A really powerful, biblical song that’s so much better than that contemporary drivel that those liberal churches love!
Category Archives: Holidays
Human Misery
‘Tis the season to be jolly! And I hate it. Just look at all those sinners thoughtlessly making merry with their booze and music and not even realizing that God’s wrath hangs over their head. How dare they celebrate as if they had some right to enjoy this holiday when they haven’t ever darkened the door of a bible-believing church. Those of us who have worked tirelessly to spread the gospel are the only ones who truly deserve such festivities.
Now certainly some will have an appropriate amount of melancholy as befits their lost condition but even those will be too blind to know that the answer to their “depression” lies in a trip to an old fashioned altar not the liquor store or pharmacy. But most of the heathens, and perverts, and Calvinists will be out dressed in their finery, eating, drinking and being merry. It makes me sick to think about.
I can only hope that some of them get taught a lesson before the season ends. Perhaps a few well-placed car crashes or house fires will set the proper tone as besuits these heathen’s lost condition. One can only hope that God in his infinite mercy will send such calamities to soften their hearts. What a wonderful Christmas present that would be.
But they do look merry, don’t they? They must be so deceived. Smiles and laughter fill the air. Satan is certainly at work here. They can’t really be happy. Only obedience brings happiness. Only the obedient like me should be so happy.
I wish I were.
Friday Challenge: Awkward Explanations
Of all the trials and tribulations that a young fundamentalist deals with, trying to explain the way they live to those outside of fundyland is among the most taxing. And no time of year presents more opportunities than Christmas when non-fundy family spring from the woodwork smelling of beer, dressed immodestly, and using minced oaths without flinching. Inevitably upon these visits someone is going to start asking impertinent questions like “So what’s Santa bringing you for Christmas?” or perhaps “Why is Mary trying to ski in a skirt?” or even “So have you left your cult yet?”
Do you have a story of giving an awkward explanation at Christmas gatherings (or any other time)? Share them here.
Twas the Night before Christmas Sermon (The Truth About Christmas!)
I. The Sinful Witnesses to Saint Nick’s Arrival
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
A. We’re dealing a rat infested home!
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
B. These people are cross dressers – they wear stockings instead of socks
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
C. The kids are on drugs and having hallucinations
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
D. These people sleep naked except for their hats-some weird sect of Mennonites
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
II. The Truth About Saint Nick
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
A. There’s No Rudolph! he was an addition to the Text made by the godless communists in the 1950’s
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
A. He’s a dirty old man (covered in ashes and soot) who has to sneak in your house
B. He’s carrying a bag of toys! He’s senile and probably homeless
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
C. He’s a drunk (red nose)
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
D. He wears hippy type beard
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
E. He’s a smoker – and a pipe at that – probably full of pot
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
F. He’s overweight – not solid and portly like David Grice
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
G. He winks at little kids – he’s probably a pervert
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
H. His friend (the jerk) is an idiot
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
I. This is so disgusting I can’t talk about it – Get a handerkerchief!
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”
J. Everyone Knows this should be Merry Christmas!
Many thanks to Dr. Fiddle, D.D. for pulling this from his files and sending it along. I trust it has been a blessing to your bowels and has put you in remembrance of the true reason for the season: being able to judge others for how they celebrate it.
Thanksgiving (An Uncharacteristically Serious Post)
We are fast approaching the time of year when the United States has ordained that its citizens take some time off to be thankful. Fundamentalists and non-fundies alike are blowing up the Internet with lists of things for which we can be grateful and (oftentimes) covert condemnation of those who don’t look quite thankful enough.
Yet, thankfulness cannot ever be the product of mere command. Some days there would seem to be very little in the way of glad tidings for which we can express our thanks. Some days we just don’t feel very much like being thankful for what we have or can do in the face of what we do not have or cannot do.
“Giving thanks always and for everything” writes the Apostle Paul. But there are some sayings in Scripture that are hard to bear. Thankful for years spend “wasted”? Thankful for being abandoned by friends and family? Thankful for abuse and loneliness and poverty and deception and trauma? It seems so unlikely, so farfetched, so inhumane to even suggest that such at thing is possible.
But I must confess that in my life there have been moments of time when heaven and earth have briefly met and I can see with eyes undimmed by the pain of all the things that have come before when I can be thankful even for these bitter things that have come and gone. Because I believe that there is nothing that can come into my life but that it has been allowed by a gracious Heavenly Father who can take even the wrath of ungodly men and bring good from it. Pain has enriched the glory of grace. Condemnation has increased a love of mercy. Heartache brings with it an increased depth and breadth and height of the ability to love and weep and care for others. For to be thankful is not to claim to have enjoyed what has happened but rather to acknowledge that we are now the better for having endured it.
And so in the spirit of this season, I thank God for allowing my life as it has been thus far. For those who have loved me and befriended me as well as those who have hated and ill-used me. Many have intended evil but I have faith that God has meant it for good. And there is always grace.
I would hasten also to thank all of you as well for your graciousness and your kindness and your encouragement as we’ve shared this time here. Nobody knows what fresh trials or blessings or frustrations or wonderful surprises may be in store for us over the next days but I trust that when it is over we will be able to say together that our Heavenly Father has done all things well.
Enjoy the season. Hug your loved ones. Eat, drink, and be merry. We’ll talk again soon.