Category Archives: Doctrine

“Good Neighbors” A Fundamentalist Parable

A man on his way from Atlanta to Greenville was robbed and severely beaten at a rest area. The thieves even stole his clothes and left him for dead lying on the sidewalk and drove off in his car.

As it happened, a fundamentalist pastor happened by that way and saw the man but he thought there was a good chance the man was dead anyway and the pastor was on his way to go soulwinning so he really couldn’t spare the time. Instead, he carefully stepped around the guy making sure not to get his wingtip shoes bloody and hurried away — muttering about how if  conservatives were in charge of the government this sort of crime wouldn’t happen nearly so much.

A few moments later, a fundamentalist deacon passed by the same way but he observed that the man was immodestly clad and wondered how it might affect a Baptist deacon’s testimony if someone saw him near the wounded man and assumed it was the appearance of evil. So he too carefully stepped around the wounded man, hiking up his khaki pant legs to avoid the gore and went on his way.

But then along came an atheist, lesbian Democrat who taught Women’s Studies at the local community college and drove a Prius. And she saw the man and took pity on his plight. She called him an ambulance and sat with the wounded man and held his bruised hand until the paramedics came. Then she followed him to the hospital and handed them her Visa card and said “Whatever he owes on his bills you can charge it to me. And if he needs anything here is my cell phone number just give me a call.”

Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?

Go and do likewise.

Commandments Concerning God’s Will

And concerning God’s Will thou shalt strive with all diligence to figure out where it is hiding and stand in the perfect center of it. And thou shalt accomplish this task with all fear and trembling for one false step shall surely mean utter destruction of thee and all thine house and thy little dog too.

And when thou abidest in God’s will thou shall in any wise take care that thou not scooch up over on the side nearby the edge or lollygag over on the left side of it nor take field trips over to the right. For if thou takest but one small step to the right or the left thou shalt land right smack dab in the permissive will of God and this is confusion of heart and will land thee in a heap of trouble.

And even if thou shalt be in the perfect center and not in the permissive nor yet standing outside it where the Presbyterians freely roam, thou shalt still spend many weary hours second guessing and agonizing over the one thou shalt marry, and the school thou shalt attend, and on which street thou shalt soulwin. For the Lord doth dearly love to play head games with thee and then chuckle at thy missteps.

And if it shall come to pass that thou know not at all the will of God, thou shalt seek it out from the Holy Spirit. And for thy convenience the Holy Spirit hath taken residence inside the leadership of thy local New Testament Independent Fundamental Bible Believing Baptist Church and thou mayest ask the leadership what the Spirit sayeth on any matter they shall be more than happy to tell thee.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 15

Pre-Millenialism

Baptist fundamentalists are traditionally opposed to those who believe that the kingdom of God is now come upon us. In their view, this present world is ruled by Satan and things are waxing worse and worse and the days are getting darker and darker in preparation for the Rapture of the church (mostly for Baptists), the terribly seven year tribulation (mostly for everybody else), and then Jesus coming back to kill everybody who is left. Well, everybody except Israel that is. They get a pass.

While that viewpoint of the end times is well within the realm of orthodoxy and not at all restricted to Baptist fundamentalists, many in the fundy crowd have taken it in typical fashion and turned it into a license to focus all their energies on only one thing: soulwinning. For if the end of the world is nigh and people could only be a second from slipping into an eternal hell, then the only possible concern we should have is getting as many people to pray The Prayer as possible before Jesus shows up. Nothing else matters.

This explains why in fundyland most social concerns like feeding the poor and treating the sick are far secondary to this work of “getting people saved.” Unless you’re using food or medicine as bait for a gospel trap, there’s no good reason to bother with them. And anything having to do with environmental concerns is right out. Why spend time trying to save the planet when it’s all going to burn?

This reasoning also explains why a common accusation against those who are talking about scandals and evil being perpetrated in fundyland are often accused of “KEEPING PEOPLE FROM GETTING SAVED.” After all, what’s a little temporary abuse and anguish and torment? Exposing the truth will keep people away from our church and we’re the only ones around getting people to The Prayer. If you keep them from coming to our church then their blood will be required at your hand.

He that giveth to the poor…should probably be making better use of his time and money in these last days.

Split Second Decisions

To the fundamentalist, life is a series of tests wherein the Christian is confronted with a temptation or decision that in an instant may weigh him in the balance and find him wanting. One wrong move, one little slip, or the smallest of infractions may send even the most committed fundy’s life hurtling out of control and leave him destroyed, useless, and more than likely dead in some horrible fashion.

The result of this belief results in some astounding acts of post hoc thinking, wherein the a preacher looking back upon the events will declare that it was Wednesday the 24th of June at 4:30 p.m. when little Tommy decided to skip the mid-week service and thereby sealed his fate to die in a freak cement mixer accident two days later. I mean it’s obvious, right? How could we fail to draw the obvious conclusion that one small slip can meet with unimaginable consequences?

Yet, those who study risk can tell you that almost inevitably no disaster is the result of a single decision. It takes a confluence of events compounded by multiple bad choices and usually involving more than one person’s actions to end up with a truly horrific outcome. Unfortunately, those kinds of stories just don’t have the same clear cut relationship of action to consequences that the fundy craves.

A lingering glance, a wrong word, a flare of temper, a resistance to authority, a hair out of place, or a simple act of defiance and the hammer of God’s wrath will fall upon the hapless person and smash them to bits. It’s a wonder that while walking on this precarious tightrope of sanctification that the fundy has any time to care about anybody or anything other than himself.