Category Archives: Odds and Ends

Needing Unanimous Support

Imagine for a moment that you’re a fundamentalist pastor who has recently decided to make a big change in his ministry. Perhaps you’ve decided to add a bus ministry and a baptistry for children that’s shaped like a fire engine. Perhaps the move is even more drastic such as leaving your church to become a full-time evangelist or even something as far out as moving to the Midwest and starting your own end-times cult.

Whatever the case may be, you’re sure to insist that the only reason you’ve decided to make this move is that God Himself has told you that it should be done. Given that kind of authority for his choices, one wouldn’t think that a fundy pastor would care all that much whether or not the rank and file of people around him agreed with his decision or not. If God be for him, who can be against him? Why care what the unwashed masses think?

Yet, experience proves that not only must a fundamentalist pastor have God on his side but he will brook no disagreement from any mere mortal about his decisions as well. Even if he’s got one foot out the door of his ministry, voicing any apparent concern about the Man o’ Gawd’s decision to suddenly leave may well end you up called on the carpet by the new pastor to repent of your rebellion toward the old one. You can also expect haranguing phone calls from other members, anonymous notes of condemnation sent to your job or home, and possible removal from whatever ministries you happen to work in.

At any crossroads of decision the pastor knows that with God on his side, he’s in the majority — but he needs everyone else to agree with him anyway.

An Exclusive Interview With CampMeetingGirl

StuffFundiesLike.com had a rare opportunity recently to sit down with reader CampMeetingGirl and get an insider view of her world. It was an experience like none other.

SFL: Tell us a little about yourself. Are you married or single? What’s your family like?

I am 24 years old and am single. I have never been married, although I am very open to the idea. I have never had a boyfriend although there was an evangelist who brought his son with him when he preached at our church who Ithought was cute.

My parents have been married for almost 25 years. They were hippies in Missouri when they met. God saved them out of a life of in their commune.My mother says that the best thing about it is that she had plenty of skirts and long enough hair when they joined Mount Carmel Baptist Church. We have been at that church ever since.

I have five brothers: Uriah, Jasper, Calvin (He was named when my father went through a brief phase of reading sermons by John Calvin until he was convicted of the predestination notions he was reading in the sermons. But, Calvin was born and named by that point and it couldn’t be undone. Father says he serves as a reminder of how subtle Satan can be.), John David, and Burl (my grandfather’s name).

We are all homeschooled. I graduated when I was 17 but am not going to college. Father says that the only reason a girl really goes to college is to find a husband or to become a single missionary or single school teacher. Since I have no desire to be single for the rest of my life, I am content to serve at home. Our church does not have a Christian school and we cannot go to Way of Life Independent Baptist Church’s school because they allow their girls to wear split skirts with tights underneath to school when it snows.


SFL: Where do you go to church and what role do you play in it?

Mount Carmel Baptist Church is a fundamentalist Baptist church. That means
we sing no hymns written before 1850 (that’s what the Presbyterians do) and
none written after 1968 (which is when drums started creeping into some
church’s music). Pastor Backlow is our Preacher. He founded the church and
gives us the Gospel Truth every time we’re in church. His wife and their
daughter, Annesley, are both pretty quiet.

I keep pretty busy at church. I play the piano every Sunday morning, Sunday
night, Wednesday night, Choir Practice, Children’s Choir Practice, Ladies’
Fellowships, and Funerals. My mother is in charge of the church kitchen so
we make a lot of green bean casseroles. Her secret is that she adds water
chestnuts. My father is the Head Usher and has been for 20 years. He makes
sure all the people put their children in the nursery and that no
Pentecostal visitor tries to raise their hands during the hymns or special
music.
We also all sing together. John David and Burl both sing tenor and Uriah
only mouths the words, but we get asked to sing at least once a month.

SFL: What do you consider to be the most important thing in the Christian
life?

The most important thing in the Christian life is to believe the Bible. So,
when the Bible says that staying as far away from the edge of the cliff as
possible is the right thing to do, then Christians should do it. I think
that Evangelist Tom Farrell said it right when he said, “One should not ask
how far can I go, but how far away can I stay.” That means that women’s
skirts should be ask long as they need to be.


SFL: What are your goals and dreams for the future?

I hope to get married and have 3 children in the next few years. I am able
to hang out with several people my age in the church’s gymnatorium on Friday
nights. We don’t get to talk much because the Single Director, Mr. Gallman
and his wife, keep us busy playing volleyball and Dutch Blitz. It is my
only chance to wear my denim culottes though. Unless I’m washing the car
with my brother, Jasper.

Uriah is 22 and just graduated from a conservative college. He is courting
a nice young lady from our church. They are saving their first kiss for the
wedding. But, they hold hands. That doesn’t make my father or mother
happy. But, her parents don’t have a problem with it. My mother says that
she’s the kind of girl who (when she and Uriah get married) will probably
let their daughter wear pants if she’s riding a horse. I hope she isn’t
that liberal.

The rest of the boys are either still in high school or at college. I don’t
get to see Jasper much. The college he is in doesn’t let him get off-campus
much. If he does go, he is running a bible club or witnessing outside the
local bar.

SFL: What are your thoughts on Stuff Fundies Like and its readers?

I find it nice to read posts that are so close to what I get to experience
in my life. It’s hard to find people who appreciate the true fundamentals
of the faith and have the intestinal fortitude (as Pastor Backlow says) to
make a stand for the faith. It almost seems like some of the readers do not
like Fundamentalism. But, then I realize that they are just being funny and
it makes me laugh.

Excerpts From A Pensacola Christian College Staff Handbook

In case anybody thinks I’m making up all of the stuff I wrote in the last post, here’s a copy of the Staff Handbook from A Beka Services Ltd, one of the “ministries” run by the administration of Pensacola Christian college :

For those of you who have neither the time or inclination to read the whole things, here are a few relevant excerpts…

Page 19

“We expect Our personnel not to…watch movies rated PG,R,or X whether on cable, Internet, regular TV, video or DVD. When personnel are seen at video rental places, it can hurt the person’s testimony and the ministry’s testimony”

Page 22
“God’s hand of blessing has been on this ministry, and we think one reason is because we, the faculty and staff, have chosen to live a life dedicated to God rather than follow the lifestyle of the world…A big area of temptation today is Hollywood movies in the PG, R, and X-rated categories…Hollywood movies always dull the appetite for spiritual things and eventually lead to a defeated Christian life, causing casualties to the temptations of the flesh. In time, that person will either leave the Lord’s work or at least be non-productive in the Lord’s work.”

Page 24
“Walking shorts and culottes should not be worn for shopping malls…Walking shorts and culottes should not be worn on Sundays, whether you are going for a walk on the beach or going for a picnic after church. Instead you could wear a casual dress or skirt…we ask that personnel daughters abide by these policies beginning on their thirteenth birthday.”

Page 28
For your spiritual well-being as well as the sake of the corporate testimony of this ministry, you are expected to attend Campus Church services regularly Sunday Morning (including Bible Study), Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening.

Certainly we would expect our personnel attending the Campus Church to also support it with their tithes and offerings.

Sunday is considered a day of rest–not a shopping day to go to the malls, shop for groceries, or participate in music benefits…sports activities…are to be reserved for days other than Sunday. Children should not play organized ball games on Sunday.

Isn’t it great? Your employer is not only the guardian of your righteous soul but also the de facto parent of your children. Rejoice and be exceeding glad ministry workers!

Taxonomy

I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I’d try to stall him until authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to ready my camera). “Don’t jump!” I said.

“Why not? Nobody loves me.”

“God loves you,” I said. “You believe in God, don’t you?”

“Yes, I believe in God.”

“Good,” I said. “Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too!” I said. “Protestant or Catholic?”

“Neither,” he said.

“What then?”

“Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

“Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Dispenstional Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Historical Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist
Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Actually, I’m NASB-PREFERRED Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.

— Adapted by reader KindOfBored from a very old joke