254 thoughts on “S.M.I.T.E.”

    1. I feel so honored to be the first comment. All of my hard work and dedication has paid off. Getting the top comment has been a dream of mine for many years, and i would like to thank those who have helped me along the way. First and foremost i would like to thank god for giving me this opportunity. Next i would like to thank my parents. I want to thank my friend Josh Arcaro, for being really skinny and always there for me. I would also like to thank my pet tadpole for surviving against all odds for over a week. Next i would like to thank the squirrel that lives in my backyard for climbing trees because that gives me inspiration that i need to get through the day. This is a special moment in my life and i would like to thank any of my unmentioned friends and family that have helped me along the way. This moment will be a moment that i will never forget. I just remembered a few other people i would like to thank; facebook, the fish i caught in the third grade, my light in my room bc i wouldn’t be able to see the keyboard without it, the internet for letting me go on facebook, my house because without it i would be homeless, and last but not least i would like to thank all the people out there that actually took time out of their day to read this. I cannot stress how much of a big deal to me this is. I have been trying to be the first comment on a post for years, but that has not been possible until this amazing day. Hopefully my good luck will continue, but this is undoubtedly a rare occasion. If you asked me how i did this, i would say, you can achieve anything u set your mind on. To all the kids out there reading this, i would like to tell them to follow their dreams. Being the top comment is amazing, thank you everyone

      3. Congratulations, and it should be duly noted that it was not just any post that you were the first commenter on, it was SFL!

  4. Dang — I might have gotten first if I hadn’t pulled onto the shoulder to read the hovertexts. Dar-El, you must have had a field day with those!

  6. From their website:

    Upcoming Events: There are no events.

    Keep it that way.

    1. If anyone wants to see the website, you need to use Google cache versions since most pages seem to be removed at this time.

      Are they avoiding a few days of mockery by pulling back their pages?

      1. I retract that, seems to be working again. Was getting wordpress login pages for all but the application.

        1. I still get wordpress login request on their page. Is there a link that works, or word press issue, or they are possible pulling site down? I doubt they are saavy enough to know anyone is even checking them out, let alone how to pull it down? I don’t really want to see their site badly enough to create a wordpress account.

        3. Hmmm. I’m thinking bandwidth overload when it’s asking for wordpress login, cause I can get there now. I suspect when they are over their bandwidth it goes to wordpress instead of their site.

    3. It’s you when you’ve floated halfway across the lake.

        1. Let’s hope so. It’s a lot harder to breathe when floating face-down.

  8. So maybe the 4-year olds are the workers’ kids??

    No “fraternizing” lol.

    1. I remember a certain faun getting arrested for – among other things – fraternizing with humans. Some people just won’t stand for that sort of thing.

  9. I think the guy who wrote “Dress Check” had a good time writing it

  10. “What to bring: A good attitude…”

    Translation: We’re gonna be assholes to you all day long, and you’re gonna like it!

      1. And pay to feed yourself, even with meals nominally included.

        It’s a bad sign when a camp application says you WILL be snacking at their prices between meals so bring money instead of stating snacks are available for sale so please bring pocket money. They aren’t planning on anyone living off the provided meals, and I’m guessing any teenager who gives love offerings and ends up hungry gets blamed for lack of foresight (And probably the corollary as well, that teenagers who plan ahead and then claim a particular love offering is out-of-budget get the ‘give until it hurts’ lecture).

  11. Is this Poe? This has got to be Poe. It must be Poe. Please, someone, can this be anything other than Poe? Can it?

    It’s not Poe, is it?

    1. And even though it’s ‘for women’, the dreaded Your Genes May Be Immodest standard appears to be in force.

      I know ladies who wouldn’t have been able to pass that check of how smooth cloth is between chest and tummy after about age 12 without strapping padding in the middle no matter what they wore.

      Because God ‘blessed’ them heavily and early and how dare they ever graduate from training bras because the standards of purity and goodness are that a woman shalt not achieve above a small B-cup until she is a married mother and actually needs to breastfeed and preferably not even then.

      1. Obviously if you dress so that nobody can tell that you have boobs, no teenage boy will know that they’re there. And then lust won’t be a thing.

  14. Whoa, Child Evangelism Fellowship. My sister & cousins attended some of their saner camps (not SMITE, in other words) – I never realized they sponsored this atrocity. But I *knew* I’d seen that modesty diagram somewhere!

    Incidentally, it is nearly impossible to find sleeveless shirts which actually fit like the diagram shows. All sleeveless shirts gap a little bit; that’s just the way the female body is made. It’s not made for shirts to be literally glued around the arm.

    1. That whole “side view” deal is way more determined by the undergarments that a girl wears than the cut of the garment. So old lady bras for all it must be.

      1. I’m not sure I could get that line with an ‘old lady bra’. Maybe with one of Grandma’s girdles.

        NOW, the ‘these straps show way too easily’ bras I’ve got that are a blend between a sports bra and a standard one, complete with foam cups, might work. Except the effect is mostly because they bind slightly and not because they’re ‘modest’ in any sense of the word.

        (Hey, IFB churches: if actually achieving your modesty standards safely would require a significant portion of your women to get binding advice from trans men who know all about the dangers of cutting off circulation or pressure on the ribcage, YOU ARE REALLY DOING SOMETHING WRONG.)

    2. I am really surprised this is a CEF camp too! I’ve never heard of S.M.I.T.E but I did go to a CEF camp as a counselor all through the summers of my PCC college years and had a completely different experience. It was the first time I listened to CCM, liked even though I knew it was sinful, and it was the first time I rubbed elbows with others who claimed to be Christians yet didn’t go to IFB churches or use the KJV. Rocked my world and started me on the path out of the cult.

        3. Babies like boobs. To fundies, babies pretty much come into the world possessed, so I guess their opinion can’t be trusted.

        6. I like side, front, top, bottom, left, and right boobs.
          That’s not to say I don’t like all the other parts of the body, too.

          Anyhow, why cover up all that perfectly good skin?

    4. That is what glue is for, or double faced tape. That is a helpful hint an older “sister” gave me when she noticed that due to some endowment, my attempts at modesty were frustrated. Double face tape holds your clothing to your body, dear. Clean the area first with rubbing alcohol so the tape sticks better. Yeah, NO.

      1. No, indeed. When it’s time to take the garment off– ouch.

  15. I still can’t believe there’s really a church outfit called S.M.I.T.E. Camp.

    I mean, I trust the people who say it’s a real thing, but c’mon. How could it possibly be named that?

    1. It’s a Biblical name, because God will smite those dirty rotten people who dress immodestly!

      I would have thought someone with a doctorate would know that.

      1. Yeah that’s the thing– what kind of advertisement is “Come to the camp where we will smite you”?

    2. Summer Missionary Institute for Training and Evangelism…….my wife went for several years

  16. “S.M.I.T.E. stands against all forms of rock, country western, contemporary, and so called honky tonk bar room gospel.”

    I guess Crunk is OK, then.

  17. At least they do background checks — maybe one province of Fundystan is actually concerned about child molesters.

    1. They need your social security number. Your drivers license and date of birth. Everything they need to steal your identity.

    2. Only the ones already identified. They wind up promoting child molestation in private by bestowing godlike authority on their “ministers.” Those who don’t obey are kicked out, right? So you do what you have to do. You endure what you have to endure. And you go and do likewise.

      If a “minister” molests you, and you become a minister, you may molest others. It is a demonstration of power and importance.

      So I wouldn’t take too much stock in their “background checks.” They probably spend more time combing your Facebook pages for doctrinal impurity than they do anything else.

      And yes, they know who you are. You’d better tithe.

      1. If they are insurance-mandated, and I don’t know a reputable insurance company that wouldn’t require them, they would need to be background checks with the local law enforcement agency. Whether or not S.M.I.T.E chooses to abide by them in terms of who they allow on the premises would be another issue.

        As reassuring as background checks sounds, it may only let you know that someone hasn’t been caught or that the employment/volunteer agency is covering the fact that they don’t comply very well. In my part of California, one multi-million dollar lawsuit was just settled with a district where the principal did not act on parent complaints regarding possible sexual abuse going back two years. The teacher involved, who is spending the rest of his life in prison, had passed all background checks. The other case involves a science camp run by the county office of education. They did a perfunctory check on an employee, but not a full check. The employee is now in jail waiting for his trial on child abuse charges, and the COE is facing huge legal issues. One child for sure has been abused, but there are probably more.

        It’s rather like having the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. You still need to be careful and follow your gut in terms of whether or not a setting is safe for a minor.

  18. What is honky tonk bar room gospel? I must have missed something in my music education.

    1. I was wondering the same thing. How many younger people will know what a honky tonk is anyways

        2. I’m not sure what Juicy Wiggle has to do with honky tonks, but anyway, getting a root canal job with no anesthesia must be more fun than S.M.I.T.E. Camp.

        3. Hell fire.

          I’d rather swim through a river of snot than go to SMITE camp.

          I’d rather be a skin diver for Roto-Rooter.

    2. Honky Tonk gospel piano playing is also sometimes called saloon style piano playing. It’s how I play sometimes, when I’m not playing rock power ballad style. Piano with a backbeat and chords that are rolled front and back. Floyd Cramer comes to mind – aka the Nashville style. Some southern gospel quartets that still have pianists have this style.

  20. What really humours me is looking at the length of the men’s dress code, which is ridiculous enough, and then looking at the women’s dress code. I weep for the fact that they fail to see the legalism they live by…

    1. They’re just protecting the men-folk from unnecessary temptation. You certainly know that you lady-folk have a way with us men-folk that we simply cannot control or resist. We are helpless without the help of fine organizations like S.M.I.T.E.

      Without S.M.I.T.E. I would be S.M.I.T.T.E.N. with uncontrollable lust, whereas you wimmens don’t have such a problem, hence the lack of a dress code for us Neanderthals who, by the way, pose no lustful threat to the delicate and weaker sex.

      B.R.1

  21. I love how much room they leave for their role as as the holy spirit. They are basically saying: don’t do this or this and if we think that anything else you do is bad, we will tell you to stop doing that too.

    1. So there is no point in me taping that to my mirror to compare myself to every morning when I dress?

  23. I’ll give them this, at least they are up front and honest about the rules. If you choose to go there, you can’t say you didn’t know what was coming.

    B.R.1

    1. Never mind the unwritten rules that apply when you get there (surely there must be some), a là any Fundy U you can think of.

    2. Years from now, when some of them begin to step outside the compound, they may indeed say they didn’t know what they were walking into. It’s one thing to read and to see, quite another to understand.

  24. 1. I’m shocked, and relieved, they do background checks.
    2. The descriptive language used for the women’s modesty requirements in conjunction with the drawings may just be a bit too rated R for fundy, male eyes. Poor things.
    3. Who would send their 4 year old to this camp?!

    1. I’m HOPING dearly that the youngest ages are basically ‘you can still be involved if you have a child, bring them and we’ll have age-appropriate activities while you are helping elsewhere/with their age group’.

      I know the secular summer camp I went to broke the lower age limits numerous times for a few long-term repeat counselors who had kids, including a case where someone’s First Night At Camp was in utero.

      1. When did Fundies EVER have age-appropriate activities for young children, or, for that matter, for anyone?

        They’ll be pressuring those four-year-olds to come forward at the altar call and “get saved.”

        1. When would a fundie camp accept adults as helpers or teachers in a camp who DIDN’T believe that was ‘age-appropriate’ activities?

          I mean, there’s still clearly a steady progression of lessons over time, since they’ve got marked age groups and even ‘Levels’ for the teenagers. I’m pretty sure the modesty policing lecture for the littlest girls doesn’t feature Now Don’t Be Bathsheba On Her Roof but the oldest group of teen girls taking a class instead of helping out otherwise probably do get a speech that mentions her.

  25. Is it just me, or does that application look like they expect the elementary schoolers to write out the story of their salvation experience? Because I’m pretty sure I hadn’t actually had mine yet when I was a five-year-old in a family full of Baptists… and they are clearly accepting four-year-olds as students.

    1. They fully expect 4 year olds to be saved by choice – our pastor used to say over and over again that he was saved at age 4…

    2. I notice they only give a very small space for the story of your salvation. They clearly don’t want the details.

      1. They also say you ‘can’ attach another page. Which could mean they EXPECT another page, at least from the adults, and are too cheap to provide it themselves.

    1. You are not alone pw.

      And what is a “cool dude hairstyle”? I would think the “Hot!” preaching would automatically warm up those cool dudes anyway.

      This all thing is insane. All of it.

    2. The only thing I can imagine that to mean (weed eater haircut) is long & shaggy & thick that you’d need a weed eater to cut it. Very odd description, and uninformative for anyone that wants to comply, but they can use something that vague to punish anyone they whimsically dislike.

      1. Ah, that at least makes a little bit of sense.

        When I first read it, I was thinking they meant something like a pot-head look. Which didn’t make sense either, and made me think fundies really have no idea what you’re supposed to do with weed, do they?

        But alas, it was me who was confused. And no, I haven’t been partaking of any weed. Orally or otherwise.

    3. Yes I love how Fundies tend to use ages old terminology to describe things you should and shouldn’t wear. It was always humorous to me to be told I couldn’t wear something that hasn’t been popular since my parents were teenagers. When I was in high school in the 90’s, I remember reading a rule list forbidding bell bottom jeans on men. Which hadn’t been popular since the 70’s!

      1. They’re associated with those rebellious hippies, just like facial hair. Because culture never changes or anything.

  28. As I read this I thought “they appear to be doing extensive background checks, at least there is an attempt to protect the kids” but then I came to my senses and had another thought:

    While the kids may not be sexually abused while there the mental and, most likely, physical abuse will be incredibly harsh. The rules that must be agreed to, while maintaining a positive and accepting attitude, typical passive agressive behavior of the IFB. Sadly, at one point, I probably would have been proud if my child, especially my son, would have wanted to go to this.

    1. It’s also, as with most background checks, only going to catch the already caught.

      If Josh Duggar filled this out tomorrow, he could very well past inspection. No arrest, no conviction, and the one damaging court document that might take harm his chances has been ordered destroyed to protect his youngest known victim. His name is all over the place as a potential danger to children by secular standard, but he could still probably pass the background check if the camp leaders buy the line that he truly repented and there was no unreported abuse after the last documented by the court.

      And he’s just someone who’s been caught. Add in the fundamentalist tendency to not report abuse by those who appear to have high moral character otherwise, and there’s really no guarantee.

      And honestly, ‘every day an adult will force you to lean over and try to look up your shirt to see your breasts’ qualifies as abuse at any age but especially at the ages that policy of Dress Check is aimed at. Oh and you can’t modify your outfit once you’ve passed, so adding a sweater to an outfit that already checked is apparently out. Wonder what the policy looks like when applied to raincoats?

    2. Even if they succeed in weeding out the “bad apples” such as convicted felons, everyone in that camp will be subjected to daily psychological abuse as part of the normal protocol of the camp. They just call it something other than “abuse.”

  29. Matthew 18:6 (NRSV) “If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea.”

    This verse always pops into my head when reading about crap like this. Fundies have a trail of wrecked young-people to account for.

    1. The thing is, Fundies might cite the same verse, but they think the “stumbling blocks” are things like wearing the wrong clothes or watching secular movies– not all the crazy Fundy doublethink that messes with your mind for the rest of your life.

  32. Sit down… Now stand… Reach for something high on that shelf… Higher… Bend over…. Get in your knees! No, sorry Sally, you’re a prostitute. Next!

  33. Sometimes I feel like I am reading something of the distant past, but then I realize that there are still people like this in the world…

    2 things I shook my head at:
    Reference on application – “One MUST be your pastor”
    On the Record’s Information – “If you can not be in attendance all week,… it will affect the position in which we can best USE you” (emphasis mine)

    1. Yep. I was rather surprised to see Facebook mentioned on a document that otherwise seemed to come straight from the 70’s or earlier.

  34. Guys let’s be honest. The Very Immodest drawing in the Modesty Visual for the ladies is so hot. Show of hands, who thinks it’s sexy? Oh wait, I see your hands are busy. Never mind.

    1. Do not lust over this drawing! This drawing belongs to God, and it will be somebody’s wife someday. You’re lusting over somebody’s future wife!

      1. Dear Dr. KeepOn (PhD):

        At least we know that no IFB pastor ever lusted over somebody’s present wife …

        Christian Socialist

        2. Well, if anybody else has ever been alone with that drawing, it’s damaged goods.

    2. I was going to raise my hand earlier, but I was a little busy with it at the time as you know.

  35. Way back in 1960 (Yes, I’m that old!) I attended a CEF training session in Connecticut. I needed to arrive a week early before my job at a Baptist-run camp. I was just out of high school.

    This was really my first exposure to funny-mentalism. Three things struck my young mind:

    1. The participants’ cars were the junkiest, most derelict vehicles I had ever seen. The parking area really looked like a junkyard.

    2. Long prayers at each meal and then when food was passed around, no one would take the first helping. Sometimes platters were passed around three times before someone took a helping and then apologized for that. (I am not making this up.)

    3. The instruction included how to hang around elementary school playgrounds and entice children to play with vari-colored squares, representing the way to salvation. I thought, “How is this any different from a sexual predator?”

    1. Dear Jay Croft:

      ‘Long prayers at each meal and then when food was passed around, no one would take the first helping…’

      Who wants to be the guinea pig to poison test THAT swill? LOL!

      Christian Socialist

      1. Yeah. It was a long time ago, but I remember that the food was, ahem, nothing to write home about.

        In the Episcopal Diocese of Alabama, Camp McDowell is well-regarded for excellent meals. After all, the bishop sometimes visits and eats there! Camp McDowell often hands out bumper stickers, “I’d rather be at Camp McDowell.” Spot such a bumper sticker on another car, it’s a pretty sure bet that an Episcopalian is driving the vehicle.

        One year the diocese had its annual convention at a large Baptist camp near Talladega. That camp has a huge chapel (of course!) and decent hotel facilities. The food was standard-issue Baptist fare–canned vegetables, mystery meat, etc.

        The director of Camp McDowell got a big roar when he stepped to the podium and pinned a “I’d rather be at Camp McDowell” bumper sticker on the front of the podium!

  36. “Camp”. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    1. First day of school…

      “So what did you do this summer? Did you have fun?”

      Kid whimpers.

      1. Gee this sounds like lots of fun! Where do I sign up my teenagers for this prison camp? Actually, I think prison probably has less restrictive rules.

        1. In prison, you can at least be proud about holding out on snitching. That’s something worth bragging about to friends at school!

  37. I never considered the necklaces I picked up in Jamaica or Hawaii to be effeminate, but according to SMITE, all necklaces on men are. Does that include my son’s dog-tags? He wears them quite regularly.

    1. My husband was told his college ring looked like it might be a mason’s ring and he shouldn’t wear it.

        1. You mean that big rubber gasket on the Mason jar? Odd piece of jewelry, but hey, NMT.

      1. That was the first thing that came to my mind as I read through the website.
        I wish I could say I was never there, but I was way too compliant for far too long. Or is it far too compliant for way too long?

  40. I believe S.M.I.T.E. camp needs to be smote immediately before anyone else gets hurt.

  41. So one of the verses they were to memorize ahead of time is 2Peter 3:18 – “But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ…”

    I guess the ‘campers’ needed to learn it ahead of time because they certainly weren’t going to experience it at camp

  42. Good news ladies! You can wear your t shirts backwards to help prevent anyone from ever possibly getting a glimpse of anything remotely resembling cleavage! Helpful hint!

  44. “Make sure there are no peek holes”. — How’s this for an idea: don’t peek. That’s probably the only G-rated thing I can say to that.

    “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?” Followed by “Have you ever been convicted of child abuse?” — Last I checked, child abuse is a crime. I suppose some people might not know that, but probably not many.

    “If you have a FACEBOOK (sic) account, what is your email address?” — You already asked for my email. Also, you realize that you’d need the password to log in, right? Also, people have been known to have multiple accounts, so there’s that.

    1. I’m surprised they didn’t ask for the password. I assume they’re going to search for people on FB by email. But if you have your privacy settings strict enough you can’t be found by searches. If they do find people, are they going to force them to accept a friend request so they can go looking for dirt?

      1. If I were a teenager, I’d have multiple FB accounts so that I could pass social media check. I’d have all kinds of fundy memes and posts on one and on the other have all my heathinz friends.

      1. Dear BJg,

        Tell me something I don’t know.

        Sincerely,
        The Immodest, Inciting LS

  46. Wow. I remember going to Milldale in high school for summer camp. It wasn’t anywhere near this restrictive. It was actually fun
    They probably changed associations since then. Craziness.

    Oh and armpits? Are women really tempting men with their armpits!?!?!?!

      1. Just watch me.
        No, wait … that would be weird.
        Just take my word for it, OK?

    4. Because having a flashlight might tempt you to sneak out after everyone else in your cabin is asleep so you can “fraternize” with someone secretly.

  48. Yep. The modesty drawings do not take into account the fact that some women will look “immodest” in anything unless they bind the breasts or put a pillow underneath them along with wearing a tent like shirt.

    1. Dear Beth D:

      I knew that girl. I think that she made the faculty of one ‘Christian’ school come unglued. Somehow, I had the impression that some regulations were specific to that girl …

      Christian Socialist

  49. Looks like Tim Ruhl will be preaching at this “camp”. I thought I recognized the name so I did a little research.

    His son, Jesse, got in trouble with the law for having a “relationship” with a young girl he was giving music lessons too.

    David Jorgensen was working for him when he had an inappropriate relationship with a young girl in his school. Tim fired David but did not inform the police. Tim also kicked the girl out of school 6 months before graduation and told people she was having a child out of wedlock.

      1. Eh, it wouldn’t be the first HBO special to have very few viewers.

    2. I thought Larry Brown was the poor man’s Larry Brown.

      To be less funny than Larry Brown or Tony Hutson is to attain the near-impossible. The guy deserves some kind of fame just for being so superlative. We should honor him along with Willian McGonagall, poet and tragedian of Dundee.

      http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/

    3. He is not a comedian — quite the opposite in fact. His schtick is to be the overly sincere, emotionally “bare” (as in, “opening his heart” — he had a very rough childhood), but still manly-man prophet type.

    5. “But officer, he doesn’t need to go to jail! He said he was sorry to Jesus. Isn’t that enough?”

  50. The banner for this site is so incredibly creepy … Three innocent children seated on a park bench right next to the words “S.M.I.T.E. Camp”.

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