As written by KindOfBored, Myself, James,and various other friends, acquaintances, and minions. I happened across this while perusing my personal archives this morning and had such a good laugh that I couldn’t help but share it here.
Q. What is the book for thee?
A. The B-I-B-L-E.
Q. Where do you stand?
A. On the Word of God.
Q. Who is with thee?
A. I stand alone.
Q. Where has God prepared a place?
A. Somewhere in outer space.
Q. For whom is the place prepared?
A. For those who trust Him and obey.
Q. What doest thou ask of the Lord?
A. That He do remember me.
Q. Where should He remember thee?
A. Way beyond the blue.
Q. Who is standing in the need of prayer?
A. It’s me.
Q. Is it thy brother or thy sister?
A. We just covered that – it’s me.
Q. Is it thy father or thy mother.
A. Idiot. Next question, please.
Q. Who is on the Lord’s side?
A. We are on the Lord’s side.
Q. Who did not obey God immediately?
A. Jonah.
Q. Where did Jonah find himself?
A. Down in the depths of the deep blue sea.
Q. Why shouldst thou do right?
A. Because it’s right to do.
Q. For how long shouldst thou do right?
A. Until the stars fall.
Q. Who’s gonna get thee for that?
A. God’s gonna get me for that.
Q. What shouldst thou fight?
A. The wiggle worm.
Q: Up what shall we climb?
A: We shall climp up, climb up Sunshine Mountain
Q: How fares the countdown?
A: The countdown’s getting lower every day
Q: What did the Lord told Noah?
A: To build the arky, arky
Q: And wherefore was this arky?
A: For the floody, floody
Q: When are we to be happy?
A: We are in-right, out-right, up-right, down-right…happy all the time
Q: Who hath many sons?
A: Father Abraham hath many sons.
Q: Father Abraham hath many sons?
A: Right Arm. Left Arm. Right Foot. Left Foot.
Q:What if the devil does not like it?
A: He may sit on a bomb. Boom.
Q. What else may the devil sit upon?
A. He may sit on a tack. Ouch!
Q. What doest thou have?
A. I have the joy, joy, joy.
Q. Where doest thou have it?
A. Down in my heart.
Q. Where?
A. Down in my heart.
Q. Where?
A. Down in my heart.
Q. For how long is the joy in your heart?
A. To stay.
Q: Why dost thou read thy Bible and pray every day?
A: So that we may grow, grow, grow
Q: And if thou shouldest forget?
A: Then we will shrink, shrink, shrink
Q. How are we to be happy in Jesus?
A. By trusting and obeying.
Q. Is there another way?
A. There is no other way.
Q: If thou art saved and thou knowest it, how shalt thou showest it?
A: With the clapping of mine hands.
Q. Do you march in the infantry?
A. I may never march in the infantry.
Q. Do you ride in the cavalry?
A. I may never ride in the cavalry.
Q. Do you shoot the artillery?
A. I may never shoot the artillery.
Q. Do you zoom over the enemy?
A. I may never zoom over the enemy.
Q. Then child, in whose army do you serve?
A. I am in the Lord’s army.
Q. Are you down-hearted?
A. No, no, no.
Q. If you were a fish in the sea, what would you do?
A. I would thank the Lord that I could swim.
Q. And as a bird in the sky?
A. Thank the Lord for letting me fly.
Q. And since you are neither?
A. Thank the Father for making me, me.
Q. And not someone else?
A. Not you, but me!
Q. How many doors are there?
A. One door, and only one.
Q. How many sides does the door possess?
A. Its sides are two.
Q. On which side are you?
A. I’m on the inside.
Q. Isn’t He wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful? Eyes have seen, ears have heard, It’s recorded in His word, Isn’t Jesus my Lord wonderful?
A. Yes.
Q: For what does Jesus want you?
A: Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.
Q: And what shall the nature of this sunbeam be?
A: It shall brighten up the corner where I am.
Q. What rings in your heart?
A. In my heart there rings a melody in perfect harmony, a melody of love.
Q. And where is your home, and what doth it outshine?
A. I’ve got a home in glory land that outshines the sun (HALLELUJAH!)
Q. What colors of little children doth our Savior love?
A. Red and yellow, black and white.
Q If thou art wise, where will you build your home?
A Upon the Rock
Q Where wilt the foolish build his home?
A Upon the sand
Q What wilt happen when the rain tumbeleth down?
A The house on the sand shalt go splat
Q. What is my strength?
A. The joy of the Lord is my strength
Q. What does He give me that I thirst no more?
A. He gives me living water so I thirst no more.
Q. With what does He fill my mouth?
A. Laughter
Q. What doth this laughter sound like?
A. HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA
Q. What else doth this laughter sound like?
A. Any number of dying animals
Q. How is the fountain flowing?
A. Deep and wide
Q. How is it flowing beneath the fountain?
A. Hmm and Hmm
Q. What didst David have?
A. Only a little sling.
Q. What could David do?
A. He could play and sing.
Q. What was close at hand?
A. Only a rippling brook.
Q. With what did he arm himself?
A. With the five little stones he took.
Q. What went into the sling?
A. One little stone went into the sling.
Q. And how did the sling go?
A. It went ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round.
Q. What went up in the air?
A. One little stone.
Q. What was the consequence of David’s action?
A. A giant came tumbling down.
Q. What dost He have in His hands?
A. The whole world.
Q. What else?
A. Any additional verses are unnecessary.
Q. Okay, skip it.
A. Thanks.
Oh Happy Day!
Q. What is the best way to show you believe?
A. Obedience
Q. What does that look like?
A. To do exactly what the Lord commands and to do it happily
Q. Is there there a specific formula for this?
A. Action is the key
Q. What is the end result?
A. Joy we will receive
Q. Is there a better way to show you are a Christian?
A. No. The only way is O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E
Q: When shalt thou do it?
A: Do it immediately.
The SFL Greater Catechism
Without the Scriptural text proofs. We don’t need no stinking Bible!
The shorter Chatechism:
Q: What is the name of gid?
A: Andy (Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own)
Q: What do you share?
A: Joy
Q: Where do you share it?
A: In the Garden
Hmm, I thought His name was Howard. (Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be Thy Name.)
Suprise post! I should’ve been watching for this one. 🙄
It suprised me, too!
And how is our favorite newlywed faring?
Ok I must need glasses, I promise you it looked like you asked CMG how she was farting.
I really think CMG would draw the line at letting us in on those sorts of details, Don. 😉
Funny, yeah, but this one: “Q. Who is with thee?
A. I stand alone.” is downright disturbing. 🙁 When put like that, the reality of these songs is stark.
Q: Father Abraham hath many sons?
A: Right Arm. Left Arm. Right Foot. Left Foot.
and
Q. What doth this laughter sound like?
A. HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA
Q. What else doth this laughter sound like?
A. Any number of dying animals
were the best parts, I’ll be honest with you. But the whole thing is pretty fantastic, especially after hearing the… um… beautiful musical talents of our Sunday School yesterday. With all due respect to the kiddies, most of ’em couldn’t carry a tune if you handed it to them in a bucket. Then again, about half of the adults can’t either…
remembered almost all of those songs from my childhood and my children’s!
I LOVED this, Darrell! Thanks.
I know every single one! Hysterical seeing them put in the form of a catechism!
I do think to properly fit in the IFB world, this Q and A should be modified:
Q: If thou art saved and thou knowest it, how shalt thou showest it?
A: With the clapping of mine hands – until I reach adulthood. Then the clapping of hands must never be heard in the sacred sanctuary neither in response to human performance lest we be showing honor to a man that must be given only to God or during singing lest we appear as acting in a similar manner to those Pentecostals from whom we must separate (unless you’re from Hyles or the South; I’ve heard clapping exceptions are made in those cases).
With the clapping of hands–until I reach adulthood. Hahaha I LOL’d!
I was waiting for:
Stop! And let me tell you, what the Lord has done for me.
HAHAHA I remember that one. We had cardboard stop signs with the lyrics on them. You were specially privileged if you got to work the stop signs.
Climb, climb up sunshine mountain, faces all a-glow.
I am a C. I am a CH….
We always sang the first verse of that so fast (and, of course, only got faster as the repetitions went on) that I was practically in high school before I finally managed to figure out what everything after C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N meant.
Does not help that the song strings two spelled-out words together with no break in the middle. And I’m pretty sure they stopped making us sing it before the age where most of us could have spelled ‘eternally’ anyway.
Using songs to teach concepts only works if you give the kids some idea what they are singing!
I worked as a camp counselor at Camp Good News where all the CEF songs were sung since it was sponsored by CEF. I had a fellow counselor from Lebanon who hated singing this song. He spoke english very well, it’s hard enough to sing let alone having the handicap of English as a second language. 🙂
Q: And how long will you L-I-V-E?
A: E-T-E-R-N-A-L-L-Y
My little sister’s name is Christina, and she always sang, “I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-N-A.”
Q. What dost thou have?
A. C-H-R-I-S-T
Q. Where?
A. In my H-E-A-R-T.
HAHAHA this is hilarious!!
On this question though:
“Q. What colors of little children doth our Savior love?”
I think the answer should be “Red and yellow, black and white. (but not brown)”
I’ve seen versions that include brown in the mix…
We tried to sing: “red, brown, yellow, black, and white” but it always sounded super awkward.
I was always confused about who the red and yellow people were. Are they sunburned or jaundiced?
@Rebel?
Red is for them American savages and yellow is for those squinty-eyed Oriental heathens 😛
/tongue-in-cheek (I have both Indian and Oriental friends)
“Red and Yellow Black and green, but the white ones are supreme.”
Darrell, I was bored today, so I followed some links online. Found a good article/blog post by Tina’s Marine on a site I’d never been to before, and it linked to your blog, so I went there, and I saw the above catechism, and it cracked me up.
And now you’ve linked to it here.
I am thoroughly spooked.
Well, posted it here, not linked to it. Bah. It’s too late to be trying to type coherently 😉
I’m obviously following you around the Internet looking for post material.
Thanks. 🙂
And on the topic of the masterful catechism itself, I recognise most (but not all) of the songs, and my sunday school memories are from the (fundamental) brethren here in Oz. I’m sure there are a lot of similarities between the brethren and the IFB.
Q: As a Christian. who art thou?
A: A sermon in shoes
Q: Who counts upon you to get the Gospel through?
A: JESUS!
Q: So what art you to do?
A: Walk it, talk it, live it, give it, know it and show it
Q: Why?
A: Because we’re a sermon in shoes
I guess when you take your shoes off, you can do whatever you want, then. 😎
No I can’t, because I’m a woman. I must be silent, and keep my sermons IN my shoes. 😀
Closed toed shoes with a strap accross the back and a heal no higher that 2″. 🙄
True story
In fundy high, I got in trouble several times for wearing 4-inch heels. I tried to argue that, since I was significantly shorter than the other girls (under 5′ at the time), I should have a higher heel allowance. Didn’t work.
Romans 10:15
As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”
——-
I was catechized on this passage by singing Handel’s Messiah.
“A sermon in shoes”… don’t let me walk any wear around the “preacher” when he is looking for a sermon…
In some fundie churches, we are, not a sermon in shoes, but a sermon illustration.
I’ve heard some pastors claim that they decide what to preach on by listening to their people talk. Decided then & there to not speak around the preacher so that I wouldn’t become one of his illustrations.
Should not be read with full bladder:
“Q. Who is standing in the need of prayer?
A. It’s me.
Q. Is it thy brother or thy sister?
A. We just covered that – it’s me.
Q. Is it thy father or thy mother.
A. Idiot. Next question, please.”
ROFL here…. 😆
PS: This is my FAVORITE SFL post to date!!!
You know, it just may be mine, too. I cannot stop laughing, I have copied and pasted it and sent it to lots of people… I just love it. 😆 And Darrell, I cannot tell you how I needed this today! Bless you, Bro.
And then, there was this, which, even without a full bladder, and it is no one’s business how THAT happened, had me ROFL all over again:
“Q: How fares the countdown?
A: The countdown’s getting lower every day
Q: What did the Lord told Noah?
A: To build the arky, arky
Q: And wherefore was this arky?
A: For the floody, floody”
I pray that the authors of this entire post win some sort of award. P R I C E L E S S
Q: How mayest thou avoid being a Jonah and being swallowed by a whale?
A: 1) Obey the Savior’s Word
2) Obey, come what may
3) Tell the children everywhere they must be born again
Oh, sweet Mutha Gaia, I remember that dreaded “Father Abraham” song! I would always groan whenever we had to do it. You see, I didn’t possess the amount of stamina necessary to get through the whole thing. I’ve never been the most…athletic kid, let’s say 🙂
And also, that “Joy, Joy Joy” song ALWAYS makes me think of that one Simpsons episode where Rodd and Todd are singing it in their sleep.
“And if the devil doesn’t like it he can sit on a tack.”
“Ouch!”
“Sit on a tack.”
“Ouch!”
This Catechism is dauntingly long, but it does seem to cover just about everything.
I couldn’t finish it. It had a twitchy kinda factor for me. IFB children’s ministries…I did enjoy when they would put the really young ones in front of the congregation (usually Sunday night) to sing and they would be up there spacing out, not singing, picking their nose, or doing the peepee dance! That was cute, but otherwise twitch…
Yeah, the nose picker was mine. Sorry about that.
Isn’t the Father Abraham song dangerously close to dancing? Or is dancing allowed for little kids?
Having fun, dancing, and clapping are all ok for little kids. However, remembering that “when I became a man, I put away childish things” it is more appropriate for adults to be solemn and reverential since they have no need to engage in such childish antics. 😉
Ha! You probably thought you were joking, but my first pastor had banned Fr. Abraham for exactly that reason. For the first several years of my life, I had no knowledge of Fr. Abraham, save the kids who would request it in Sunday school, only to be told in no uncertain terms that pastor did not approve. Once that pastor left, however, it was ON!
I’m gonna have to listen to a couple hours of hard “secular” rock to get these tunes out of my head. Thanks a pantload for the flashback!!
I almost never actually “lol” and this made me truthfully laugh out loud. I absolutely love this post. My favorite kids song has to be “His Banner Over Me, His Love”. Especially after I read the Song of Solomon and found out that that was where the verse came from.
SFL – little kids singing songs that hopefully they won’t or can’t understand
My wife loves these songs and at 26 still sings them regularly.
I’m a dork in my own right and hearing her sing them makes me smile.
🙂
Thanks for the funny post.
Wow! And I thought the Baltimore Catechism was bad enough when I was growing up! I’m glad I escaped most of these songs.
Imagine being raised Catholic while going to Protestant school. I was the only one in my First Communion class who knew about Father Abraham and Sermon in Shoes…
This reminds me of an argument I saw out there that quoted old hymns instead of scripture for their KJV only arguments. Cause if your translation doesn’t match the hymnal…well then brother….
You forgot thess gems:
Q. Where art thine brown socks?
A. Aint got no brown socks!
Q. Where hast thou gone?
A. Down by the river I took a little walk!
Q. What kind of peace have you?
A. I’ve got peace like a river.
Apparently George doesn’t have any brown socks either. 🙄
*these
Q: How shalt thou be happy all the time?
A: By being inright, outright, upright, and downright.
Q: For what dost thou ask?
A: Gas for my Ford.
Q: What shalt thou do with this?
A: Keep trucking’ for the Lord.
Q: For what else dost thou ask?
A: Wax for my board.
Q: What shalt thou do with that?
A: Keep surfing for the Lord.
So much win
Q: For yet what else shall ye ask?
A: Oil for my Chevy.
Q: Why dost thou ask this?
A: To keep me preachin’ hot and heavy.
It’s probably been remarked upon in other comment threads, but the emphasis on being happy all the time in some of those songs is downright creepy.
Q: Why can’t one get to Heaven by wearing a mini skirt?
A: Because God don’t want no little flirt.
Wow, someone should have told Jesus, before He deigned to speak to the woman at the well… 🙄
Wow… that brought back lots of memories of Sunday school and the kid’s Wednesday night program. And Chapel services. And even nursery. In fact, those may be the only songs I knew at a certain point in my life. We were always told to be happy, happy, happy.
Thank God I was grown up before becoming Fundy so I only had to tolerate these infantile songs during VBS and Sunday school opening assemblies. I hate the Father Abraham song, what’s right foot left foot got to do with Abraham? And why does he only have sons and no daughters? And why are females expected to say they are anyone’s sons?
I hated the hallelu hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah praise ye the Lord song they pit the boys against the girls as to who can sing loudest, it always gave me such a headache.
Then there was the idiot song about the 10 spies, 10 were bad and 2 were good blah blah blah and they’d sing it faster and faster ad nauseum. I liked it better when they didn’t have those idiot opening assemblies you had to endure every week. VBS was bad enough but it was only one week. 😕
The VBS music from non-Fundy churches has music that gives the whole salvation story. But because it has a beat, it must be evil. I love hearing my preschooler sing to that “rock-n-roll” music the lyrics: “God loves us. God sent His Son to die for us, because of His great love.”
So much more meaning than Father Abraham or Inright Upright. What was that the fundies say about watered down contemporary music??????
When I taught German at our little Christian school, I taught the Hallelu,Hallelu,Hallelu,Hallelujah song in German to the Kindergarteners. They sang it at Kindergarten graduation, which was truly impressive.
“Wow, these little kids are bi-lingual?” “Yup, I taught them to speak in tongues.”
Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, halleluja, preiset den Herrn!
From the original post I recognize:
Father Abraham
Wiggle Worm
I’ve Got The Joy
If You’re Saved/Happy And You Know It
Rise And Shine (And Give God The Glory, Glory)
The House Upon The Rock
Jesus Loves The Little Children
Deep and Wide
Whole World In His Hands
but I’m drawing a blank on all the rest.
Q. What book is for thee?
A. The B-I-B-L-E!
Q. What doth that spell?
A. BIBLE! King James Version!!
Q. How shall one get to heaven?
A. One way
Q. Who shall get us there?
A. Jesus is the only way…no other way to go..o..o..o!
Q: What did little David play?
A: Little David played on his harp, hallelu.
Q: What have you been told once or twice?
A: Can’t get to heaven shootin’ dice!
Q: What animal wouldst thou like to be?
A: I just wanna be a sheep.
Best post ever. My whole tam laughed. Hubby & kids took turns answering (correctly) when I read the questions!
Q: Where are all the burdens of thine heart?
A: Rolled away, rolled away, rolled away.
If therefore the Son shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.
My dad, a fundamentalist preacher, had an actual genuine Baptist catechism.
They still exist. You can purchase Spurgeon’s Catechism or just find it online here. http://www.ccri.ca/Spurgeon_Catechism.pdf
Here’s an article, written by a Baptist, on why people should use a Catechism. http://www.founders.org/journal/fj10/article3.html
Traditionally Baptist have used them, but I’ve never known an IFB church to use them.
Meh. Should be Traditional Baptists.
I might still have a copy of it somewhere in the depths of all of the crap of a lifetime. Sure enough, ya gotta have it all sorted through and nailed down tight, otherwise how will people know what pleases God?
Q.Have you met Jesus at the crossroads?
A. yes. And Satan, too, was standing there.
Q. What did you do?
A. I said no!
Thanks for a great post. I laughed till I ….
Q. What way shalt thou walk, walk, walk?
A. We shalt, Walk the Bible Way.
Q. What shalt thou do therein?
A. Read the Bible Daily, and Not forget to Pray.
Q. What doth make thee to walk the Dirty Walk?
A. Smoking, Drinking, Fistfights, and Dirty Talk.
Q. What does Jesus say?
A. NO NO DONT DO IT
Q. What way shalt thou walk, walk, walk?
A. We shalt, Walk the Bible Way.
Q. What shalt thou do therein?
A. Read the Bible Daily, and Not forget to Pray.
Q. What doth make thee to walk the Dirty Walk?
A. Smoking, Drinking, Fistfights, and Dirty Talk.
Q. What does Jesus say?
A. NO NO DONT DO IT
I laughed, and then I found a wooden post and beat my head against it.
The songs are still in there. I’m going back to the post.
Oh, no! I’m questioning my fundy creds and my creds as an IFB children’s church teacher and church pianist! I never heard this one!
Don’t feel too bad, PW. I grew up in a Christian school and missed a few of these, too.
No you can’t get to heaven in dirty jeans, cause God don’t have no washing machines. All my sins been washed away I’ve been redeemed.
No you can’t get to heaven with long hair, cause God don’t want that mess up there…
mini skirt, long hair, not just dirty jeans… any jeans (if you were a girl) … oh, what legalists we were being groomed to be!
Q. What day wert thou saved?
A. It was on a Sunday
Q. Who did swallow Jo-Jo-Jonah?
A. Whale did.
Q. In what way did Whale swallow Jo-Jo-Jonah?
A. Whole.
Q. Jesus loves me. How do I know this?
A. The Bible tells me so.
Q. Would this be the B-I-B-L-E?
A. Dern tootin’.
Q. What should little feet be careful of?
A. Where they go.
Q. Why?
A. For the Father up above, He is looking down in love.
Also…
Q. What was Zaccheus?
A. A wee little man.
Q. Can you confirm this?
A. A wee little man was he.