Odds and Ends

Friday Challenge: Conspire

197 Comments

Today’s challenge (suggested by reader John) is to make your own conspiracy theory in good fundamentalist style. Blame the prolific use of microwaves for the drop in church attendance. Suggest that mind control drugs put into communion wine is responsible for the inexplicable popularity of  Ke$ha.  Help us understand how increased cell phone usage will be instrumental in the fiendish world domination plans of the beast, the false prophet, and the entire cast of Glee.

197 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Conspire”

    1. And Welch’s is (supposedly) a major supporter of the John Birch Society. 😈

      1. The Welch that funded the John Birch society was owner of the Welch candy company the maker of Sugar Daddy’s, Sugar Babies etc. not the nice people who make the grape juice.

  3. I hate to break it to you all but SFL is actually a cooperative effort of six fundamentalist organizations to identify dissidents in their midst.

    You’ve all been duped.

    1. All Fundamentalist organizations are dissidents, according to all the others.

      “WE are the only ones with true knowledge.”

    2. They’re wasting their time.
      I’ve self-identified as a dissident since I was in kindergarten.

    3. You almost had me till I noticed the word “collaborative.” We all know fundy organizations don’t collaborate. 😛

      1. Make that “cooperative.” George, it’s not nice to take advantage of a mom who’s exhausted from feeding twins all night long.

    4. The 6 fundamentalist churches comment is a red herring. Don’t let Darrel fool you, the real purpose behind SFL is:

      SFL was started to draw in wayward Fundies and brainwash them to be more and more liberal, ultimately to be converted to Democrats by the Benevolent Dictator’s Obama Year spin-off blog. Anyday now we will all find we have been registerd as Florida democrats for the next election.

      😈

      1. Of course those votes will also be counted in Chicago… and any other blue state where the outcome is in question.

        1. Chicago, only place I know where dead people can still vote, and often more than once, as Mayor Daley proved again and again and again… 🙄
          You’ve learned from only the best, Don.

        2. Don, you better be careful. You’re going to start to offend the board when you make comments that don’t put Socialism/Democratic Party in the best light. Granted, I think we all realize that Big Gary is not a real person and is just a paid poster, but he does represent the ethos of the blog: pro-socialism and anti-capitalism.

  4. Debit cards were the beginning of the end times….the mark of the beast! LOL

    1. You laugh, but I actually know a couple that refuses to get an Ingles discount card because it’s part of a conspiracy to pave the way for the Mark of the Beast and the Antichrist.

      This is not a drill…

      1. I know a few people, one an IFB pastor, who won’t get any store discount cards because they “don’t want to be tracked”. I tell them just don’t buy liquor and prescriptions together.

        I, for one, like the fact that Kroger gives me coupons for free baby carrots. They know it brings me back to their store from my purchase history.

        1. What about enslaved baby carrots, poor little guys? How much difference is there in price? :mrgreen:

    2. I remember my dad (who was actually not that fundy) saying this out loud in front of me one evening before Wednesday night service. Fortunately, I rather enjoyed hearing about end times prophecy and eschatology so it didn’t scare me.

      I just face palm when I remember this sort of thing. I now have an affinity for paranormal shows on SYFY.

      1. “I now have an affinity for paranormal shows on SYFY.”

        Same song, different verse.

    3. Actually, it’s credit cards in general. I’ve heard it preached more than once that those pieces of plastic were the beginning of the end; once we got used to using them, it would be just a small step to getting the “Implant” (cue scary music here).

  5. Every major retailer, from Macy’s to KMart, is conspiring to keep dresses and skirts (evening gowns don’t count) out of their stores so women will be forced to wear pants.

    Yes, I have heard this one from the Sacred Desk© on multiple occasions

    1. Then why is it that every store I go to, from Target, to Sears, to Dillards, have many dresses to choose from? Dresses that are casual, or career, or even good for church? They even have long ones, ones with a conservative top part, and sleeves of all lengths? How do the MOGs explain that? (Besides, shouldn’t all good Fundy women sew? Even we liberal SBC types do that!) 😆

      1. I love that the latest style is those ankle-length sundresses. They’re so comfortable–and not even a nun could complain about the hemline!

        2. So now their standards need to be revised. Dresses need to be below the knee or to the floor, but not to the ankle.

        3. @ShaneS, back when skirts came in basically 3 lengths (mini, midi, & maxi), the women @ BJU were allowed to wear only the midi-length skirts. The minis were immodest & the maxis were worldly.

        4. Weird. I can see the logic behind thinking that showing more of your legs is “immodest,” but not that showing even less of your leg is also somehow wrong.

          Another example of loving their rules for their own sakes.

  6. Several years ago, Dannon lite yogurt advertised with the tag line, “100 Calories. 0% Fat. Proof that there is a God and she is a woman watching her figure.” I actually listened to a fundy radio show that ranted about this for a whole hour. They were urging people to call Dannon to complain, and then pointed out that their customer service number 877-326-6668(877 DANNON US) proved they were evil because of the 666 at the end 🙄 I told my husband that we needed to start listening to something else because those people were crazy!

    1. i guess it would be wishful thinking to think that they were complaining about the fact that it’s a sexist slogan and not because they called god a woman, right?

      1. who could? When I lived in Charleston in the ’80s I remember one radio preacher who would always, ALWAYS go into meltdown over Speaking In Tongues. I could barely understand what he said, as he got so upset. 🙄

        1. Of course, royalties were paid to the Coen brothers for the clip used from O Brother Where Art Thou. Of course. Of course.

    2. Hahaha! Lou Rossi brought up that one in a message he preached at my old fundy church about “signs of the end times”.

  8. Ever wonder why kids are required to have 28 vaccinations now when the state only required 9 30 years ago? It’s so people will be used to injections when the Beast implants his chip into everyone.

    1. 28: 8-2 = 6
      9: 3×3

      There used to be 9, a multiple of 3…the perfect number. Now there are 28 which is another way of saying 6. Satan has taken that which is pure, the 9, and corrupted it with the 28. So that the end result is 666.

      We know this is true because God warns us that the Evil Number™ is the Mark of the Beast (Rev 13:16-18), so anyone who vaccinates their kids has forced them to get the Mark of the Beast. That’s why all the vaccinated kids act demonic and only the Separated™, Sanctified™, and Soul-winning™ kids will make it to Heaven.

      2. Where is Shoes when we need him?! We could use some of his unique brand of numerology now!

  9. Movie theaters have the special ability to turn every movie into an evil satan worshipping endeavor. However, if you buy the movie at Walmart, or rent it at the video store, it’s fine. Walmart makes things un-evil.

    1. Good to know the ouija board I bought there is ok! I suppose the one from Toys R Us would’ve been dripping with evilness.

  10. Well, Obamacare is going to require all of us to be fitted with a microchip. So, I suppose that makes the President the anti-Christ?

    1. I had ID microchips put in my cats.
      Does that make ME the AntiChrist?
      Oh, noes! 😯

      1. Now u catz no longer going to be raptured to live 9 eternities with Ceiling cat but will be cast down to spend 9 eternities with Basement cat! 😈

        1. That made me laugh till I coughed and I almost peed myself. Internet winz + 10 points for that one.

  11. We had this one guy who would practically swear that black helicopters patrolled his land from time to time because the government knew he was a believer who was prepared for the End Times. It was crazy.

    1. I suspect there is a serious psychological issue behind claims like you mention, but I always wanted to ask the nutters – why on earth would the government care a hoot about you? Not wanting to risk a disassociative personality episode, I always kept my mouth shut, though.

    3. Oh, there are black helicopters. They just painted them other colors so we wouldn’t know they were black. 😉

    4. It’s been pointed out before that any aircraft viewed at a distance through slight haze or humidity will appear black.

      The one about the factory stickers on the backs of highway signs being coded directions to the nearest concentration camp in which all Real True Christarepublimericans will be interned aaaaaany day now makes me chuckle. We have those stickers too. We live on an island.

      1. Has anybody cracked said code yet? Might be useful in order to find these camps; they’re probably all in Montana, near the unicorn ranches. :mrgreen:

  12. Secular Humanists are secretly joining fundamentalist churches with the purpose of acting as “wolves in sheep’s clothing.” They are going through the motions in order to attain positions of trust and responsibility in the churches. They are now leading youth groups, teaching Sunday school, leading worship, even preaching in some cases. Once trust is gained, they are gradually introducing liberal elements to their ministries. They do this so slowly and so under the radar that few of the saints even notice. By the time they do start to notice, the wolves have solid backing from a substantial portion of the congregation and have introduced lies from the pit of Hell into the Body. At this point, nothing good can come of it. Of course, the cancer must be removed but doing so almost always leads to a schism and eventually a church split. The net result is one greatly weakened True Local Church and one new Liberal Heretic church, along with several disconnected individuals leaving the church, and even Christianity altogether. Obviously, this has been going on for centuries and will eventually lead to a complete collapse of Christianity. That’s all I can write for now, I have to get back to my meeting of the Wolves in Sheeps’ Clothing, Local #666. 😛

  13. Rock music has a beat that goes against you natural heartbeat. That why so many rock stars died young, the music gave them heart attacks.

    1. I remember that one, specifically the use of “We Will Rock You”: boom-boom-BOP, boom-boom-BOP, and how it went “the wrong way” to the human heart’s boomp-bum-bum. boomp-bum-bum, which, come to think of it, is also the rhythm of the oh-so-evil-because-you’re-TOUCHING waltz. 👿
      It also encourages you to try Domino’s Pizza and OceanSpray Cranberry juice. 😎

      1. This one was always too much for me. The heart never naturally goes, BEAT-beat-beat. that would be classified as a heart murmur. The natural beat of the heart is BEAT-beat, BEAT-beat,etc. While this does lend itself to the fundy argument that the accent should be on the 1st and 3rd beat, it completely kills the whole “Wicked 3rd beat” theory.

        Some much craziness in the attempt to defend their positions.

      2. Actually, the human heart normally only goes lub dub. An extra heart sound (either S3 or S4) is considered abnormal.

    2. Chuck Berry is 86, Little Richard is 80, Keith Richards and Mick Jagger are 69, and Paul McCartney is almost 71. All still rockin’.

    4. Do you remember the documentary, “They Sold Their Souls for Rock and Roll”?

      1. Well, how else would their music sound so AWEsome? 👿 😎 (runs to hide from coming lightening bolt)

  14. We had an evangelist come to my old church one day and preach a very lengthy sermon on the end times, culminating with his assertion that JFK will be the Anti-Christ, stating that he was not, in fact, killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, and was instead whisked away to a secret bunker where he is awaiting the right time to start the Apocalypse.

    1. He’d better get started soon. If JFK is still alive, he just turned 96.
      Or do AntiChrists live longer than other people?

      1. He’s using the same model of Life Extender Machine as Hitler and Elvis, evidently.

        3. For my entire career of teaching high school history, every single year, I had kids insisting to me that Hitler was still alive somewhere. Since I began teaching history in 1997 and Hitler was born in 1889, I always assumed I should win that argument easily–that even if they did not believe he died in the bunker in 1945, they should be able to grasp that he was certainly dead by now. I never did. Not even in 2010 when the discussion came up somewhere around his 121st birthday. 😯

        4. You don’t have to be a Fundy to make claims about 👿 Hitler; some ideas are just too good to let go. 🙄

    2. No, no, no. He’s actually a black guy who will team up with Elvis to stop an ancient demonic mummy from taking the souls of the elderly!

      (/obscure movie reference)

        4. I’m guessing “greenlit” is probably more correct, but I could be wrong on both of the past tense of that verb.

        5. It was made on a very low budget (by movie standards). Even so, I don’t know, either, how you talk someone into giving you their money to make this kind of movie.

    3. My high school Sunday school teacher told us this. That everyone who cared for JFK “died”. The teacher later left his wife and baby, got a mail order bride for
      the Phillipines. He now lives over there, and is a good Bible believer, active in his church.

      There are still those who believe this about JFK. My sister works at the National Cemtery outside Springfield, IL. A few weeks ago someone came in looking for a relative. The lady then asked my sister how many nursing homes are in TX. My sister said, “a lot”. To which the woman said, yes but there is one that has JFK. He wasn’t killed. My sister said, yes he is dead and is burning at Arlington National Cemtery in DC. Then the lady said, you know that there isn’t anyone buried in the Tomb of the Unknowns. It is the place where the government keeps all of its secret papers.

      At this point my sisters boss called her on the phone, laughing asking if she needed help. There are still crazy people.

    4. 😛 My high school Sunday school teacher told us this. That everyone who cared for JFK “died”. The teacher later left his wife and baby, got a mail order bride for
      the Phillipines. He now lives over there, and is a good Bible believer, active in his church.

      There are still those who believe this about JFK. My sister works at the National Cemtery outside Springfield, IL. A few weeks ago someone came in looking for a relative. The lady then asked my sister how many nursing homes are in TX. My sister said, “a lot”. To which the woman said, yes but there is one that has JFK. He wasn’t killed. My sister said, yes he is dead and is burning at Arlington National Cemtery in DC. Then the lady said, you know that there isn’t anyone buried in the Tomb of the Unknowns. It is the place where the government keeps all of its secret papers.

      At this point my sisters boss called her on the phone, laughing asking if she needed help. There are still crazy people.

      1. I’ve always been amused by how knowledgeable and in-the-know some people think they are even though they have no government connections whatsoever, and their only source of information is internet conspiracy websites and pulpit conspiracy theories. 😆

        1. Never ever underestimate the power of the grapevine. 😛 😈 🙄 😎

  15. The one I always remember is that flouride in the water is there to facilitate the eventual one world government, can’t have been much of a fundie because I could never work out how.

    1. I’m guessing that the fluoride has something to do with a man’s “precious bodily fluids”. 😈

    2. I specifically remember Kent Hovind saying something about t 👿 his one, or maybe it was hormones and milk, or both… And that it was a method for weakening the mind for mind control

      1. Kent Hovind never saw or heard a conspiracy theory he didn’t like and incorporate into his presentations.

        Of course then he conspired against the government’s tax policies. Oops. 🙄

    3. I have one question regarding fluoride “have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water”?

  16. God has forbidden bearing false witness against your neighbor, all of which falls by the wayside if you are inventing conspiracies and naming conspirators. You’ll always find an anti-KJV conspiracy behind every bush, the impending rapture by people who can’t see the Kingdom, numerology by people who can’t do math, and suggest “the government” is capable of impossible science by people who haven’t even so much as read an issue of Kid’s Answers, and pretty much just driving people to fear men (the MoG included) instead of nurturing a godly fear of God.

    1. Absolutely correct, brig. It can even obscure the Gospel and Christ’s finished work for us wherein we find peace and hope in this evil world. Even if there are conspiracies, so what? We have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. These teachings cause the opposite result of growing the grace and knowledge of Christ and can literally cause mental illness.

  17. The Masons, secretly controlled by the Illuminati (and with Obama’s explicit approval, because, you know, he’s a 33 degree Mason and therefore an instrument of Satan), have collaborated with the Chinese to implant remote-controlled and virtually-undetectable heaters under the world-s largest glaciers and the ice caps. That’s why it LOOKS like global warming is actually occurring, even though those of us who are True Believers know that’s all hogwash. Now that the ocean levels are rising, thanks to the fiendish schemes of the New World Order, we will never be able to build a bridge to span the Bering Strait, thereby thwarting our IFB missionaries from reaching even the most remote areas of Russia to spread The Good News. Until that time when the promise of Matthew 24:14 (KJV, amen?) is fulfilled, there is no hope of our LORD Jesus Christ returning to this wicked and fallen world. Thus proving that Justin Bieber is the Anti Christ.

    2. The fact that ocean levels are rising at all is a fiendish, satanic plot to make God out a liar since the Bible says there will never again be a world-wide flood. A cabal of powerful wealthy unbelievers are influencing energy usage in the world purposefully trying to make the world hot, melt the ice caps and flood the world so they can make God fail to keep His Word.

      (Utterly fabricated per order of the Friday Challenge)

  18. This organic foods business is a new world order illuminati plot. They’re trying to get all of us off of pesticides, so that they can threaten to cut off our food supply by introducing locusts. Locusts have six legs, need I say more? And Jubal was the father of all such as handle the organ, i.e., organic foods. Jubal was of Cain, of the ungodly line from Adam. So organic foods are ungodly, and you should not even be seen going down the organic foods aisle. Stay away from that hippy food.

    2. I heard literally the opposite from one group of real live fundies I knew growing up . . . food additives were the government’s way of mind-controlling the populus by giving them uncontrollable cravings and making them sick. That’s why organic was so important!

      1. that was before going green was a “thing”. now that’s its been co-opted (by ‘them’) I’ll bet you don’t hear that any more.

    3. Jubal was of Cain and the father of all who handle the organ?

      …snicker…

      Childish gutter mind over…maybe. 🙂

    4. Not to mention salt. Those hippy foods are always lacking in it. And if the salt has lost its savor wherewith is the world gonna get salted, brother?

      Dr. Hyles warned of this in his Salvation of a Nation sermon where he talked about the Covenant of Salt. And it sure wasn’t no sissy Sea Salt! Can I get an Amen?

      http://www.jackhyles.com/saveusa.htm

      1. More Hyles craziness.
        The salvation of the nation is up to Hyles personally, and guess what? He’s saving us!

        Folks, this is what idolatry looks like.

  19. My grandparents raised me on Jack Van Impe so there’s not a conspiracy theory out there that’s new to me.

  20. Smart phones that can read credit cards are simply one more step to the mark of the beast. Soon the Obama administration (because we know he is the forerunner to The Anti-christ) will require everyone to have a smart phone. They will be issued at birth and registered with the gummit.

    1. The federal government giving me a brand-spankin’-new smartphone? Sign me up!!

  21. I will post two. One that I made up and one that I have heard fundies propose in all seriousness. See if you can guess which is which.

    Conspiracy 1: The Muslim community celebrates Eid every year. Since Arabs read from right to left this reminds them if their duty to die for Islam.

    Conspiracy 2: One of the founders of Arab nationalism (and the Baath party) was named Michel Aflaq. Every time the Aflac duck quacks it is secretly a call for Arab nationalism.

    Guess which one I made up?

    2. I’m guessing #1 is the made up one, since it employs at least a little scholastic knowledge about Arabic, and I usually don’t associate Fundys with scholarship.

    3. Does that mean Schaap’s theory of “Saved Agnostics” is wrong too?

    4. Scorpio chose correctly. They are both nuts so feel free to email them to your uncle crazy pants.

  22. Revelations talks about how in the end times, animals will be responsible for killing 1/3 of the world’s population. India has around a billion people and we know Hindus don’t eat meat. Muslims don’t eat pork. But in the end times, animals are going to rise up against what the good Lord ordained. Remember that back in Genisis, God gave us Dominion over all the beasts. Well, some religions out there are too scared to do what God told us, and to actually eat meat like God commanded. Jews won’t eat pork and neither will Muslims. Well, the good Lord knew what he was talking about. The God of the Bible wants us to eat meat to show them animals who is boss. Have you ever seen a pig angry? Well I’d never want a pig comn’ after me, specially if the Lord was on his side.

    Because in the end times, all those animals are gonna rise up ‘gin them evil Hindus and Muslims and Jews and vegetarians who think they’re better than us meat-eaters (which probably makes up a third of the population) and God’s going to use his righteous judgement to wipe out all of those sinners that aren’t following God’s law. God’s going to take out all the Hippies of the world in one fell-swoop. BAM!

  24. Bill Clinton is going to lead the United Nations in establishing the New World Order, along with Pres. Bush who will refuse to step down after two terms.

    Oh wait, that’s not made up, my older old pastor said that. SMH.

      1. Whoa, back up the truck. Wasn’t Bush supposed to be God’s true warrior for all that was pure and holy?

  25. ok, here’s a sampling of ones I’ve ACTUALLY heard:
    Santa Claus is actually the Antichrist
    When Y2K arrives, America will be plunged into a post-apocalyptic chaotic state which will usher in the one-world government (that one kind of fizzled once the year 2000 arrived)
    Having a social security number will lead to enslavement by the Beast when he takes over
    Britney Spears was having sex with the Antichrist
    the lyrics to hip hop music have been designed by the Illuminati to contain Satanic doctrine to subliminally convert the black community to Satanism
    all the fashion designers who make womens’ clothing are either secretly or openly gay, and they are purposely designing womens’ fashions to be slutty and/or ridiculous in order to shame women and cause them to be sexually objectified and disempowered.
    Aspartame is added to foods and beverages in order to make us sick so we’ll be dependent on the government for healtchare

    You know I was going to make up a fake conspiracy theory, but these are so much more fun!

    1. “Britney Spears was having sex with the Antichrist” Yeah, I read that in the National Midnight Star a while ago, the same issue that had that story of Lady Gaga running for Congress, or maybe it was the one about the affair of George Bush and RuPaul. :mrgreen:

      1. actually that one is courtesy of a fundamentalist pastor I sat under. Who I’m sure did NOT read the Enquirer because he always told us he averted his eyes in the aisles at Walmart, invoking the verse “look not to your right hand or to your left.” :mrgreen:

        1. That must have made it really difficult to find things on the shelves, what with having to walk sideways while facing the shelf, then do it again for the other side. Probably ticked off other shoppers, too.

        2. oh you should have heard his spiel about driving in the city and avoiding seeing the billboards 🙂

        3. This dude sounds like a menace to society.
          How many shoppers and pedestrians has he run down?

        4. notice how it did not include “peering over the shoulder of the rather woman in front of you” 😀

    2. My dad told me a version of the gay fashion designers story in an effort to get me to stop being friends with gay people. I ignored it.

      1. it was frequently cited as a reason not to shop at Target when I was a teen :mrgreen:

  26. Scientists made up the fossil records and lied about the real age of the earth in order to cause believers to doubt their faith.

    And Sesame Street and Mr.Rogers and Doctor Seuss were all conspiring to indoctrinate your children with….niceness or something equally nefarious. :mrgreen:

      1. We couldn’t watch Sesame Street or Barney because of the unisex clothes (overalls) and/or dancing children.

  27. oh, can’t forget the Teletubbies, a show which was created specifically to pave the way for the gay rights movement!
    Or the subliminal messages in Disney movies urging kids to go out and have sex!

      1. both of those I’ve actually heard . . .
        supposedly the purple teletubby is gay. Not only is the actor inside the suit gay, but the teletubby himself boinks up against other teletubbies in a suggestive manner.

  28. Don’t forget TBN and The PTL Club are a big no-no. Same goes for the 700 club.

    No CCM music.

    No drums!!!!

    Men can’t wear shorts or sandals.

    Women can’t wear “Britches”

    No going to the movie theatre.

    If you go to the ball game, wear ear plugs so you can’t listen to the worldly music being played over the PA system.

    Fundamental colleges forbid athletic competition against other schools. PCC was suppose to organize the first ever IFB National College Basketball tournament but all parties involved couldn’t agree on an exact location and CBS wouldn’t air the games.

    The NIV, NKJV, ESV, RSV, and all other forms of the Bible are wrong there say “Hay-men”

    Swimming is wrong.

    Going to the beach is wrong.

    Some churches (OBC) has their “Preacher Boy-Popcorn Rally” where each student will “preach” for 5 minutes then the “M.O.G.” will decide the winner. All those attending get free nachos and Blue Raspberry Kool-Aid after the show.

    All boys must wear belts and keep there shirts tucked in.

    And the big one that Hyles and every other IFB bigwig has commanded: No shorts on women, no mini-skirts, and no facial hair on men!

    In the words of the great LB (try to figure out who’s initials these are)

    “Ye soldiers of the cross. Lift up they voice like a TRUMPETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! Every preacher needs a big mouth!!

  29. All of this “marriage equality” stuff you’re hearing about has nothing to do with equal rights. Sodomites are promiscuous pervert child molesters, so they don’t even care about having families. What the government really wants to do is legalize sodomite “marriage” as a way of attacking Christians. Once they are allowed to get married, churches that refuse to perform these ceremonies, admit them as members, or allow them in leadership positions will be labeled as hate groups and lose their tax exempt status. We then won’t be able to pay the property taxes of our churches, and we’ll lose our buildings. This is all about silencing churches!

    100% accurate.

  31. Unisex hair salons are the tool of the debil to break down the distinction between a man and a woman. men should get their haircut at a barbers shop, not a hair salon. Oh, wait, I didn’t make that up. That was Bob Jones III back in the 1970’s.

    1. That almost makes a loopy sense in one respect; there is a considerable different in price between a basic barber shop haircut, and all the fussin’s & fixin’s carried out in some hoity-toity “hair salon”. I still recall the flap over Bill Clinton’s $200 “hair cut”. 🙄

      1. Oop, meant “differenCE” not “differenT”; George is the distracting little bugger at times. 😳

  32. “Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving
    Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving.”

  33. One I learned from a Jehovah’s Witness (which may have just been his own oddness, or something they teach for all I know), is that the dinosaurs are a hoax and never existed. The fossils are all either fakes or “the appearance of age” theory espoused by 6 day creationists. I’ve of course heard that dinosaurs & human being coexisted for most of my life, I’d never heard of a dinosaur denial conspiracy theory until this guy.

    1. I think that one has been around in various permutations for a while. I believe my father was told as a young child that the fossils were put in the ground by God to test people’s faith. This was some arminianish sect, perhaps Church of God. I forget which one.

  35. The reason that the word “god” is not automatically capitalized on your smart phone and the word “Obama” is automatically capitalized is because smart phone makers hate God and want to destroy his name. It has nothing to do with the fact that the word “god” can be both a common noun and a proper noun. Saw something like that on facebook this morning.

  36. I didn’t get to read these til tonight and I noticed that I think the conspiracy theories we actually HEARD are outnumbering the silly ones we made up.

    1. And who’s to say the silly ones are all made up? Read Eco’s to see what I mean, heh-heh-heh 😈

  37. THEY (everybody else except US) are trying to do away with the AV. “The woman at the Christian bookstore even said that the AV is less and less common.” The day is coming when you won’t even be able to get your hands on one. (Ya’ CAN NOT make this stuff up!)

  38. I know for a fact that there is a conspiracy among some modern Jezebels to make good men of Gid fall into sin! If those women would just get straightened out us men wouldn’t have any problems. Satan is using those women to destroy men.

    1. Although by now even Satan’s repeatedly face-palming himself and groaning, “Another Jack Schaap wannabe? Oh come on, this is just too easy!” 😆

  40. Eve came from Adam’s Rib. Mary was immaculately conceived. Jesus didn’t come from sex.

    Proof that godly reproduction is without sex! We all knew sex was sinful, even if it’s done missionary style in marriage and both partners hate it. There is no such thing as good sex – it is by its very nature fallen.

    Reproduction was by parthenogenesis before the fall, and the most holy people in history managed it too. If we become holy enough, we shall no longer feel the lust, and we shall reproduce in the way that is not filthy!

    I am here to tell you that I, your precher, have reached this plane of godliness. Which is why that woman who defiles our church with her wicked claims that her three children are mine…is a liar from SATAN!

        2. bwahahahaha, yeah. If their goggles are thick enough I might even get lucky. 😯 😆

    3. “Mary was immaculately conceived”. That was from a fundamentalist? That sounds more like what they’d be complaining about the Catholics espousing.

  41. Anyone ever read Jack Chick’s “comics” about the Vatican? In them he “proves” that the Vatican is responsible for *everything* that happens in the world, from the American Civil war, and two World Wars, to the formation of Islam, Communism, and every other “Ism” you can think of.

    What more do you need to know? 😯

    1. I imagine the Pope wishes he were that powerful.
      As it is, he can’t even control the Catholics.

    2. Ah yes, those comics. I kind of believed them when I was a kid, until I actually thought it through.

    3. am i the only one who sees a lot of parrallels between jack chicks’s “literature and a document called “the protocols of the elders of zion” that was doing the rounds in the early 20th century?

      same idea. different bad guys.

      also i have been told that the acceptance of tattoos among christians is paving the way for the mark of the beast and the worship of the antichrist

  42. All folk furniture is built with Satanic symbols. That decorative wheel that you see so commonly in Amish furniture? A Satanic symbol. Yes, even the Amish have devil worshipping covens and those symbols are rampant through the culture and the cause of them still being in bondage. You will also find these devilish symbols in vintage quilt patterns. Be very cautious if you see a repeating pattern in fabrics, furniture and other decor. It is likely a devilish symbol. Be particularly aware if it can be construed in any way to have six sides. If you were to have any of these items in your house, they could very well be the cause of any sickness, bad attitudes and ill fortune.

    Also, pretzels are a Satanic symbol. Only buy the stick style pretzel, because the twists are bringing the Devil into your house.

    Why is it that most of us aren’t making this stuff up?

    1. I used to teach that the folded pretzels symbolized praying hands. Didn’t know I was telling the little kids the wrong thing.

      1. Big Gary and Strangely Warmed, that is how deep the conspiracy goes. It’s even being encouraged in churches! That arms folded praying things was probably started by a Satanist with the intention of infiltrating Christian homes with Devilish pretzel twists.

      2. I was also taught that they symbolized a child’s arms in prayer, but that they were invented by a monk and symbolized the way Catholics pray.
        there’s always pretzel sticks and pretzel nuggets if you want to avoid all appearance of evil . . . unless you want to go to the 2nd degree of separation and just eat saltines.

        1. I like Combos. Pretzels stuffed with cheese.
          Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………….

          My favorite would be the “tortilla pretzel” filled with jalapeno and cheese, but I can’t make them fit the theme, unless they are being used to help infiltrate the US with those Mexican Catholics.

        2. The pretzel nuggets stuffed with peanut butter are yummy and kind of addictive.
          They might avoid the appearance of evil, but they probably aren’t a good way to avoid a heart attack.

    4. Just wondering here, could the pretzel sticks and rods be considered phallic symbols and therefore be satanic?

    1. #1 – Anyone who could create a sermon out of that adorable commercial is an idiot.

  44. Pope Francis is the Antichrist, with Pope Benedict as the False Prophet.

  45. you know those little Magic 8 balls where you shake them and they tell your fortune? This is an abomination unto the Lord because it counts as divination. Also, 8 is purposely chosen because it is higher than 7, the number of God. This is a case of man deliberately setting himself up above God, like the Tower of Babel.

    so is this theory fundy authentic or BS?

  46. Didn’t Schaap or Hyles or some “famous” IFB claim that rock music came from Africa because of DRUMS!!

    One Christmas song you’ll never hear at a IFB church is “The Little Drummer Boy”

    1. Considering it’s played to death on every radio station and store soundtrack in the country, that’s almost a relief. 🙄

      1. Some IFb churches say “Drums are worse than drugs and alcohol.”

  47. Time change was scheduled for Sunday because they wanted to mess up people’s mornings and make them late for church. (Or early, depending on which way the clock was turning.) Oh and also, Disney put Wonderful World of Disney (Old TV show) on Sunday nights just to keep people from going to church. (Way back when there were no recording machines) I actually heard both of these in my youth. 🙄

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