‘Tis the season to be jolly! And I hate it. Just look at all those sinners thoughtlessly making merry with their booze and music and not even realizing that God’s wrath hangs over their head. How dare they celebrate as if they had some right to enjoy this holiday when they haven’t ever darkened the door of a bible-believing church. Those of us who have worked tirelessly to spread the gospel are the only ones who truly deserve such festivities.
Now certainly some will have an appropriate amount of melancholy as befits their lost condition but even those will be too blind to know that the answer to their “depression” lies in a trip to an old fashioned altar not the liquor store or pharmacy. But most of the heathens, and perverts, and Calvinists will be out dressed in their finery, eating, drinking and being merry. It makes me sick to think about.
I can only hope that some of them get taught a lesson before the season ends. Perhaps a few well-placed car crashes or house fires will set the proper tone as besuits these heathen’s lost condition. One can only hope that God in his infinite mercy will send such calamities to soften their hearts. What a wonderful Christmas present that would be.
But they do look merry, don’t they? They must be so deceived. Smiles and laughter fill the air. Satan is certainly at work here. They can’t really be happy. Only obedience brings happiness. Only the obedient like me should be so happy.
Today’s seasonal selection contains an evaluation of all the problems with various carols in the Living Hymns Hymnal.
Apparently, this guy has never heard of “poetic license” or “hyperbole” or pretty much any other literary device. I really wish he would write a carol of his own so that we can see how it’s done.
This tweet so perfectly illustrates the fundamentalist tension between loving something while being forced by your self-imposed standards to despise it at the same time.
“I love to be able to go to the buffet on Sunday after church and then go home and watch football! But those waitresses and football players should be in church instead of working on the Sabbath. But I love what they do! So I’ll just sit here and judge them while I enjoy the fruits of their labors.”
Fortunately, there are enough ungodly people left in the world to keep fundamentalists fed and entertained. Being able to judge those who do the things you love is just an added bonus.
We have been informed by one of Grice’s church members that since he has begun to lose weight we are no longer allowed to point out that he’s morbidly obese. Given that, I hope it’s at least still permissible to point out that while his displacement in water may have diminished, his penchant for crazy talk has not.
Of all the trials and tribulations that a young fundamentalist deals with, trying to explain the way they live to those outside of fundyland is among the most taxing. And no time of year presents more opportunities than Christmas when non-fundy family spring from the woodwork smelling of beer, dressed immodestly, and using minced oaths without flinching. Inevitably upon these visits someone is going to start asking impertinent questions like “So what’s Santa bringing you for Christmas?” or perhaps “Why is Mary trying to ski in a skirt?” or even “So have you left your cult yet?”
Do you have a story of giving an awkward explanation at Christmas gatherings (or any other time)? Share them here.
A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.
