256 thoughts on “God’s Glory Bible”

  2. Yes. I’ve seen a similar “Patriotic” “Bible” in real life. Sadly.

    1. Who is made in the image of George Washington, Ben Franklin, and Abraham Lincoln (pre vampire hunter). So, yeah, ‘Murica.

    2. Wasting me some money…getting 5 for $35.95…stocking stuffers for next Xmas! Roll Tide!

  4. Well, obviously God’s Chosen = Americans. We called dibs therefore this is entirely appropriate.

  5. I thank thee that I am not like other posters, including the one above whom I shall ignore. Part the crowd! My phylactery is wide and my glory bible ….glorious. I signed my own copy.

  6. WAIT! This is totally wrong . . . I don’t see where the Glory Bible says whether it is Democrat or Republican.

    1. Surely you jest. Everyone knows that Old Glory and the King James are wholly owned subsidiaries of the Moral Majority and are Republican by default. 😉

      1. You are totally right, I don’t know what I was doing “thinking” without checking my Fox News Pocket Catechism.

        1. per the Fox News Catechism, Democrats aren’t REAL Americans. And everyone knows that when they say By Americans, For Americans, they only mean REAL Americans.

        3. I remember seeing a cartoon of a well-dressed (very) well-fed white American politician screaming “get rid of all these illegal immigrants!Send them home!” Beside him is standing a (admittedly caricatured) Native American saying “I’ll help you pack.”

        4. Speaking of Real Americans, I read something very interesting the other day that said that Muslims in America used to vote overwhelmingly Republican until after 9/11 and the Bush administration scapegoated them. It wasn’t until the voting patterns changed that the anti-Muslim hate rhetoric by the extreme right really heated up.

        5. @DS – among political game theorists this is very well known. It makes sense for Muslims to vote GOP, since they hold a lot of the same values, like abortion being a sin, etc. There was an interesting article in the Economist (I’m pretty sure) about the cold calculus behind choosing to alienate a voting bloc in order to mobilize a larger force.

        6. “Bush scapegoated the Muslims”

          So they really “didn’t” attack us and kill 3,000 of our citizens?

        9. Oh, not all of them, of course. Probably some of them haven’t even heard of this “Bible”. But many have, and many of them would be very happy with it.

          American fundamentalism is intensely patriotic.

        10. Dear greg,
          I have had pretty good success with the following resource, and would like to share it with you. Blessings.
          Helpful book

        12. I am comforted by the constants in the universe. Constants such as:

          Pi
          Avogadro’s number
          Acceleration of a falling object
          greg’s ability to miss the point every time and blame his favorite boogeymen.

        14. Dr…..I’ll have a look at that one, if you will read the Quran.
          I have read the Koran, at least Abdel Haleem’s translation into English. I hear Maulana Muhammed Ali’s “study Koran” is pretty good. Oh, wait, I just realized that you were being a passive-aggressive jerk without actually having any desire to learn or grow. My bad.

  7. The Ultimate in King James…. wait, did King James ever convert and become an American?
    Oh, dang, silly me… he, along with Patrick of Ireland, the Apostles and Jesus have been awarded American Citizenship by the IFB. I remember now.

    I must be in the advanced stages of IFB recovery to make a slip like that. A good dose of a SOTL conference and I might just flat line on all things fundie. 😉

    2. There is some sort of delicious irony about an USA-themed Bible named after a British king.

        1. I have often wondered how the Bootstrap, rugged individualistic, Independent, Fundamental Baptist types are going to react to God’s economy and his sovereign reign over them.
          Maybe that’s why all these IFB empire builders are the way they are… you know, trying to get the sheeple used to living under a sovereign gid. o_O :/

        1. Shouldn’t it be “Keep calm and carry calmly?” or my personal favorite:
          “F*ck calm, and go powerlifting.”

  8. “Additionally, this unique Bible contains inspirational testimonies of four Americans who have made a difference in the U.S.A. by their selfless actions and deeds.” ~ from site.

    Thank goodness we have finally added some edifying examples of selfless actions and deeds to the Bible. I can’t wait to see how American patriots died on the cross for me.

    1. “Thank goodness we have finally added some edifying examples of selfless actions and deeds to the Bible.”

      I know I’m naive, but I’m still surprised to learn of people who look at the Bible and think, “All it needs is some inspiring stuff added to it. And it should be about Americans.”

      1. Actually, I think the thought process probably went something like: There ain’t no Americans in the Bible (‘cept Jesus) . . . well, we can fix that!!

        1. Having no USAmericans in the Bible is indeed quite problematic…..how else are we going to find the strong values like patriotism, capitalism, and individualism that we proclaim in the Bible without a few good Americans?

        2. Yes, I live in the Lowcountry. I’m aware of two IFB churches nearby. I think I know which one you are referring to. (sorry, I’m responding to an above post that wouldn’t let me reply). Until a few interesting interactions with members from these churches, I was not aware of the whole IFB universe.

      2. Excellent point, Big Gary…..all the edifying examples in the Bible call people to love their enemy, forgive everyone…those are so annoying….we need some edifying examples that prop us up a little better….

    1. That one star does have a bit of a ‘sparkle’, if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

      1. Twinkle, twinkle, little toes…argh! These word plays are no pun at all!

  10. Brother Andrew should have smuggled these Bibles; the Cold War would’ve ended a lot sooner.

  12. by Americans, for Americans.

    Sooooo, I guess they’re over that whole spreading the gospel to the ends of the earth thing now, huh?

    1. Hey, anyone worth saving knows that ‘Merica is God’s lifeboat set afloat in an ocean of evil furiners. Get on board or get lost.

      1. Just like the translation of 1611, later called the King James Translation, is for the Church of England.
        I guess if you aren’t of the Anglican Communion, you shouldn’t use it.

  13. Darrell, instead of posting this link on the anti-KJV brain page with my comment, I considered sending it to you. I thought it might deserve it’s own post.
    I see you do also.

  14. “…there is one gold star for Jesus, 12 stars for the disciples and all of them together represent the 13 original colonies.”

    Isn’t this pretty much Mormon “lost tribe of Israel” theology with a little twist?

    1. I know I put the second line outside the html command. that’s two for George against me today.

    2. Mormonism is pretty much the ultimate American religion, if you think about it. And, in spite of different legends of origin and some theological disagreements, Mormons and the IFB have a great deal in common – including the KJV.

      1. The Book of Mormon reads like an imitation of the KJV by a not terribly talented writer.

  15. The ultra-patriotism of Fundystan is what made me leave. I was more concerned about that than the quirky lifestyle issues. Working cross-culturally, and overseas, for over a decade really changed my perception of my country. i love my country more, but I am also very aware of its problems. I still think it’s one of the best places to live, and I value my freedoms, but I also get concerned when it (we) are not working towards the right ends.

    1. “i love my country more, but I am also very aware of its problems. ”

      That is exactly my thoughts on it. My family is one of those who believe that true Christians are American conservatives – and far right wing ones at that. I was taught that all cultures are inferior to American conservatism and nebulous “traditional American values”. I no longer believe in the global manifest destiny of right wing American jingoism. I can love my country as it is without needing to make it into a golden calf.

    2. “I still think it’s one of the best places to live, and I value my freedoms, but I also get concerned when it (we) are not working towards the right ends.”

      Fundynomore, that’s exactly the effect traveling abroad, and knowing people from other countries, has had on me and my family.

      1. And yet, fundy “missionaries” can live abroad for years and never absorb this basic lesson.

        1. There seems to be a difference between those who listen to the people in their “mission fields” and those who want to do all the talking.

          The same thing could be said of State Department officials and military folk who are assigned abroad.

        2. I think it depends on which gospel they are presenting. Is it the true Gospel of Jesus Christ or the gospel of “Americanism and Western Culture”.

        3. I was a missionary for 15 years, but an evangelical, not a fundy one. I currently am part of a bilingual congregation where I advocate for the undocumented immigrants and educational equality.

        4. @fundynomore,
          Don’t you know that the folks you’re advocating for may be secret al qaeda agents bringing ebola into the good old USA?
          /sarcarsm/

  16. from the “Learn More” page…

    “…and you know it is the Holy Bible from its size, shape and gilt page edges.”

    Glad to see they have the gift of discernment.

    2. “Feel the cover and feel the quality – the cover has a leather-like feel that is of a higher quality than many bonded and genuine leather products. This is far from a paper cover that goes over your current Bible, the colors are actually dyed into the supple cover material.”

      Nothing says cheap like fake leatherette.

        1. It’s Naugahyde. Here’s some history on Naugahyde, the source of the covers for God’s Glory Bible:

          “The small chameleon-like animals known as Naugas™ have long been known as the source of beautiful and durable fabrics that look like fine, soft leather. And since Naugas shed their hydes without harm to themselves, the fabrics they help make came to be known as Naugahyde®, The Cruelty Free Fabric™.

          Despite the popularity of these little animals and their hydes, little is known of their origins and how they first came to America.”

          For more history, go to http://www.naugahyde.com/history.html

        3. I grin greatly when I see Allan Sherman referenced.

          An author named Mark Cohen just wrote a superb biography of Sherman called Overweight Sensation. Highly, highly recommended.

  17. What part of, “My kingdom is not of this world” don’t they get? (massive hand to forehead slap!)

    1. “God’s Glory™ Bible is a symbol of God and Country united.”

      That misunderstanding is the whole deal with them – it’s a feature, not a bug.

      1. Yes, that’s the whole problem summed up in one sentence.

        … But don’t you mean “God and Country united” is a bug, not a feature?

        1. To be precise, I meant that from their view of things, the idea of God and country united is a feature, not a bug.

          Maybe what I’m getting at is that when we speak of separation of church and state, or more precisely, debate the limits of state encroachment on the church or vice-versa, you simply can’t have a meaningful conversation with this stripe of fundy, because they’re operating from an entirely different logic. To them, there should be no separation – God and country should be united. Where to even begin?

        2. “God and country should be united.”

          That’s fine if you mean my version of God and my version of country should be united and imposed on everyone, but if you mean your version of God and your version of country should be imposed on everyone, we may have a problem.

    3. Well, they have made their churches and their temples “houses of merchandise,” so why not market “the Bible” as merchandise also?

      Nothing like racking up treasures on earth, you know. Gold rules.

      Of course the Bible says nothing about the Western Hemisphere, nothing about America, and nothing about the English speaking peoples. They must be insignificant in the long run.

      1. I don’t actually believe any of the NT authors had any insight into the future. Even John’s hair-brained apocalypse doesn’t have any indication that it was meant to portend future events.

        2. Or is it “hare” brained? Either one is kinder than, “Sounds like an AWESOME acid trip.” Fwiw, I focused most of my seminary time on Johanine literature, and love John’s hair-brained little novel!

  18. “Its deep blue field has thirteen stars in total: 12 white stars representing the 12 disciples and one gold star representing Jesus. Together, the thirteen stars represent the 13 original colonies of the United States of America. ”

    The new mythology. Just wait for it. In ten years, you’ll have fundy friends insisting to you that the 13 stars on the original flag represented Jesus and his disciples, and isn’t it such a shame that modern day America has forgotten the true meaning of the original colonies and turned its back on God?

    1. Those other 37 states are the heathens. Thank the American god that I am in one of the original 13. Amen.

  19. So, who is commemorated/represented by the stars on the spine? Mary and Joseph? Maybe the two witnesses from Rev. 11:3? Are there any stars on the back?

    The flag-red presentation box is definitely a keepsake.

    Make sure you check out their Facebook page, especially the picture of the Glory Bible between the Net and ESV translations.

        6. UncleWilver, whoever conceived of this idea – Not Great Men. And if I were given one by my fundy friends or relatives, I’d be tempted to Return the Gift. And, well, looking over everyone’s fine comments here – That’s Entertainment!

        7. notquitesofundyanymore–I’m pretty sure I have a copy somewhere in my library. I think it was given to me (and everyone else) when I was attending Unusual U. I guess I won’t be loaning it to you when I find it, though…………….

  20. re: hovertext, I’m surprised at the way they designed the box that the God’s Glory Bible is packaged in. From the picture, it’s solid red, with a single gold star in the center, beneath the text. Almost looks a bit too Chinese-flag, a bit too old-school communist, maybe, for the theme they’re going with here. Maybe it’s just me.

        1. Just as some Christians say the Bible contains everything you’ll ever need to know (about tractor repair or any other subject), the most devout Maoists believed that the Chairman’s works contained everything people would ever need to know.

        2. He’s holding the book like that because he’s badly farsighted and forgot his glasses. Also explains how he got lost in the desert while riding his tractor.

        4. I think that’s supposed to be an enormous grain field.
          He still seems to be heading the wrong way, though.

        5. I am going to make bumper stickers that say: “The Amber Waives of Grain are White Unto Harvest” and sell them to IFB-folk. I’ll set up a GoFundMe later.

        6. Make sure to include random capitalization and exclamation points. Nothing convinces an educated heathen quite so much as random usage errors.

  21. That is truly an abomination. How can God be pleased with our over zealous nationalism clothed in a cloak that claims his name.

    1. Or over zealous denominationalism wrapped in Chick tracts claiming moral superiority in the name of Jesus…

      I mean seriously, would Jesus be a Baptist? Much less an Independent, Fundamental one?

      Oy Vey! What a stench we must be before heaven with our fractured religions all claiming exclusive favor of God.

      *smh… walks away mumbling to self*

  22. When you put your flag on the Bible so it can be more properly called the book of God’s glory, YOU ARE ONE BIG, FREAKING IDOLATOR!

    YES, I AM YELLING!

    1. God’s Glory is now trademarked, so when you say it, send your royalties to God’s Glory (insert TM symbol here-it seldom works when I try it) Bible, please.

        3. I would joke that I typed a-l-t, but someone would explain that it was the Alt key and spoil an already lame attempt at humor.

          I’ll have tp practice the html spell-i mean code.

  23. How long before some nutbar starts a war because insulting the USA is insulting God? This equating of nationalism with God is the beginning of a slippery slope. I sure hope there are enough and strong enough people in your country to combat this frightening trend.

      1. Mr. Coward surely knew how to pack a lot of words into two and an half minutes– and with some scat singing to boot.

        1. Aw, rats! For some reason, I’m not getting the video. Is it “Mad Dogs and Englishmen”?

    2. “David Barton, signature historian, sets the record straight, unveils the true and forgotten history of America’s founding, the source of what made this nation so great…”

      See? What I said in my comment above about the 13 colonies/stars representing the disciples? It’s all about the revisionism, the secret forgotten history, with this bunch. No secular deists among the founders that fundies worship, er, revere.

      1. David Barton has discovered what I like to call the Weekly World News Principle of history: Don’t bother distorting the record or quoting things out of context; just make it all up.

      2. “true and forgotten history”

        I like that term. I really do. I can tack that on to any bullshit I make up and run with it.

        “If course they’re gonna say it’s not true. It’s forgotten history, remember? They forgot it. Lucky for you, I’m around.”

      3. I see many of us have read from the IFB World History as I See It, unabridged edition, that I referenced a few days ago.
        I think Barton may have helped edit it.

  26. “The print itself is called ‘large print’ in the industry, but it means that it is easier to read than the small print in Bibles of olden days.”

    So, they have changed the Word of God!?!? Aaack!!!

    (Or, maybe the italic part of the font was inspired, but not the font size. Yeah, that must be it.)

  27. American Pelagianism

    “Another part of God’s Glory™ Bible that makes it unique is a inspirational section that showcases four good-hearted Americans who committed themselves to making a difference in the lives of fellow Americans. These testimonials will inspire every owner of God’s Glory™ Bible to continue with a purpose of hope, get involved and contribute to our country’s well-being. After the inspirational stories, exclusive pages are designated for you to enter your own goals to serve others, including spaces for you to write the dates and descriptions of your goals and the dates you accomplish your goals. This allows you to create a personal testimony of doing good for others in a way for your family to remember forever, further creating an heirloom for the next generation.”

    1. Ah, yes. The central theme of Scripture–I can do all things through my own initiative.

      (please note the sarcasm dripping from my comment)

      1. Guess I should put my reading glasses on. Can’t even spell my own name.
        the Admiral

        No I haint been drinkin

  28. Looks like it’s just a normal KJV in a red, white, and blue cover with a couple pages of testimony and a list of states thrown in. All for the low, low price of $40.

    It’s probably one of those print-on-demand books, so if they only sell one they still make however much profit.

  29. Happy Epiphany, everyone!

    https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1097&bih=515&q=epiphany+cartoon&oq=epiphany+car&gs_l=img.1.0.0l3j0i24l7.1243.5630.0.9388.12.11.0.1.1.0.300.1065.10j3-1.11.0.msedr…0…1ac.1.60.img..0.12.1070.cT7HknK9TXc#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=o6qu-F0lqNT5oM%253A%3Bc7Rk1CLd-OLMXM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fsandystrachan.files.wordpress.com%252F2014%252F01%252Fcontact-lens-wise-men-cartoon.gif%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fsandystrachan.wordpress.com%252F2014%252F01%252F06%252Fa-cartoon-for-epiphany%252F%3B397%3B281

  30. “Order ‘God’s Glory Bible The Holy Bible Honoring God & Country’ for just $39.99 plus shipping and handling…BUT WAIT! If you order in the next 15 minutes we’ll send you not ONE but TWO Glory Bibles! (Just pay extra shipping and handling).”

    1. Nah. It only has five stripes.
      I don’t know what flag that is, but it’s not the U.S.A.’s flag.

    2. You really shouldn’t do that. Burning plastic smells really nasty, and releases toxic chemicals. Running it through a wood chipper might work, though.

  32. “Making giving a part of your life”? What’s that got to do with the whole thing?

    1. according to the link that “making giving a part of your life” takes you to…this Bible—-unlike any other Bible–will “Make giving a part of your life and show your patriotism by donating time or money to a nonprofit organization in your community”

      So this Bible–because it has stories of Americans–will cause you to want to donate your time and money to nonprofit organizations. I guess that makes sense because throwing money at a problem does seem to be the American way 😉 Since embodying the Gospel and taking in a homeless person or building a relationship with someone in need is so hard.

    1. AG – I yelled at RobM for posting this video over in the forums. Therefore, I shall at you.

      STOP IT. DO NOT EVER POST RICK ASTLEY VIDEOS AGAIN!!!!

      No matter how much I yell I still can’t erase that time in my life when I thought this was cool. So cool that I dressed like him. And had a similar haircut. And wore the Raybans. And danced like him.

      🙂

      1. My non-work prescription glasses are Ray-Bans. What’s wrong with them? Huh? You got a problem? Huh? Come on over here and say something.

        I will admit that I don’t associate them with Rick Astley. Never gave him any attention at all. If I associate them with any singer, it would be Buddy Holly, and he passed a couple of years before my arrival. And mine are dark brown, not black. And smaller than Rick’s.

      2. Thanks to AG for posting that delight! It’s a shame there’s a preview so that people aren’t properly rick rolled into seeing this treasure!

        1. LOL. Worst RickRoll attempt in history. It didn’t show the preview until I hit enter, so I thought I was getting away with one. I’ll plan better next time.

      3. I’ve got the video of you dancing like that, Scorpio. With the glasses. And the haircut. Dressed like that.

      4. Aww, Rick Astley is awesome. Did you catch the time he Rickrolled most of the viewing public of the U.S. of A. during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

        No, seriously, he did. Showed up unannounced on a float for something completely unrelated and sang “Never Gonna Give You Up” live.

  34. Am I guaranteed that my copy will be made by an American who is also a fundy, KJVO, pre rapture, pre trib, fundy u type, or would that cost extra? Also are all of the paper etc products manufactured by the same or are those potentially from unamerican places?

    1. The British Empire,of course. They were used to give us the only true Bible for the English language, and began the spread of English to the world.

      Miss SC was hilarious, by the way.

      1. Before that, it was the Spanish and Portuguese, chosen to spread Roman Catholicism around the world, but God grew tired of paella.

  36. God’s Glory™ Bible is a limited FIRST EDITION King James Version Holy Bible

    I thought the First Edition of the King James Version Bible was over 400 years ago. Silly me!

  37. This reminds me of that giant family bible that was being sold back in the 70s. Pretty sure it was for the bicentennial and Jerry Falwell was peddling it. It had pictures of the presidents in the middle of it (ending with Gerald Ford). We had one of those in our home. My mom probably still has it.

      1. I don’t know what Falwell hawked them for in 1976, but Amazon has one for $6.95 now.

        That’s still about $6.94 more than I’d be willing to pay for it.

        1. You know, it could have been sold by Van Impe (My dad and brothers went to his 1976 crusade, or whatever he called it, in Philadelphia). Both Falwell and Van Impe were on the black list with some fundys. At Maranatha in the early 80s, you would have thought that Falwell was the Antichrist.

    1. Dear CS, they’re all just in it for a profit. It’s all about the money they can soak from the patriots.

      1. This hearkens back to the Bible Corrector’s Brain Dude who misapplied 2 Corinthians 2:17.

        “Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, as those sent from God.” (NIV, just to blow a gasket)

        B.R.O.

  39. I really want one of these, only with an Afghan flag, and stories of Afghan heroes, etc. When do you think they’ll market those?

    Oh, ‘Murca is the only Christian nation? How many believers have been martyred for their faith here?

  40. “…this unique Bible contains inspirational testimonies of four Americans who have made a difference in the U.S.A. by their selfless actions and deeds.”

    It also contains testimonies about Jesus, btw.

    Anybody know who these top four symbols of American patriotism might be?

    1. It appears that they are with the four charities receiving proceeds of the sales. http://godsglorybible.com/make-giving-a-part-of-your-life/

      Hay For Horses has no website listed and I, in my short search, can’t find anything. My guess is it’s the group that feeds wild horses because the horses have “been forced from their habitat by evil robber-barons and their construction projects”. My solution involves learning to eat horse, but I’m going to guess that will upset people.

      1. My French chef friend tells me horse tastes pretty good if you cook it properly.
        Donkey sausage is another French specialty.

        But, you know, the French.

        1. I spent two weeks in China’s Hebei Province in a city on the border of Inner Mongolia (an autonomous Chinese province). I couldn’t say for sure what all I ate while I was there. I would have no problem eating horse, though.

          There is a really good possibility some of the “beef” I ate as a kid was actually mule. (another story for another time)

  41. I was just watching the videos about the manufacturing process for God’s Glory Bibles, and saw something strange. (My older daughterbinds and repairs old books, so I thought it might be interesting)

    The Bibles made for Americans by Americans use German labeling on the machines. In the “All coming together” video, there is a piece of tape with “Seite” written on it. The German word for “page”. So, are they Americans or not? Some of the women don’t seem to be in fundy attire, either.

    1. Maybe it’s one of those great fundy paradoxes–like you can’t go to movies, but you can watch sports events with scantily clad cheerleaders and beer commercials.

      Americans using German components?
      German-speaking Americans using German components made in America?
      And….

      1. Those of us that are holy change the channel when the cheerleaders and beer commercials come on. So there.

        🙂

        1. If you were truly holy, you wouldn’t have to change the channel, because you wouldn’t be tempted by scantily clad women sponsored by beer.

        2. I guess the people from my church weren’t quite so holy. It may have been the only time they learned how the rest of the heathen lived!

        3. If you were *truly* holy you would be reading your King James Bible or out soul-winning, instead og watching that heathen television…..

  43. Just great. On another blog I frequent, I got a side-bar ad for…….God’s Glory Bible.

    Now they know who I am.

      1. Probably the person who downloaded the KJV from the web. It is in the public domain, as are quotes from early Americans. Quotes of founding fathers made up by David Barton are copyrighted by David Barton.

  46. Jack Schaap Prison Bible™

    “Made by Prisoners for Prisoners”

    “Making Giving a Part of Your Lives!”

    “Printed and bound in the Federal Correctional Institute, Ashland, Kentucky”

    All proceeds given to the Jack Schaap™ legal fund.

    2. So maybe Jack is one of the great American stories featured in this Glory edition. Along with other IFB luminaries who are now behind bars…

        1. Luminaries, lunatics … potayto, potahto … it’s pretty much six of one and half a dozen of the other.

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