Preachers

Friday Challenge: Pulpit Jokes

261 Comments

Today’s challenge is to dig back into your memories and recall the very worst jokes that you’ve heard from the mouths of pastors, evangelists, missionaries, and other random people who stood up to speak.

Here are a few to get us started…

*****

A pastor was preaching in a small country church and only one lone farmer showed up for Sunday Morning service.

“What should I do?” the pastor asked the farmer.

“Well, if it was feeding time and only one cow showed up, I reckon I’d still give him some hay,” the farmer replied.

So the preacher got up into the pulpit and preached from Leviticus for two-and-a-half hours. After he was done he again approached the farmer:

“What did you think?” he asked.

“Well…” said the farmer carefully, “if it was feeding time and only one cow showed up I don’t reckon I’d give him ALL the hay!”

****

Q. Who was the shortest man in the Bible?
A. Knee-high-miah

(Riposte: No, it was Bildad the Shoe-height!)

****

Q. What’s the most biblical car to drive?
A. A Honda. The apostles were all together in one Accord.

****

A young pastor was pleased that every time he spoke an elderly lady would come by and tell him what “warm sermon” he had just given.

That is, until the senior pastor reminded him that “warm” just means “not so hot.”

****

Ok, it’s open mic. Who’s next?

261 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Pulpit Jokes”

  2. If I had a dollar for every time I heard this one I could retire and travel around the world.

    “Please turn in your hymnal to “Standing on the Promises.” Let’s stand for this one, you can’t stand on the promises while sitting on the premises.”

    1. “…While sitting on your blessed assurance.”

      Yes, he really said that.

  4. Not a joke, but a bit of doggerel:
    A young theologian named Fiddle
    Wouldn’t accept his degree.
    It was bad enough being Fiddle;
    Much less being Fiddle DD.

      1. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
        Groucho Marx

        5. Have you read “Harpo Speaks”, the autobiography of Harpo Marx? Recommended reading for any Marxist!

  5. Second?
    MOG says he dreamed he went to heaven. He was taken into a room full of clocks. Each clock represented someone and every time that individual sinned, the hand on their clock would circle from 12 around once. In one area he saw a fan. He asked why the fan in the room full of clocks. He was told “that’s not a fan – that’s _______’s clock. ”
    (He would’ve asked privately before speaking for the name of someone in the crowd that was known to cause trouble or was popular.) Um, yeah.

      1. Pass it on over this way. These “jokes” were dreadful, and I don’t doubt that there will be more by morning. Although I’ve always liked the one about the starfish. It might help that I didn’t hear it from a pulpit.

    2. I heard this from a civilian instructor during military training. People thought I didn’t find it funny because I thought well of the individual this instructor used in the joke, but I was just really disappointed because I had been anticipating a punchline that had some, well, punch. What a dreary excuse for humor.

  7. They smoked cigarettes in the bible. When Rebekah saw Isaac, she lighted off her camel. Heheh, that ones actually pretty good.

  8. The Sadducees didn’t believe in the resurrection so they were sad, you see *eyeroll*

      1. “Pass the sugar, Sugar!”
        “Pass the honey, Honey!”
        “Pass the tea, Bag!”

        1. That reminds me of the jokes told in the Mennonite community:
          Why do Mennonite women always wear their hair up in buns?
          Because all bags are tied at the top

          What do you call coffee break in Clearbrook (the town full of Mennonites)?
          Menopause

  10. This one—meant to make the point good works alone don’t get you into heaven.

    Man dies; goes to heaven; at the gate St. Peter’s not gonna let him in. “Why not?” the man insists; “I’ve done good deeds… I gave a thousand dollars to the Salvation Army.”

    Peter said, “Wait right here,” left for a bit, then came back, counted out ten $100 bills, then said, “Here ya go. Now go to hell.”

  11. I used to hate when my pastor would say something particularly offensive and then ask, “Amen or oh, me?”

    1. OMG (gosh) ours said that too! I thought it was unique to him – silly rabbit

    2. Or “it’s getting awful quiet in here, I must have touched on something personal” or something like that. I always thought “nope, we are just sitting here like akways”

  12. The one about the little boy sitting down on the outside, but standing up on the inside.

    Also the guy throwing starfish into the ocean…

    How many million times have those hackneyed stories been told and always as if they were the most original tales ever.

    2. As if starfish would be on the sand anyways! They cling to rocks. And oh, by the way, they don’t care if they’re out of the water for a time. Haven’t you ever seen low tide? Furthermore, they can walk on their own. Argh! Christians who bend facts to make a story…

  13. Three boys in the schoolyard were bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he then calls it a poem, they give him $50.00.”

    The second boy says, “That’s nothing, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.00.”

    The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

    I cheated, but couldn’t resist sharing this one straight from what has to be the hallowed halls of the SOL and John R. Rice.

    http://www.pastoralcareinc.com/resources/sermon-helps/jokes-for-sermons/

    B.R.1

    1. I like that one. What’s so wrong is that they are willing to laugh at themselves, but only to appear humble.

    2. ^This^ after leaning around the pulpit with a hand behind one ear after making a statement he thought deserved a reply, listening for a response of some kind from the silent congregation. And if the congregation didn’t play along, he would turn his head toward the pulpit and “haymen” himself. Then he would wipe his mouth with his MOG hanky after which he would throw said hanky on the pulpit in disgust. I still feel the guilt…

        1. 40 looong years I wandered in the fundyness. Eating the manna, drinking the Kool-Aid……

        1. It’s for wiping spittle. And throwing on the pulpit for extra emphasis.

        2. It’s mandatory. I’m pretty sure of that. Plus, when you wear a full suit and you’re 200 lbs overweight and you’re jumping all over the place and running around, you sweat a lot. It’s the fundie version of a sweat band.

          Although I will say that my dad always carried a hankie, and I have fond memories of it because whenever I was particularly upset as a child (sometimes after a rare spanking), when the hankie came out it meant all was well and everything was going to be okay.

        3. When my father died, I got his suit out to take to the funeral home and in the pocket there was a clean hankie carefully wrapped around some seeds he had picked up the last time he wore it. I made sure that remained in his pocket.

      3. Ours had a little sign with the word “amen” on it. It was kept in the pulpit, so he could pull it out when he felt the congregation wasn’t vocal enough.
        Also, I remember the hankies.

  15. When was tennis first played in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

    A bear catches a man in the forest.
    Man: Heavenly Father, may this be a charitable, Christian bear who will have mercy on me and let me go.
    Bear: I humbly thank You for this food which I am about to receive…

    1. Do they learn these things in “preacher boy” college? Because wow – exact phrasing

  17. A common joke is a preachers taking a verse or two out of context, basing their entire sermon on that and claiming that they are preaching the Bible.

  18. Not only is the KJV superior to the original manuscripts, it can be used to correct them!

    2. What proud, three suited, fat as butter, cream faced loon hath proclaimed such folly?

  19. A church is looking for a new preacher. They have a man come out and he preaches a message on a Sunday night. They like him and vote him in. He preaches again on Wednesday the same exact message. Then on Sunday he preaches the same message again. After a couple weeks the deacons go to him and say “pastor, we really like you, you have preached the same exact message every service for the last two weeks, we were wondering when you will preach something new”. The pastor responds saying “I will preach something new when the church starts doing what they have already been told to do”.

    It inevitably gets a few laughs but is also very passive aggressive reminding the people of the position of the MOG.

  21. Did any of you have life insurance jokes? We don’t need any life insurance; what we need is death insurance.

    1. I don’t understand this. A person has to have a material interest in something to insure it. This is why we have “automobile insurance” and not “car-wreck insurance”. I am trying to think of any way for someone to insure death, but I can’t think of any.

      1. “I don’t need no life insurance! I know where I’m goin’!” Yeah, that’s not what it’s for…

    1. OMG (gosh)! Yepper Skipper, that’s the one I’ve even repeated a time or two….very recently even.

      I’m ashamed.

      How to wipe the fundy hard drive?! I wish I could remember where I first heard that one, “If the barn needs a paintin’, paint it!”

      Bob Jones Junior, maybe.

      B.R.1

    2. First heard that one on fundagelical Christian radio. Chuck Swindle, er.. Swindoll, I believe. I’m sure the preachers’ wives love that one.

  24. Preacher says “And in conclusion …”

    Little boy sitting next to his dad in the pews asks, “Daddy, what does ‘in conclusion’ mean?”

    Dad looks over at him and says “nothing, son. Absolutely nothing.”

    (Interestingly, the pastor I heard use that one was pretty good about wrapping up his sermon at a reasonable point. But some of his colleagues … not so much so.)

  25. Not a joke per se, but the long time (45years) Pastor at my old church was had an expression when his sermons were getting long and he had to wrap up in a hurry– “I must stop. I will stop. I have stopped.” It was always good for a chuckle.

    Shortly after retiring, he developed a terminal cancer, and requested that that saying be incorporated into his funeral in some way. They printed it on the back of the the program, so he managed to sneak in one last joke.

    2. The pastor was going on a bit long. A little boy turned to his mother and asked “Mommy, is it *still* Sunday?”

      1. Yeesh. That one ^ sounds like it came straight out of “The Family Circus.”

  26. Not really a pulpit joke, but if two or more fundies get into an elevator, one will always say “…the first shall be last and the last shall be first!” whenever the one in front gets out.

    Every.

    Single.

    *******.

    Time.

    2. In my Christian school, in third grade, we had a brief period of “you go first” battles at the water fountain. It wasn’t a fundy school by any stretch, but for some reason we latched onto that. I think teachers called a stop to the nonsense pretty quickly.

  27. April 1st is National Atheist’s Day.

    Because the fool hath said in his heart there is no God.

    I thought that was vaguely idiotic the first time I heard it when I was about fifteen and an adult told it to me. I was also rather taken aback by his collection of scripture bumper stickers (including that one). Let’s just say they’d escaped his bumper and run wild all over his car.

  28. “The poor don’t need education or food stamps! They need Jesus!”

    Yes, I heard that. More than once.

    No, the statement is not a joke. But the Pastor was!

    1. Saw it on Facebook today. The rest of the commenters pretty much ripped the person who dared say it to shreds. I didn’t feel sorry for her in the least. She was well-meaning, but James addresses this sort of thing when he says that if you have the means to help your neighbor and don’t, but say to him, “be warmed and filled,” it’s useless. My hyperfundie ex-boyfriend would often say that whenever I mentioned that I was cold or hungry. I often felt like punching him.

      1. I’ve often said that if the church was doing its job, the government wouldn’t have to have a welfare program. But people in church don’t like hearing THAT.

        2. Hey, tithes and offerings are for Bible “colleges,” magnificent church facilities, and extremely generous compensation packages for the Mog! What kind of Marxist are you that you would suggest squandering “God’s money” on widows and orphans?

        3. @Joshua Crosby: Such a bad job that the government instituted a welfare program.

          Good Housekeeping was a bit radical back in the day from a modern Right Thinkin’ Murican perspective. Go here:

          http://hearth.library.cornell.edu/h/hearth/browse/title/6417403.html

          and start reading around the turn of the 20th century for on-the-ground accounts of the first government school lunch programs, homeless shelters, mothers’ aid programs, etc., etc.–and why they were founded. Hint: Because there was a need.

  29. My nice new car was stolen. In its place was left a complete wreck, dented, scratched, with bits falling off. Crock of ages, left for me….

    1. On the subject of cars…..
      Harpo Marx was once invited to spend the weekend at Alexander Woolcott’s home in Vermont. Harpo drove up in a broken-down Model-T Ford, a battered 25-yr-old beater with accordion-pleated fenders
      “What on earth is that?” Woolcott’s asked, understandably incredulous.
      “Oh,” Harpo declared “this is my town car.”
      “What town?” Woolcott’s replied “Pompeii?”

  30. The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending, and to keep them as close together as possible.

  31. I’m slightly concerned; none of these jokes are in seventeenth century English, and I’ve heard variations of several of them in Anglican (Episcopal) Churches. Doubly unsanctified!
    A minister has a secret love of cherry brandy, known only to a few members of his congregation. They tell him they will give him a whole case of bottles provided he thanks them publicly from the pulpit the following Sunday morning. So, Sunday comes and the minister goes to preach. Those in the know listen carefully throughout the sermon for the minister to reveal his addiction, only for him to end his talk with the words; “I’d like to thank members of the congregation for their generous gift of fruit, and the spirit in which it was given.”

  33. David Gibbs: We’re going to drink starbucks in Heaven

    * Later *

    Kurt Skelly: I’m not questioning whether or not starbucks will be in the afterlife, I just don’t think it’ll be in Heaven.

    idk, I just found this funny, he’s a funny guy

    1. David Gibbs (Jr) seems to really like food related jokes and stories, and sharing stories where he humiliates any worker who gave him bad customer service. And made up stories where he is the hero: like that yarn about how he had to land a plane in Alaska after the pilot became incapacitated; with only help from the control tower. Yeah, right.

      2. I have eaten on two occasions with David Gibbs. He has the most disgusting style of eating of anyone I’ve ever met who was not afflicted with an actual physical disability. On top of that, the man is, without a doubt, a complete and total glutton and who uses every technique in the book to get those around him to eat as much as he does. It was actually shocking.

  34. “Men if your wife has an annoying friend, don’t tell her she is annoying.. just mention how pretty she is”

  36. “If I wasn’t a Christian, I would look at my wife’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’ll be having”

    2. Do pastors realize what is happening when they condemn the cheapening of marriage one sunday and the next make wife jokes?

  37. “We men always try to act tough like David … until we realize the cockroach has wings.”

      1. It’s hard not to act like a terrified girl when the cockroach can fly at you. Or so I’ve heard.

        2. This is what I like about living in a country with good killing frosts. The bugs just never get a chance to get too big.

        3. I got up to get a drink of water as a child, saw a happy family of roaches near the sink cabinet, thought little of it. Another time my sister broke open a cookie she’d baked, and a cucaracha was baked inside. That one didn’t really faze me either. Of course, those were relatively tiny (but they did fly). It wasn’t until we moved west that I saw inch-long roaches, and even that’s nothing from what I heard my brother tell of his time in Florida.

  38. So, at a revival meeting there was a man that was a visitor. No one had met him before but he sat up front. Being this was a revival meeting the sermon was longer than normal. During the preacher’s message the visitor kept yelling “Amen Pharaoh” and “Preach it Pharaoh”. When the service was over the preacher went up to the man and asked him why he kept calling him Pharaoh. The man replied “because like Pharaoh, you would not let God’s people go”.

  39. Three couples are on a short vacation trip on a small airplane. They are a Baptist preacher and his wife, an Episcopalian minister and his wife and a Methodist minister and his wife. The plane crashes and they all die.
    They get to the gates of heaven and St. Peter greets them and says “Let me take a look at your files first”.
    He looks at the Episcopalian minister and says “Sir, you have led a good life. You have helped many people in need, however I cannot let you into heaven”. The Episcopalian is astounded. “Why not St. Peter?” “Well”, St. Peter says “you had a problem with alcohol. You in fact loved alcohol so much, you married a woman named Brandy.” So the Episcopalian looks at his wife, grabs her hands and says “Honey, I love you and I will miss you.”
    Then St. Peter looks at the Methodist man and says “While you also have led an exemplary life and have helped so many people, I cannot let you into Heaven”. Can I ask why not says the Methodist. St Peter responded, “you sir have a love of money so much so that you married a woman named Penny.” The Methodist hugged his wife and told her he loved her and would miss her.
    Then St. Peter looks at the Baptist and before he can say anything, the Baptist grabs his wife and says, “Fanny, I will miss you terribly”.

    2. Bob Jones Jr’s wife was named Fanny. So of course we used to imitate his voice:

      “I love to go home and kiss my Fanny!”

  40. Dad, what does it mean when the pastor takes off his watch and lays it on the pulpit?
    Nothing at all, son. Nothing at all.

    1. The Pastor got up to preach “unfortunately I don’t have a watch on and the clock on the wall has stopped so….” “That’s ok”, interrupted a deacon “there’s a calendar behind you”

  42. Billy Graham and the Pope both die on the same day and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. An angel steps forward and says to them, “Welcome Gentlemen. We’re getting your apartments ready for you and in the meantime I have some forms for you to fill out.” While Graham and the Pope are completing their paperwork, St. Peter and a band of angels rush by carrying a man on their shoulders and crying, “Special arrival! We’re taking him straight to his mansion!” Graham and the Pope are both curious and ask the angel who the man was. The angel says, “He was an I.R.S. auditor for thirty years.” The Pope says, “I’m glad he made it into Heaven but what did he do that was so special?” The angel said, “Just by doing his job, he scared the hell out of more people than the two of you combined.”

      1. It’s a joke that travels well. You can substitute any two religious figures and any profession or activity that brings terror or discomfort.

  43. There was a small town in TN. It only had two churches in town: a Christian Church and an old-fashioned, Independent Baptist Church.
    First Christian was meeting in a storefront and growing like crazy. In fact they outgrew their facilities.
    They decided to approach the Baptists to see if they could rent their building on days they weren’t using it.
    The pastor turned them down. He said “it would upset all the Baptists if they started seeing Christians on the property “.

  44. “There are three ways to get the word out all over: telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman.”

  46. A minister friend tells vthis story against himself. He visited Madame Taussauds, the famous waxworks museum. He lingered for a long time in the horror section, and was approached by one of the attendants. “Please keep moving, Sir, we’re stock-taking”

  47. For our KJVO friends. A maneth and a dog walketh into a bar. The bartend’r says, “We don’t alloweth dogs in hither. ” The maneth says “this is nay ‘rdinary dog. he can talketh. ” The bartend’r says, “What doeth thou cullionly he can talketh?” The maneth says “I’ll showeth thou. Rov’r, telleth me what is that thing call’d on top of a house?” The dog says ,”Roof!” The maneth then says, “Rov’r, how dost sandpap’r feeleth?” The dog says “Ruff!” The maneth then says, “Rov’r, who was the greatest baseball play’r of all timeth?” The dog says “Rooth”. At this, the bartend’r snaps, “That’s enough! The dog can’t talketh, he’s just making diff’rent barking noises. Geteth out ‘ere i throweth thou out!” Dejectedly, the maneth and the dog leaveth the bar. The dog looks at the maneth and says, “When thou ask’d me about the greatest baseball play’r of all timeth, haply i shouldst hast said Joe DiMaggio. “

  48. Not really a joke but me and my friends at Jonestown would always start the song “Angels we have heard on High” with “Angels we have heard are high, sweetly stumbling o’er the plain”, Still do it to this day.

  49. At Fundy U we used to sing

    “I was sinking deep in sin
    Having a wonderful time
    Then my roommate turned me in
    Now he’s no friend of mine”

    There’s more but that’s all I can remember.

    1. “They’re shipping me,
      They’re shipping me,
      For nothing I could help,
      They’re shipping me.”

    2. When I was in Fundy school (Jr. High, late 70’s), an older student told me if you open the hymn book and say the title of any hymn, followed by “under the covers”, it sounds really funny. She went to BJU after graduation from FundyHigh. I went on not able to forget this and feeling guilty about thinking it.
      I’ve thought of two more that use KJV verses (double points?).
      MOG talking about a “dead” church: “Many are cold but few are frozen”. And about the nursery: “We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.”

      1. Hmm… Maybe preachers and politicians have something in common. They are like diapers and should be changed frequently for the same reason.

  50. Pastor: The reason why I don’t run (or exercise) anymore is because the Bible says “He that hasteth with his feet sinneth.” Haymen!?

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