Get them while they’re young and will believe ANYTHING! Because we have a much better chance of getting the sinners prayer from people who can’t…you know…think and reason and stuff.
Category Archives: Outreach
Misery
In the fundy worldview, there is nothing worse than a happy, healthy, and contented sinner. For unless the lost are miserable, sick, and hungry how are they to understand how very bad they have been and turn to the fundy for help? Far be it from the fundamentalist to get between a sinner and the perceived punishment for his sin.
Understanding this desire for sinners to live in misery and squalor is key to understanding the fundamentalist view of how charity should be dispensed. For what does it profit to feed the hungry or bind up the wounded if all if does is permit them to go back to their godless existence with a full stomach and freedom from pain? Sinners should suffer until they at last come crawling into the fold, with words of sorrow on their lips.
Any act of charity that is not bait for a gospel trap is all but worthless in fundyland. God may send rain on both the just and unjust but the fundamentalist is often loath to dispense kindness and mercy in the same fashion.
Discipleship
And when it shall come to pass that any sinner shall have prayed the prayer and signed the card and received the right hand of fellowship, if he is a goodly youth and fair to look upon then shall he be shuffled off into a discipleship course wherein he shall learn to observe to do all of the commandments of this book. (and if he is a bus kid then shall he be told “God bless you and we’ll see you next Sunday” and handed an award Bible so he can hopefully teach himself).
And the recently ex-sinner shall be trained with all diligence in the doctrines of hairology and musicology and shall learn how to identify which other Christians are the enemy from afar off. And he shall be given this book of rules wherewith to make his heart tremble and when he shall remark as to how many works of righteousness are required in this free salvation then shall the discipler smile and say “gotcha!” and then begin to talk about tithing.
And the discipler shall stoke the fires of the disciple’s enthusiasm and make the disciple to practice his soulwinning technique at every available opportunity, sparing not to yell the good news at passing cars or share it with telemarketers who will wish they had never called. And the disciple shall grow in wisdom and stature and shall learn how to properly yell “amen!” and raise his hand in the correct gospel salute. And the pastor shall look upon him and mention him in a sermon illustration about people who are “on fire for God” and the disciple’s heart shall rejoice with much gladness for he is now a made man.
And when the days of his discipleship shall be complete, the disciple shall himself compass sea and land to make a proselyte, and when he is made, he shall be twofold more the fundamentalist than was his discipler before him.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 6
Radio
Since before the days of Lester Roloff, fundamentalists have been fascinated with the medium of radio. Churches of the fundamentalist old-school will actually own their own radio station but others will at least buy time on a local station to let the managawd’s sermons be spread far and wide.
As is their custom, fundamentalists must spare no cost to provide an approved alternative to all the godless programming that congests the airwaves. This is mostly justified as “outreach”, although who exactly other than a fundamentalists will consent to listen to the usual fundy radio fare is not exactly clear.
A church’s radio station is actually a pretty good way to figure out exactly what camp they are in.
– If the people sing like they’re a hundred years old and chronically depressed it’s one of the BJU family of churches.
– If the people sound like young men and women who are so excited and happy that they may experience spontaneous combustion at any moment, you’re enjoying the sounds of PCC-style broadcasting.
– If the music sounds like neutered Southern Gospel and frequently stops for interludes of preaching that sound like the speaker is trying to inflict as much damage as possible on his vocal chords, you’re somewhere in the Hyles spectrum.
If you too would like to enjoy a trip down fundy lane, you can check out all kinds of fundamentalists programming from stations like WOEL, Rejoice Radio, and the Fundamental Broadcast Network.
It’s enough to make you wish that Marconi had invented something else — like, say, a better earplug.