Category Archives: Doctrine

Current Events, Doctrine, education

Being Right (Why You Can’t Ever Win An Argument With A Fundamentalist)

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Today on the campus of Bob Jones University there has been planned a silent protest with the motto “Do Right, BJU.” It would hardly seem to be controversial in most places in the free world for students to campaign for the justice for victims of sexual abuse and justice for their abusers but the act of free expression itself is so unusual in fundamentalist circles that (whatever the eventual outcome) fundamentalists and ex-fundamentalists alike are taking a great deal of interest in the events of today. There’s no doubt that the students involved in this silent protest are doing so at great personal risk and chief among the obstacles that the protestors face today is the fact that the slogan of “Do Right” is almost always trumped by the greater commandment of “Be Right” which is the cardinal rule of every fundamentalist.

Rule #1 is after all: “I am right and you are wrong. Always.” And so shall it ever be. For the rightness of any fundamentalist institution or icon will always be assumed by the people who defend it. The reasons can be invented later.

The great stratagem is thus to continually change the terms of the debate until you prove that you are right on some solitary point. Once you have done this then claim that the point on which you are standing is the only one that matters and no other arguments can possibly count.

Has there been a moral failing? Point out that the people involved were legally correct.

Was what was done illegal? Appeal to some higher, biblical authority and decry the corruption of the legal system.

Was the action indefensibly immoral, illegal, and unbiblical? Then use your eternal trump card and claim that to focus on it would be a distraction from The Gospel and that nothing can possibly be more important than seeing souls saved.

And do all of the above while endlessly touting your own innocence and integrity and relentlessly denigrating the character and motives of your accusers. But whatever you do, don’t say you were wrong. Don’t apologize. Don’t make restitution. Don’t for a second doubt that you are right simply by being.

For no matter how many court rulings and media stories and witnesses and blogs and protestors rise up against you, you can be confident that you have never been wrong. This is your birthright. This is your heritage. This is the sacred trust passed down from father to son for generations: the gift of being always and forever right.

So Be Right, BJU. Be right, fundamentalist, wherever you are. But you can only be right until the stars fall. For in that latter day then shall the Judge of all the earth stand and deliver His final verdict on whether you truly did justly and loved mercy and walked humbly. There will be no more reasons or excuses or equivocations then. And unless you repent, it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon at the judgment than for you.

But there’s still today. There’s still this moment. You still have time. It’s not too late to do right.

Doctrine, Public Life

Commandments Concerning Times Of Prayer

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And when it shall come to pass that thou shalt eat thy breakfast or begin any trip or shall be called upon to “close us out in a word of prayer” by thy pastor (if thou shalt be lucky enough to not be a women) that thou shalt heed the words which are written in this book that thy prayers and thy fundy cred be not hindered.

For when thou prayest thou shalt in no wise use words that have ever been used before in a prayer. For God shall only hear and answer prayers that are as different from each other as one snowflake is from another. And in the day that thou shalt use a prayer that has been ever said or written then shalt the Lord tell you that he’s already heard this one and ignore you as if you were a tattooed heathen or an Episcopalian.

And if when thou prayest thou shouldest have a creative lapse wherin thou canst not think of what to say next then shalt thou throw in the word “Lord” as a filler. For the Lord doth dearly love to hear his name used as punctuation and never wearies of it. And if thou art really stuck adding a few “Father God’s” or “Good God Almighty’s” might work too.

For when Our Lord taught his disciples to pray he gave them only an outline example which he never really expected them to use except as they might modifying it extemporaneously with much verbal clutter and a meandering purpose. Go and do thou likewise.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 3

Doctrine

Commandments Concerning Preparations For The End Of Days

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And when it shall come to pass that evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse and that whirlwind shall be spotted in the thorn tree that thou shalt verily take heed to the words of this game plan for the Apocalypse. For if thou shalt study to do all that is commanded here then thou shalt verily persevere (but not in a Calvinist way) until the Rapture doth come for to carry you home before the really gnarly stuff goes down.

And thou shalt verily harken unto the words of thy leaders and trade in thy paper fiat monies for coins of gold and of silver and of precious stones. So shalt thou gather unto thyself treasure on earth and lock it in state of the art moth-proof and rust-proof and thief-proof containers. And thou shalt also gather unto thyself firearms and bullets for to protect these treasures from those who might think they need them more than thou dost. For there is no such thing as too much gold or too many guns.

For verily perilous times shall come when men shall think it good to persecute the church with strong language and tax codes and snarky jokes about Christians on prime time basic cable. Then shalt thou gird up thy loins and make thy tents ready for departure and flee as a bird to your mountain state wherein thou shalt live as people did aforetime by growing your own food, shooting your own bad guys, and having the woods for thy sanitation.

And when thou has set thyself upon thy hill and has raised thy barricades and formed thy militia and set by thee thy five year supply of freeze dried lasagna then shalt thou know of a certain that thou mayest withstand whatever the beast and false prophet and great whore can throw at you. As it is written “do not be anxious about anything” and again “cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength” and further “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” And thou mayest ponder why you ran so far away if you weren’t supposed be scared of anything. While thou art at it, thou mayest also ponder how exactly you’re supposed reach the lost if they’re locked outside your fort.

(Alternatively, if you’re a semi-famous pastor and former Presidential candidate you could just take all your church’s money and leave your flock high and dry by running away to start a survivalist cult in Montana. Or so I would imagine if I were speaking theoretically.)

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 297

Doctrine

Times and Seasons

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To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

(Anybody who tells you that you have to be only one thing all the time apparently hasn’t read his Bible. )

Doctrine

Avoiding Confusion By Making Stuff Up

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There are basically two tactics used by most fundamentalist preachers when confronted with passages of Scripture that are unclear, confusing, or contradictory to their own doctrinal positions. The most common is simply to pretend that such troublesome verses don’t exist. This involves just reading some other verse before launching into the weekly rant. After all, it’s not like it really matters what the text is, we all know that the sermons is going to end up on the pastor’s four or five pet topics without fail.

But for those who are convicted that ALL Scripture is given for doctrine, reproof, and self-promotion, there exists another tactic: just read it and then make something up. Guess. Theorize. Give random definitions to the words and then just make it say whatever you want. Bonus point if the passage contains words no longer in common usage.

But what must be avoided here at all cost is the fundy s-word: “scholarship.” Definitely don’t open up commentaries by other people who actually have a clue about the original languages, cultural context, and traditional interpretation. Don’t read translations that straighten out the syntax a little. Just make something up and keep moving. After all, every fundy pastor has The Spirit, And THE CALL™, and the best doctorate that his home church can provide him. Trusting him is inevitable.

But whatever the case there’s something I’ve only heard a handful of fundamentalist pastors in my life ever say: “I don’t know what that means. I don’t think anybody really does.” Honesty like that is almost as rare as a really good exegesis of Genesis 38:8-10.