. They also let their volleyball team and track team wear sleeveless shirts. My Father calls that place The School of the Slippery Slope.) Then, they hope to buy a house with a cash down payment. Uriah had to get off the phone then because That Girl said he was driving too fast on the way back to their apartment. She said they had the rest of their lives to enjoy each other, but she understood why he was in a hurry. If she’s always this bossy, there is no hope of submission in her.

They are spending the Thanksgiving Holiday week in The Mouse House (as That Girl calls it). I hope they will have fun there, but I’m afraid it will be fraught with temptations. I think they should have gone to a couples retreat at The Wilds or Bill Rice Ranch.

My wedding plans are going well. Barring a scandal involving the Pastor or Titus becoming a Mormon (HAHAHA!), we will be heading down the aisle together at the end of December. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I just remembered that I’ve got to ask That Girl if she wants to be a Bridesmaid now. I’m sure I will have enough time to whip up another modest taffeta dress by then. Oh, and if you are in the neighborhood, the Pastor is preaching on Being Thankful this month. This week’s sermon is titled “I am Thankful I am Not Like Other Men”. The choir is singing a medley of “We Gather Together” and “My God Is A Righteous God”.

In Modest Apparel,
CampMeeting Girl

A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.