Complete with cross-dressing…
Category Archives: Odds and Ends
Really Bad Vacation Ideas
Are you tired and stressed from the rigors of fundyland? Doesn’t a vacation sound wonderful? Well, have we got a deal for you! Sign up for the West Coast Baptist Alaska Cruise and you can spend seven days on a floating Bible conference complete with preaching by David Gibbs and R.B. Ouellette! What could possibly be better than that?
This is the ship we’ll be taking. Be sure to check out our Jonah emergency plan in case of bad weather. (Chances are the lot won’t fall to you, so don’t worry too much)
These are the deck chairs you won’t be using. In face we’ll probably lock them up somewhere to make room for the outdoor mourners bench. Leave your bathing suit. Bring your Bible.
Here’s the shipboard entertainment. Sea sickness will seem like a welcome relief.
And of course, who can have a real vacation without being preached at incessantly? It’s not as if you could have stayed home and heard preaching like this just about any old week.
Yes, all this can be yours for the low, low price of $2,995. Or as it’s known in the Christian Education community: six months pay. But really can you put a monetary value on the blessing you’ll receive from being harangued on the high seas, blasted on the bounding main, and demonized on the deep blue sea?
One thing is for sure, you’ll remember this trip for a lifetime.
Critiques
Among the spiritual gifts of fundamentalism, perhaps none is so highly prized as the gift of being able to find fault with just about anything. The truly gifted fundamentalist can walk into any church, home, public gathering, or pie-eating contest and have a list of things with which they disagree and corresponding proof texts in three minutes flat. I know whereof I speak — I have a double portion of this gift.
Opportunities for feeling superior abound. The music may be too fast or slow or loud or soft or old or new or happy or sad. The decor may be too ancient (Catholic!) or modern (Liberal!) or expensive or cheap or colorful or drab. The people may be too stoic or expressive and dressed too nicely or too poorly. There may be not enough children present or too many children in the service. The pastor may be too long, too short, not Spirit-led enough, a little too high spirited, and (worst of all) not in 100% agreement with the president of my Fundy U. And don’t even get me started on their hymnbook choice…
And that’s just the stuff observed while walking in and finding a seat…
Of course, these criticisms are usually reserved for other people’s churches. If they want to see perfection they should come visit us next Sunday.
The Path From Fundyland
Day 1. I’m a Bible-Believing, KJV Only, Skirts on Women, No Drums In Church, 100% Against Compromising Fundamentalist. Any abuse or corruption in the movement are either lies of Satan against God’s men or else rare and isolated incidents. I’m keeping on until the Rapture! Glory!
Day 529. I’m a Fundamentalist but there seem to be more problems than I first counted on. Scandals, hypocrisy, and the way the preacher seems mad about everything is getting old. Most of the sermons I hear anymore just don’t make any logical sense and it’s hard for me to even take it seriously. Still…I’m doing some good here teaching my Sunday School class and working the bus ministry so I’d better stay and help those who I can. All my friends are here anyway. At least I think they’re my friends. You can never really be sure anymore.
Day 2,378 I’m becoming more and more uneasy with Fundamentalism. Whenever I tell someone I’m a Fundamentalist I follow by giving them a fifteen minute explanation to let them know I’m not one of “those” people. I listen Michael Card music on the sly. I also tried reading an NIV the other day and it made a lot more sense than I thought it would. I’m just really, really tired of trying to keep up with all the rules but where would I go if I left? I have to believe there’s someplace where I can be at peace.
Day 3,109 I don’t know what I am anymore. I’m so angry at myself for letting cruel and arrogant people manipulate and control me for so long. I spend a lot of time these days talking about the errors fundamentalism with anybody who will listen. Name me any fundy camp and I’ll by happy to list you their major scandals and cover-ups for the last fifteen years. Maybe I’ll start a blog…
Day 5,176 I haven’t thought of myself as a fundamentalist in a long time. It’s just as well. A good fundamentalist has to be able to get angry a lot and I just don’t have the stamina to do that anymore. I’m still not sure where I’m going to from here but I’m starting to meet a lot of former fundies who are now Methodists, Presbyterians, Anglicans, and even a few Catholics. It seems like there may be a place for me out there. I have to hope that’s true…
Day 10,439 Independent Baptist Fundamentalism? Boy, that takes me back to some memories I haven’t thought about in years. Well, kids, you just bring me that glass of sweet tea and sit down here at grandpa’s knee and he’ll tell you some stories that will make your hair curl. You see it all started back in 1963…
Glib Answers
Fundamentalists stand more than ready to give an answer to every man.This answer, however, is less inclined to be a witness of the the “hope that lies in them” and more likely to be a series of carefully-crafted, spiritual-sounding but completely-inane phrases.
It goes something like this…
“Frank, I’m so depressed today. I just feel like life isn’t worth living…”
“Well, Jim, rejoice in the Lord, always!”
“I just don’t think I can. I’ve been through a lot recently…”
“Jim, you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you!”
“That’s true but I’m really hurting right now…”
“All things work together for good, Jim!”
“I just don’t see how that’s helping right this second…”
“You just need to let go and let God!”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means that God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called!”
“What on earth are you talking about, Frank?”
“Jim, God never moves without purpose or plan…”
“I’m telling you I’m in pain and you’re seriously quoting me Ron Hamilton song lyrics right now?”
“God gives wings as Eagles? Squash the wiggle worm? He’s still a workin’ on me?”
“Goodbye, Frank.”