image by Nevit Dilmen
Christmas is now over for everybody but the billion followers of the liturgical calendar. For the rest of us, it’s time to do our penance for our celebrations by setting goals for the new year to be nicer, get healthier, and stop yelling at traffic.
Today’s challenge is to make a fundy resolution. Make it high-minded to the point of being impossible, self-righteous to the point of being intolerable, and just weird enough to make sure nobody else will have already shared it the next prayer meeting when you tell everybody how the Lord “laid it on your heart.”
I personally am going to take my Bible everywhere I go. My big family Bible that weighs 8 pounds. Even to the bathroom.
I am resolved no longer to linger.
Come on, some one had to say it (or sing it at the Watchnight Service).
Ha! Yes, that was my first thought too.
With divine help (because we can do nothing of ourselves), I resolve to leave KJV-only tracts in the stall of each public restroom I visit during 2014. I also resolve to print the address of the local Fundy church (which I do not attend) on these tracts so that their attendance increases in the coming year.
They’ll come in handy if the toilet paper runs out.
I’m gonna build a time machine so I can go back to 1611 and get the first published copy of the KJV. I will make an altar to it and worship it al the days all the days of my life.
For me, it must be:
I resolve to win one person a week in 2014, so that 52 will be saved by the end of the year.
(Because, hey, it all depends on me)
My resolutions (not necessarily in this order):
Pray daily that Darrell gets saved
Start a Bible College
Require my wife to wear a hat to church
Burn an ESV in my firepit
Stop drinking
loose 10 pounds
I resolve to witness to coworkers exactly how the freshly minted evangelist decrees even though he has never had a cubicle job and has no idea how work relationships work.
I resolve to be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman.
I’m not really sure how I’m going to buy real estate without my husband co-signing for me, but with God, all things are possible!
Additionally, I resolve to bury any negative feelings deep inside, always speak in a syrupy voice, and school my expression into a constant, vacuous smile.
Any failures in these areas result in my doing penance by hosting the ladies’ Bible study.
I resolve to acquire captive maidens to do all the housework so I can shop and do crafts all day, and maybe a little cooking when I get bored.