Now we know it’s not about the numbers…BUT HAVE YOU SEEN OUR AMAZING NUMBERS?!?
Category Archives: Outreach
Missionary Updates
A fundamentalist missionary to England gives his church a report complete with prayer cards, jokes about gluttony, exaggerated statistics, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and a diatribe on politics.
Being Peculiar People
(photo found at ChristianNightmares. Text by yours truly.)
Ministry Updates Featuring Bro. Dr. Chuck Cofty
Today we have Evangelist Bro. Dr. Chuck Cofty who demonstrates for us how to post a ministry update.
If the caps is a bit much for you just pretend that the whole thing is being bawled in your ear by R. Lee Ermey. Or Jesus. I get the impression that some fundamentalists think that they both sound a lot alike.
PASTOR SPROWLS HAS BEEN THE PASTOR HERE FOR TWENTY-ONE YEARS. WE HAVE HAD GOOD MEETINGS SO FOR THIS WEEK WITH THE OLD FASHIONED ALTAR BEING USED GREATLY. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL CHURCH NESTLED IN THE MOUNTAINS OF CENTERAL PENNSYLVANIA AND COMPLETLY SURROUNDED BY LARGE MOUNTAINS. THE VIEWS ARE SIMILIAR TO THE PAINTINGS OF NORMAN ROCKWELL AND THE PEOPLE VERY KIND AND ATTENTIVE. WE HAVE HAD A LARGE NUMBER OF VISITORS EACH SERVICE WITH PASTOR JOHN LEATHERMAN AND MANY OF HIS FOLKS FROM HIS GOOD CHURCH IN ATTENDANCE LAST EVENING WITH PASTOR LEATHERMAN SINGING THE OFFRATORY. IF YOU ARE HEADED TOWARD PENN STATE THIS CHURCH IS JUST FIFTY MINUTES EAST. TRY IT – YOU WILL LIKE IT AND WANT TO STAY.
AFTERNOON OF THE 21ST A LADY FROM THE CHURCH WITH A THIRTY YEAR SON WHO IS A DRUG ADDICT ASK IF I WOULD MEET WITH HIM IN AN ATTEMPT TO LEAD HIM TO THE LORD. I MET WITH JOHN THIS AFTERNOON, HE SAID THAT HE HAD BEEN SAVED; I ASK HIM AND SHOWED HIM 11 COR 5:17 AND HE SAID THAT HE HAD NOT CHANGED WHEREUPON I SAID IN ALL PROBABILITY YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SAVED. HE AGREED AND PRAYED WITH ME THAT THE LORD WOULD FORGIVE HIM AND SAVED HIM. WE WALKED BACK TO THE PASTOR’S HOME WITH JOHN NOW ON HIS WAY TO HEAVEN AND A PROMISE THAT HE WOULD BE IN THE SERVICE TONIGHT. PRAISE THE LORD!
Dr. Bro. Cofty stand out in my memory as the man who once in my hearing at Pensacola Christian College compared the ‘intelligence network’ of competing school Bob Jones University to that of Al-Qaeda. He was serious.
Outcome-Based Justification
No matter how dangerous, how silly, or how obsolete a fundy’s plan for evangelism may be, the justification is always the same: “If only one person gets saved, it’s all worth it.”
So what if the church van has four bald tires and hasn’t had a tune-up since 1978? We’re going to drive these 8 teens the 1400 miles to Mexico anyway. If we can get one person saved, the risk of death is all worth it.
Look, we may be serving those VBS kids snacks that expired in Clinton administration…but if between bouts of throwing up one of them gets saved, it’s all worth it!
We spent $148,987.50 on printing ten million copies of a gospel tract with three misspelled words and six verses taken completely out of context…but if one person gets saved from reading it, it was all worth it!
Every member of our church has been standing out on a street corner yelling gospel verses at traffic every weekend this year at a total cost of 85 man-hours, two citations for public disturbance, and a whole lot of dry cleaning. Not one person even slowed down that we know of…but if one person gets saved from from the seeds we planted, it was all worth it.
But what if it isn’t? What if the lost getting saved really isn’t really up to your efforts? And even assuming it totally depends on your evangelism antics, what if unsafe and antiquated methods drove a hundred people away in the process of winning one? That’s a net loss of ninety-nine souls in the process of winning one. Worth it?
Now I know that fundies who are reading this are going to accuse me of hating the lost and being too fat and lazy to get off my couch and go soul-winning. But if I have managed to make just one person re-think their approach to outreach…it was all worth it.