Category Archives: Church Services

Church Services

The “Right Hand of Christian Fellowship”

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In many fundamentalist churches somewhere between “Good Morning Everybody!” and “Please Stand out of Respect For the Word of God” lies a phenomenon known as  the “Right-Hand of Christian Fellowship.”

Although it’s more common in the Bible Belt, it has been observed as far north as the frozen chosen of New England and out in the Midwest as well. The Bible Belt version involves more spit, slobber, and little old lady hugs. The Northern version involves more nodding and friendly grunting. But whatever the execution, the basic formula is the same…

The song leader intones “While the piano plays that last verse one more time, let’s all shake hands with our neighbor and greet our guests!”

Pandemonium ensues as people begin turning around and greeting people around them with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

Jonah The Eager Preacher Boy runs from his spot in the front pew up to the platform to be the first one to shake the pastor’s hand. The pastor sees it coming and braces for impact. Handshaking over, Jonah runs for the back to find the Youth Pastor and repeat.

Mr. Jackson The Hairy-Armed Mechanic who smells of equal parts motor oil and Old Spice tramps through the rows doling out painful squeezes and cheery hellos to all in his path. Knuckles can be heard cracking from afar.

Mrs.  Sterlingson The Widow stuffs her slightly used handkerchief in her sleeve,  sniffs with vigor and latches a moist hand on to any one who comes near. The wary and fleet of foot escape untouched. Others meet a less kind fate and glance about for the hand sanitizer.

The piano player finishes the verse and first time and knowingly keeps on playing without even looking at the music.  She breathes a silent prayer of thanks for the chance to keep her hands germ free.

Somewhere in the third row a couple of teenage boys with sweaty palms take this one opportunity per week to briefly touch the hand of a real live girl. It’s awkward, nerve wracking, and joy unspeakable.  The stuff of chaste daydreams and scribbled prayer journals.

“Lets all return to our seats and sing that chorus one more time” bawls the song leader over the din. The pianist hits the intro chords fortissimo and people get in their last words, smiles, and moments of avuncular fondling before jogging back to their places.

The Passing Of the…er…The Right-Hand of Christian Fellowship is complete for another week.

Please pass the wet wipes.

Church Services

Ministry Updates with Evangelist Lee Dean

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What are you doing on New Years Eve? Well, here evangelist Lee Dean describes a fundamentalist watch night service complete with “Cowbell Preaching.”

We then had Round 1 of an exciting “Cowbell” service. If you’ve never experienced one of these you’re missing out! Each of the 5 preachers were given a 10 minute allottment of time to preach. The hosting pastor was timing us and as soon as we reached our limit he would ring an old-fashioned cow bell signifying our time was up, we then had to stop, sit down, and the next preacher then launched into his message. Bro. Bragg preached a powerful message entitled “The Precious Blood of Christ”. Unbelievable message! Then Brother Sisk preached the truth about how all have sinned but followed up wonderfully with the gospel message. Very convicting yet compassionate! Then I preached an abbreviated message entitled “The Pleasures at God’s Right Hand”. Bro. Taylor then preached a challenging fiery message entitled “Just Do It!” In it he urged everyone to get busy for the Lord, worship the Lord, work for the Lord, and so on…He was fired up and urged us to do the same! Then host pastor Kevin Gibson preached how Jesus is the foundation for all great and wonderful things! He preached with passion, zeal, energy, and excitement! We then took a break to do what Baptists do best, EAT!!!
We came back into the service after getting our bellies full and The Heavenly Echoes sang wonderfully for us. Then it was on to Cowbell Service Round 2!! Each preacher preached 5 minutes for this round which took us right to midnight at which point we stopped and prayed in the new year as the clock struck 12

Papyrus font purposely left intact for effect.

Church Services

Running the Aisles

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Although Wikipedia identifies ‘running the aisles‘ as a Pentecostal or Holiness tradition it does show up in certain fundamentalist circles as well. To be fair, this sort of thing is usually reserved for Sammy Allen-style ‘camp meeting’ gatherings of the whoopin’ hollerin’ and tree-climbin’ variety. Still, for pure entertainment value it’s hard to beat. Be sure to keep an eye on the baptistry…

(thanks to Kitty for the link)

Church Services

Bible Conference

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The keeping of the yearly Bible Conference shall be on thus-wise:

At such time when the spirit shall move and make utterance to you through unvoiced urges and rumblings, ye shall schedule the yearly church Bible Conference. And if this scheduling should coincidently happen to coincide with when most kids are having Spring Break that can hardly be the fault of the pastor or church leadership for the Spirit did ordain it — so don’t whine at me about it.

And the Bible Conference shall be apart and aside from the Missions Conference, and Prophecy Conference, and Women’s Conference and not overlap them. However, the speakers from those may be used again so long as they are not the women who spoke at the Women’s Conference, bless their dear hearts, for they shall instead make casseroles for the covered dish suppers that will precede each meeting.

And all church members whether great or small shall attend each and every service of the Bible Conference for the call for everyone to be ‘here and in their place’ may not be disobeyed on pain of dirty looks and being used in an awkward sermon illustration.  And each who attends shall bring his Bible for it shall be inspected by the speaker after he shall give the command “If you have your bible tonight please hold it up.”

And the theme of the Bible Conference must consist of a paring of the date and a phrase that almost rhymes with it if slightly slurred such as “Let’s Stay Awake in 1998” or “Rapture Ready in 2080.” This shall be printed upon a banner to be displayed at the front of the church building and this banner shall verily be made of tractor-feed paper along with some clip-art obtained from a pirated copy of WordPerfect.

But woe unto you if you allow the theme of the conference distract any speaker from his given mission of preaching on whatever he wants for verily we are not high-church nor to we have anything do with their kind. And the preacher shall wax long and cry aloud sparing not to leave preaching and go to meddling at every opportunity about whatsoever sin shall really have ticked the preacher off this past week.

And the last night of the conference shall be the night of awards for those who have coerced the most people to attend or memorized the most verses or have brought the best casserole . And their rewards shall be great for they shall receive a gift Bible from the church bookstore having a market value of $6.99. And it shall be revealed before the eyes of the whole congregation that this is the most the actual Bible has been involved in the Bible Conference all week.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 30-31

Church Services

Asking Why We Don’t Cheer For Jesus

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It’s nearing that time of year when fundamentalist pastors dust off their extra-long Super Bowl Sunday sermon and prepare to castigate their congregations for loving sports more than they love Jesus. “Can somebody tell me why,” the preacher will bellow, “that people can get all excited and cheer and scream for a football game and yet they can’t get excited and cheer for Jesus?” Paradoxically, this line will generally produce quite a bit of cheering indeed.

The real question here is that if the behavior at church is going to be held to the standards of a sporting event, exactly how far is too far? Should we wear our team colors to church? Do we even have team colors? (Red, White, and Blue?). Would it be appropriate for brother “Big Jim” Smith to paint them on his naked torso?

What about concessions? Peanuts? Hot Dogs? Locusts and wild honey? Is it appropriate to do “the wave” when the preacher makes a great point and should the preacher in turn be expected to do an end zone dance at the end of the sermon?

I’ve certainly wondered if the pastor who chides his people for ‘not cheering’ really knows what he’s asking for. I trust you have too.