All posts by Darrell

“Camps”

churchesFundamentalists eschew denominations preferring to imagine each of their churches as completely separate and independent from every other church. Members often hear the claim that “nobody is going to tell us how to run things around here, amen?” As with most things, it doesn’t really work that way in practice. While fundamentalists do not have denominations, they do have “camps.” These are not the fun and games type of camps, however.

Fundy camps are loosely defined power structures with unwritten charters that revolve around some particular institution or personality. In many ways camps are sort of like gangs but without the hand signs and spray paint. There are even the occasional wars between camps wherein gallons of ink are spilled over things like whether the King James Version is inspired or just a perfect preservation and translation of inspired originals. Casualties are many.

Fundamentalists may belong conference of churches with pastors who all graduated from the same bible school, believe the same things, preach the same way, use the same gestures, and have the same haircut but that doesn’t make them a denomination. There’s nothing like being exactly like everyone else to demonstrate one’s independence.

One-World Government Scares

unThe recent announcement that the fallen World Trade Center buildings are going to be replaced by a new building known as the “One World Trade Center” has created a tizzy in some fundamentalist circles, serving as a reminder that fundamentalists love to frightened of a supposedly impending one-world government.

This is hardly a new phenomenon. Everything from the rumored NAFTA superhighway to the Olympics has been pointed to as evidence of Biblical prophecy unfolding before our very eyes. Before we know it, the UN is going to make a law that everyone has to learn Esperanto! Next, they’ll take away football and make us all watch soccer! Oh, the humanity!

To fundamentalists it’s all obviously part of the very slow rush towards the end of the world which has been going on for the last two thousand years and in theory may take just about forever (although fundies seriously doubt it). After all, don’t you know that the Euro has a picture of a woman riding a beast on it!! Never mind that only sixteen of about two-hundred countries use the Euro, and that the only one coin out of well over one hundred different coins carries that image. That 2 cent piece the smoking gun that fundamentalists need to prove that the EU is most definitely the seat of the anti-Christ who will no doubt be making an appearance sometime in the not-to-distant-but-not-specifically-setting-a-date-like-those-cults future.

No prophecy conference would be complete without a little xenophobia mixed with some wild guesses ripped from the headlines. The end of the world is here again.

Thanks to Stephen for the idea

Attendence Books

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Memo
To: All Sunday School Leaders
From: Horace J. Studebacher, Sunday School Superintendent.

Dear Teachers,

Please take extra care when filling out your Sunday School attendance books for the coming months. The pastor has informed me that his review of the attendance record has turned up several discrepancies which he thankfully caught before sending the monthly numbers in to the Sword of the Lord. We need to do better. Let all things be done decently and in order, amen?

To that end, here are a few guidelines for keeping your attendance record books accurate.

– Sunday School attendance is defined as people who actually have visited your Sunday School class this week. “They were here in spirit” is not the equivalent of attendance nor is their spouse taking them home the handout enough to count them as present.

– If you are prone to filling out your attendance books on Saturday night, please do so in pencil so they can be corrected. Let’s make it as easy as possible for our pastor to spot those who are falling behind in their Sunday School visits.

– Pregnant Sunday School attendees do not count twice unless they actually give birth in your classroom on a Sunday between 9:30 and 10:15 a.m.

– While Pack the Pew week has always been a time of friendly competition between Sunday School classes for the annual Top Fishers of Men award, it is not appropriate to “trash talk” the leaders of other classes in church the parking lot. In addition the use of door prizes, and other promotional stunts such as swallowing goldfish is discouraged unless you are working in the bus ministry.

Hopefully these reminders will serve to get us back on the path to good honest record keeping. It is important to conduct ourselves in a Christlike manner as we all focus our efforts on getting our Sunday School numbers to new record-breaking levels.

Occassionally Chuckling At Themselves

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My hat is off to the good folks at Maranatha Baptist Bible College who evidently have the gift of being able to poke a little fun at themselves.

Check out their listing for a Masters In Bus Ministry with courses like:

BM 103: The Bus Ministry and Homeland Security
BM 210: Corn Crossbreeding and Home Ethanol Distillation
BM 302: Negotiation Skills and Pre-Adolescent Biting
BM 305: Petroleum Industry Futures Trading
BM 306: Long Bus Routes and The Exodus: Reformed Theology Examined
BM 409: Assigned Seats?: Calvinistic Thought and the Bus Ministry

(thanks to melissa for the link)