Category Archives: Outreach

Sunshine on the Soapsuds

sunshinesoapsudsIf your fundamentalist church ran its own radio station (as an inordinate number do) you’ve probably heard these words pouring forth from your radio:

The Bible says, “Every wise woman buildeth her house; but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1). Each day, Beneth Peters Jones shares with you spiritual helps for building rather than battering your home.

This is pure gold. A show by a housewife for housewives (who one supposes are listening whilst they are baking, cleaning, and doing obeisance to their husbands) could not help but be a hit with fundamentalists.

In the clip below, Beneth takes on the topic of “Depression.” Notice that she takes care to address her remarks to women. After all, you wouldn’t want a man thinking she was trying to tell him what to do.

edit: Audio source has since been removed…

I feel better already.

For more soapsuds goodness, be sure to check out her two books from BJU Press.

Witnessing to Presbyterians

soulwinningIn the “us vs. them” world of fundamentalism anyone who is not a fundamentalist is eyed with a great deal of suspicion of not being a true believer. Narrow is the way and few non-Baptists there be that find it.

This distrust and general ignorance about other Christian denominations leads to the interesting situation of fundamentalists spending their time preaching to the converted. It goes something like this…

Fundy: “Hello, we’re here from Saved, Sanctified, Separated, and Suit-Wearing Baptist Church and we just wanted to know if you go to church anywhere.”

Presbyterian: “Well, yes I’m an elder at Westminster Presbyterian Church.”

F: “That’s great! So if you were to die today, where would you spend eternity?”

P: “I’d be with God for eternity.”

F “Are you sure about that? Belief in the Pope doesn’t save you, you know.”

P: “Uh…we don’t…”

F: “And what’s more you can know for sure that you are saved without worrying about losing it.”

P: “Well, being a Calvinist…”

F: “Oh, you’re a Calvinist! Well that doesn’t save you either!”

P: “I never said…”

F: “Have you ever asked Jesus to come into your heart?”

P: “That phrase has some serious theological issues there that…”

F: “Theology won’t get you into heaven either, my friend! Have you ever walked an aisle to a good old-fashioned altar?”

P: “We don’t really do that….”

This may continue until the Presbyterian in a fit of desperation invites the fundamentalist in to chat over a beer. All that remains is to watch the fundy shake the dust off his shoes and depart in search of someone easier to evangelize. Maybe they can find a Methodist…

Planting A Seed

BPSTo their credit, fundamentalists are big believers in outreach. No matter how many times they are rejected, laughed at, spit on, or have a door slammed shut they just keep right on going. In fact, they keep on going even when it’s apparent to everyone but them that what they’re doing is having no positive effect whatsoever. When the witnessing method du jour is bearing no visible results, fundies will inevitably say that they are at least “planting a seed.”

Are you holding up Bible verse signs at a racetrack? Planting a seed!

Are you preaching from the back of a moving pickup truck? Planting a seed!

Are you yelling at cars at an intersection during the heat of summer when people have their windows up, their A/C on, and their music playing and couldn’t for the life of them tell whether you’re preaching the gospel or expounding theories about flying saucers? Planting a Seed!

Bumper Stickers? Yard Signs? Tracts strewn about like confetti? All are planting a seed. At least they might be. Sorta. Maybe.

Faith cometh by hearing. Evidently fundies don’t stop to consider that maybe it doesn’t work so well if all the people are hearing is the annoying buzz of obsolete or obnoxious techniques.

Yelling at traffic and calling it witnessing is about as ingenious as construction workers yelling at women as they pass and calling it courtship.