Today’s challenge (suggested by reader John) is to make your own conspiracy theory in good fundamentalist style. Blame the prolific use of microwaves for the drop in church attendance. Suggest that mind control drugs put into communion wine is responsible for the inexplicable popularity of Ke$ha. Help us understand how increased cell phone usage will be instrumental in the fiendish world domination plans of the beast, the false prophet, and the entire cast of Glee.
Any attempt for me to make fun of this site would be superfluous. These people have managed to become a complete parody of themselves.
Thanks to Larry for the submission
Submitted by Uncle Wilver
1 Pastor, the ordained one, made an image of Mog, whose height was about four cubits, and the breadth of about one cubit and one half. And he set it up upon the old fashioned altar.
2 Then Pastor, the ordained one, sent to gather together the deacons, the trustees, and the soul-winners, the judges of others, the treasurers, the counselors, the young preacher boys, (but never the Elders), to come to the dedication of the image which Pastor, the ordained one, had set up.
3 Then the deacons, the trustees, and the soul-winners, the judges of others, the treasurers, the counselors, the young preacher boys, (but never the Elders), were gathered together unto the dedication of the image that Pastor, the ordained one, had set up; and they stood before the image that Pastor, the ordained one, had set up.
4 Then an herald cried aloud, To you it is commanded, O congregants, U.S citizens, and Proper English speakers,
5 That at what time ye hear the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image that Pastor, the ordained one, hath set up upon the old fashioned altar:
6 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth shall the same hour be cast from the church, doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
7 Therefore at that time, when all the people heard the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, all the people, the nations, and the languages, fell down and worshipped the image that Pastor, the ordained one, had set up.
8 Wherefore at that time certain Old Gossips Prayer Requestants came near and accused the Liberated Studiers.
9 They spake and said to the Pastor, O Pastor, preach forever.
10 Thou, O Pastor, hast made a decree, that every man that shall hear the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, shall fall down and worship the image:
11 And whoso falleth not down and worshippeth, that he should be doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
12 There are certain Liberated Studiers whom thou hast set over certain Sunday School classes; these men, O Pastor, have not regarded thee: they serve not thy KJV, nor worship the image which thou hast set up.
13 Then Pastor, in his rage and fury, commanded to bring the Liberated Studiers. Then they brought these men before the pastor.
14 Pastor spake and said unto them, Is it true, O Liberated Studiers, do not ye serve my KJV, nor worship the image which I have set up?
15 Now if ye be ready that at what time ye hear the sound of the piano, organ, trumpet, flute, harp, clarinet, violin, viola, timpani (but no other drum), and all kinds of musick, ye fall down and worship the image which I have made; well: but if ye worship not, ye shall be doomed the same hour to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV; and who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?
16 Then the Liberated Studiers, answered and said to the pastor, O Pastor, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.
17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from being doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV , and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O Pastor.
18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O Pastor, that we will not serve thy KJV, nor worship the image which thou hast set up.
19 Then was Pastor full of fury, and the form of his visage was changed against the Liberated Studiers: therefore he spake, and commanded that they should endure seven times more counsel.
20 And he commanded the most mighty minions stalwart deacons to bind the Liberated Studiers, and to doom them to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
21 Then these men were bound in their three piece suits, their neckties, and their hats, and their other garments, and were doomed to everlasting punishment, long hair on men and trousers on the women, and the NIV.
Where they lived happily ever after in Grace.
(and already we have the first reader-submitted entry for this week…)
Here we see a mere fifty seconds from the self-proclaimed “greatest service so far” at Victory Baptist Church.
And yet fundamentalists look down on Pentecostals for being too driven by emotion. How strange.
There’s a whole lot of life happening around my house and job this week so posting is bound to be a bit sparse. I’ll beg your forgiveness for being a very bad blogger this week.
If you have something that you’ve been dying to see featured on SFL (or something you sent me in the past and I promptly forgot about) do send it along and if I get spare second I’ll share it.