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Found Here and submitted by a loyal SFL reader.
Category Archives: Church Services
Watch Night Services (A Video Summary)
What were you doing on New Years Eve 2006? Well if you were a fundamentalist chances are you were doing something like this…
Fighting Imaginary Battles With The Devil
The fundamentalist war against Satan is as unceasing as it is uninformed. The field of conflict is so often located in such unlikely places that one has to wonder if Satan has even been told that he’s supposed to show up to fight. Â Satan is evidently much like the Taliban who are known to win a strategic battle against the American way of life every time someone buys a smaller car, skips a vacation, or eats a salad. You may not even know you’re playing, but you’re losing just the same.
Allowing children to attend a secular college? The hordes of hell advance in dread array.
Canceling mid-week service? Christians tremble in fear as the fiery host drives back the faithful few.
Discontinuing your door-to-door outreach? You can almost see devil spiking the ball and doing an evil endzone dance of glee.
Gird your loins and prepare to do battle in whatever patch of lentils your pastor has chosen to defend. Maybe this time the devil will actually show up.
Favorite Hymn Night
In many fundamentalist churches there is a phenomenon known as “Favorites Night” which is code for “the pastor is taking the night off.” The bulk of these services consist of church members chortling in sadistic glee as they search the hymnbook for obscure songs in hopes of making the pianist lose her sanctification.
In aid of this noble goal of torturing the accompanist, the well-versed fundamentalists can consult the handy Index of Songs By Meter found in the back of the hymnal and select something like “What Hath the Lord Done for Thee?” in 7/12 meter. Pianists love it when people do that. They laugh and laugh.
Favorites night is also a great time to dust off one of the following favorite numbers of leather-lunged fundies everywhere:
– Wonderful Grace of Jesus
– The Awakening Chorus (if you’re a PCC grad)
– The Church In The Wildwood
– Son of a Preacher Man
Throw in a few minutes of Testimony Time and the pastor can rest easy until next week. Men on the First, Ladies on the Second, and All together on the last!
Attendence To Special Meetings
Expressed as a Venn Diagram:
Do you have a diagram, chart, or interpretive dance that explains a fundy phenomenon? Share it in the comments section.