99 thoughts on “SOL: Classifieds”

  2. Darrell, you have sick dreams.

    And I don’t mean “sick” the way the kids mean it.

  3. Third!

    Because church should always come first, haymen? Before family and definitely before fun. :/

  4. The private pool/lake view is only acceptable if the state of Florida prohibits mixed bathing. Also, the proximity to Disney World is only acceptable if Mickey starts wearing pants. If Minnie is wearing pants, the family and I are leaving.

    1. Please excuse George, it’s Donald Duck who should put on pants. Mickey just needs to wear a shirt.

    2. Nah, the family will leave with the wife while the man stays behind to ogle, I mean win, evil wimmenz souls.

  6. At least the last name is spelled Ye Olde Tyme™ way with a “y” and not a “I”.

  7. I almost choked on my coffee from shock as I read that ad. But as I looked down I saw it was a classified ad posted on SOL, and I wasn’t surprised. Then a profound sense of uneasy confusion settled over me as I pondered that SOL actually has a classified ad section on their website. O.o

    1. Dang, Daniel, now I won’t be happy until I’ve read the Sword of the Lord personals.

      MoG seeking Helpmeet, Doormat seeking Alpha Male, and (I shudder to think) …

      1. Dear BG,

        I’m holding you responsible.

        Now STOP IT!!!

        K? Thxbai,
        TIILS

  8. Knee length swimwear? Are there separated swim times in that villas for the men & women?

  9. Disneyworld? It’s pretty expensive to go there anymore. Wouldn’t that money be better spent in the offering plate for the pastor’s annual vacation to Hawaii?

  10. Is the fundamentalist boycott of Disney over? Last I heard, Disney was a den of iniquity with its support of the gays and their other liberal leanings. Are fundies allowed to watch Disney movies again?

      2. The first movie I saw at the cinema was a re-run of Disney’s “The Jungle Book” when I was about 8.
        I’m doooomed !

        2. I got an invite to a movie, told the girl my parents wouldn’t let me go, she said it was “just” a Disney movie. I went joyfully home and told my parents that it was “just” a Disney movie…………..It was still a movie.

        3. Mine was a double feature with Herby the Love Bug at a drive in movie with some cousins and my brothers, not long before we became IBF.

    2. One Fundy lady I know commented to my wife one time that she refused to show Disney movies/cartoons to the preschool kids she worked with. She stated that the classic animation “Beauty and the Beast” was of the devil and promoted beastiality to children. Really… give me a break!

      Our ex-CEO/fundy pastor always railed about christians looking at life and the influence of the world through rose colored glasses. However, as I proactively distance myself from the fundy world, it’s interesting how these people perceive normal, everyday things through their “fundy shaded glasses” and skew the true meaning.

  11. Disney World is a fundy phenomena – at least in Florida. In the church I went to, it was the ultimate vacation destination – all the pastor/deacon families went there – despite tank tops and Wizarding Worlds. Mind you, they left tracts in the restrooms, so it was more of a missions trip really.

    1. Correction – Wizarding World is Universal, but it’s all up there in Orlando – I’ve seen vacation photos of church members in front of Hogwarts – ROFL!

      1. That is priceless, since I have been told sooooo many times that Harry Potter is something a Christian should not read.

        2. That depends on what you compare it to.
          Next to Stephenie Meyer (“Twilight”) or Dan Brown (“The Da Vinci Code”), J.K. Rowling is a virtual James Joyce.

        4. Yeah, no hatin’ on Harry Potter! I was going to say at least the characters are good role models, but they do play fast and loose with the rules and get commended for it lol

        5. exactly… it’s witchcraft, ya know. And witchcraft and rebellion of the fundy MOG go hand-in-hand!

    1. REFORM HEALTHCARE GOD’S WAY

      Try Medi-Share, where Christians have saved over $725 million by sharing each other’s medical bills! Family options average less than $300 a month and members pray for and encourage one another. Call (800) PSALM-23 for free information.

        2. After talking with a family I know about how it works, methinks medi-share is closer to a form or voluntary communism than it is to standard insurance.

        3. Voluntary communism IS Biblical, so I guess they’re being consistent about it.

        4. BG – While I agree that a form voluntary communism is biblical, I wouldn’t say most of the people using medi-share are being consistent (in that they don’t typically act biblically, and also in that they would deny the communistic aspects of what they’re doing). In this case, that’s probably a good thing.

        6. Except they only pay for what they CAN. It’s things like those “plans” that are why there are mandatory minimums for actual insurance companies, cause insurance customers don’t think they’ll be the one to draw the short end of the health straw and have massive bills/needs. Severe undercoverage sure seems like a $ saver until you are the one that gets sick.

      2. A healthcare plan that includes saying some magic words?

        Sweet. I am going to self-diagnose using a Magic-8 ball.

        “My back hurts. Should I try stretching and excercises?”
        *shakes magic-8 ball*
        A: You may rely on it.

        Yay! No doctors for me. Take that Obamacare.

      3. Does the quasi-insurance company (AKA The Collective) get to set some rules about what types of things are covered or is everything always accepted without questions? If this is the case, what a deal for anyone wanting a bunch of elective procedures while passing most of the costs on to others. Bonus if you can set yourself up as a “provider” of services.

        (Not sure how above board such arrangements really are. I can see lots of potential for fraud or pyramid-style scheme.)

        1. I’ve looked into this program. It does not cover preexisting conditions, elective treatments, medications, wellness visits (such as women’s exams), or anything for mental health.
          It also has a list you must agree to: no promiscuity, no tobacco or illegal drugs, and something about alcohol, but I can’t remember what.

        2. It won’t do for me, then.
          I have a pre-existing condition called being alive.

      4. Miriam, you forgot to include the extension on that phone number. It’s 1611.

        You’re welcome.

  13. How much is a classified ad with SOL? I can’t find it online. I’m thinking the SFL community should take out a few ads…

  14. Another SOL classified shows Dar-El’s alma mater is hiring. Good news.

    Christian Ministry
    WHY NOT SERVE IN A CHRISTIAN MINISTRY

    Pensacola Christian College is seeking qualified candidates for the following areas: Telecommunications Technician, Print Media Designer, Digital Media Designer, Web Programmer, IT Systems Administrator, Production Artist, Copy Writer, Cabinet Maker, General Maintenance, and Carpenter. Good salary, benefits and retirement program. Visit http://www.pcci.edu/EmploymentOpportunities for more information. Send cover letter, resume’ and brief testimonial to Employee Services, PO Box 17023, Pensacola, FL 32522-7023 or employeeservices@pcci.edu

      1. I would want to see a solid definition of “good”.

        Besides, how much is a good price for turning over control of your entire life?

        Working at PCC has to be a soul-sucking thing.

        1. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say it is a good, livable middle-class wage.

          The issue is that they are hiring just one person for all the duties listed. It will require 86 hours of work per week plus soul-winning on Saturday morning, bus visitation on Thursday night, 3-to-thrive on Sunday night and discipleship on Tuesday night. But at least you don’t have to worry about calculating your tithe, they will automatically deduct it for you.

        2. Well I worked for them briefly. It is not even close to a middle class wage. I worked in maintenance for about $16,000 annual. This was in the early 2000s. By comparison, I gave it up for a labor job with Walmart and doubled my pay.

        3. It doesn’t necessarily just one person they’re looking for, I don’t think. But I’m sure they will add as many extras to the work requirements as they can 😛

  15. I must be nearly completely cured of my IFB affliction.
    When I saw the title the first thing that came to mind was not “Sword of the Lord”
    … but “Sh*t out of Luck”

    for me the IFB has become less than irrelevant… it’s pathetic… sad… evil on many levels… it is the hallmark of what’s wrong with Christi-churchanity in our society. It is the anti -gospel, anti-mercy, anti-hope, anti-religious, anti-intellectual… anti-Christ institution found in the Industrial Religious Complex operating in Americanized Culture (wherever its practiced around the world).

    I know there are Christian brothers and sisters in the IFB cult… I pray their eyes and understanding will be opened some day.
    *sigh*

    1. Don, you and I both thought first of the same definition for SOL. I’d be totally done with the IFB archives in my brain (I’ve forgotten 95% of my anti-KJVO arguments, having not needed them for a decade), except for being in a conservative Baptist church that feels like IFB 2.0 sometimes. New music, slacks on women, but same culture wars and anti-gay boycotts… Blargh!

      1. Josh for goodness sake. Why don’t you leave a church that doesn’t accept you. No need to find another, in my experience. I’m happier without one. Just IMO.

    2. I’m a big Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, so my first thought was Satellite of Love….

  16. I personally know several fundies that go to Disney and rent a house instead of staying on property because it’s cheaper. I guess making the wife cook and clean is fine during a vacation.

    Also, the saying “you don’t taje a vacation from God” is still going around. It’s frequently put together with “forsake not the assembling of yourselves together”. It’s part of the fundy marketing/control strategy.

    I would guess that only about 10% of fundies can afford to go to Disney. Between not being allowed to get a proper education and being guilted into giving the church what little money (and time) they have they just don’t go. A more “proper” vacation is s missions trip to help some poor deserving missionary.

    2. Don’t forget that it is expensive to take the eighty jillion children you have, because birth control is verboten, on vacation.

    3. Apparently, a 1-day ticket to Disney World now costs $105., or $99. if you’re under 10.

      So the base price for a Fundy-sized family of 8 would be in the vicinity of $820./day. That doesn’t include food, souvenirs, or any of the myriad extras Disney pushes on you at every turn.

      Besides the fact that it’s less fun than having your foot gnawed off by an alligator.
      And the alligator charges much less.

      2. I live close enough for Disneyland to be a day trip. Costco sells discounted multi-day/park passes. I imagine they have a similar deal for Disney World too. (travel tip)

      3. I went to Disney World once over spring break with some friends during college. Having crossed that off my bucket list, I have no desire to do it again. With that said, choosing between Disney World for $100+ and an alligator gnawing off my foot for free, I’ll take staying home for $0. 😀

        1. The only good thing about Disney is running through it every January =D The actual parks, eh, I can take it or leave it. Universal is much funner!

        2. My stepmother coerced all of us kids into a Disney vacation (complete with my stepbrother’s then-toddlers) about five years ago. I know a lot of Disney is lost on me because I’m in my 30s and don’t have children, but good grief. I had always said Vegas was my least favorite place on the planet, but Disney gave Sin City a run for the money.

          Never again.

        3. I visited Universal when I was in Florida another time. As I recall, it was cheaper and more enjoyable.

  17. What’s the $ cost for this getaway? Do SOL subscribers get a discount? Partial refund or discount if you send the bulletin (signed by the mog) from local IFB church to SOL as proof of attendance? Asking for a friend…

    1. I wonder if SFL contributors get a discount for renting this villa…

        1. I call the master bedroom.

          I’ll being taking applications for my roommates. Bribes and favors are not only accepted, but encouraged.

  18. “10 Minutes and you can be in church. 20 minutes and you can be at Disney soulwinning and protesting the gays.”

    By posting this ad in the SOTL instead of a general community publication/site, they can avoid doing business with those outside their belief system.

      1. I bet there is a questionnaire. If you want to advertize in SOL you must submit a brief statement of faith…..

  19. If this ad doesn’t scream SCAM ALERT, I don’t know what does:
    (this is the whole of the classified on SOTL)

    Moms & Dads Work From Home
    ATTENTION MOMS AND DADS

    Make a difference – work from home. Call 1-207-446-2080.

      1. I think the most horrible moment in that video was when the kool-aid drinking sycophants in the audience started to laugh at what he was saying. I know the kind of adults created by telling children these harsh “truths” can be and they are unhappy, cruel people. God help us if this is what we consider love.

        1. My favorite part was how he tells his six-year-old that the princesses’ charm is deceptive and their beauty vain. Perfect set-up for when she’s a little older and it’s her responsibility to keep all the men around her from sinning by dressing like a nun and acting like a doormat. Remember little girls, being pretty means it’s your fault when the men around you act like orangutangs on Viagra.

  21. The nearest fundy church is about an hour away from my place. Bummer. I have no other words to compete with this ad.

    Actually, I am signing off. My road to healing from the IFB is complete. Thank you Darrell (sp?) for interjecting much needed humor.
    Reading all the comments and posts (especially the ones about the evils of culottes) over the past year and a half have been a balm to a healing and hurt soul.

    The Fundies I dealt with are a narcissistic, controlling, abusive and toxic bunch. There are so many parallels between Narcissistic personality disorder and the types of fundy I knew. Also the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding, and crazy making behavior all bear eery similarities to people I knew in the IFB.

    I have forgiven them. Justice and revenge are handed over to God Almighty. The forgiveness was found through many hours of therapy and support group The humor to withstand and take with a grain of salt the people from the IFB was found through this blog and the forum. This blog is the greatest. Thanks.

    1. Redgrosbeak, people with experience like yours are needed here. There are others who are struggling with funny-mentalism, and you really can be of help, even if it’s just commenting occasionally.

    2. Happy trails to you, Redgrosbeak.

      There aren’t many places an hour away from the nearest Fundy church. Are you on an island somewhere?

        1. Google Maps shows that church as being on the mainland, not on an island, although it is near a river called Connoquenessing Creek.

        2. “Connoquenessing” sounds like a good name for the kind of condescending, finessing, finagling stuff of which many fundy sermons are made.

        3. Yup, Big G. It’s on the mainland, but at an intersection of streets locally called “the island.” That’s explained on their website.

        1. Glad you’re back, Redgrosbeak!

          Hope you’re not anywhere near Sarah Palin & co.

    3. Dear Redgrosbeak:

      You’re sure you’re not bitter, right? Only Joking! 😉

      God bless you, my friend! Do stick around and offer your perspective and insights as others wrench themselves from the shackles of man-made religion and force themselves into God’s glorious kingdom of grace! As I see it, you’ve given us the best of what this great little website means.

      Christian Socialist

  22. Do non-IFB mog’s get the special pastor’s rate…asking for another friend?

  23. So if Bruce Jenner has known since he was 8 yrs old that he was a woman….shouldn’t he have to forfeit his Olympic medals?

  24. My first thought was that no one who reads SOTL couldn’t even afford an afternoon in the place…then I thought of Tony Hutson and his ilk who can “just hint at somethin” they want and the sheeple get it for them….

Comments are closed.