Everyone else is doing these so I figured, why not?
Getting Along?
Among the quotes that Abraham Lincoln may or may not have said is this: “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.” Why then to do fundamentalists rage against the heathen? Would they not be better to befriend them in hopes of winning them to their cause?
Ah, but there lies the rub. For to a fundamentalist sin is like an terrible virus that is likely to leap from host to host. It takes but a word, a touch, a look and you too will become like unto them. Before you know it the world won’t be able to see at a glance that you are better than they.
It’s best to wear a protective mask of false smiles and gloves of self-righteousness when you’re near the afflicted. Wash your hands of their stench as soon as you get away and thank God that you are not like other men. Think of their worth only as for what they could be and never for what they are.
Distance. Deprecate. Dehumanize. And when you are finished you’ll find that you won’t have to bother separating yourself from sinners. They’ll separate themselves from you just like they did from Jesus.
I fear I myself have not been so careful. I hugged a gay atheist friend this morning because he was having a bad day. I’ll be sure to let you know if any symptoms develop.
A Place in The Choir
Oh, there’s nothing like a bunch of rules and a heaping load of guilt to make sure that your church choir is giving its best to their master.
Click the images to embiggen.
A Valentine
It is again that day of the year when the thoughts of fundamentalists everywhere turn again to one thing: pagan fertility rituals and blood sacrifices. Because nothing in this world says “I love you, honey” like a good screed.
But not every fundamentalist hates this holiday. Just like other pagan observances such as Christmas, Easter, and Thursday, some fundamentalists do inevitably succumb to the cultural pressure and participate in their own strange little way. When ensues is a strange conflation of the secular, sacred, and downright scary as churches attempt to both encourage expressions of romantic love and stop it dead in its tracks.
Nowhere does this appear more than at Fundy U where guys and girls obsess for long hours over getting a date to the gala event of the season. But having put in all the time and effort to secure a spot with their special someone the student then realizes that they’re not actually sure what to do with them. Sitting stiffly next to your date through a Gilbert and Sullivan musical and then cordially nodding goodnight at the end of the evening just lacks a certain je ne sais quoi1.
Never mind candy and flowers and jewelry and romance, a trip to a church banquet hall to hear preaching about hellfire is what really says “I love you.” You can be my Valentine as long as you do it from from way over there.
1Translation: “hubba-hubba”
Making Movies
Steven Anderson and Kent Hovind team up to make a movie? What could possibly go wrong??
And just to sweeten the deal director Paul Wittenberger also directed “What in the World are They Spraying?” One can only hope that whatever it was they were doing it against a wall while standing up.
And just when you think it can’t get any worse you find out that the reason for this video is that they want you to DONATE your money to making it. How could you possibly resist?