Holidays

Valentines

116 Comments

Coming soon to your church bookstore, a series of fundy Valentine’s Day cards to suit all needs…

Cover: Roses are red, violets are blue
Inside: I’ll get socialed if I hug you

Cover: I’ll pick you up at 8…
Inside: a.m. For soulwinning.

Cover: You make me shake, you make me shiver…
Inside: You set my culottes all aquiver

Cover: I love you.
Inside: And as soon as my father talks to your father and our pastor agrees, our courtship can begin.

Cover: You’re beautiful.
Inside: And I’d appreciate it if you’d stop that before I stumble.

Cover: Our eyes met across a crowded room…
Inside: …and I knew you’d pass my 104 item dating pre-screening checklist with flying colors.

Cover: Let’s spice this evening up
Inside: And BOTH hold the hymnbook at church

Cover: I love being in love with a pastor.
Inside: I wish my husband were one.

Feel free to add your own…

116 thoughts on “Valentines”

  4. Cover: Roses are red violets are blue
    Inside: Are you sure this is legal? How old are you?

  5. Cover: I love you to the moon and back
    Inside: Just have me back by curfew

    Cover: The sheets went flying and the clothes are all over
    Inside: right before white glove

  6. Cover: Happy Valentine’s Day, Pastor!
    Inside:(a picture of Jack Schaap in his cell with his cellmate, Bubba)

  7. Cover: It’s Valentines day you’re special to me
    Inside: God wants us to do this I know cuz He told me 😛

  8. Cover: I would like to get to KNOW you . . .
    Inside: In the biblical sense

    Cover: So, how do you rate . . .
    Inside: On the Proverbs 31 checklist?

    Cover: I would like you to to be saved . . .
    Inside: by bearing my children (I Tim. 2:15)

    Cover: This could really turn into something special . . .
    Inside: As long as you will submit to my authority

    Cover: I think you’re attractive and desirable. . .
    Inside: Not that I was looking or anything (Matt. 5:28)

  10. Let’s Make Some Eye Babies!

    I know we’re not meant for each other (the pastor said so)…
    But I’ll still give you a piece of my heart!

    <3

  12. Cover: My love for you burns like a blazing fire (Song of Songs 8:6)
    Inside: Just like a bonfire of modern perversions!

      1. I wanted to post a similar thought but thought it might be a little too vulgar. Good to know disturbed minds think alike, LOL!!!

  13. I was just recently at the wedding of some Baptist College of Ministry students. So, I’ve heard quite a bit about this courtship stuff. Btw, the rehearsal dinner kind of looked like a clone convention.

  14. Cover: Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins . . .
    Inside: Disregard. This verse is meant to be figurative of Christ and his Bride.

  15. John Hamblin’s card for his wife (Song of Songs 7:1-2),

    Cover: Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands

    Inside: Your naval is a rounded goblet that never lacks non-alcoholic, Non-Alcoholic, NON-ALCOHOLIC wine!

    3. 😆 😆 Too bad this wonderful fundy pick-up line will never be used. It’s sinful modern dating to directly ask a girl out (and let’s not even think about the depths of wickedness that is plumbed if a girl asks a boy out!!). All arrangements for contact between boys and girls must be made by parents. Excuse me, by fathers. Women don’t count. They’re only good for making babies and bread.

        1. Ah, but Pastor can not approve unless he personally interviews the victi-er young girl in private. Even then, if she’s hot enoug-er, totally pure, it will take more than one. The wedding should follow quickly enough. 😈

  17. The fundy designer of that dessert course will never, ever admit that it was inspired by the evil, occult yin-yang symbol 😮

  18. BJU and PCC limited editions….

    Cover: I’m shamelessly ravaging you but what is the source? 😉

    Insude: It’s not necking or hormone’s baby….it’s OPTICAL INTERCOURSE 😯 😯

  19. Cover: I love you, I love you!
    Inside: Your father just said I can have your hand in marriage, so now we can hold hands! :mrgreen:

    1. Whoa now! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. That’s hand as in singular. Both hands will just have to wait until after the wedding.

  22. Cover: I want to always be near you…
    Inside: As long as we stay six inches from each other.

    (For those of us who went to ACE school.)

  23. Alright, introducing an attempt at humor with a disclaimer is probably a bad sign, but here goes nothing. I absolutely do not intend to make light of the Song of Solomon. I also genuinely hope that none of my hackwork is either hurtful or needlessly offensive:

    Cover: A photograph of a smiling Jack Hyles– what better symbol of love could there be?

    Inside: The following poem:

    I send this little poem to you
    With hopes that you may see
    And understand a little, Dear,
    Of what you mean to me.

    Your hair is like that useful mop
    With which I clean my floor–
    Your eyes (like muddy puddles)
    Are the thing that I adore!

    Your eyebrows, like two porcupines,
    Above your nose do meet,
    And serve to frame your lovely face,
    So wonderful and sweet.

    But though I love you hair and eyes,
    My joy would know no bounds,
    And you would be yet lovelier–
    Say, minus fifty pounds.

    However, should you lose no weight,
    I’ll no more call you fat.
    The beating that you gave me once
    Purged folly such as that!

    And so my dearest Valentine
    Permit me now to say
    That Fundamentally I love you–
    More than I can say!

    2. *second verse, fourth line: add “s” to thing*
      *last verse, second line: change to: “Let it be known this day”– say is currently used twice*

    2. A secret admirer card from Larry Hobbs.
      Cover: I wish I could say I love you public.
      Inside: But I am too cowardice.

  27. Cover: Baby, you know I’ll always be true
    Inside: There’s a culotta lovin’ here waitin’ for you!

    Cover: This Valentine’s, dearest, I don’t need your bling
    Inside: ‘Cause, Daddy, you gave me this great promise ring!
    XXOOXXO DADDY ‘N’ ME 2GETHER 4EVER UNTIL MISTER RIGHT NEGOTIATES FOR MY HAND!!!

  28. A special valentine card for as-yet unattached fourth year Bible college students:

    You’ll Do …
    … I mean c’mon, we’re the only ones left!!

  29. For ATI boys (around the age of 29):

    Daddy Dearest . . .
    . . . may I court your daughter??
    [Questionaire enclosed]

    For ATI girls (around the age of 29):

    Daddy Dearest . . .
    . . . I love being your stay-at-home, proxy second wife!

    [A couple of valentines days ago my dad bought my then-25 year old sister her SECOND promise ring to replace her other one because she wanted bigger diamonds.]

    1. DS – Your mother usually steals the headlines in your posts, but your dad wins silver for this gem.

    3. Um….

      Your dad is buying diamond rings for his 25yo stay at home daughter?

      I don’t think I know or want to know what is going on.

  30. You stole my heart
    On the day we met
    And each new kiss
    Is the sweetest yet
    And how you love me
    Even though I’m a teen
    I’m sorry, sweet Pastor,
    That your wife is so mean
    But someday soon
    When from prison you’re free
    You’ll leave that old hag
    And start a new life with me

  31. Older fundy guy to fundy girl:
    Cover: Roses are red violets are blue…
    Inside: Our parents are in heaven now and I think I can finally marry you!

  32. I’m sorry, I’m stuck on the plate with “Hebrews 13:4” apparently painstakingly handpainted on it.

    1. Yeah, I wasn’t too sure whether that verse was the best one to use for a romantic dinner, either.

  33. Cover: I want YOU!
    Inside: after Jesus and others, of course.

    Cover: I’ll love you for a lifetime…
    Inside: as long as you always stay the same weight.

    Cover: Fulfill my fantasy!
    Inside: Be my ever-submissive wife.
    (It’s not a request.)

    Evangelical version
    Cover: Lead me with strong hands…
    Inside: to the marriage bed.

    From Zsuzsanna Anderson to Steve Anderson
    Cover: Oooh, you’re so manly…
    Inside: when you pisseth against the wall.

    From Mark Driscoll to Grace Driscoll:
    Cover: Happy Valentine’s Day!
    Inside: I want- no, baby, I [i]need[/i] you to stroke my already impossibly large ego.

    1. That last one… I suppose “ego” is more fitting than the other thing this brought to mind, the one a Man-O-gid does wish impossibly large. 😯 🙄

  34. An SFL Valentine’s break-up card:
    Cover: Baby, my love for you is like the white piano.
    Inside: It doesn’t exist.

        2. Neutrality on this subject is strictly banned. I just hope you have to good sense to not “see” it.

        3. When the white piano picture first appeared, I was frustrated because I could NOT see what everyone was saying was there. At LAST (after probably several hours), my eyes made sense of it; my mind recalibrated its assumptions about certain lines and angles and at last I could see it!

          Because I couldn’t see it for so long, I understand the doubter and the disbelievers. But it is there!

  35. Cover: My love for you will be even stronger
    Inside: When I reside in this prison no longer
    P.S. Dirty Steve said to tell you hello

  38. These are funny.
    With the right graphics you could make a killing selling these at HAC or PCC – maybe eCards? I know plenty of students at HAC would think these are hilarious.

  40. A Conservative Christian Passive-Aggressive Break-Up Song
    By me.

    You said you’d always love me,
    Like Jesus loved his church
    But you, God bless your stupid heart,
    Are an awful, selfish jerk.
    But this is no cruel break-up song,
    I’m too Christian for that, it’s true
    I just wanted you to know that
    I pray for you.

    I pray that God will give you faith,
    And patience and perseverance
    I pray that God convicts your heart
    of all your favorite sins
    I hope God helps you bear persecution
    And you give up drugs and cigarettes
    And it doesn’t mean a thing to me
    that you don’t use them yet.

    I put in prayer requests for you
    At our good baptist church
    I ask them to pray that you’ll give up
    those bodies in your basement
    I tell them you need help with pride
    and cheating on me and being gay.
    I’ve never seen those bodies or that gay porn you own
    But I figure just in case you do
    it couldn’t hurt to pray and so

    I pray that God will give you faith,
    And patience and perseverance
    I pray that God convicts your heart
    of all your favorite sins
    I hope God helps you bear persecution
    And you give up drugs and cigarettes
    And it doesn’t mean a thing to me
    that you don’t use either yet.

    And just in case you’re wondering
    Where else my prayers might end,
    I feel like God is leading me
    to ask out your best friend.
    But still
    I’ll pray for you.

    1. Now I’m going to be awake all night trying to think of the music for such awesome lyrics. 😎

  41. Don’t talk to that old GRACE commission
    We did it with divine permission
    I’m a man of god
    I’m on a mission
    Don’t mess with me
    Don’t kiss and tell
    Or you will surely burn in hell

  42. PS Why is one of the dessert items dark chocolate and the other white? Isn’t that unequally yoked?

      1. I have to disagree with you there. If the white one is real white chocolate, then it is almost certainly more delicious.

  43. Cover: I can not wait for our wedding night, love of my life

    Inside: So we can read many chapters of the Bible (KJV1611) as man and wife!

    1. I can’t wait for our wedding day!

      We’ll get to go from no physical contact at all to the most intimate of touching in just a matter of hours! What fun!

    2. Cover: I can not wait for our wedding night…

      Inside: I have been studying that book pastor gave us last night!

    3. Cover: I can not wait for our wedding night, love of my life

      Inside: I’m tired of attending all these stinkin’ Revivals to cover what we are doing!

  45. Valentine’s for Fundy-U students:

    Cover: Valentine, will you be mine?
    Inside: Wear those taupe nylons I love if the answer is “yes”

    Cover: I know a woman is never to be forward
    Inside: But let me be the Ruth to your Boaz

    Cover: Valentine, I’m feeling naughty
    Inside: So let’s read Mark Driscoll’s “Real Marriage” and talk about what you will and won’t do

    Cover: Let’s talk numbers Valentine. Proverbs 31 has 31 verses
    Inside: Now let me show you the 50 shades of Grace

    Cover: Valentine, I want to give you a token of my esteem
    Inside: Bring me your Bible and I will sign it

    Cover: Valentine, mark your work pass for 10:30 p.m.
    Inside: And let’s meet at that hotel near your work at 9:30

  46. For newlyweds

    Cover: Your lips are like grape juice.
    Inside: May I have a sip? (I have considered this prayerfully and Pastor says it’s okay.)

  47. Cover: “There are sixty queens, and eighty concubines, and damsels without number……
    Inside: ……….Only one is my dove, my perfect one” Song of Solomon, 6:8-9

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