Category Archives: Standards

Standards

Commandments Concerning Women’s Jewelry

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Likewise also let your women observe these commandments which were given aforetime by our fathers and keep them with all shamefacedness (once you look it up and find out what that is) that they sin not in the adorning of themselves with jewels and precious metals or whatever poor substitutes they can afford on a full-time ministry salary.

And if it shall enter thy heart to wear jewelry upon thy head, thou shalt in any wise wear an earring, for this is the jewelry that hath been sanctified and the piercing of ear lobe flesh is no big deal to us. However, of the piercing of the ear, the number of the piercings in thy ear lobe shall be only one hole. But if thou are hard of heart and care not about thy testimony, you may have a maximum of two holes in thy lobe but that is really pushing it. But any piercing in thy ear that is not of the lobe is completely out of the question and I can’t believe you would even ask, you brazen hussy.

And the adorning of the nose and the lip and the eye brow and various and sundry places about thy person which we are far too tasteful to spell out, thou shalt in no wise do it. For we do not wish people to mistake you for a godless heathen from Seattle or a CCM singer. And why wouldst thou adorn thy navel with gold and silver and precious stones unless thou plan to put it on display at some point? This is abomination in our sight and grave wickedness.

And of the adorning of the feet we give this command: don’t. For the chain and the bracelet that ensnare thy limb and the rings that shall encircle thy little piggies are the very wiles of Satan to draw away men’s hearts. And it shall come to pass that if a man gaze upon your feet, then shall his eyes inevitably head northward and shall be smitten with the allure of thy culottes and nothing good shall in any wise possibly come of this.

And thou shalt be allowed a wedding ring and perhaps one or two other rings but don’t get all wild and crazy with it lest we be wroth with thee and talk about thee behind thy back at the church picnic. For in all these commandments we do strive to bring unity, and circumspection, and show the world that we are true Christians. For as our Lord said, by these list of rules shall all men known that ye are my disciples.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 191

Public Life, Standards

Fundy Fashion

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Time stands still in fundyland. Walk into the average fundamentalist church and you’ll be able to easily spot suits and ties from the 70’s, women’s hair styles from the 80’s, and carpet colors that were last popular during the Eisenhower administration. And they shall not be moved.

The strange thing about this time warp, however, is that not all fundy churches freeze at the exact same moment. Exactly how far out of the mainstream a local church remains can vary from height-of-fashion-twenty-years-ago all the way to now-back-in-style-again! Of course, if the hair and clothes of the general populace does swing around to match the fundies, they’ll immediately have to leap into some other decade out of self defense.

One can only imagine that fundamentalists dress and decorate to reflect whatever era the Holy Spirit last visited in hopes that He’ll recognize them when he comes back.