184 thoughts on “Tools”

    1. They say “flip” all the time. Or “rip”. They don’t give a flip about it. UGH! I despise that being said from the pulpit!

      1. Oh, if only they would say THAT word (we all know what it is) instead of “flip” or “freak”! Wonder if there would ever be some way to trigger a Man O’gid’s mental guard in order to do. 😈

        For the record, I use “flip” and “freak” all the time, they are useful.

        1. I use freaking all the time. But I don’t get to preach….I am a female. But I could sure teach them a thing or two.

      1. Can’t hear you so well with the deafening sound of your implosion at Ole Miss still ringing out loud… BTW, Lane Kiffin?…Seriously?

  3. 4, 6, and 7 are tools I believe a preacher of any age should use. 1 and 2 are complete garbage as they relate to the effectiveness of a preacher. 3 is good advice for any human. 5 is wonderful advice as long as #5 exudes #4 and #6.

    #8 is just one man brown-nosing his idol, it can go in the garbage with 1 and 2.

  4. Muzzles are definitely needed. For the preachers!

    More time should be spent reading Scripture without comment than is spent on preaching. Priorities matter.

  5. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I don’t see any mention of that thing we base our entire religion on. You know that obscure book that some people seem to think is important? I think it’s name starts with a “B.”

      1. No, but in the 21st century everything we know about it comes the B. Awkward wording perhaps.

  7. Hamblin obviously never tried to polish a pair of Wallabees.

    Oh, yeah. Only a bearded, wire rimmed wearing liberal would dare to preach in a pair.
    Never mind.

  8. I don’t have anything nice to say about these two. The self-righteousness, haughty spirits are too much for me. I may come back after I calm down.
    If you ever YouTube John MacArthur’s Strange Fire Conference, and look up Conrad Mbewe’s “Are We Preachers or Witch Doctors?”, He gives a perfect description of these antichrists.

    (I am using that properly, see 1 John.)

  9. About an hour ago, the good “Dr.” added another list of seven that really has nothing to do with serving God, common sense, or logic.

    7 NON “peripheral” truths 1# Doctrine 2# Separation 3# Music 4# Power of God #5 Witnessing 6# Intensity in preaching 7# Regard for heroes.

        2. I have to. I am a firm believer that no pun be left behind. Even if non-punsters see it as punishment.
          A good oun is it’s own reword.

    2. #7Regardforheroes

      Acts 5:29 we ought to obey God than men.

      Most of the guys Hamblin would call heroes are not even worth regarding.

    3. I used to regard Batman, but we will see how Aflek holds the torch. I used to regard Superman, until Snyder had him kill. SUPERMAN DOESN’T KILL.

      To be honest, I regard Heath Ledger’s Joker. He was trueto his character to the very end. Really, he had more integrity than the heroes, so…

    2. Or faith, or patience, or compassion, or empathy, or generosity of spirit, or hospitality, or good manners.

      1. Pastor #1 has a razor, shoe polish, thank-you notes, a teachable spirit, a mentor, patience, a backbone, and a muzzle.

        Pastor #2 has the Bible, faith, patience, compassion, empathy, generosity of spirit, hospitality, good manners, and love of God and others.

        Which pastor do you want?

        If you chose Pastor #2, you’re probably an ex-fundy.

        (OK, huge generalization in that last sentence and I don’t usually like doing that, but I’m trying to make a point because the contrast is jaw-dropping.)

  12. Darrell, you seem to be finding a way to still post – what did you figure out for internet? Did you dig out your old 56k modem? 😀

  15. For MOGs who claim a special place among men with their titles and pontifications, they sure are quick to forget the words of the one to whom they pay occassional lip-service:

    Matthew 20:25-28

    But Jesus called them to Himself, and said,

    “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not so among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

  16. #7 is what you say you have when you’re being an asshole in front of a crowd. It’s a great way to feel good about it, plus any insecure listener will be forced to agree with you lest they be considered lacking in backbone.

    1. Yes. Alligators and lizards have backbones. The most predatory of creatures on earth have backbones. Snakes are almost all backbone!

      Hmmm. I wonder. Is there a backbone-to-length quotient for animals? We could then ask pastors what percent of their
      “character” they would want to be signified by “backbone.”

      2. A backbone can turn someone into a stubborn, cold-hearted tyrant if the person is not also filled with love and compassion. And wisdom too, to know which hills are worth dying on.

      1. And if you were in a meeting in Norway with the leadership team, and you fell asleep in the board meeting and consequently fell from your chair and accidentally stabbed yourself with a pen, I guess you could say…

        You were bored and got gored while on the Board of the Sword of The Lord at the fjord.

        …I’ll show myself out.

        4. One might also imagine this additional scenario: After putting a hole in your best suit pants as well as your leg you visit a Norwegian hospital and find out you’re going to need additional treatment and medication when you get back to the States. After leaving the hospital, you stop to get some lunch and follow that up with a piece of pumpkin pie. Since, with the exception of a couple of old guys, you think of the other board members collectively as being an angry mob, you feel you most likely didn’t miss anything. While you are still eating, the astonishing news arrives that the board has unanimously selected the keynote speaker for the next conference. Perhaps it could then be said–
          You were bored and then gored near a Norwegian fjord (and the cost of your wound you could barely afford) then while eating dessert that was made from a gourd, a message arrived that left you just floored: peace was restored to the board of “The Sword” when two elderly preachers with passion implored– and the hoard of the board of The Sword of the Lord …were in one accord.

          Don’t close the door behind you. I’ll follow you out.

    3. In Dungeons and Dragons, fighting with a sword and shield is refered to as “Sword and Board style”.

  20. *Dr* Hamblin and “Dr” Mendez:
    Re: #2 Shoe Polish

    You can’t shine a turd. Remember that when you look into a mirror.

    BJg

      4. One of my teachers, trying to impress us with the fact that rewriting is more than just “polishing” a piece of writing, used to say, “You can polish shit, but all you’ll get is shiny shit.”

        1. It’s a cop saying. If one of our officers screws up, be honest & forthright. As an administrator, I say, “You can’t shine shit ’cause shit don’t shine.”

  21. I would make a poor preacher.
    I shave once a week whether I need to or not. I do not own shoes that can be polished.
    I can be taught but it depends on what and who is doing the teaching.
    I own one suit and it is for funerals and weddings, if absolutely necessary.

    1. I shaved twice this week, which is very unusual. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to look somewhat presentable today. I’m picking up my daughter for lunch at her downtown San Francisco office.

      Usually it’s shave once a week for me, also. Occasionally I’ll shine my boots, but not often. My horseshoe mustache isn’t very Fundy, but then neither was the beard it replaced.
      When I wear a necktie, though, it is a tight Windsor, which I’m sure is approved. I wonder, are my bowties are Fundy approved?

    2. I shave my upper lip and neck, but use clippers on my cheeks (face cheeks, ahem). I have several very fine suits that I wear as frequently as possible (not very) with my tailored shirts (always tailor your dress shirts) and polished shoes. Why? Because I look sharp in a suit, and I like looking sharp.

      But since I work in a manufacturing plant, I am usually wearing Wrangler Riggs, Redwings, and a protective shirt over a plain undershirt. And my boots are usually covered with sluice and dross, so clean: yes, polish: not really possible.

      And at home, I usually wear jeans and a long-sleeved T or undershirt with bare feet. Because Kentucky.

      Interestingly, I only wear shorts to play sports or go to the gym. Don’t know why, I just like pants.

    3. I’d make a lousy preacher too. I don’t shave at all in the winter.
      But I do have a teachable spirit, and I shine my shoes.
      But I’m a woman. Would that disqualify me if I have all the other things right?

        1. Dang! No husband.
          Does that mean I have to let my son teach me at home? We’d end up with some strange doctrine that way!

  22. Teachable spirit, eh? Beyond being proficient in the Baptist Party Line, I’ve not encounteted very many preachers capable of learning at all. Their inability to interact with mere mortals has resulted also in the inability to interact with God.

    2. Their inability to interact with mere mortals has resulted also in the inability to interact with God, which is probably why they are so bitter and angry with everyone, including his own “good, solid core group of people.”

      It’s true that if you don’t toe the partly line then it’s high time you left so as not to “cause discord among the brethren” and shake the foundation of the “good, solid core grouup of people” in their unwavering faith in their MOG.

      God help us.

      B.R.O.

    4. They did their learning while getting their terribly difficult and challenging doctorates. You’d think people should notice their prefixes, but I don’t they show them off enough.

  23. One more thought…the reference to backbone is intriguing. Since most pulpit Baps are very bold in the compliant, safe, agreeable venue of their church, where no dissenting views are present, and no moths corrupt their authority, it’s easy to wail and rail with volume and forceful utterance. But how bold would they be in a real fight in the real world? If the righteous are bold as a lion ONLY in the safe confines of church, are they really bold at all? It’s either real or a big show. Methinks the latter.

  24. The further removed I am from these people the more I forget how narcissistic these people are. Posts like this quickly remind me. It is a wonder how these idiots live with themselves and even more that others follow them.

  25. OK, I’ll give “Dr.” Hamblin #’s 3 and 6, and possibly 7. Thank you notes are a nice touch, and patience is absolutely necessary in dealing with people. A reasonable amount of backbone is a good thing, since ministers should not be swayed by every fad that comes down the pike; but too much becomes stubbornness and unwillingness to learn.

    Other than that?
    #1 The only razor a good preacher really needs is the one wielded by William of Ockham. Beards are just hair.

    #2 Better you should get your shoes scuffed by being out doing something useful for other people. Still, shoe polish before church is not a bad thing, if you wear those kinds of shoes.

    #4 Whether or not “a teachable spirit” is good depends on who is doing the teaching.

    #5 Depends on who the mentor is. See #4.

    That’s what I think about good things for young preachers, but I am a mere woman, so “Dr.” Hamblin and his buddies wouldn’t be listening to me anyway.

    2. The problem is the subtext. Let me interpret for you:
      #1 We say to shave, so shave. Outward appearance and conformity is essential to being accepted into our clique.
      #2 You must look like a corporate lawyer to be part of our in-group.
      #3 When we give you the chance to preach etc., be sure to demonstrate fawning gratitude.
      #4 What we say goes, idiot.
      #5 And to make sure, you will be shadowed 24-7
      #6 You don’t get to preach or do anything that might detract or distract from the MOg’s blazing star; so be content scrubbing toilets until I say so.
      #7 A large portion of being a “preacher” is being a blowhard. Practice.

      1. Getting in practice at looking like a corporate lawyer might come in handy when you are inevitably dragged before a judge because you (or your buddy that you covered up for) have been caught embezzling or criminally abusing people.

  26. I actually saw Mr Hamblin’s tweet before it was posted by Darrell — one of the Twitter people “favorited” it (I do NOT follow John Hamblin).

    I thought it was a pretty stupid list.

    #1 – A razor? Really? as number 1? Not the Bible? And how is a razor a “tool for preachers”? I ain’t a preacher, but I use a razor nearly every day. This is just something for personal grooming — like a comb, a brush, deodorant. How is this a “preacher’s tool”? Maybe in his small little world, preacher should not have facial hair… but what about Spurgeon? For that matter, what about our great Example, Jesus Christ? This is just a stupid entry.

    #2 Shoe polish? As Perry Mason once observed, “He spends a lot of time on the presentation/packaging because he knows that the inside contents are rotten.” I would think commentaries on the Scripture would be a good tool for preachers. I’m not opposed to making a good presentation, but I don’t think I’ve every looked at my pastor’s shoes, and decided not to listen to him because they weren’t polished yesterday. Another weird item to be #2 on the list… and again, what makes this unique to preachers?

    #3 Thank-you notes. Well, I guess… wait, do you mean thank you notes written TO you, or thank you notes written BY you? It is a Bible command to be thankful. It would be interesting to see the people who are the addressees of Mr Hamblin’s last 30 thank-you notes. Not really sure if this is “tool” or not.

    #4 (a teachable spirit). Would this be on Mr Hamblin’s part, or his hearers? Note that the commendable kind of spirit is the one that the Bereans had – they listened, and then checked out what the preacher said against the Scriptures. Would Mr Hamblin like us to so check his, uh, “preaching”? (probably not). Some people call a “teachable spirit” one in which the hearers swallow everything that the speaker says. (and again, this is a “tool”?)

    #5 (a mentor). What?!?! We’ve just gone to whack-o mode again. Why does a preacher need a “mentor”? And this is a “tool”? How about a basic understanding of Greek and Hebrew? We have all had teachers; however, I thank God for the ones who influenced me for good, but I don’t go back to them – I use the people that God has around me NOW; I don’t designate one guy as my “mentor” for ever.

    #6 Patience. Once again, needed for all Christians, not just pastors. Pastors may need more patience because of the people they deal with, but still not really a “tool”.

    #7 Backbone. Again, really? How is that a “tool”? Yes, preachers (and Christians) need backbone.

    2. Since this salient list is for young preachers it is null and void for older preachers. Also, my experience has shown that preachers as a group are not likely to thank their servile Baptist bovines anyway. Why be thankful when they are entitled to the blessed largesse from the flock to begin with? The sense of entitlement in the ministry reeks of the deeds and doctrines of the Nocolaitans ref. Revelation 2 vs. 6 and 15.

    3. Dear Guilt Ridden:

      Simply excellent! Thank-you!

      I’d declare for competence in human learning in the form of some recognized undergraduate degree as a precondition to entering theological seminary. This could be waved in where mid-life or older candidates are involved.

      Next, we add courses on hermeneutics [including apocalyptic literature] and world history and homiletics.

      Christian Socialist

  27. I don’t know if anyone read the full thread of responses on the honorable Dr. Hamblin’s Twitter page, but I found Guy Beaumont’s reply to Chris Kitchen, who rightly questioned the tweet, rather revealing, “You’re an idiot.” Perhaps this is tongue-in-cheek as well, but I don’t know if Guy is smart enough to figure out how to speak that way. His cranial-rectal inversion must make it hard for him to think straight and actually demonstrate love and grace like Jesus.

    1. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. Some of these pastors are so quick to denigrate others that I agree with you: they show little if any grace or love.

    2. I did a little search on that Guy Beaumont character. He apparently is a HAC dropout, started an IFB church some years ago, but meets in a borrowed building. His Twitter feed is amazingly arrogant. He claims to have 24.7K Twitter followers. He doubtless has gone to one of several outfits that will sell a person Twitter followers by the thousands, even hundreds of thousands.

      Cheese fell off his cracker.

    3. I hadn’t read the thread until @thilipsis wrote, then went and read. Was impressed (? – what’s the opposite of impressed? underwhelmed?) with the arrogance and nastiness of Guy Beaumont’s responses.

      1. Besides the cranial extraction, brother Beaumont may need a reverse lobotomy because his lack of social skills suggests that he is missing his frontal lobe.

  28. The razor is for slicing out the parts of the Bible you’d prefer for other people not to notice.

    2. … An the shoe polish is for those hilarious blackface skits that IFB churches seem to love so much.

  29. I find his putting the # after the number really odd. I kept reading it like “one number razor.”

    This is a weird assortment of “tools” (how is a backbone a tool?), which are completely unrelated to good preaching.

  30. The thing that cracks me up is that young preachers are supposed to have a backbone, but supposed to be cowed into silence in the face of older preachers.

    In fundy-speak, having a backbone means having the courage and boldness to stand up and do exactly what you’re told to do.

    These people are the best parody of themselves. You really can’t make this stuff up.

    1. “Having a backbone means having the courage and boldness to stand up and do exactly what you’re told to do.” Haha! So true!!

      They will never accept that the Spirit might lead you in a different direction than themselves.

  31. What’s with the 1#; 2#; 3#…? I don’t think that’s correct for anything? I’ve see #1, #2, #3, etc. I’ve seen 1) 2) 3), etc. I don’t think it’s correct to use 1#, is it?

      1. I’m not certain if he doesn’t know how to make a list, or is trying to get into hashtagging and failing at that just like he fails at gospel presentations, and list formations.

        1. My wife left a note for our 16 year old to grab 3# hamburger out of the freezer. Kid asks what a 3 hashtag hamburger was. Not kidding LOL!

        5. Maybe he means you need one pound of razors (which is a lot of razors, by the way), two pounds of shoe polish, three pounds of thank-you notes, and so on.

  32. I went to his twitter machine and I was astounded at the mean spirited replies by some of these pastors. The one dude Beaumont was like “You’re an Idiot.” Nice. Really feeling the love from some of these people.
    Ever realize that some people are put where they are to make give you an example of everything NOT to be?

    2. Exactly, as was the case with one IFB “pastor” I knew who was an example of the POMPOUS ASS one should avoid being!

      1. You still need to unlearn that bit of Fundiness, become an egalitarian, and LEARN TO SEW! 🙂 (I mean, what if a button pops off and your wife has the flu?)

      2. BTW…. I’ve never even heard of Dr. Hamblin… I got out of the Indy Fundies back in the 90’s…. Praise the Lord!!!!!!

    2. Yes, and we have it on the authority of one of the Fundy popes that he put Armor All on his sandals.

  40. #9 Worship Jack Hyles

    #10 whenever famous comedians like Tony Hutson and Larry Brown come to preach, laugh at their jokes….HAY-MAN!!!

    1. Some years back, I met a women who ran a small business and whose sister worked or else had worked for a Fundy preacher who has been featured on this site. According to this woman, that preacher told a racist joke in her sister’s presence. The sister did not find the joke in any way amusing and did not laugh. A second Fundy preacher (who is at least fairly well known in Fundamentalist circles) rebuked that sister by saying something like, “When your preacher tells a funny joke, you need to laugh.”

      1. Wha…wait a minute….
        What’s a MOG doing telling a racist joke anyway???
        Aren’t we all one race…HUMAN!?!?
        Oh yeah, that “Curse of Ham” thang my Dad used to talk about….. WOW!!! That took me back to the 80’s!!! Phew!

      2. That preacher just violated that woman’s Christian liberty.

        He failed to imitate Christ. Can you imagine Jesus saying such a thing?

        1. Wasn’t it the pharisees who were angry that, metaphorically speaking, Christ wouldn’t dance when they piped to Him? These guys seem to feel that they are the only ones permitted to exercise Christian liberty.

          You’re right, its inconceivable that Jesus would have spoken like either of the two Fundy preachers.

          By the way, I think I may remember who the second preacher was, but I should not have spoken so confidently about his identity in the previous post.

      3. It probably wouldn’t have helped if the employee had explained that she was quite prepared to laugh when and if her preacher ever told a FUNNY joke.

        1. BG,

          As reasonable as your comment is, you are probably correct in your assumption that it would have been poorly received.

  41. Well, they are certainly impressed by themselves. I cannot wait until they learn to preach and to be pastors, for what glorious advice will fall from their twittering fingertips. Nah.

  44. I see it’s been said in a few earlier posts, but this one definitely needs additional emphasis. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong when a tweet of tools a young preacher needs is missing the Bible.

  45. I find it interesting that no where does it mention a preacher should have a love for God and a love for people. Nor does it mention good hermeneutics….somewhat telling.

  50. Notice #8…a muzzle when older preachers are talking….First of all, for them to be talking they must be ALIVE…so older preachers are those born in 1930 and up…so much for DEAD preachers like Spurgeon, Whitefield, Owen, Ryle, etc. Second of all, to need a muzzle to stop talking, a young preacher must be a fool, for the Bible says “A Fool is Full of Words” Eccl 10:14. Finally, someone who needs a muzzle to stop talking is in direct violation of James 1:19, “Let every man be swift to hear and slow to speak”. IBF preachers say it like this “God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as mouth as you talk”..They should take their own advice. THANK YOU very much

Comments are closed.