158 thoughts on “E-mail From Fundies: Auto Correct Edition”

    1. Sometimes it makes you tunis if fundies know just how wired they lloyd when they witty thinks like this.

  3. My first thought was that this is a poe. But then I thought that this poe was so bad that it couldn’t possibly be an actual poe.

    Poe’ception?

  5. Silly words aside, notice his emphasis: on the hard work that fundies do. How can they not see that this is legalism, a works-based, outward performance religious system in which you earn your standing with God by how much you DO?

    1. Pastor’s wife is exactly correct. This is a perfect example of the fundy belief system. “What have YOU done”, “hard working”, “soul-winning”, it’s all about me and what I do. No need for Christ’s work on the cross when you have ME around.

    2. Oh dear… Ididn’t even notice that. No wonder they’re always so tired and burdened with that “we must look perfect and joyful so you will not gossip about us and will think we have more favor with God than you” expression on their faces when they are “doing church”. It’s a death cycle trying to do enough so God will find favor with them instead of…resting in God.

    3. Once again, someone (you) beat me to the point I was hoping to make — I was going to say “Performance-based Christianity at its best”

      After all, it’s all about me and what I do for God instead of being about the love of Jesus Christ and the awesome majesty of God.

        2. Gotta admit, that would make a great movie line, some well-armed Schwarznegger-type priest on a rampage against terrorists in the Holy Land. 😎 😆

        4. Mother Fundamentalist!! Lol!!! Lord Don that is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read!!! Bahahaha!!! 😆

      2. My Fundy doesn’t want to be thanked for stuff that she does because God won’t reward her in heaven since she was rewarded on earth.

        Was with my Baptist grandparents in FL for spring break one year. For “Resurrection Day” eveing services the choir was doing a cantata. My grandparents spent 10 deciding if they should take their Bibles to church. Being the good Methodist who used a pew Bible, I said if their isn’t any sermon why do you need it. The quick reply was “because it won’t look good if we don’t have one with us”. They took them and say it on the pew.

        At least in churches that encourage good works, it’s not to earn your salvation – but to help you be a part of the Kingdom here on Earth.

    4. If you work very hard on the wrong project, it availeth little.

      No matter how many years you work on a time machine, you still won’t be able to travel back to the 1940s.

  6. “Ferrying a reward in heaven” ironically reminded me of Charon ferrying the dead across the River Styx.

  7. HARD WERKING ES WRITE!!! PEEPLE FRUM THE IFB CHERCH DOWN THE RODE FRUM ME ARE ALLWAYS ASKING ME TO COME TOO THERE CHERCH WARE THE PREECHER USES THE KING JAYMES BUYBLE AND TROOTH IS GIVEN!

    NEVER MIND THAT I’M DOOING YARD WERK AND DONT HAVE THYME TO PRAYZE THEIR PASTURE WITH THEM. NO SIR!!! THEY ARE ON A MISHUN FOR GID 💡

    AND TELL ME HOW IFB PEEPLE ARE ALLWAYS SAYING THEY WIN SOLES TO GID?!?! DUSEN’T THAT GLORY BELONG TO JESUS ALONE?? 😕

  8. We have a glass of Merlot! That is what we do, after we preach the Message of good news to the poor, announce pardon to prisoners and
    recovery of sight to the blind, set the burdened and battered free.

    No where in the Bible does it tell us to win souls.

    Didn’t know the river Stux was in heaven, since the writer makes reference to ferrying.

    What is it with them and their rewards?

    2. “The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise” Proverbs 11:30

      “Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins” James 5:20

      1. You should read the whole chapter rather than slaughtering that verse (Prove 11). I’m not even reading the next part where you slaughter something in James.

        2. I have slaughtered nothing nor have I exegeted anything! I have merely quoted the Living Word of God, your responses are telling!

        4. Basic fundie Eisegesis error: The revealed written word of God is not the Living Word of God. (cf. John 1)

        5. EDIT: The error being fundies make the revealed word out to be the Living Word, equating scripture to Jesus Christ. Making the revealed word to be the fourth member of the trinity, which explains why so many worship the King James Bible. They believe that the King James Bible is Christ for the English Speaking people.

        6. Greg,

          I think they’re trying to tell you that Prov 11:30 isn’t necessarily a proof text supporting Saturday morning door-knocking. Rather, it is saying that a wise person has a winning personality; draws people to him. Unless we are to believe that the writer of the proverb was teaching the Jews to win souls for Jesus, several hundred years before the Jews even had a chance of understanding what their Messiah really meant to do. No, the cultural context of the Proverbs demands that we consider other possibilities.

          As for James 5:20, if you back up and include verse 19, it sounds like it is talking about going out after a Christian who has wandered, and restoring him to fellowship.

          That’s not to say that it is a bad thing to go witness to people and bring them to Jesus, as Philip did, and as Paul did in the marketplace and synagogue and anywhere else he happened to be. The point is simply to be careful about lifting a verse as a proof text, without considering the context.

        7. (Really to greg). You’re ignoring the context of the discussion. Your verses were in reply to Strangely Warmed’s comment that “nowhere in the Bible does it tell us to win souls.” You have found the phrase – it’s telling in its own way that you can only find it twice. The real point being made is that SW doesn’t see what IFBs call soul-winning commanded anywhere in the Bible. Your quotes, taken out of context, aren’t convincing. You’ve confused the label for the content, which is made all the easier by taking verses out of context. And of course you were practicing exegesis; you were using a text to refute a statement, and an understanding is implied. Elementary exegesis is still exegesis (BTW, that’s a noun). I’d agree that “slaughter” is strong, but I think you’re wrong in your exegesis of both passages.

        8. Poor greg. Sounds like he’s bought into some Hyles-ology (as so many fundies have), that becoming proficient in biblical exegesis will make you become a “deep lifer”. A derogatory term Hyles used to ridicule pastors and theologians who study scripture and preach expository, contextual sermons.

          Makes me laugh, how proud fundies are of their exegesis ignorance!

        9. @MSK greg definitely believes that verse was written by Pastor Solomon of Jerusalem’s First Baptist hundreds to thousands of years before Jesus in reference to their bus ministry. He regularly misuses it, and doesn’t care that he doesn’t fool anyone.

        10. Btw, this is too rich for me, and I can’t resist.

          I have slaughtered nothing nor have I exegeted anything! I have merely quoted the Living Word of God, your responses are telling!

          I don’t think there’s more then a few thousand fundamentalists on the planet who would dispute that you definitely didn’t exegete. #Frued

      3. The Proverbs reference is especially troublesome, since in the original Masoretic text “wins souls” can be read as “takes lives,” with something akin to a Vorlage of “violence” That makes for a strange combination of good and bad in one apposition, which no translator or textual critic has been entirely happy with. Discussing this is way beyond a simple post, but I’m now convinced that the KJV’s “wins souls” is a sketchy translation, especially in Modern English. Taken in context, it looks more like a description of the wise man’s life acting as example, attractant, or motivation to others – or that he does the opposite of the “murder” (oppression) cited in the prophets with the same verb.
        The passage in James again needs to be looked at in context. There it’s clearly about acting to bring back the wandering church member. Not “soul-winning” in the IFB tradition, exactly.

    3. “What is it with them and their rewards?”

      When you have built your life on earth out of a series of arbitrary rules and laws such that any outward sign of pleasure or fun could be construed as sinning; when you mandate manufactured joy and fun within a strict framework of approved places and people, then the idea of heaven as a respite and reward for the weary soul-winners and a place to watch all those sinners get their comeuppance is really the only true joy they know.

      1. And there’s no way to read the text that winning (or any other better translated word) in that verse has anything but a temporal meaning.

  10. Sentence for sentence translation (w/o autocorrect):
    I am much holier than you, shameful heathen. You have no right to criticize me, but I can criticize you.
    I plan to get things from God through arbitrary rules; you are scum of the earth, I hope you burn.
    Truth doesn’t matter as much as altar calls, especially because the salvation is based on works – the works of the evangelist.
    God is poor and helpless now because of you.

      1. Yes, I prefer to beerey myself. Of course, being the heathen that I am, I partake of the “dark” ale.

    2. Dear Guilt Ridden:

      That’s why SFL needs a resident socialist. So long as I’m here, Darrell can always point to someone and tell his critics, ‘see — it could be worse …’ 😆

      Christian Socialist

      1. Awesome service, brother! And I guess I’ll be the resident agnostic since Green Eggs seems scarce these days.

    3. Yep, I am a Democrat now – much to the dismay of my family. It was worse then becoming a United Methodist.

      At least my Fundy aunt hasn’t sent me a hate email, as she has done to my mom. Told her the reason she was in a bad car wreck and having health issues is because God is punishing her for not going to church.

      1. Just a word of warning, Don’t tell your clergyman father that you are a socialist. It was hard to tell which he took worse the leaving Christianity or the leaving of conservativism.

        2. The people that think the Pres is a socialist deserve all the concern trolling they get about their intelligence levels.

  14. I don’t think that anyone cares about what I’ve done for God. It is so trivial compared to what God has done for me.

    1. Assuming the typos are real, I’m guessing he used his phone, and it guessed at the wrong words. He probably meant “merit” and it got changed to “ferry” (things like that happen with swype on my phone a lot).

      1. I was thinking it was “earning” that got altered, but could be meritting as well. I’m curious which e-mail client could spell check this badly. I don’t think iPhone/Android/Outlook/Thunderbird would substitute “world” for a verb, or multiple times use “your” as a noun.

        2. I dunno, Rob. My i(idiot)Phone has made some really strange auto-corrects for me. Usually when I’m in a hurry and have trouble hitting the right/proper “button” and end up with made=up words.

          As much as I try to use proper spelling and grammar, even in texts, it does make for an interesting conversation when the auto-correct goes off on its own. Although, now that I have hacked my phone, I have auto-correct turned off. It works like a word processor now, with a red squiggly line under a misspelled word.

        4. Yeah, jailbreak, not hack. I now work the darkside, and don’t need auto-correct for mistakes. I make enough after being up after overnight 12 hour shifts.

    2. First you find a tame ferret. You could use a tamed raccoon, but it would take years to teach them to not steal the reward so not worth the bother. Next you fashion a small vest for the ferret which you can attach rewards – things like ‘Well Done!’ stickers, small tiaras, little princess wands, slap bracelets, WWJD bracelets; you get the idea. Next step it to hide from your ferret so it has to come find you to deliver the rewards! Remember, only take one reward at a time, unless you did something super duper good, then you can have two. Run and hide from the ferret again and repeat until the rewards have all been claimed, post it on your facebook, then reload the little sucker up with new rewards and begin all over again. Fun for the whole family. 😆

  16. “Winery” and “ferrying” just reveals what’s really in their hearts and their sins have found them out… and they call themselves fundamentalists!?!?

  17. Dear [Anon] Fundy E-mailer:

    Being a Christian isn’t about what we do for God; it is about what God has done for us. See the difference?

    Christian Socialist

    1. Dear [Anon] Fundy E-mailer:

      What? I pretty much have no idea what you’re saying.

      Kind Regards,
      Phil_style

      1. Dear phil_style:

        Jesus is greater than grammner. Who needs grammner?

        Christian Socialist

    2. Dear Christian Socialist:
      What? I pretty much have no idea what you’re saying.

      Kind Regards,
      [Anon] Fundy E-mailer

      :mrgreen:

  19. Off this topic, it looks as if the Chapter and Verse post has been removed. If so, I approve. Thank you. As for this topic, I’ve read essays with similar writing. The life of an English professor.

    7. Siiiiiimmmmms!!! *tackle hug* I’ve missed you (& your stories & insights).

      You picked a great day to return (I’d say that no matter what). 😆

    9. Sims, so good to see you post here again… Sorry you had to testify against Schaap, but hopefully, the witness protection program will keep you safe.

      :mrgreen:

      1. Our own Sims testified against Schaap??
        This is a story I haven’t heard yet.
        Please tell!

  21. I’m thinking this dude spent a bit too much time at the winery before firing off this email message.

  22. Classic IFB response: “You are not like me… that means you must not be saved!”

    I can guarantee this much (and I will shout it here for effect)ALL THE SOULS THAT THE IFB SOULWINNERS HAVE SAVED WILL SPEND ETERNITY IN HELL. On the otherhand those whom the Lord has saved will be in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ for all eternity. If you can’t see the difference then let’s talk.

  23. What did he do for God? Why, he started a website just so we can bash IFB people. It’s an amazing ministry.

    1. He didn’t start this website for God. He started this website to help those who have suffered as a result of the IFB. Of course, helping those who have been victimized at the hands of unrighteous religious leaders can certainly bring honor to God. It’s not about bashing but about helping. Perhaps you’ll be able to see that one day.

  24. This made my morning. Thanks for the laugh 🙂 Now all I can think about is planning a trip to the winery 😀

    1. And to quote the other Sheen —
      “You must remember to love people and use things, rather than to love things and use people.” 💡

  26. I think the work you do might actually bring people to Jesus. Unlike the “work” of the IFB which pushes many away. Especially their own (former) members like those that congregate here. I say might, not will, for those here who the IFB have permanently driven away from faith. 😉

  28. There is a consistent ignorance and pride in illiteracy in fundyism. Actual places of education are so scorned by fundies that they are doomed to never expand their minds above their tiny doctrines. They are a people who devolve on a daily basis. Each generation gets more ignorant the more insular they become.

  29. Poor guy, I would only hope he would see the truth of the IFB and come out one day.

    I remember writing letters like this to random ministries, Catholics, bars, etc thinking I would get an extra reward in heaven for rebuking them.

    I feel so embarrassed for that now.

    1. Me, too, ICO. 😳 When I think of the things I zealously did “for Jesus” that hurt or alienated people, I imagine Jesus doing a facepalm and saying, “Ohhh, no, don’t bring Me into this! That’s not what I meant.”

      1. Didn’t hand those out, but we were out at 3:00 AM putting door hangers on people’s homes. I can’t wait to get to Heaven to find out how many doors I have won!

      2. Wow. 😯 That guy is a special brand of crazy, right there. I wonder how many people he drives away from God by his abrasive tactics? 😥

  30. Dear [Anon] Fundy Emailer,

    I am not ashamed to call myself a Christian. There is no shame in Christ or salvation.

    If you believe this site “bashes” IFB people, you are either mistaken or misinformed. The site pokes fun at the legalism and doublethink that occurs nearly ubiquitously in Fundamentalism. We, the visitors and members of SFL, have nothing but sympathy for those ensnared in the Pharisaical trap of “look good and work hard for God.”

    I can’t speak for Darrell or any of the others here, but I have long since stopped doing good for any type of reward, in this life or the next. I seek only to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God and my fellow humans.

    The state of one’s soul is between that individual and the Almighty.

    I personally have found this website helpful in pointing out the difference between what Jesus said, lived, and asked me to follow and what my IFB leaders demanded of me.

    I agree the IFB are hard workers at religion. Many wish to please God and are led to believe the way to do that is soul-winning (with a hard-sell type formula that is off-putting to most in today’s culture) and giving financially to the church until it hurts.

    Pain and fatigue do not equal holiness. Jesus said, “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” If people in the IFB are finding their yoke hard and their burdens heavy, it is not that they are failing to trust Jesus enough, but rather because the leaders have heaped unnecessary rules and regulations upon them.

    Again, I cannot speak for Darrell, but I do my best to fulfill what God asks of me: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

    Blessings and peace to you,
    a Christian

  32. Hummm? This sounds like the guy (StuMarksez) commenting last night on a bunch of posts, defending Hyles/Schaap/IFBdom, but the spelling/grammer was much better. He asked the almost, same question at the end? Interesting.

  33. I’ve been out of IFBdom for a short time compared to some, but the Grace of God has enlightened my eyes to see where I was. I was exactly where this poor fundie soul is today. In regards to this commentor’s emphasis on work-based, outward religious performance, I’d like to share something from Tim Keller’s book Center Church, that explained so much to me about my old fundie church and many like it:

    “…it is possible to subscribe to every orthodox doctrine and nevetheless fail to communicate the gospel to people’s hearts in away that brings about repentance, joy, and spiritual growth. One way this happens is through dead orthodoxy, in which such pride grows in our doctrinal correctness that sound teaching and right church practice become a kind of works-righteousness. Carefulness in doctrine and life is, of course, critical,but when it is accompanied in a church by self-righteousness, mockery, disdain of everyone else, and a contentious, combative attitude, it shows that, while the doctrine of justification may be believed, a strong spirit of legalism reigns nonetheless. The doctrine has failed to touch hearts.”

    1. You remind me of my father’s favorite scripture:

      “If I speak in the tonguesa of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,b but have not love, I gain nothing.”

      1 Corinthians 13:1-3

    1. Sounds like he’s calling out Mark Neal former pastor at Oasis Church in Las Vegas…I seriously doubt MN would invite this lunatic to “preach”…

    2. This calls for my patented Sermon Translation Device (STD) (patent pending). For those who may have missed its debut last week, the STD is new technology that can distill any Fundy sermon to a few seconds of sound that preserve all the meaning and beauty of the original.

      Here’s what “Dr.” Larry Brown is saying:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=153xbn1k2H8

        3. Farting Hippo is code for IFB preaching.

          In the Larry Brown clip above you could put the hippo on the pulpit and achieved the same results.

        4. The farting hippo clip was hilarious and appropriate. However next time please post a warning, I was choking trying not to laugh too loud since I didn’t want to wake the baby from his nap.

        5. I thought the tail flailing about looks like fast-forwarded pulpit gestures.

          This clearly shows why the pulpits and furniture on the Fundie dias are made of either Fullashitem or the more common Bullshittem wood. Both of these two materials more compatable with what is being spewed from behind or (as in the video above) on top of the pulpits in the IFB.

    3. You’re joking, right?

      Baptist off the church sign, music “going south”, not heeding the words of Jack Hyles’ rantings (oops, I meant preaching),God’s Mercy on that pastor for forsaking all of these! Please!

    5. Men like “doctor” brown have done a lot of damage to the term baptist. Many people now associate baptist with being sexist, racist, screaming and yelling, bible thumping, ignorate, low mass churches full of uneducated people.

        1. A “high mass” church is an affluent main line Protestant church whose rites, rituals and form of worship are dignified. “Low Mass” generally equals “low class” or “no class”, a lot a yelling, screaming and rolling in the aisles.

    1. Actually I’m surprised they allow themselves to use smartphones. iPhone has the bitten apple on the back, a celebration of the fall in the garden of Eden! Android might have a cute robot now, but it’s based on Linux. And Linux might have a cute penguin, but it’s kith and kin of BSD, which has a DEVIL for a mascot! Blackberry is (or has been?) used massively by the evil libural givermints!

      No, put the phone down and go back to your Juno account with a traditional spell-check.

  38. It’s a minor point, but I’m also amused that he refers to fundies as “the IFB people.”

  40. When I was in my (early) 20s, I was foolish enough to engage in a debate with a (equally) young evangelist about his beliefs. The most apt words that I can think of are “pearls before swine.” How does one constructively engage totally irrational credos?

    1. After having many such debates myself, I’ve reluctantly concluded that there is no point in trying to engage such people constructively. If they were interested in rational thinking, they probably wouldn’t hold to irrational credos to begin with, or at least wouldn’t be so belligerent in defending them.

    2. Many of us want to have reasonable discourse with others because it is a part of the Golden Rule: it’s how we ourselves want to be treated.

      However, Proverbs warns us that some people cannot be talked to in this way:

      Fools despise wisdom and instruction (1:22).

      The mind of the intelligent seeks knowledge, But the mouth of fools feeds on folly (15:14).

      A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind (18:2).

      Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, For he will despise the wisdom of your words (23:9).

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