If you happen to be on a fundamentalist college campus and see four guys hunched over a table with cards in their hands, more than likely you are in the presence of one of the the never-ending Rook games that frequent those hallowed halls.
In 1906, Parker Brothers shrewdly created Rook in answer to the Christian objections to games played with standard playing cards. Fundamentalist college students are forever in their debt. Indeed, many fundamentalists study the game of rook in all it’s variations with the same dedication that others study poker. Being a Rook shark is a high place of honor indeed.
So pull up a chair and prepare to bid or set. Call trump well, void as many colors as you can and hope you’re dealt the Rook. And give thanks that you too can enjoy the pleasures of a card game without risking your soul to the evils of playing cards.
Fundamentalists love it when preachers preach hard. They want want the preaching to be so hard that the paint on the sides of the church blisters. They want the pastor to look like he’s fighting bees. They want…something like this:
Ever since the days when rock and roll music first made it onto vinyl records, certain fundamentalists have been holding record burning services for their teens. This tends to work out well for for the record companies since the teens who are burning their records (or eight-tracks or tapes or CDs) will be back at the store buying new copies in not too long.
Of course, it’s not just music that meets a fiery end at these meetings. Everything from mini-skirts to Cabbage Patch dolls are a potential target for immolation. Only the heat of a church bonfire can serve to scour the earth of evil as great as this. Not to mention that it’s fun to get a bunch of teens together and play with matches.
As time has passed, technology has made it harder to get in a good old-fashioned music burning. Getting a group of teens together to delete music off their iPods just lacks some of the visual effect.
On the upside, there’s a decline in youth groups that get carried away and think that burning their drugs in a public bonfire is a good idea as well…
Fundamentalists are not completely opposed to outward displays of worship but make no mistake that when a fundamentalist raises his hands in a service it is quite a different thing from when a charismatic tounges-speaking NIV-carrying Pentacostal does it.
The first major element of the fundamentalist hand raise is the duration. Hands must be shot up and put down within a five-count at the longest. Hands that linger aloft too long may be attached to a person who listens to CCM music.
The second element is the force. A hand must not drift upwards in an airy manner but rather be thrust up from the shoulder in a type of forward-facing ‘karate chop’ motion. Let not your hand give an uncertain gesture. And whatever you do, keep your wrist firm. Limp wrists are the devil’s tools.
The third important part of hand-raising is the accompanying yell. Bellowing “Preach it!” or “Shake that bush!” to go along with this motion removes all doubt that the hand-raiser is not waving or emoting but rather saluting in a stern and serious fashion.
These differences are as vital as they are subtle. Yet the distinctions can make all the difference between being a fundamentalist and being a happy-clappy, mumbo-jumbo, praise and worship compromiser.
The new year is upon us and that means fundamentalist churches are gearing up for the annual ‘watch night’ service extravaganza. Out with the old…in with the equally old.
Watch Night services have served a multitude of purposes over the years. They have given fundamentalists an excuse not to go New Years parties with likker and rock-and-roll. Preacher boys get a chance to preach in front of folks who are so tired they don’t care whether the preaching is even intelligible. But most importantly, it’s historically the one night a year when the old reel-to-reel projector is pulled out of storage and MOVIES are played in the church.
Let not your heart be troubled, these are not evil Hellywood movies. They are granted special dispensation because they come from sacred places like Bob Jones.
How fundamentalists hearts have thrilled to films like Red Runs the River and Thief in the Night. No reveler in Times Square has ever come close to this kind of excitement on the eve of the New Year.
A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.
If you happen to be on a fundamentalist college campus and see four guys hunched over a table with cards in their hands, more than likely you are in the presence of one of the the never-ending Rook games that frequent those hallowed halls.
Fundamentalists are not completely opposed to outward displays of worship but make no mistake that when a fundamentalist raises his hands in a service it is quite a different thing from when a charismatic tounges-speaking NIV-carrying Pentacostal does it.