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Friday Challenge: Be Resolved

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image by Nevit Dilmen

Christmas is now over for everybody but the billion followers of the liturgical calendar. For the rest of us, it’s time to do our penance for our celebrations by setting goals for the new year to be nicer, get healthier, and stop yelling at traffic.

Today’s challenge is to make a fundy resolution. Make it high-minded to the point of being impossible, self-righteous to the point of being intolerable, and just weird enough to make sure nobody else will have already shared it the next prayer meeting when you tell everybody how the Lord “laid it on your heart.”

I personally am going to take my Bible everywhere I go. My big family Bible that weighs 8 pounds. Even to the bathroom.

127 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Be Resolved”

    2. I resolve to stop stiving for First. The first shall be last and the last shall be first! Amen?

  2. I’m gonna listen to one sermon tape everyday on the way to and from work and read the entire Bible each quarter.

  3. But if we stop yelling at traffic, the blood of the people we couldn’t witness to will be on our hands.

    1. But it will be on your hands a lot faster when you cause car wrecks with your distracting antics.

  4. I resolve to always look my best so my neighbors will see how holy I am and want “some of what I got”. Therefore, I will be wearing my suit and tie while I am mowing my lawn, taking the trash out, walking the dog, washing my car, cleaning the gutters and getting my mail.

    1. When I was in Jr. High, the superintendent of Fundy Christian School would brag of doing those things. He would wear a tie for those activities, including playing first base for the church softball team. This was to gain respect because he was so young he had to set himself apart.

      1. It really is going to be hard to be original with these, isn’t it? It’s hard to think weirder than a fundy.

    3. Sorry, Scorpio; Dr. Don Green beat you to that years ago. He would even wear a three-piece suit while hunting. 🙁

      1. Greg Locke used to wear three piece suit and tie and carry his Bible while water skiing

        2. I wore a three-piece suit (cream-coloured, thank you very much) with white shirt and tie once while running the projectors in a movie theatre! (Flash Gordon, with Queen as the soundtrack!!!).

          Oops – Guess that makes me a capital sinner and unworthy of this august assemblage… 😀

    4. Silly Scorpio, you are supposed to drive by the men’s dorms and pick up a cheap/free “volunteer” lackey to do such menial jobs. That’s the example our pastor set for us. This way he never gets spots on his nice suits, so even more people will aspire to get “what he’s got”.

  5. I resolve to no longer make man-made self-centered resolutions, but to live in a way that is so far above my family and neighbors that everyone will come and ask me to save them.

  6. I am going to tithe 90% and be at the church every time the doors are open, including all day every day when the staff arrive.

    1. Bob – Here are a few things you need in order for me to save you.

      1. A Chick Tract. Read it and realize that whatever you did last night was a sin.
      2. A tie. Put it on.
      3. A mini New Testament. Read John 3:16.
      4. Boom. You’re saved.

      Hope to see you in church Sunday.

  8. I am going to phone all my friends and relatives who have “fallen away” from the church and remind them daily how much they NEED to be “plugged in” to a “local body” and how many rules they are breaking while they are being backslidden. I will “reach out” daily in love to these brothers and sisters until they change their phone numbers and move away.

  9. I am going to propose at the next church business meeting that this year, we celebrate Pastor Appreciation Day at least one Sunday every month. It’s the least we can do for the man who sacrifices so much for us, volunteering to count all the tithe money taken in each week and staying late many evenings to further train the church secretary and provide valuable counseling to the women in the 18-29 class.

  10. I’m going to post links to sermons from Sermon Audio on my FB page. Not only will this be a good way to introduce my friends to some good preaching, but if someone makes a rude comment, I can also get credit for being persecuted for Christ. Actually, this will also be a good way to see which of my friends are truly spiritual, based on how many “AMEN’s” I get in the comments section.

  11. 1. Three to thrive, 52 weeks of the year for my whole family (including the Mrs and the new baby, due in March)
    2. Soul winning every Saturday, 52 weeks, but this year I’m going to also sell
    Sword of the Lord subscriptions door to door as I go.
    3. Going to picket the local movie house, while giving away Netflix coupons for a God-blessed alternative.
    4. Get the Mrs. to sew matching denim for culottes (is culo the term for the larger sizes?) for herself and the girls: Jackie, Jackette, Jacquelina, and our baby born when we served as the only Bible-believing missionaries in Africa , JackHquisha. (the H is silent)

  13. I resolve to be more ladylike and will wear culottes to the gym, will conduct myself more submissively, even to nitwits who misuse the Scripture from the pulpit, and will attend every Women’s Jubilee held this year, if I can find any.

    1. And I resolve to wear nothing but ankle length jumpers with turtleneck sweaters underneath, solid colored tights and ankle boots so not a single inch of skin will show to tempt my poor, easily mislead brothers.

    2. … shouldn’t your resolution include something about being respectful to that superlative MOG, Bob Gray (TX)?

      :mrgreen:

        1. True, but I thought he might get a special mention because of your “special” relationship with him!

  14. Confession time: when I was in high school, and insufferable, I *DID* carry my Bible wherever I went. BIG, honkin’ big one, with a huge leather cover embossed with my name. Because if I misplaced it (unlikely), I wanted everyone to know who was so holy as to carry it.

    I was a horrible person then, and I cringe to think of how my classmates much have seen me…

  15. And my resolution is to drop Chick tracts in every mailbox on my block. To be followed by tracts on tithing, because we all know that no one can resist the call of a Chick tract, and after reading one, everyone will be in church the next Sunday…

  16. I resolve to put every piece of paper currency, that I carry, in a tract. That way I can witness to every person I do business with. After they get saved, they have a nice tract collection to begin their witnessing.

  17. I resolve this year to not let my wife hold the hymnal at our church so that my personal testimony would not be tarnished( even though we don’t have hymnals at our church; words are on a screen)

  18. I resolve to pray/guilt my husband until he becomes the leader Gid and the pastor want him to be and leads family devotions.

    I resolve to be in church every time the doors are open, including all special conferences that end past my kids bedtime.

    I resolve to be extra careful with my clothing choices, since if a guy lusts it’s all my fault, and I don’t want to be a burden to the sensitive Men-O-Gid. Clavicles are the slippery slope to cleavage, haymen!

  19. I can’t even bring myself to do this one. I am too much of a slave to the law, specifically Poe’s – nothing I can imagine would be crazier than reality.

    For a real resolution, I am consciously pushing grace into the corners and recesses of my life where the law still reigns…that should keep me busy.

    1. “…Pushing grace into the corners and recesses of my life where the law still reigns…”

      Loved this. It’s my real life resolution as well.

  20. I resolve to mute every commercial as I watch football/sports programs on TV and of course Duck Dynasty, and every time I mention Obama to add his middle name!

    1. I sometimes mute the commercials but it’s because they can get really loud! 🙂

      1. Excuse me? Beg pardon? I can’t hear you over this inane, insipid, and ignorant car advertisement. (Now to work these into a sermon outline)

  21. I resolve to repost, like, and share every cheesy “I love Jesus” status and every far out conspiracy theory on facebook.

  22. I also resolve to be a good christian wife and dutifully add at least 5 arrows to my husband’s quiver in 2014. (don’t ask how I’m gonna pull that one off…)

  23. I resolve to be perfect, because that’s what’s expected of us, and why would God tell us to do something if we can’t fulfill it in our own strength?

    Amen.

  24. I resolve to beat, ahem, I mean lovingly spank my children for 7 hours a day, instead of 6, or until they can’t breathe for sobbing. Because their will has not been thoroughly broken yet and if I’ve told them once, I’ve told them 1,267,087,354 times….the toilet paper is supposed to roll FORWARD from the holder, not backwards.

  25. I resolve to spend more time at Tea Party meetings; to double my giving to the NRA; to uphold the 2nd amendment of our inspired US constitution; and to tell all my neighbors that America will surely collapse under the oppression of a Muslim president.

  27. I do not think it is right to participate in New Year’s Resolutions. I pray that I will be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit at any time during the coming year and not just at one specific time. And we wonder why there is no revival! You all should really pray about joining me in this.

  28. I resolve to pass out 2014 tracts a week in 2014. Since there are only 1278 people in our town, I will have to weekly visit nearby, more populated areas. If the Lord so burdens you, please consider giving money towards purchase of tracts, traveling expenses, and dining expenses (Don’t muzzle the ox while it is treading! Amen?) for me, my family, and friends I am discipling in this important ministry. All contributions to my new, non-profit Tract Attack are tax-deductible. Rest assured, all tracts are KJV-only!

  29. I resolve:

    To purge my wardrobe of any clothing of mixed fibers. The Lord has really laid this on my heart. Christians have forsaken the Old-Time Way by not practicing Biblical Separation in every part of life, including the separation of divers linens.

    In order to truly show my love for Jesus, I also resolve to check the tags of my neighbors’ clothing, and if their attire does not meet the standards of godly separation I will lovingly point out their transgression.

  30. I personally resolve for 2014 to do the following as per Fundy Code 14-12-365:

    1. I will read through the KJV1611 four times (Using the R.M.M. schedule in 1/4 the time four times)
    2. I will attend every single service of my former-fundy “church” through 2014. I will even refuse to take any vacations that require travel on either the fundy sabbath or Wednesday. I will seek approval of the CEO to attend another fundy Church should it be impossible not to be in attendance at the CEO’s “ministry.”
    3. I will lead one soul each and every week through the front doors of the CEO’s “church.” If I happen to have to attend an approved alternative fundy church I’ll bring two the next time.
    4. I will resolve to allow any adult beverages to touch my lips through 2014 so that I can stand up during the last Wednesday evening bragimony time to tell everyone that I have not allowed any adult beverages to touch my lips (I’ll use a straw!)
    5. I will not watch any Television. (I’ll watch HULU instead), and then commence to telling every what a blessing it was not watching television and that I grew spiritually by reading through my KJV four times.
    6. I’ll use my vacation time to go on two mission trips.
    7. I will open our home to visiting missionaries and Mog’s (we’ll stay in a hotel if we have to)
    8. I will loan the same visiting missionaries and Mog’s our family cars.
    9. I will visit every retirement community and nursing home in our town at least once this year.
    10. I will lose 40 pounds.
    11. I will pay my Mog at least one complement after each and every amazing message.
    12. I will send my Mog birthday, Valentines, Christmas, Easter, Ground Hog, Winter and Summer Solstice, Independence Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Wedding Anniversay, Mog of our church anniversary, Ordination anniversary, Graduation from fundy U anniversary cards this year.
    13. I will volunteer my family to clean the sacred building 26 times.
    14. I will start a weekly bible study at work.
    15. I will have family alter every night except Sunday and Wednesday (I dont want to be legalistic)
    16. I will volunteer to be a deacon or trustee.
    17. I will be humble this year.
    18. I will visit the poor weekly.
    19. I will visit the sick weekly.
    20. I will visit the visitors weekly.
    21. And with the time I have remaining, I will visit my mother.

    Of course, I’ll have to break up the sharing of the blessings accomplished through me between the Thanksgiving service and the last Wednesday evening sharing of bragimonies.

    B.R.O.

    1. #4 the straw bit was hilarious, but unfortunately the extent of a lot of fundy holiness. Fundy kids can be the sneakiest, because all they learn is to not get caught. We have some folks in our church that follow the Pearl’s line of discipline, and I don’t want to be anywhere near those kids when they are adults.

  31. I resolve to lead 300 people to Christ next year, just like a man I heard “thanking God” for the same at a New Year’s eve service in an IFB church years ago. Of course, not one of his 300 converts ever came to church, but everyone knows they are truly saved (per Jack Hyles “Where are the Nine” sermon).

    Heck, all I did that year was bring a couple co-workers to church who believed the Gospel and really showed evidence of changed lives. I was still in the pastor’s doghouse, however, because the bragging rights that come with 300 fake converts were much more important to the pastor than the man and woman I brought who walked the aisle at his church.

  32. Following the lead of my godly mentor, Bro. Steve “The Pisser” Anderson, I resolve:

    To stand not only while pissing, but also while Number Twoing. I’ll be sure to let y’all know how this comes out.

      1. To be honest, Paul, in spite of my best efforts my resolution has not been as successful as I had hoped. I think my faith is too small. Or my toilet (which I have lovingly named “The Dung-gate” Nehemiah 3:14 KJB).

        I’ll keep working on it, since no man who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is worthy of the kingdom of heaven.

  33. Upthread Bob M resolved to tithe 90%. I cannot allow someone to be more holier than me. Therefore I am resolving to tithe 100% It’s all God’s anyway, amen?

    Not only that, but I am going to take out a loan equal to 10% of my gross annual salary. I will also give all of that.

    I will now be able to say I am giving 110%.

    1. You can’t outgive God. They said it at the missions conference. You can expect a truckload of cash from the windows of Heaven in 2014. Just like the widow and the cruse of oil.

      1. Sure, Scorpio should expect at least an 80% return on his 110% investment. It’s a matter of fact.

        Of course, he should then tithe on the 80% return plus faith promise for missions and give to the mortgage and future building funds and love offerings and Sunday School offerings along with the men’s prayer breakfast offerings and deacon’s fund and Mog’s “we love you” offerings for Christmas, his birthday, anniversary and “this is a very tough month” offerings along with the “a lot of members have left” offerings to show that he has done nothing wrong and we love him anyway and want to send him on a awesome vacation with his family to prove it and to forget about those “stupid sheep” that left in the first place.

        There, Scorpio, that should take care of the 80% return on your 110% investment!

        B.R.O.

  34. I promiseth to only speaketh the words of the AV 1611 King James Double inspired English so my neighbors will be broughteth under conviction when they heareth the words of my mouth. Thous shalt do the same if you loveth your KJ 1611 bibles

  36. I resolve never to think one single sexual (impure and lustful) thought in 2014. After all, everything related to THAT kind of pleasure belongs to the realm of Satan and not the Lord. Procreation is a different story; that’s a commandment and a duty. The act is only a necessary evil, originated in wickedness.

  37. I resolve that whenever I say “Bible” in conversation, I will instead say “King James Bible” so I will be a testimony to the listeners and perhaps convict their hearts.

  38. I will start giving fake dollar tracts to every homeless person I see. I know it’ll uplift their hearts, bring them joy and help the see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    I will learn to style my hair in a big godly poof just like the old-fashioned tent-revival preachers’ wives so that I can bring GLORY to my husband.

    I will stop having my own thoughts, opinions and feelings in order to be a more submissive wife.

    1. “I will stop having my own thoughts, opinions and feelings in order to be a more submissive wife.”

      I would pay to see that. :mrgreen:

      Happy New Year PP!!

      2. Happy New Year to you, too!

        I suspect my husband’d be bored to tears or completely creeped out if I suddenly became Mrs. Submissive and agreed to everything he said.

        Which means I probably SHOULD do it just to mess with him.

        2. Persnickety, I apologize if my comment insulted you. What I meant was it’s an ugly thing when you (generic you) have to repress everything about yourself in order to be accepted. It was in no way meant as anything personal.

  40. I resolve to abdicate all trousers and pant-like garments from my wardrobe (even skirts with one single front pleat because they LOOK like they could be a split skirt). I will be certain to burn all of my pajama pants because I certainly don’t want to cause my husband to lust (when we’re home by ourselves in the evening).

  41. When I eat in restaurants, I resolve to leave notes tucked in Chick Tracts stating that I only give to the mangogawd at the houseogawd, and that they should come visit so they will get a blessing far greater than a monetary tip.

  42. I am setting a goal of 100 souls saved in 2014….make it 150 souls…no wait…I need to know how many my hero, Dr. Hamblin saved last year so I can save more than he did. 🙄

  43. WHEREAS God hath in His Almighty Goodness laid a burden on my heart, and
    WHEREAS It behooveth all men everywhere to heed God’s Holy KJV Bible, and
    WHEREAS The offense principle doth verily demand it
    BE IT RESOLVED That in the year 2014 I shall burn a false perversion of God’s Holy King James Bible on every Saturday on the front lawn, and furthermore
    BE IT RESOLVED That while doing so I shall preach to all passersby that like the unholy Koran, the book of Mormon, and Archie comics, these perversions offer nothing more than a fiery pathway to the pit of hell.

  44. I resolve to research the origins of every song we sing, using only songs written by godly men or men who died eons ago, in order to keep demonic influences out of our church and home, so that my sons will not become like Ray Boltz, who reminds me of Lot’s son-in-laws’ buddies.

  45. I resolve not to hide my candle under a bushel, but rather will place it upon a candlestick where the hot air from the MoG will spread it until lo! it sets the whole church-house afire for Gid!

    I resolve not to wear that which pertaineth to either a woman nor a man, just to be on the safe side.

    I resolve to keep on playin’ that fundy music ’till I die. The event of which it may hasten.

    I resolve to place a modest covering over the right side of my computer screen while condescending to view SFL to obviate my looking upon a woman to lust when an advertisement containing an image of a lusty wench appears thereupon.

    I resolve to bring my dog to em-BARK upon a pilgrimage to the holiest of holys, HAC, so that lo and behold he can pay his respects unto the Hyles statue. Why should J. R. Rice’s horse have all the fun?

    1. “I resolve not to wear that which pertaineth to n 🙄 either a woman nor a man, just to be on the safe side.”
      That doesn’t leave very much, curious to see how you resolve that one.

    2. According to John R. Rice’s grandson, the stunt involving the horse was planned and undertaken without the old gentleman’s prior knowledge. Also according to that grandson, John R. Rice was not amused.

      Off course the event begs the question, did anyone involved realize just how ill advised it was to, even as a joke, award an honorary degree to a horse?
      Is it even possible that they were unaware that the stunt might bring to peoples’ minds the story of the Roman emperor Caligula and his horse? Or maybe no one had the courage to tell Jack Hyles just how bad an idea it really was.

  46. I resolve to kindle Revival Fires by reading Jonathan Edwards Resolutions weekly and posting them multiple times on my Facebook Status.

    15. Resolved, never to suffer the least motions of anger towards irrational beings.

    38. Resolved, never to speak anything that is ridiculous, sportive, or matter of laughter on the Lord’s day. Sabbath evening, Dec. 23, 1722.

    2. Don I had never read the Resolutions until now. SFL could devote a thread to these. Now I can correlate my dad’s reverence for Jonathan Edwards and the way I was raised. Dad’s standards were absolutely impossible to meet, and death & hell was the reward for failure.

      With the benefit of age, I usually suspect that people who trumpet their impossibly high moral standards usually have huge moral skeletons in their closets. Quite often they involve severe sexual misconduct. I believe this is called “reaction formation” but it’s been 30 years since I took psych class. My bet is that JE had a really, really dark side. Just my guess.

        1. Just Googled this a bit. 😯 😳 😀 😎 I’d read “Sinners in the Hands etc” in my Fundy high school, this does open up history indeed.
          FTR, I did learn more than you’d think even then. :mrgreen:

        2. Dear Dr. Fundystan,
          I certainly learn a lot from you, as well as many others in this site. I googled this and have been reading about JE owning slaves until his death. While he baptized them into his church it appears that he (however benevolently) viewed them as chattel.

          JE wasn’t a 20th century fundy, but in ways he reminds me of them, demanding the highest of moral standards from listeners, yet blind to their own moral infirmities. A good reminder for me, as well.

          I doubt that I would’ve been able to stand being around Edwards. He was too much of a douche.

        3. Sounds like Jonathan Edwards was fond of manipulating people, all people, any way he could. Reminds me of some folks in our own era.

        4. “What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.” – Solomon

          “The more things change, the more they stay the same” -French Proverb

          SSDD -US Army acronym

          “Fundie is as Fundie Does” – Brother Forrest Gump

  47. I resolve to figure a way to fashion a 5 point pocket square and to weare it with all of my out fits, including my coveralls, utility uniform and my dress uniform. When told it is not within regs; I will claim persecution. 😛

  48. I do solemnly resolve that I will only purchase apparel, cookpots, platters and apronage that shew scriptures of the Authorised Bible emblazoned across their surface. I verily swear that I will communicate in a mighty multitude of diverse fonts in season and out. Thus the word will go forth in power and convict all who gaze thereon.

  49. I resolve to be keeping notes on all the misdeeds that you people are up to for a fuller & more complete report at prayer services. I’ll be taking extra detailed notes of non flight activities in the cockpit.

  50. I resolve to paint scriptures on the door posts of my home, because that is a command. And to have them hanging in every room as a talisman to keep evil spirits away. I resolve not to purchase anything that has a Satanic symbol on it, which includes but is not limited to, pretzel twists, wheel shaped pasta and basically anything with a brand name. To bring those into my home would invite demons. I also resolve to purge my home every 30 days, for things creep in unawares.

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