After a rousing sermon on the evils of drunkenness and vice, nothing is more satisfying than gorging at an old-fashioned fundamentalist covered dish supper. (Covered dish suppers are not to be confused with the liberal “pot luck dinner” since luck has no place the fundamentalist vocabulary.)
A drop of alcohol that sneaks across ones lips (unless concealed in mouthwash and immediately spewed back out) may cause irreparable damage to one’s testimony and spiritual life but thank goodness there’s no rule against devouring four pieces of fried chicken, two helpings of mashed potatoes, three spoonfuls of that green marshmallow stuff, half a tray of deviled eggs, and a piece of pecan pie.
Almost all fundamentalist services end with a plea to walk the aisle down to an “old-fashioned altar.” This is usually acompanied by standing with “your heads bowed and your eyes closed. Nobody looking around.” while singing approximately 347 verses of an invitation hymn such as Just as I Am or Jesus is Calling.
In reality, the “old-fashioned altar” is a misnomer since the practice of come-down-front invitations is not that old nor is the front of the church strictly an altar since the only blood that is shed there happens during church business meetings.
Fundamentalists have Methodist camp meetings and the work of evangelist Charles Finney in the 1800’s to thank for the modern day come-down-front invitation. What is not clear is if Finney also fathered the technique of saying “If nobody comes on this next verse then we’ll close the service” (inevitably followed by one more person traipsing down the aisle to the collective groans of everyone who has a roast slowly turning to leather in their oven back at home.)
How did they get people saved before “Just As I Am” was written in 1849? It’s almost impossible to imagine.
If you meet a pastor who’s business card reads Evangelist Rev. Dr. Bro. Phil Armenik Moe.D., D.D., D.Min, D.I.P., Th.D., Ph.D., D.Litt, D.Hum., D.Miss.1 you may well be assured that you are in the presence of a fundamentalist who has been the recipient of a good many honorary degrees from fundamentalists Bible colleges. Gird your loins and prepare to be in the presence of greatness.
Honorary doctorates are useful in fundamentalists circles not only for establishing who’s “camp” someone is in but also to provide their hosts with great material for introductions when they’re out guest speaking. For example: “Tonight we are honored to have with us Dr. Lazarus McSnuffy who holds not one but two doctorates in bus ministry and baptistry design from Hyles Anderson College.”
Even more noteworthy are the tiny church-basement colleges that award doctorates to their own faculty — but that’s a story for another day…
How did a non-church-attending, divorced, former-Democrat, Hollywood-insider politician become one of the most beloved icons of fundamentalists everywhere? It’s a good question.
The only possible answer is that Ronald Wilson Reagan stood for something that was so universally good that even fundies were able to look past his flaws. (The cowboy hats may also have helped.)
Rest in peace, Mr. President. We hardly knew ye.
A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.
After a rousing sermon on the evils of drunkenness and vice, nothing is more satisfying than gorging at an old-fashioned fundamentalist covered dish supper. (Covered dish suppers are not to be confused with the liberal “pot luck dinner” since luck has no place the fundamentalist vocabulary.)
Almost all fundamentalist services end with a plea to walk the aisle down to an “old-fashioned altar.” This is usually acompanied by standing with “your heads bowed and your eyes closed. Nobody looking around.” while singing approximately 347 verses of an invitation hymn such as Just as I Am or Jesus is Calling.
How did a non-church-attending, divorced, former-Democrat, Hollywood-insider politician become one of the most beloved icons of fundamentalists everywhere? It’s a good question.