Odds and Ends

Friday Challenge: Be Thankful(ish)

198 Comments


photo by By Dennis Crowley

Today’s challenge is to give something for which you are thankful in the style of a fundamentalist humble brag.

I am thankful that I got 20 people saved this last weekend.

I am thankful that I have never even tasted beer.

I am thankful that I have no clue what the inside of a movie theater looks like or how great their sound systems are or how exorbitant the popcorn prices are…

198 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Be Thankful(ish)”

  3. Oh, and I’m thankful my husband doesn’t cheat on me with the church secretary

    1. But we know you are thankful for all that one on one counseling he is giving Sister Bambi Goodbottom here lately following those nasty rumors of her being a lesbian pornstar. Amen?
      😯

  4. I am thankful that, despite having never watched an episode of Friends, Seinfeld, or Honey Boo Boo, I nonetheless have strong opinions about them.

  5. Ah, the Luke 18:9-14 prayer….which was fashioned after the old prayers of the Pharisees–Thank you God I was not born a gentile or a slave or a woman….

    I am thankful I don’t pray like that. 😉

    2. I’m thankful that Leanne is a kind and gracious woman who will forgive me (I hope) for being a bit of an ass during an online kerfuffle a while back.
      Seriously– apologies, and have a happy Thanksgiving.

      “Kerfuffle” is a neat kine of word.

  6. I’m just so thankful, Lord, that my wife doesn’t dress like a street walking woman of ill repute.

    1. Funny. My husband is usually on his knees in gratitude when I dress like that. 😛

  7. I am thankful that I do not attend one of those ear-tickling churches where worldly heavy rock beats are disguised as songs that directly praise God instead of pondering my walks through the garden. I am also thankful that my pastor faithfully preaches from the text of the King James Bible and follows the leading of the Holy Spirit wherever it might take him through course of the sermon instead of giving some feel-good doctrinal message concealed under the guise of expository preaching.

    1. This one made me laugh. “I Come to the Garden Alone” was my Methodist grandfather’s favorite hymn.

  8. I am thankful for my group of church friends who all go out to lunch after the Sunday morning service, where we can all be a witness to the wait staff by leaving those tracts that look like money but are worth so much more!

  9. I am thankful for skirts and dresses so that I won’t bust hell wide open by covering my legs. 🙄

  10. I’m thankful that I’m a good steward of what God has given me, so I’m content to cook at home and not be tempted by those sinful establishments that serve the Devil’s drink.

  11. Lord, I’m just so thankful, Lord, that I am not like these SFLers who choose to mock and laugh at the Menogawd, a crime for which you instituted the death penalty yea these many years ago. Lord, I jus’ want to thank you that I have been GLORIOUSLY saved from the sin and debauchery that these SFLers revel. Lord? I jus’ wanna say thank you that I can come before you with a spirit of joy and thankfulness without any of the pants or short-sleeved tops or — oh Lord help us! — open-toed shoes.

    Lord, I jus’ ask you to forgive them for they know not what they do!

    3. I’m thankful for not choking on my food while laughing when reading Persnickety Polecat’s comments during lunch.

  12. I’m too distracted by the fact that there is *BACON* on that turkey to formulate thoughts.

    Seriously. *Bacon*. On. The. Turkey.

    The only way that could be better is if it were turducken.

    (Sadly, I’ve recently had to go vegetarian for health reasons. /muffled sobbing/)

    1. *Ahem* I am thankful I am now morally & ethically superior to those who slaughter helpless animals & feast on their flesh without the merest twinge of conscience. 😈

      1. Oh no, everyone, Dr. Jezebel is breaking God’s COMMAND that we eat meat. We are going to have to separate from her.

        On the other hand, she is a woman (which makes me so confused because she is a doctor too???), and probably the COMMAND to eat meat is mostly for men, so I guess we can give her a pass as long as she is submitting to her husband and cooking meat for him.

      2. While the bacon on the turkey keeps it very moist, sadly the flavor does not seep into the meat. 🙁 I’ve tried it. I was a little disappointed. 😐

  13. I am thankful that the preaching of grace still hasn’t washed away 100% of the MOG-created guilt – I mean “truth” – that I absorbed during my fundy upbringing.

  14. I am thankful for my tv remote… so that when I watch the football game on Sunday afternoons, after my bus route, I can change the channel without getting out of my seat so that I don’t have to see liquor commercials or cheerleaders.

    1. Ha! Oh, and I’m thankful that said remote also controls my cussbox so I don’t have to hear any blasphemy out of the mouths of those gawdless sportscasters.

  15. I am so thankful for permnanent markers to cross out bad words in every book I read and draw clothes on every immodest figure so that when I pass on my books to others they can see and read the purest version.

    1. And I am thankful for your discernment ministry so that I will not be driven to lust and sexual sin by seeing the word “breast” in my southern fried cookbook or seeing pictures of naked Africans starving in National Pornographic.

    2. I’m thankful I can use a permanent marker to write “Going to Hell” on the obituarys of those who don’t attend Bible-believing, born again, Baptist churches. (Yes my Baptist grandma did this).

      1. OUCH! My husband had an “adoptive” Grandma who repeatedly said about the Middle East, “Kill ’em ALL. Wipe ’em out. That’s what God did.” Ouch, ouch, ouch!

        1. My husband has a regular grandma who said something similar last time I saw her, several years ago. I was so appalled, I was actually speechless (which is probably good).

    3. My mom used to black out curse words in every book we owned. I’ve still got some of her books, and it makes me chuckle every time I see those black marks. What’s really funny is that my oldest son just asked to read some of her Agatha Christie books, and I hesitated — not because of the “dirty words” but because of the subject matter. lol. My poor mom.

    2. ‘Cuz I know I’m a million times as humble as thou art,
      I’m the pious guy the little amlettes wanna br like,
      On my knees day and night, scoring points for the afterlife.
      So, don’t be vain, and don’t be whiny,
      Or else, my brother, I might have to get Medieval on your heiny.

      – Rev. Al Yankovic.

  17. I’m thankful that I don’t have to shop at “Prostitutes R Us” since I buy all my clothes at Modest-Pure-Wholesome-Princess-Lady Culotte store.

    1. We may have to separate with you because you did not mention that the store is primarily modest maternity fashion. If you are not contributing to filling the quiver then you must be a backslidden heifer, A-men?

      1. Now, now, Brother Don. Our sister may be in between pregnancies. Bill Gothard says you are allowed to have 40 days off before starting the begetting process again.

    2. I’m just so thankful that I don’t have to shop for my clothes at all because my mother, bless her heart, taught me to sew my own culottes, and not the worldly kind that look like oversized men’s shorts, either.

  18. I am thankful that God has made me a tither. And He has just richly blessed me so much that I also give free will offerings. And love offerings. And building fund. And the pastor’s anniversary gift fund. And faith promise missions too. I am thankful that I always have that $20 in my pocket when I come to church so I can put something extra in the plate each time it is passed. I am thankful that I don’t do any of this to be seen of men.

    I am thankful I am not a Mormon, with their works-based salvation. But they are tithers and look how well their cult is doing! I am just praying that more people will realize that it is more blessed to give than receive.

    2. Yep, agreed…10!

      Of course the Mog doesn’t want anyone to know that our Lord is here quoted before a group of elders at a pastors conference…1st century style, hence, it is more blessed to give than receive from the “flock.”

  19. I am grateful that I don’t even own a television. I know some weaker Christians think it is okay as long as they don’t watch the commercials or install a cussbox to block out the bad words. Amen Bro. Luke? You still with me Sister Two Fingers?
    It is a privilege to spend all that extra time in prayer and Bible reading.

    1. Hay-men!! I am also thankful for conviction! I was convicted over the worldliness that it is to watch a football game that I walked down the aisle, got saved again, surrendered to the mission field, and will promptly go home and smash my tv and remote.

      1. Haha. That would always crack me up (even in my Fundy days) when people would say they were thankful for conviction. I just didn’t get it, even then.

    2. You’ve pointed out my fleshly weakness and you’re right. I shouldn’t even HAVE a television, let alone one with a cussbox. My dear husband just the other day said there were not enough homemade bread options lying around and he blamed it on my obscene addiction to Little House on the Prairie….you have been used by the Holy Spirit to convict me Sister…..I shall have my faithful husband take his huge axe to that boobtube just as soon as he gets home from his counseling session over in Indiana.

      1. I have had fundies call me brother plenty of times but never sister.

        If you must call me something I am not I prefer Doctor. Although I am as much a sister as I am a doctor.

        1. Well…um…it was your hair that caused me to stumble and speak falsely. It’s touching your ears.

          ( I really had no idea, my apologies. lol )

  20. I am grateful that I graduated from one of the most influential Bible colleges in the world. (It says so on their website!) I am glad I didn’t spend an equivalent amount of money and time getting a heathen accredited degree.

      1. I’m thankful for having the chance to have worked for the proud Bible college graduate that owned the Chick-fil-A I worked at. I’m thankful for all the spiritual advice he gave out about working harder during his bi-monthly visit to the store. I’m also grateful for his words of caution about marrying my wife since since she came from a “broken family”! “Don’t worry sir! I’m on my guard for the seeds of marital discord sown in her as a child”

      2. Deacon’s Son,

        My degree came in very handy for work. They were out of the little paper hats at the hot dog stand where I work so I just folded up my degree and stuck it on my head.

        1. 😆 Diploma origami–now that’s funny! I’m thankful that I quit bible school before graduation, so that I don’t have a worthless piece of paper to keep track of.

        2. Nico,

          If I ever get grease on my diploma I have my ordination certificate as backup!

    2. I’m thankful I have a worthless, unaccredited degree in “education” (ignoring all modern child development, whip ’em hard, etc.). It keeps my mouth shut because it’s embarassing and it definitely keeps me humble.

      (I am thankful for the humble part–wow, can I be wrong…and learn better. :^)

  21. I am thankful that I am not bitter at all those who went out from us because they were not of us. I know that God will smite them and dash their little ones against the rocks and also make their washing machine go out because they are not bringing all their tithes into the storehouse, but I am thankful that this brings me no pleasure. Those Westboro Baptists are right about a lot of things, but they don’t understand how to judge other people with love. I am thankful that I know how to do that. I am thankful that I can talk about all those who went out from us without being a gossip because it’s only gossip if it brings reproach on the name of Christ and those beer-drinking, cigar-smoking, per-version-reading, Whiskey-palians have already brought so much reproach on the name of Christ that my few humble words won’t make things any worse. I must warn people from my watchtower, after all, (well, maybe I shouldn’t put it quite like that, since that makes me sound like a Jehovah’s Witness, which I am thankful that I am not one of those!).

    4. Our dryer went out. Not our washing machine. Just our dryer. But it’s totally kaput. Is that because we’re Catholic?

      1. Yes, God clearly wants Catholics to have wet clothes. Because you don’t baptize by immersion but He will find a way to get you wet!!

        1. I’m thankful that I didn’t have any of my beverage in my mouth while reading your retort, or my computer would have been … baptized. 😳

  22. I am thankful that I do not own a hell-a-vision.
    I am thankful that I only sing God-honoring music.
    I am thankful that I have a pastor who preaches hard so the Holy Spirit will convict me of the sin of driving a Honda.
    I am thankful that I am not like my neighbor who lets his wife wear britches.
    I am thankful that I live in the greatest country of all time (well except for the democrats, gays and PBS).
    I am thankful for the covered-dish suppers our church puts out. Amen?
    I am thankful I spend more time with my church family than with my real family.

    1. This is a fine list, hitting pretty much all the high points of fundy thankfulness. That last one, though–that hits close to home. I have a lot of guilt for sacrificing my family at the altar of God. I’m thankful that all my kids will still speak to me, and that I still have some young ones to do better by.

  23. I am thankfull that I didn’t go to Satan U. to get an accredditted digree, amayen. I mean we gots more skolership in the bathrooms at Hiles-andersun than they due in all of Harvurd. (Sadly, that’s an actual quote.)

  24. I am thankful to be living in a country that is still a Christian nation and still celebrates THANKSGIVING to God, not like that Muslim in the White House who can celebrate Ramadan but he don’t celebrate Thanksgiving! And we know Satan is out to attack this God-fearing holiday because the JEWS put Hanukkah on the SAME DAY this year to blaspheme God!! But I am thankful that God is still on his throne and as long as we are thankful to Him, He won’t let this nation go to hell in a hand-basket.

  25. I am thankful that I have never entered within the halls of degradation known as the strip club wherein nekkid women in nuthin more than glitter and high heels titillate audiences with heathenish thrusts of their ungodly hips and godlessly round and ample bosoms, lord have mercy. I am thankful that I have never, with quivering fingers, thrust paper money into the whoreish garter belts atop those most immoral and rotund hips as I ogle sinfully over their most devilish bottoms.

    1. I’m thankful for the traveling evangelists who come through and give us such detailed descriptions of such places. The wife is put off by it sometimes, but bless God, I get some lovin’ when we get home, whether she wants it or not, ’cause I’m the man of the house, Amen?

        1. …wherever you find yourself worshiping and willingly giving your money can be called an Altar… Amen?

  26. I am thankful that though I am an exhausted mother (with health issues) of four young ones (one with health issues)that I still manage to drag myself to church EVERY TIME THE DOORS ARE OPEN. I am thankful that I have not denied myself the Lord’s blessing in this, hearing good altar calls and sermons that allow me to nap a bit, while strengthening my character in dealing with the gossip over my laziness and lack of character because if I truly was allowing God to be in control, I would be SPARKLEY! I am also thankful that my laziness has not been furthered by any help or compassion…. 🙄

    1. The Deacon’s Wife was out shopping at WalMart one Saturday after visitation.

      She tried on a dress that she thought was cute, but looking in the mirror she realized that it plunged a bit too low in the front. In her mind she could hear Satan complementing her and telling her how good she looked in that dress. How it flattered he “features.” In frustration she rebuked the Devil and said, “Get thee hence Satan!”

      Then the next thing she heard was,”Mmmmmmmm, it looks good from back here too!” 😯

  28. I’m thankful that the Lord allowed my wife and I to go on a two week Alaskan cruise and then tour the country for another two weeks, of course it was more of a missions trip because we gave out 1,543 tracts – Pastor, so all expenses paid.

    1. We’re all thankful for our Pastor, and his son, Pastor Jr., and for his father, Grandpastor. So, we are happy to present him with this ( Trip to the Holy Land, New Car, Huge check “love offering”, etc.) on his birthday…and on his anniversary…and on the anniversary of his ordination…and on Christmas…and on the anniversary of his ministry with us…and on…and on…and on.

    1. THIS, wearing buttons, harassing retailers, drives me nuts. After God must be really pleased with all the effort time and irritation to others Christians accomplish in insisting that non-Christians act like Christians. Nothing better to do like having a clue what’s going on with your actual neighbors and working on being salt and light (in a true heart, non-guilt induced way).

  30. I am thankful for the managawd that watches over us in every detail if our lives. I learn from him, follow all of his commands and he preaches hard at my wife when she gets out if line and makes sure our children are brought up in our church’s school. I really appreciate when I am convicted through his preaching through the 1611 AV Double Inspired Version King James Bible!! Not that that wicked esv, nasv, niv, NLT or espn perversions !!!!

  31. I’m thankful that I’m so thankful. (And humble, come to think of it.) I’m thankful to be a good testimony to the heathen by wearing a suit and tie as I’m driving to the church-house on a hot summer Sunday afternoon. I’m thankful my pastor remembers my name, even though I’m not one of his kinfolk. I’m glad he recruited me away from one of those lib’ral churches (they’re not real churches anyway, haymen?) to work for him, I mean, his church. I’m glad he didn’t need my services anymore when one of his pals came to town. (For the last one, I’m genuinely thankful!)

  32. “Lawd Father Gawd we just wanna thank you for our purity and keeping our harts and minds stayed upon Holy things like your 1611, Authorized King James Bible for the English speaking people, Lawd Father Gawd. Lawd Father Gawd I want to thank you that I have never even seen the inside of one of those wicked theaters where ungodly moovies are played, showing all that pornography Lawd Father Gawd. Lawd Father Gawd I especially wanta thank you for keeping my eyes and hands pure from pornographic magazines and wicked computer web sites like wwwfatchicksdotcom (Lawd Father Gawd we thought that was a recipe site for Sunday dinner Lawd Father Gawd and you know we got off quickly and then cut the computer off for a week after that repentin and askin forgiveness for that flash of flesh that our eyes took in, Lawd Father Gawd.) and churchwivesdotcom Lawd Father Gawd. (Lawd Father Gawd you know that I was hoping to be a blessing to such a ministry with my input, Lawd Father Gawd hos was I to know that Sister Barbie Bunsalot from my congregation was on that site? O, Lawd Father Gawd give me wisdom on how to best handle that situation as I continue to counsel her about it Lawd Father Gawd.) Lawd Father Gawd we just wanna thank you that you have kept me pure, and I wanna praise you that I have never even had sex with any woman Lawd Father Gawd. Lawd Father Gawd please continue to keep mu children from all this wickedness as well, in Jah-eee-zus name, Hey-men!”

    1. I am thankful that I have never even seen the insides of one of those pornographic magazines that that wicked Larry Flint published and I’m thankful that I have no idea who Chester is.
      Amen?
      Amen!
      -Pastor Grayschaap

    3. I personally know three or four people you could channeling right now. When I was a kid we used to keep track of how many times people said “and Lard,” in their prayers and made a contest out of it. My uncle won.

      1. I like to count the “just”s.
        The humbleness of the prayer is clearly proportional to the number of “justs”.

  33. I thank thee, Lord, that I have never even struggled with an inkling of lust for a woman.

    1. LOL, good one! I’ve often wondered if MOGs who loudly mention that one are deeply closeted.

  34. I’m so thankful that my husband and myself did not give in and see if we were sexually compatible before we got married. I’m so glad I spent all of those years practicing saying no to him while we were dating because I’m still good at it and there is no way even married relations can be holy because they aren’t pleasurable. I’m so glad that I understand the true purpose of union, making little baby followers.

  35. From Pastor William O Edacity:

    I’m thankful that there’s a day coming in which there won’t be any of these evil anonymous blogs and web sites where people claim “grace” only as a license to sin. Web sites like SFL where holiness is mocked, and the men who pastor and treated with derision as “the mannagod”. Most of those posting here haven’t tried to keep anyone out of hell all week, and don’t give a dime to support God’s work.

    (Anonymous/alias posting is straight from the devil – how can I discredit a post if I don’t know who made it?)

    Beware, [Guilt Ridden] – you are known by the company you keep, and if you keep hanging around sites like this, you will lose your faith and be out of church, and what will become of your family then, when they are no longer under the umbrella of God’s protection?

    1. Sarcasm and satire can get a little too much here and elsewhere but I would have to say that IFB has provoked people to be like that. This is not to excuse people’s actions but that is why sites like these are on the Internet. A more humbled spirit is what people who have been harmed by the pride of IFB need and that is hard to find. The posts/responses that appall you are reactions to the problems within IFB and it will take humbled men/woman within IFB to repent of what they have done that has stirred such a resentment among so many. Until the pride is taken out of IFB, there will continue to be a flood of sarcasm and satire. I am not trying to defend anybody but these are just the reasons why things are the way they are. And I know because I have experienced it myself, which led me to leave IFB.

      I wrote about my IFB experience in this note and I am sure many can relate…
      http://tipofthetonguetheology.blogspot.com/2013/11/what-inspired-me-to-create-tip-of.html

      Respectfully, 😀
      Todd

      1. Todd,

        I believe you were graciously instructed by Darrell to take your spam to the forum. I would gladly read whatever it is you have to say there.

        Alexander the Coppersmith

      2. If you’re gonna keep plugging your blog, at least have the decency to take to heart some of the points in the recent posts on writing. ‘Keep it short’ comes to mind 😉

    2. GR,

      Is that an actual email from Pastor W.O.E?

      Your moniker actually describes how I feel. I enjoy the site, but some of the time I feel like I’m bucking for a bolt of lightning.

      Anyway, here’s a poem about the company you keep by an anonymous author:

      It was early in October and I was long past sober
      As I walked home with my load of manly pride.

      My feet began to stutter so I sat down in the gutter
      When a pig came by and sat down by my side.

      A woman passing by was heard to say,
      “You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses.”
      Then the pig got up… and slowly walked away.

      1. No, it’s not an actual email from “Pastor Woe” (I have written things using his name before and didn’t know if anyone would pick up on his initials).

        I just, uh, “channeled” various IFB pastors and ex-pastors (think Bob Gray, Sr), whom I have had the uh, “fortune” to hear a lot when involved in performance-based Christianity.

        I like this site, too, but have friends & family still imbedded in controlling, pastor-worshipping churches. If they could associate GR with me, they would be coming after me, and/or I would lose any influence with them. As it is now, they will listen, and I can point out flaws in the system. If I ID’d myself, they would just label me a heretic or an apostate and not listen to anything I say.

        So, I say long live anonymity…

        Thanks for the poem.

    3. Brilliant forgery, by the way. The sad thing is that it’s indistinguishable from the real thing.

      Maybe Pastor “Edacity” could write an advice column:
      “W.O.E. Unto Thee”.

      1. Thanks; it’s a little worrying that I can still hear their kind of voices so clearly after being “out” for a decade.

  36. I’m thankful my dear wife, Bertha, doesn’t wear those suggest pendants that point to her cleavage and cause men’s hearts to sin and to cause a swelling of lust to occur in the loins of otherwise godly men. I’m thankful my preacher taught me that wearing a tie is a sign of Biblical manhood and that those who note that it points to my naughty bits in a phallic sort of way are just liars from the pits of hell!

  37. The Lord has laid on my heart such a thankfulness, bless God. In his eternal wisdom and love he has seen fit to give me these enormous burning warts on my toes . Yes, friends, God’s holy Word says there has no temptation taken you but such is common to man, and elsewhere says to count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations. I wouldn’t know all these verses by heart if I wasn’t struck by these warts. These divers warts are God’s way of keeping me on my knees. Without these here warts I wouldn’t be the prayer warrior you see me as today. Why, just this week while I was sitting on the side of the road with my car broke down, I was thinking how thankful I was for all the sufferings God has blessed me with, uncommon sufferings, sufferings that have driven me close-ter to him. Without these sufferings, and many more, God knows, too numerous to mention, who knows, bless his Name, where I’d be today. In some pool hall, bless God, or at home watching the devil-box, or out gallivanting around. And such were some of you. But ye were warshed, bless God, in the blood of the Lamb, but I needed his saving Power more than y’all, as the chieftest of sinners . . . . . . .

    And on it goes interminably, until everyone is drowsy with the Spirit.

    2. LOL. Love all the “Bless God” stuff. Who says fundies don’t have liturgy?

      What I missed not growing up fundy!

      But then, OTOH, y’all missed being taught by Mean Nuns….

      1. Here’s to Sister Lucidia, ear twister, extraordinaire, and Sister Marcelinette, whose fragrance of mothballs wafted gently into my nostrils as she laid me over her lap, swatting me soundly with her oaken hand while I counted them silently to myself, and Here’s to Sister Agnes Marie, who, in a fit of uncontrollable anger, threw a wood maraca at Sean Haugh, whose hardened head was sufficient to break the mariachi instrument on impact, scattering the previously encased beads all over the classroom.

        No hard feelings… They did what they could. (None of the names have been changed. No one was innocent.)

      2. And knuckle-whacking, senile old Sister Laurentana.

        Catholic grade school and the Baltimore Catechism were very effective at creating this atheist.

      3. CGC,

        What do you mean y’all?

        Born, raised, and confirmed Catholic. Haven’t said the rosary in an awfully long time though and it’s been over 30 years since my last confession.

        I did go to public schools, however; which were and are Nun Free Zones.

  38. I’m thankful that when one of those heathen store workers says “Happy Holidays,” I can be a good witness by telling them it’s “Merry Christmas!” in the most righteous voice I can muster.

    1. 😡 ah-ah-ah, it does not count if they don’t recoil in scorn or shame. They (the heathen store workers) have to REALIZE you are a REAL TRUE CHRISTIAN and that they are not, and that you have unmasked their comments for the hateful attacks that they are. 🙄

      1. And heavens help us if anyone ever returns your godly, amen-hallelujah, borned-again, “Merry Christmas,” with that unbelieving, Cat-lick, “Blessed Advent” nonsense, hay-man?

  39. I am thankful for:

    My hair that does not touch the collar.
    Wearing a suit and tie in the middle of July.
    Four-point pocket squares.
    A sharp razor. We don’t need to cultivate on our face what grows wild on our ass. Amen?

    1. I’m thankful that my shoes are shiney, unlike my poor back-slidden brethren who don’t feel it important to look their best when entering the house-o-gawd.

  42. As I sit at this dinner table Lord, I am thankful that Imna American and that you gave us (the best nationality on the planet) your Authorized King James Version 1611 scriptures. Bless all them that dont speak anglish, help them to learn it soon os that they can be saved too. We are thankful that we’re unlike the heathen who read the ESV (Evil Satanic Version). Thankya for keepin our younger children in the home to get proper schoolin from mama. Thank you that we are not influenced by the world on a daily basis. We will always remember to “be in the world, and not OF it”. Thank ya that little Timmy is trainin for the ministry out back of the church in that single wide trailer that you graciously gave us for our college start up. Thank you that Suzie can play the piana so she can find a good husband and serve you by serving him. Bring our wayword daughter Charlotte back home from taking part in the things of the world, last we heard she was going to a public university to obtain one of dem degrees for a medical career, we know mother hood is the only Godly career for a woman. Last but not least, Thankya for allowing our family to have a good thanksgiving dinner with out the desire to fill our stomachs with the devils drink. Tankya for seconds thirds and fourths as well…and leftovers, aaamen

    Oh, and bless all the missionaries, and little hungry kids round the world that were less fortunate than us, aaamen.

    1. Just make sure the prayer goes on long enough for all the food to get cold, y’hear? Otherwise you’re not thankful enough. 😛

  43. After several difficult years, I have so many blessings this year that I cannot even joke about it. So I guess I will have to say, “I am thankful I do not have a sense of humor like the Stuff Fundies Like gang.” (No wait, camp. If I talk like a Fundamentalist, it’s the “Stuff Fundies Like Camp.”

  44. I am thankful for facebook because I can use it to spy on … er, rather, look out for my brothers and sisters in the Lord. If it were not for fb, I couldn’t let people know about how early I got up to spend time in my prayer closet. I couldn’t send warnings to people posting links to CCM videos or quotes by Tim Keller or C. S. Lewis. I couldn’t pass on encouraging links to blog posts about modesty and proper wifely behavior.

    I do have a friend who scolds me for being on facebook; she believes it opens a door to the devil. But I’d like to ask HER if she has even witnessed to ONE person today, while I’ve been a witness to all my 1,033 facebook friends every time I post another picture of a sunset with a Bible verse.

    1. PW, you have a gift. A lot must go on in your world to come of with these nuggets of reality clothed in vitriol sarcasm!

      This is the very reason I’m not on facebook anymore.

  45. Our dear heavenly Father,

    Thou dost know the wickedness of our hearts, that we are but dust. We thank Thee, Lord, that thou has saved us from our deserved place in hell. I thank Thee that Thou hast gifted Thy people with understanding of Thy word that we could proclaim it from this sacred desk with boldness so that many would come to the saving knowledge of Thy Son. Now, may Thy people cloth themselves with hearts of obedience as your humble servant spreads before them a banquet of feasting, which is Thy word which cannot be questioned. (ten minutes later…)

    Root out from among us evil hearts rebellion! Now, Lord, annoint my lips with a mighty annointing of Thy Spirit as I take my feeble twenty hours of preparation throughout a week of hospital visitation and fervant soul winning and herein now preach!

    And all God’s people said? Haymen!

  46. I’m so thankful for fundies like Phil Kidd and Jack Hyles that make me feel better about my legalistic baggage. It’s good to have someone to make me feel like I’m not so bad after all.

  47. I’m so thankful for Vision Forum because those Calvinistic patriarch sex scandals took the heat off the ole IFB for five minutes.

    See, that wouldn’t happen in my camp, Amen? We’re premillennial and don’t believe in all that reformed jibberish either. Legalism, I say! Legalism!

    Now read that KJV before you go to hell.

  49. I’m thankful that my wife and I never held hands or kissed before we were married.
    (spoiler… We weren’t married yet, so she technically wasn’t my wife!)

  50. I’m also very thankful that Taco Bell turned off the wicked music they had playing after I made a scene about it. Once I reminded them that I was a paying customer (I bought the $2.29 special meal deal), threatened to take my business elsewhere (plus warn the other folks in my church), and brought them to a screeching halt during their busiest time of day by demanding to speak to the manager, they finally turned it down. I them told them to make my order “to go” and left them a tract. I’m glad I was a blessing to all the other patrons that didn’t have to be subjected to that music anymore, plus, I got to witness to people I would have never met in church.
    Halleloosky!

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