Women

Commandments Concerning Women

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housewife

When it shall come to pass that there shall be born into thy household a girl child then thou shall with all diligence teach her the commandments which I give unto thee this day that she be not a blot upon thee or thy church or the university in thy basement.

For women are a deep ditch and a narrow pit, tempting men perpetually to eat of the forbidden fruit. For so fell Eden and likewise fell Brother Tim’s Sunday School class when that little hussy had her way with him. Be always therefore watching and praying. And depending on which woman you’re watching you may need to pray even the more. Amen.

And upon thy wives and upon thy daughters and upon thy daughter’s daughters thou shalt with all diligence exercise “headship” (which we are pretty sure involves never doing the dishes). For in the day that they shall cause some young preacher boy to stumble and ruin his ministry then shall the congregation look at the women of thy house with derision and recall that one time when you let them wear pants to play in the snow and thy shame shall be great.

But if thou thyself should fall into the trap of a woman’s wiles be not downcast no greatly discouraged. It’s her fault and everybody knows it. For women were created in the beginning for the purpose that they should be a stumbling block to men (and sometimes also useful for housework.)

But concerning men we have no real commandment. Men are awesome except that they’re suckers for women.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements p 69.

146 thoughts on “Commandments Concerning Women”

    1. Yes! Long time reader, first time firster. I’d like to take this opportunity thank my mother, my friends, and all those who stood by me when they said I could never be first. To all the haters, your hate is what gave me the strength to be here today.

        1. Or as Eli Gold the radio voice of Alabama football says after a score, “touchdown Alabama!!” Well done Parker :mrgreen:

  3. Addendum: Let it be known and taught at every opportunity that women are the weaker vessel in every way imaginable, so that it may proven that men are to rule them for their own good. Let it be taught in the churches that true freedom for women occurs only when women are under the perpetual authority of men, preferably with several men in that tier (pastor, father, husband, oldest son after a certain age). For if a woman were to ever discover her own strength and freedom, our power would be ripped from our hands, and that would be dishonoring to God.

    1. And should she ever open her mouth, remind her often and ever of Proverbs 31, and how this alone be the standard of a woman’s worth, and any falling short, yea, no matter how slight, no matter the circumstances of wind and weather and traffic patterns, the fault is hers and hers alone, and great does this reflect on the person of her husband, for he alone is worthy in the eyes of the LAWD. 😈

  4. Anyone – male or female – who has that expression whilst cleaning pots and pans is a danger to society. Even money says that she’s beating hubby to death with one of those pots before the day is done.

    1. I think the picture is from an advertisement for polish.
      Of course, If I’d just cleaned and polished all that metal, I’d have dark stains all over me, but clearly this woman is some kind of superior life form.

        1. Wasn’t the 50s the era when uppers and downers were most freely prescribed to people like the couple in the picture?

  5. Sad, true, and awesomely put!

    But of this next commandment, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you, for it is commonly reported among yourselves; that when thou shouldest gather after the Wednesday evening service for a Time of Fellowship, that all your women, your wives and your daughters, your old women and widows shouldest prepare an overflowing table of sustenance. And this shall be your custom, that the menfolk and the preacher shall eat first, while the women should wait tables. For such is the natural order of things as God hath ordained them. In this ordinance shalt thou be fat and sassily blessed forevermore, fellowship without end, amen.

    2. Yes! It’s amazing how that bleeds over into your way of thinking without realizing that it’s totally Fundy too. Being out of the mess for so long I didn’t realize how backward that really is.

      I thought it was so weird that my non-Fundy husband won’t fix himself a plate at home or at any family get together until I have made my own. It took me a while to realize why I thought that was weird, because it never occurred to me that it was a hold over from that culture. It was drilled into my head growing up that the “menfolk” fix their plates first, and they get priority seating. To this very day, my Grandmother is usually standing and eating at the counter while everyone else sits at the table. It unnerves her and my mother that my husband will not make his plate until they have made theirs.

      My favorite ever though is the rare occasion when the preacher declares that the men are to serve the women food once in a blue moon. It’s usually some type of food that is ridiculously easy to put together like hot dogs or frozen pizzas. No chicken n’ dumplins from scratch or anything like that.

      😛

      1. When I was growing up, my Dad was the only man in his large family who helped prepare meals and clean up afterward at large family gatherings. I thank him for setting that example. He is a man among men.

        1. Big Gary, that is awesome! In my opinion, there definitely needs to be more men like that in the world. A helping hand goes a long way, especially when you don’t have to beg for it. My Hubby is that type of guy, I am very lucky! 😀

        2. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, but my husband is the chef in our family. I can barely even boil water.

          Hubby makes the best shrimp and grits EVAH. He also knows every chicken recipe ever developed in the history of humanity. (Did I mention that chicken is really cheap around here?)

        3. Hay-men, or rather Hay-WOmen! Takes a big big man to be willing to back up the wimmen-folk. 😀 ❗

    3. I made the mistake once of asking my husband to carry my paper plate to the trash since he was getting up anyway and the trash can was right behind him, on his side of the long table, not on my side. Every eye in the vicinity swung my way like I had just sprouted a second head and it was blowing snot bubbles.

      1. Seriously? I make it a point to help my wife out with stuff like that – it’s simple. At least the brand of fundyism I grew up in didn’t teach us not to be gentlemanly.

    4. In the Episcopal church I currently attend, it is the exception, not the rule, for a woman to be part of putting on a meal or cleaning up afterwards. In fact, the first time I walked in asking and expecting to be put to work, they acted horrified.

      1. Oh yes! In our parish, it is the men who put on the meals, and they are very good cooks. One of them was a chef, and out deacon’s husband is a retired fireman who spent a lot of time cooking for the station. His chili is FANTASTIC.

    1. I completely agree, HAC. I really think Darrell should compile his everylasting book of rules and requirements into a short book.

  7. And, if thy children stray from the narrow path, thou shalt lay all the blame on thy wife, notwithstanding that thou hast spent more time in thy church office than with thy children.

    1. Co-heir, there needs to be a like button for your post. There is so much truth in that sentiment.

  9. And if a woman shows even the slightest interest in using her brain, you shall strongly discourage it. For how many brains does it really take to push out babies, do housework and check A Beka worksheets.
    {sigh} 🙁

    1. Amen and amen! Clearly, men need to borrow those extra brain cells from the females to be able to hold those BJU hymnals in a Godly and manly manner. 🙄

  10. You’ll notice there are no knives laying around in that picture? There’s probably a good reason for that.

  11. Addendum: Women were an after thought in Creation and they shall be treated as such by you.

    Women are vile temptresses. Notice how Eve, even before she was created, tempted poor Adam to be discontent with his loneliness!

    Lady-brains aren’t as good as regular brains. That is why the Intergalactic Bible college in our church dining hall offers special courses for the women. These courses are designed not to overtax the simple minds of the students.

    All of our women students are going to be teachers in a Christian school. If God led them to go to college He wants them to be teachers.

    1. Actually, the real reason for special women’s courses in Bible College is so that they won’t show up the men in the other courses.

      🙂

      1. Yeah, women have this annoying habit of doing their homework and showing up prepared for class.

  12. Thought bubble above the man’s head:

    She needs to stop looking at that pan and start using it.

    :mrgreen:

  13. One thing I actually heard the preacher at the church my family STILL goes say, and I am so not joking:

    “There is nothing in this world that is sexier than a woman with biscuit dough up to her elbows”

    True story.

    2. In the interest of assuming positive intent, I keep trying to find a way to spin this so it’s not chauvinistic, and I just… 😕 Maybe he’s an acts of service guy?

      Still comes across creepy.. 🙁 Remind me not to let him see me fixing meals for my family.

      Oh, and if you have biscuit dough on your elbows, you’re doing it wrong. 😆

      1. Kreine-

        1. Yeah, no. He’s kind of smart ass so… it was totally chauvinistic.

        2. It was creepy, but I leaned over and told my Mom that I make pretty damn good biscuits and that would be a sure fire way for me to never make them AGAIN, if he was married to me. (short pause while I vomit at the thought) But his wife has Snooty Preacher’s Wife syndrome so I’m sure she took it as a compliment. 🙄

        3. Yes! So true LOL!

        Oh,and then there’s this…

        I have made pretty decent buttermilk biscuits back in the day BUT my non-cooking, masculine, man’s man husband makes them better than I do. He actually makes them as good or better than my departed Grandma did, which is saying a lot. Needless to say I don’t make them anymore!

        1. My sweetheart is a very good cook, and an even better baker. He makes all of the rolls for holiday meals, and they are very good. (And I am so relieved to not have to make them myself!)

    4. Makes me think of the old joke about wanting to have three men at once. One cooking, one cleaning, and one doing the laundry!

    5. Could that have been a Lewis Grizzard quote? 😎 He so decried the shwomp! of those rolled biscuit things.
      That said, it does give a clever lassie a properly sneaky edge; or as it’s also been said, “Good looks don’t last, good cookin’ do!”
      Just speaking as a decent wife who lost her husband to a very good cook. 🙄

  14. Absolutely love that illustration, but the poor dear will ruin that perfect manicure washing dishes without wearing some pink latex gloves. That’s how I run the show! It’s so old fashioned but I really love being a housewife. Seriously. This is not a joke.

    1. As a hard-core dyed in the wool feminist, I respect and support your choice. Go on with your bad self, lady-friend!

      1. Well thanks, Stony. My husband appreciates my contribution because he hates shopping and cooking and I appreciate that he makes good money 😉 so that I don’t have to bring home a paycheck. I’ve chosen to be home and it works for our family, maybe one day I’ll spread my wings but I don’t really feel unfulfilled.

        1. See the above note about being a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. That said, it’s your life, and your choice. If it makes you happy to be home, go for it!

    2. If you truly love being a housewife, then please be a housewife. The most honorable profession is the one you are called to be in.

      I get fussy when any particular occupation is trumpeted as the best or only one for a woman. Do men all get told that being a father is their highest calling?

    1. Bwahahahaha!

      That is such a disturbing picture. The day I go into raptures over a frying pan is the day they cart me away to the funny farm.

      2. Dude,
        Maybe it is actually me in the pan looking out. I just blew my own mind.

        2. I hate housework with a purple passion. Some days I wish I were in the pan looking out…controlling my minions who must scour and shine instead of trolling the interwebs or blogging pithy lines. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

          *ahem* 😳 As you were, citizens.

  16. “But concerning men we have no real commandment. Men are awesome except that they’re suckers for women.”

    Can’t really see anything wrong with this statement. I am awesome. 🙂

    1. Totally thought you were a chick. I thought your name was a play on the name “Tiffany.”

  17. This pic is so retro, what 50’s/60’s and yet that is exactly how the preachers want to see the “weaker gender”! However, even though their mindset has not progressed with the ages, and they still insist on “Suzie Homemaker” tending to all the chores and the children, they “allow” her to supplement his income by getting a low paying job at the church’s school in addition to all her responsibilities at home!

    How typically convenient!

    Of course it is not “allowed” that she use her many talents to get a job in the “secular world” in fear that she just may surpass her husband and earn more than he!

    How many years ago was that bra burning anyway!? LOL

    ~~~Heart 😯

      1. Big Gary,

        I was a child at the time of the start of that but that just goes to show you that indeed it was very effective!

        Thanks for the info and link!!

        Oh yeah… Your article mentioned “girdles” and gosh… I remember all the ladies in my family insisted on them! Many have been liberated from that though… I think? LOL

        ~~~Heart 😉

        1. I was almost 10. But even then, I read the newspapers and magazines (maybe I was precocious in that sense). And I remember when it happened.

  18. LOL “That one time you let them wear pants to play in the snow.” Not my parents! I went hunting in 15 degree weather in coulottes. Once (when I was 25 and still living at home) My mom refused to let me wear plain coveralls and insisted that I wear a pair of coulottes on top of them!! I’m glad I can laugh at the idiocy now 😀

    1. mkxcomm,

      Soooo hilarious!!!! Try swimming in a pair of culottes in the Pacific Ocean waves! Two and a half yards of fabric swirling between your legs and around you along with the occasional seaweed!!!!!!!!

      I remember the frustration of it on one occasion! I was very athletically inclined and felt so restricted and stupid that I ripped them off… Making sure I had removed myself from anyone that I might cause to “sin” and I swam like a mermaid!!!! It was the most freeing experience! I loved it!

      Mother would have died and put me on restriction for sure! Don’t tell! She’s still lives like the “Proverbs 31 Lady” pictured here!

      Thanks for the laugh though… The mental picture of your culottes over the gear had me in rolling! Your chosen word “idiocy” is so apropos… I’d love to see someone sketch a cartoon of that!!!!

      All of that just because a man may look at a woman and lust after her! How ridiculous!

      ~~~Heart 😯 🙄 👿 😛

      1. Don’t you ever wonder why if it’s the men who have a lust problem, we don’t do something about those men, instead of trying to neuter the women?

        1. Big Gary,

          I wonder at that ALL the time! It’s not my fault they are so weak-minded! But it’s just easier to blame it on the female and cover her up! It’s almost as barbaric as the barbarians covering up their harem of women and then making them adorn those hijabs! Pppppllllllleeeease!!!! Don’t get me started!

          But, any suggestions to “harness” these men? LOL

          ~~~Heart :mrgreen:

      2. I swam in the Pacific Ocean in culotees and a knit shirt; not clingy t-shirts for us 🙂 And I had an -early morning paper route in the early 90’s in the mid-west where the temps could drop to -30* actual temperatures in the winter. When I begged to be allowed to wear pants during my 5 AM route, in the dark, when no one would see, my mom’s response was that wearing men’s clothing is an abomination at all times of the day and night. So I wore long underwear, leg warmers, knee socks, and a jean skirt.

        1. Now that I’m an adult, I always want to ask those who call women wearing pants an abomination because she’s wearing that which pertaineth to a man if they also make sure they have parapets around their roof, if the men wear tassels on the edges of their clothes, and if they avoid all clothing that mixes fabrics. (from Deut. 22)

  20. Oh the perfect Phantom Christian woman strikes again! She haunted us all throughout our time in fundyland. We were always comparing ourselves to her and falling short until one day we realized that she doesn’t exist! 😛

      1. Hives! 😯 Nearly all “christian women” books do that to me. Especially when they are trying to give you the practical approach to biblical womanhood. Hyperventilating just thinking about it.

        1. Yeah, starting with how it isn’t a pile of clobber verses for women, it’s an ideal checklist for unmarried men, starting with the observation (v. 10, the rhetorical question “Who can find . . . ?”) that finding somebody who can check all the boxes is impossible. In other words, men, you will never find somebody who can do all this because nobody can do all this, but here’s what you should look for.

          Instead it’s interpreted to mean, “Women, work yourselves into exhaustion trying to do it all.” (And as I say every single time Proverbs 31 comes up, the “virtuous woman” had a staff of servants to help her run the place!)

        4. Jenny, you nailed it. The expectations laid on women by that passage are unreachable. I know, because I tried to meet them. I went to all of the women’s classes, conferences, etc. did the ‘God’s Woman’ series. Spent money I didn’t have on seminars on how to be a godly wife. There are not enough hours in the day or days in the week to do it all. I gave it all I had.

          Ruined my health and the marriage fell apart anyway.

        5. Luitgard, I really sympathize with your situation. I hope you know now that that Jesus beckons all who are weary and heavy laden to come to Him and find rest for your souls.

        6. Thank you, beensetfree. I’ve been divorced for… 19 years in August. And I’ve pretty much come to terms with what happened. It was an arranged marriage and was difficult from the beginning, in many ways..But the relationship I’m in now is much more fulfilling, much wore a balance of equals, and it’s been 13 years and still I find myself loving him more every day. Never imagined that I would have this, and I am incredibly thankful.

      3. Laura, if you get hives hearing about the Prov. 31 woman, you might want to check this out: http://dailycharis.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-proverbs-31-woman.html

        I promise it won’t give you hives and will free you from the idea that you need to do more, more, more from dawn til dusk.

        The bottom line is, only men were allowed to study Talmud, so Prov. 31 was never intended to be a yardstick for women to compare themselves. Originally, it was written to remind husbands of all their wives do for them and to express appreciation for the hard work that goes into making a home and caring for family.

      4. Rachel Held Evans said that in Jewish tradition, Proverbs 31 isn’t a checklist, but a song of praise and respect from a man to his wife. And that some Jewish men sing it to their wives on a weekly basis, praising her for being a “woman of valor”.

        1. I got myself Evans’ A Year of Biblical Womanhood for my birthday & devoured it.

          As a female who grew up in Fundamentalism, I have to say her explanation of Proverbs 31 alone was worth the price of the book.

      5. I was always amused that the preacher as well as the ladies seemed to just gloss over the fact that the Proverbs 31 gal started and ran her own business, had her own money and had handmaids to help her with the drudgery. All this while her husband sat “in the gates”.

  21. Dang! There WERE days years ago when I would polish the copper bottom pots. It gave me a sense of controlling and accomplishing something…

    Seems crazy in retrospect!javascript:grin(‘:shock:’)

    1. If I had a pot rack to hang them from, I’d still polish the copper bottoms. Salt and vinegar does a great, quick job getting rid of the tarnish. Since they’re just nested in a drawer,though, forget it.

    2. I read somewhere that pots actually conduct heat better if they are not shiny on the outside (more heat is absorbed rather than reflected). It makes sense to me, and I have no interest in investigating further, as long as it gives me a good rationale for not polishing pots.

  22. Hmmmm, just last week we had a troglodytic speaker tell us he believes firmly that mom ought to be kept in the kitchen. He said, “some of you ladies might want to meet me in the alley after the service and beat me up for that, but that’s what I believe.”

      1. Especially considering the number of potential weapons in the average kitchen. Maybe THAT’S what keeps fundy men out of there; a healthy fear of knives, frying pans, androlling pins. :mrgreen:

        1. On a more serious note, I know someone who works with domestic violence survivors, and one of the ‘survival skills’ they try to teach people is not to have arguments in the kitchen, where there are so many knives and hot things and other dangerous objects that can be easily converted to weapons.

    2. I bet he expects the rest of the house, including laundry to be clean, too. His statement is already illogical, as well as extremely chauvinist.

    3. Well, that IS why women’s feet are typically smaller than men’s – they can stand closer to the kitchen sink! 😈

      1. I wear a woman’s size 11, man’s size 9. I can’t get closer to the sink than a lot of guys can! 😆

  24. Illustration:

    Magazine ad from ad-copy style, late Fifties from the car in the b/g, probably selling some sort of silver or metal polish.

    2. There is so much stupid in that article it is hard to know where to begin refuting it.

      1. I guess I haven’t disagreed with John Piper much (though I don’t really follow anyone) but this article was plainly not only an opinion piece, but even I could find the wrong in it.

      1. Piper: a guy who doesn’t like womenin combat but thinks its okay for her to be abused “for a season” until she can go to church and be sorted out. And don’t get me started on his weirdness about “muscuclar women.” 😯

  26. Dear SFL Reader:

    I bake bread from scratch. Right now, I have dough rising in the warmer. In about 30 minutes, I’ll shape into loaves and make French baguettes. What is worse, Mrs. Socialist is out socializing with a girlfriend at Severance Hall. My question is, ‘should I repent, through out the dough, and phone her to say that she has to get her butt back home.’

    Christian Socialist

    1. Just make sure your Blue Cross is paid up, the ambulance is on hold, the kids are out of earshot, and that you have an extra blanket out in the doghouse. :mrgreen:

    2. Never mind calling your wife — just tell me what to do so that my bread turns out lighter and fluffier than a brick!

      I’m female and I honestly like making bread. And mine has a good flavor but the texture . . . ugh.

  28. I bet she’d look hot in combat gear… 🙄

    I can remember when one of the worst insults you could hurl at someone was, “Yeah, and your momma wears combat boots.” I don’t see that women on the front lines of combat is an improvement over the circumstances portrayed here. I don’t believe women should be treated as property or demeaned but I also don’t believe they should have to be exposed to the horrors of combat either.

    Call me old fashioned, but I believe women should be treated with respect, and protected from harm to the best of our abilities. If the draft is ever reinstated I would get my daughters out of this country as fast as humanly possible.

    Don’t know where that came from other than a nostalgic nod to Chivalry.

    1. Don,

      I love chivalry!!!! Your daughters are fortunate to have you! In this day and age I hope they each find a guy from the same clothe as you! 😉

      ~~~Heart 😀

    2. “I also don’t believe they should have to be exposed to the horrors of combat either.”

      I believe this too, but not because they are women, because they are human.

    3. With the Army base here in Savannah, the “Your mama wears combat boots!” comment would be answered with, “Well, yeah, doesn’t everyone’s?” 😆

    4. Women are exposed to the horrors of combat all the time. A support staff position doesn’t come with a force field that repels bullets and IEDs. At least now the women who regularly drive into combat zones can receive combat pay.

      If one human being picks up a lethal instrument with which to wreck the living, feeling body of another human being, why is this more awful if the victor is female?

      Better to work to end our multiple pointless wars. Seriously, we are at war, we’ve been at war for years, and it’s just background noise! Why can’t we balance our budget (and quit pissing away human lives) by getting off a war footing?

  30. She is probably thinking, “ummm… wouldn’t some magic brownies, er I mean homemade brownies taste good this afternoon?”

  33. The fundy woman is weak, incapable, and a submissive/subservient doormat for the almighty fundy man.

    Right up until said man screws up. Then suddenly she is strong, capable, and not-officially-the-leader-but-in-practice-the-leader-because-she-totally-should-have-done-something-that-would-have-prevented-the-man-from-screwing-up-in-the-first-place.

    For does not even nature itself teach that everything is her fault, even if this line of reasoning actually makes no sense?

    1. Sadly, this is exactly the attitude of many. It baffles me why someone who is so weak and has no authority bears all the responsibility. 🙁

  34. And thy wife shalt not ever have her own opinion, but parrot the opinion of thy husband. Further, thy wife shalt not ever talk about her own lady bits but leave the same for her husband to discuss. (true story – my inlaws.)

      1. Kathy, that sounds like something Steven King would write about…creeeeeeeepyyyyy. 👿

        I hope you don’t have to interact with your in-laws much.

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