Category Archives: Church

Church, education

Introducing: A Beka Church

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From the creative minds who brought you A Beka Book, A Beka Academy, and the Four Winds Carpet Color Scheme, now comes the new and exciting A Beka Church program that will spiritually enrich your family or small home gathering. A Beka Church is the perfect solution for a world full of doubt and indecision caused by years of liberal education and free thought. With so many apostate churches in the world, why take a chance on having to listen to differing points of view or hear non-inspired words being read from inferior Bible translations?

The A Beka Church concept makes being a strong Christian so easy. Each week you’ll receive a set of DVDs of songs, sermons, and proof texts crafted by master preachers from Pensacola Christian College and Pensacola Theological Seminary. Each sermon is painstakingly checked for accuracy and grammar usage by a team of spiritual giants headed by none other than the co-founder and campus spiritual leader Beka Horton. Your Christian life is all but guaranteed!

At a traditional church you could spent thousands of dollars in overhead costs to pay a pastor and maintain a building but with A Beka Church there’s only small monthly fee of 39.99 (+S&H) in addition to one-tenth of your income for the rest of your life. You can even use the same video equipment that your children already use for their school work!

Listen to these thrilling testimonials

“Since leaving PCC, I just haven’t been able to find a church that gives the feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I crave. I’m so thankful that A Beka Church was there to put be back in my place.” ~ Danny in Ft. Worth, Texas.

“I just haven’t been able to find any church who’s standards I completely agree with. No more having to spend time on Sunday morning with pants-wearing hussies! I love A Beka Church!” ~ Esther in Greenwood, Delaware.

“A Beka Church is the greatest innovation in spiritual thought this world has seen since you-know-who.” ~ St. Paul

After receiving your membership questionnaire (please use black pen only), your bank draft authorization for automatic tithe withdrawal, and your notarized oath of allegiance, you’ll receive an A Beka Church starters kit containing:

– 1 Copy of The Leaven in Fundamentalism on Video Cassette
– 2 King James Award Bibles (18.99 value!)
– 1 Dr. Joel Mullenix replica hairpiece.
– An exclusive phone number to the pastor’s office which will be working once we actually get a pastor again.

A Beka Church: Get to Heaven From Your Living Room.

Church

Power Shifts

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Fundamentalists ain’t what they used to be. Fundamentalism is exactly the same as it has always been.

Once upon a time, fundamentalism as a movement embraced a wide-flung and surprisingly diverse group of people. While standards and holiness (especially involving alcohol) were a big deal, they were not by far the biggest deal. In the days before the fundamentalist college was ubiquitous, many leaders were educated by Methodists or Presbyterians and these denominations were generally acknowledged to have at least some orthodoxy left in them. Bible Version debates were unheard of and the broader Christian culture often lined up with the fundamentalist ideals making the fundamentalist not so far outside the mainstream.

But here’s what happens…

Meet Pastor Joe. Pastor Joe is (at least comparatively) a fairly reasonable and well-spoken fundamentalist. As his camp in fundyland lurches to the fringe, he tries to speak out in a reasonable fashion against the growing craziness of standards and separation he sees around him. Of course, other fundamentalists mark him as an apostate and separate from him. Joe doesn’t want to completely abandon his theological roots so he leaves to become a Southern Baptist or Non-Denominational pastor with baptistic leanings.

This has two effects. 1)Fundamentalism loses a voice of reason and ends up a little crazier and more perverse as a whole 2)Whatever movement Pastor Joe joins gains a very right-leaning member and becomes a little more fundamentalist.

Inevitably, those who Joe left behind in fundamentalism attack even more of their own and those victims too decide to follow brother Joe into greener pastures.

Repeat the process a few thousand times and you end up with a fundamentalist movement where the lunatics are demonstrably running the asylum. You also end up with elements in the SBC and elsewhere that are increasingly voicing familiar old fundamentalist themes.

Meet the new Baptists, same as the old Baptists.

Church

The (Independent) Local Church

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Fundamentalism is largely the product of American thought and as such lends itself well to the sort of rugged individualism that we so admire in this country. This picture of the Christian as a lone gunmen is so revered that fundies put “Independent” right in their name. All we need is thee and me and the KJV (and truth be told, I don’t even really need thee).

What this reclusive Christianity means is that a New Testament Bible-Believing Independent Fundamental Baptist assembly is accountable to nobody in matters of doctrinal minutiae or hair styles except their pastor, his old pastor, the president of that pastor’s college, and the staff evangelists from the regional IFB fellowship. Thankfully, the people in this accountability chain do not get involved in the oversight of things like ethical breaches and moral failure. It’s there that being Independent really pays off.

If your ideal of Christianity is a church built on a deserted island then fundyland may just be for you. “Plays well with others” doesn’t even make it onto the fundamentalist report card.