“Christians should never watch movies rated PG-13”, intones the fundamentalist.
“Why not?” asks his companion. “I don’t see any reason why this movie is so bad.”
“You’re asking the wrong question,” says the fundamentalist sternly. “Asking ‘why not?’ is the trick of rebellious children and compromisers. What you need to be asking is ‘why do you want to do it?’ — and if the answer you come up with isn’t either something super spiritual or agreed upon by at least two popular evangelists you have to admit I’m right.”
“Uh….” stammers his friend.
“I win!” yells the fundamentalist gleefully.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this conversation, chances are you have been in the presence of a fundamentalist.
One has to wonder if a fundamentalist can also come up with super spiritual reasons for their choice of breakfast cereal. I’ll bet they can.
Loyal SFL reader Erin sent along today’s fundy website pick of the week: modestapparelusa.com.
I think that it goes without saying that if you’ve ever owned a maternity culotte slip, you’re probably a fundamentalist.
And yes they are available up to size 4xlarge. (I’ll leave you for a moment to ponder that.)
Since it’s also important to be modest in your own bedroom (one doesn’t want to be a stumbling block after all), the discerning fundamentalist lady can avail herself of a Blue Paisley Flannel Nightgown (only available in XL).
This item is also known as the “Gotta Headache” and is one of the few methods of birth control that fundamentalists approve of.
The Bible is ostensibly the fundamentalists authority for all matters of faith, practice, and flatware. As a result, the adjective “biblical” gets applied to anything and everything that the fundy does. There is biblical soul-winning, biblical courtship, biblical dress codes, biblical counseling, biblical dentistry, and so on.
The proverbial fly in the soup is, of course, that very few of these things are actually found explicitly or implicitly commanded to be done in fundy style anywhere in the actual Bible. Nobody would be more surprised than the prophets and apostles to learn that they had unwittingly given explicit instructions for how long a man’s hair is allowed to grow or the types of instruments allowed to play in a church service.
One is left to suppose that requiring actual Bible passages and exegesis to support arbitrary standards is something that is decidedly not biblical. And then one’s head explodes.
A favorite fundy illustration is imagining that God’s laws are like a line drawn in the sand and that breaking a law is crossing that line. Not content to leave well enough alone, the fundamentalist then goes on to add this inevitable statement: “A lot of you like to stand with your toes right on the line when you should be as far away from the line as possible. Let me tell you where I think you should draw the line…”
But it does not end there. Not only must one re-draw the line, one must then build an impenetrable wall on the new line and shoot anyone who attempts to cross it. One must fortify this wall with obscure passages and long-winded preaching rants full of illustrations of those who crossed the line to their own doom. This is known as having “standards.”
In time, one may forget entirely that this line isn’t the one God drew at all. In fact, some may even decide to draw another even further afield, rejecting those who hold a different line as being too worldly.
Fundies aren’t the first ones to indulge in this kind of thing, however. Jesus even had a few things to say about some old-school line re-drawers. For details, check out Matthew 23.
Wear anything less than your Sunday best to a non-denominational church and fundies will declare that you are a liberal compromiser with itching ears who is giving less than your best to God. On the other hand, if you wear overalls and a straw hat to fundamentalist church on a previously agreed upon Sunday, that’s just being ‘old-fashioned’ which is a whole ‘nother thing entirely.
There is a fundamentalist principle at work here: “It is not ok to do something they way they used to do prior to the 1950’s unless you explicitly state that you are doing it merely to demonstrate or imitate the way they did it prior to the 1950’s.” It is this reasoning that accounts for phenomena such as male college students wearing a button that proclaims that the reason for their lengthy hair style is that they are in a dramatic production set in the 1700’s. It’s the nearest fundy equivalent to special dispensation.
Be sure to stay for “dinner on the grounds.” The fried chicken is mighty fine.
The Bible is ostensibly the fundamentalists authority for all matters of faith, practice, and flatware. As a result, the adjective “biblical” gets applied to anything and everything that the fundy does. There is biblical soul-winning, biblical courtship, biblical dress codes, biblical counseling, biblical dentistry, and so on.
