Category Archives: Standards
Dancing (As long as it’s in a musical)
Ask any fundamentalist if dancing is a sin and you’ll likely receive a lecture on the sensuality and lust that is provoked when movements are set to music. The fact that a child of two will bop to the music of Sesame Street is seen as evidence both that the child has a radically corrupt sin nature and that Sesame Street is likely run by homosexual Communists.
Yet for all that, many fundamentalists enjoy a large amount of dancing, provided that the folks who are doing it are in a movie that is at least fifty years old or on the Lawrence Welk show. Fred and Ginger’s taps and twirls and Danny Kaye’s soft shoe routines are a staple of many fundamentalist video libraries. Time sanctifies all things.
There’s no doubt that those dances were much more genteel than the popular moves of this era. But can anyone imagine the uproar if ballroom dancing classes were offered at a fundamentalist college? Unless, of course, it’s in aid of a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. As one college music teacher explained “this isn’t choreography — it’s structured movement.” Well that explains everything then.
The fundamentalist proudly proclaims that “A dancing foot and a praying knee are not found on the same leg.” Unless that leg is part of a production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
many thanks to James for the idea
Teetotaling
The fundamentalist world was rocked recently when a scholar from a prestigious fundamentalist university opined in a book that maybe people in the Bible really did drink fermented wine after all. Now from all reports he still wasn’t advocating that people are allowed to drink in moderation today — after all, baptists do follow in the holiness tradition of being total abstainers when it comes to alcohol — but even this slight allowance has caused the likes of the Sword of the Lord to spill barrels of ink denouncing the scholar, the university, the book, and all their friends, relations, chattels, and livestock.
Regardless of the fact that history shows total abstinence from alcohol has been held mainly by heretics and some sects of Roman Catholic monks, fundies embrace it as dogma to the point of writing it into their church constitutions and/or church covenants.
If we are to take the rule that no alcohol may ever pass ones lips literally, however, there are a few points which may need some clarification.
– How long may one gargle with Listerine® (26.9% alcohol) without sin?
– If one uses hand sanitizer and then proceeds to licks their fingers, is this too a matter for church discipline?
– Is taking NyQuil (25%), Ambesol(70%), Formula 44D(20%), or Contrex (20%) a transgression? And if it’s ok to take those, is it also ok to sip a few teaspoons of whiskey (50% alcohol) as long as you’ve got a cold?
First medicinal wine from a teaspoon then beer from a bottle. Oh, we got trouble…
Claiming Others Are the Crazy Fundamentalists
No matter how far to the right a group of fundamentalists may be, they will invariably be able to find a group even further off the map than they are to point to as the ‘real crazy’ fundamentalists. Whether it be dress codes, music standards, or theological vagaries, there’s always someone else who’s so much nuttier that by comparison even strict fundies look downright moderate.
Question a fundy about their rantings against Harry Potter books and they’ll point you to folks who don’t read anything but Christian fiction. They in turn will point you to a group who only allow their children to read approved biographies of missionaries. And even they will no doubt be able to dredge up some remaining Abecedarians to prove that by comparison allowing reading at all proves that one is reasonable and normal.
Compared to all that, just cutting out Harry Potter seems downright ecumenical. In the land of the full-bore crazies the only slightly unusual man is king.
Claiming Moral Support From the Unsaved
“Worldly people know what Christians should act like better than Christians do. They know when you’re not living like a Christian!”
This is an oft-repeated bit of fundamentalist lore and like most fundy lore it contains a smidgen of truth…but only a smidgen. Surely most unsaved people would say that Christians shouldn’t shoot people in cold blood or steal from their employer but that’s not generally the point that the fundy is trying to make.
Indeed, many fundamentalists seem to think that deep down most unsaved people really think that women should only wear skirts, that the movie house is a wicked place, and that the J.C. Penny catalog is just as bad as pornography. Yet even though the unsaved know all these things are evil they just purposely ignore their own better judgment and do them anyway. It’s just like the days of Noah minus the fountain of youth water vapor.
Since the unsaved person has all these fundamentalist values emblazoned on their conscience, a Christian who breaks any of the legion of fundy rules might drive them away from Christ. After all the lost person KNOWS what the Christian should be doing and they’ll think they’re just a hypocrite and never listen to the gospel ever again! And all this because in a moment of weakness a Christian wanted to see the latest Disney film in surround sound.
For shame.