Category Archives: Standards

Doctrine, Standards

Cognitive Dissonance

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To be a fundamentalist one must master the art of ignoring the illogical and absurd. Consider these bits of doublethink…

We believe that Calvinism is a hindrance to evangelism…we also believe the Spurgeon and Edwards were the instruments great revivals.

We believe that praying written prayers is vain repetition…we also believe that praying the exact same words over breakfast every morning is a necessary and meaningful experience.

We believe that since canon of Scripture is closed, the Holy Spirit no longer gives direct revelation to people…we also believe that the Holy Spirit gives traffic directions and investment advice.

We believe that the Scriptures are the sole authority for our faith and practice…we also believe that Christian standards of dress and music somehow were all discovered centuries after the Scriptures were finished and include things not addressed therein.

We believe that every man has soul liberty and that every believer is a priest…we also believe that the pastor has complete authority to override that liberty any time he sees fit.

We believe that liberals have purposely corrupted our public school systems and lowered our education standards for their own political ends….we also believe that these semi-illiterate students are perfectly capable of understanding a four-hundred year old translation of the Scriptures.

We believe that the reason our church isn’t growing quickly is that the world is getting worse and worse as the end times approach and men’s hearts wax cold…we also believe that our soul winning program has broken records every year for the last 20 years.

We believe that good will always overcome evil…we believe that evil will always overcome good.

Feel free to add your own examples below…

Standards

Secondary Separation

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“If it is safe not to run with the wrong crowd, then it is safer not to run with the crowd who runs with the wrong crowd.” ~ Jack Hyles

How to be Completely and Totally Separated in a Few Easy Steps

Step 1: Hey, that guy is a godless liberal heathen. I’m going to separate from him!

Step 2: Hey, you are friends with that godless liberal heathen guy. I’m going to separate from you too!

Step 3: Hey, you are friends with that friend of a godless liberal heathen. Guess you’re on my separation list as well!
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Step 6,697,254,041: I’m now the most separated and holy individual on the planet. I also own 28 cats.

People, Standards

Standards for Ministry Staff

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Welcome to our ministry staff! We think you’ll find this a great place to work and won’t it just be lovely to work around Christians all day long instead of having to rub elbows with those worldly people and their terrible language and stories about drinking? Oh, by the way, staff devotions are at 7:00 sharp, be sure to bring your list of prayer requests!

Why here at Heartbeat Of America Baptist Bible School you’ll never have to worry about someone cursing in front of you or telling an off-color joke and you’ll know that everyone is doing their very best because not only is the boss watching but Jesus is too! The boss, however, will be the one writing people up for having verse screen savers in the wrong version. You’ll find that on page 107 of the staff handbook…

Oh, have you gotten a copy of the staff handbook? Yes, the size of it can be a little intimidating but it’s all really quite necessary. We don’t want people to have to go through the pain of deciding for what to do themselves so we try to include rules for every possible situation. This way you’ll never have to worry.

What’s that? Page 86? Ah, yes a lot of people ask about that one. Well, let’s just say that you happened to be home at night and there was a fire and you had to quickly run out of your house wearing a pair of pants. Some firefighter might see you and know you worked for us and everyone’s testimony would suffer. So it’s just better for all of us if you let us decide what you wear at home as well as work, don’t you think?

Oh, yes, page 87 is quite a popular one too. Now we’re not really saying that watching PG movies is wrong for everyone but we want the people in our ministry to be part of a HIGHER STANDARD. You know, after all, that being in a ministry makes you even more accountable to God than being a normal person. So we just put those rules in place make sure nobody every mistakes you for being normal.

Well, let me show you where you’ll be working. We do have to keep the air conditioning turned up to 93 in order to save on power bills, I’m sure you understand it’s all part of being a good steward. And you’ll want to make sure you ask your supervisor permission before going to the bathroom because we do try to make sure that everyone honors the Lord with their diligence. Starting tomorrow you’ll also need to bring in your own paper towels.

Welcome! We’re so glad that you’re here.

Public Life, Standards

Signs of Maturity

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In order for a fundamentalist to demonstrate that he is growing in grace, he must not only maintain the standard but he must also continually increase the amount that he does. If the new Christian prays for ten minutes a day, within a year he’d better be praying thirty minutes, and five years later he needs to have worked up to an hour. To live the fundy life is to have the bar of sanctification continuously raised just out of reach.

The same rule applies to any other external area of the fundamentalist practice. Are you giving 10%? If you want to be holy like the rest of us it had better make it up to 15% by next year. If you’re really serious within a few decades you should be living on the 10% and giving us the rest.

What about your witnessing? Did you see one soul saved last year? Next year shoot for a dozen. Spiritual giants like your pastor see a soul saved every day before breakfast. And he does it without even leaving the house.

The fundamentalist treadmill only runs faster the longer you stay on it.