Good fundamentalists would not be caught dead listening to Steven Curtis Chapman or Amy Grant (the most recent artists most of them have heard of) because of their evil beats and wicked contemporary associations. No matter how much Satan tempts them to enjoy the fleshly pleasures of CCM, the fundy will resist.

However, since good music is in short supply, fundies are willing to concede that the songs themselves might just be redeemable if one can sanctify the music by removing the drums, rewriting lyrics to remove heresy, and letting a male quartet sing it very, very slowly. God is most please with worship that nobody is enjoying.

This is hardly a new phenomenon. Dottie Rambo and Bill Gaither are now in the hymnbook. No doubt, Steve Green’s music will show up in Soul Stirring Songs and Hymns one day as if the songs had been there all along.

The three steps to redeeming worldly music are these:

1. Remove the beat. Not only must the actual percussion be removed but also the syncopation must be smoothed out. The canny fundamentalist can spot where the drums are “supposed to be” and still worry that the listener will be tempted into worldliness.

2. Flatten out the voice. No slipping, sliding, or scooping must be allowed to ruin the texture of the music. Scooping and sliding voices are the doorway to the relativistic clutches of jazz music and sin lies at that door.

3. Re-write the lyrics. Study the words with caution to identify any possible doctrinal misstep. Also replace “you” with “thee” and “thou” for that special fundy flavor.

Following these simple steps will open the doors to thousands of songs that were once the music of the very devil but now can enter into the worship service having been washed, cleaned and sanctified.