And concerning the celebrations of the times and occasions wherein we cover our crosses in flags and drape bunting on the communion table we give these commands that thou forget not the Christian nation that thou hast been given to dwell in.

For in that day thou shalt rest from the labor of decrying the wickedness of thy land and shall instead sing its praises and render it all due benevolence speaking the words long written: “I still wouldn’t want to be livin’ anywhere else because them other folks don’t even speak English!”

Then shalt thou honor the founders of the nation and call them good Christian men and shall speak not a word of their beer drinking and whoring and slave owning. For they brought forth on this continent a new nation wherein the sodas are large and the people are larger and for this and all their many other blessings we give them reverence.

And thou shalt sing the songs of war and the songs of national pride and the songs of remembrance of times past. Then thou shalt preach a sermon sparing not to give honor to whom honor is due. For there are three who bear witness to Washington the Tea Party, the Capitol Connection and David Barton. And these three are our one last best hope.

For we all know that if Jesus had been born today he would have been born in Bethlehem, PA, in the country with the language and culture that God loves most.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 74.