Doctrine

Friday Challenge: Catechize Me

140 Comments

We had a lot of fun earlier in the week with the Sunday School catechisms. Today’s challenge is to construct an accurate catechism for fundamentalism.

If you can’t think of a pithy or snarky answer just pose the question and I’m sure someone around here will be glad to fill in.

140 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Catechize Me”

  3. What is the chief end of man?

    To dutifully obey our particular set of extra biblical laws, to out-Pharisee the Pharisees, and to interpret the Bible as if the life, death, and resurrection of Christ never happened.

    1. “and to interpret the Bible as if the life, death, and resurrection of Christ never happened.”
      Stepping out of sarcastc persona: This. is. Chilling. Terrible. Sadly, true in some cases. 😥

    3. I actually was raised with more of a reformed background. So when a IFB deacon asked “What is God’s purpose for people?” in a Sunday school, I almost instinctively gave him the Westmister Catechism answer…get this, he told me that I was wrong (no, he did not recognize the source)! I was informed that the correct answer was: to evangelize! 😥

  4. What is the first commandment?

    Women are to wear skirts.

    What is the second commandment?

    Always trust and obey your local priest…I mean pastor.

    What is the third commandment?

    Women are to wear skirts.

    1. No officer, I didn’t hit her. She, she um,,, she tripped on her skirt that god commands her to wear, yeah that’s it, she tripped on her skirt while going up the stairs, and that’s how she got the bruised face and broken nose. Yeah that’s it. The bruises on her arms are where I grasped her to help her back up. I just didn’t realize that I was holding so tight…Yeah that’s it.

  5. Why should we pray to God and obey Him?

    So that we can score some points with him, and so that he will give what we really want (health, wealth, wives that submit, and kids that don’t ask questions).

    Doesn’t that mean that you are viewing God as a means to an end?

    Yes. Life is about me.

    1. Wrong! Life is most definitely NOT about YOU, though yes, gid is a means to an end, that end being your pastor’s supremacy. Tut tut! 😡

    2. Ouch! Polished Shaft, how true this was! I heard this sort of message over and over: obey God so your life will go well.

  7. Q. Why do we teach the giving of tithes and not alms?

    A. We teach (and often monitor) the giving of tithes for the New Testament believer. Though we haven’t yet found where that is taught in scripture, we feel it is much more preferable to alms-giving which would require the believer to seek the Holy Spirit for guidance for their giving (now we wouldn’t want to have that would we?).

    1. But, stan, are you saying that the local church is not the Temple, and that the preacher is not a Levite??

        1. Except I am not a sir, but refuse to call myself a madam. Let us settle for woman. 😉

      2. Q. Is the local church the same as the temple, and are pastors the same as Levites.

        A. Well, not really, but in the case of tithing it makes it very convenient, dontcha think?

    2. Tithes are like taxes. Thou must earn the money to pay them, through thine own blood, sweat and tears, and thy time it took to earn them, but when thou payest them, thou shalt not have any concern about what they are being used for, that’s simply none of thy business. Thou shalt trust that thy pastor knowest best where they are to be spent! It’s being given “as unto the Lord” and knowest thou not that thy man of God hast the right to use thy money as he choosest? Like his annual vacation to Hawaii perhaps, though of course the church must give over and above their tithes so the pastor and his wife can live it up in Hawaii for a couple weeks in the winter while thou dost continue working and scraping the snow off thy car? And thou must needs settle for the assistant pastor or the youth pastor or some other “second string” underling to preach in his place? But he doth deserve it for all the hard work he doest throughout the year?

      I didn’t plan for this to turn into KJV English, but it somehow seemed appropriate. 😉

      Same with the pastor’s wife. Thou shalt be content to by thy and thy children’s clothing at the local Goodwill or Salvation Army store while she buys hers from Elder Beerman with thy tithe money!

      1. At my former fundy church (man that has a nice ring to it) they never said where the pastor and his wife went on vacation although one time it slipped out that they went to Paris France. I remember wondering why all the secrecy and I guess now I know it would have looked less humble than they wanted people to believe, especailly all the people who tithed and couldn’t afford a vacation anywhere. 🙄 And yeah his wife was always dressed in very fancy clothes.

  8. How is the Word to be read and heard, that it may become effectual to salvation?

    That the Word may become effectual to salvation, we must attend thereunto with alliteration, lack of context and screaming.

    1. Lack of context, for you liberals who do not get it: never EVER concede that anything at all in the KJV was written with an eye and ear and voice for the time it was actually penned. Thus, if you are wearing a cotton blend today, you are in big trouble.

  9. What is baptism?
    Baptism is NOT a sacrament, wherein the washing with water in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, doth signify our ingrafting into Christ, and partaking of his grace. It isn’t really that important though, we prefer to do it after the invitation while everyone is standing up ready to leave.

  10. The first question in the catechism pictured, the fundy version:

    Quest. What is the chief end of man?

    Answ. Man’s chief end is to glorify the Pastor, and
    to serve him forever.

    1. Also, because we can prove from the KJV that the Lord had short hair, He is exalted when men have tapered hair cuts, off the collar, no Engelbert Humperdinck sideburns, and do not pretend you do not know who that is.
      He is also exalted when a woman exalts her husband and calls him lord.
      Facial hair is not exalting to Him, but rather identifies you with this world and its system. DO not reference godly Mennonites you have known. Come out from among them and be ye separate.

      1. The hair may well be a woman’s glory, but a woman who desires glory enough to grow hair on her face is just plain greedy! 😈

      2. Is it okay for your sideburns to touch at the chin?

        Oh, yeah–Schaap already told us that facial hair is unprofessional, therefore it isn’t allowed. Sorry I asked a foolish question.

      3. Yeah, but no Prince Humperdinck. His were really lame. The Impressive Clergyman, on the other hand, had covet-able sideburns.

    1. … and soulwinning.

      You can lie, cheat, steal, embezzle, philander, just so long as you are going soulwinning.

      1. … and tithing
        -Gid loves you with a love that is commensurate with your tithing and faith promise.
        -The more you give, the more better your pastor will love you and cover for you.

        *Tithing: Who said selling indulgences was dead?

      2. Haaaymen, and be there every time the doors are open appropriately dressed. 😈

  13. What is the duty which God requireth of man?

    The duty which God requireth of man, is obedience to the undershepherd.

    (Since Christ is the Great Shepherd, when fundy pastors claim to be the “undershepherd” are they not essentially claiming to be “Assistant God”?)

    1. The most ignored/forgotten fact by fundy preachers: When the Bible compares believers to sheep, its talking about them just as much as the other people in their church.

      Very uncomfortable/humbling truth for them.

  14. What is a sacrament?

    A sacrament is the method the Great Whore of Rome (or Anglicans) uses to establish her wicked mind control over the poor duped saps she has trapped in her web of deceit. (For more information please visit the tract rack in the lobby)

  16. Q: With which music shall we glorify God?
    A: With slow and stately hymns, played in a grand and solemn manner on the piano and organ.

    Q: How doth the Psalms instruct us to praise God?
    A: With loud music, cymbals, clapping, and dancing, but under the New Covenant of grace, we know that God is offended with this kind of music.

    1. Who shall interpret that New Covenant for us?
      The managawd, for thou art too defiled by this world, Thirty Rock, and Elvis to interpret for thyself.

      1. Does that mean I have to get rid of my Elvis singing hymns album? (Real black vinyl LP, not a shiny aluminum copy)

        And, a little earlier, you reminded me that I never retrieved my Grandma’s Englebert Humperdink or Tom Jones albums after her passing. A loss I regret, my children thank me for.

        2. The song “Delilah,” btw, doth not sanctifieth Tom Jones.scriptural name notwithstanding.

      2. When does this “New Covenant” apply?

        It applies always…except when the MOG needs a proof text to support his particular preference on certain issues. However, The New Covenant is null and void when dealing with eschatology because we all know that Israel must be restored and the temple rebuilt and sacrificial offerings must begin again continuing the “Old” Covenant in order to usher in the final seven years of human history…of course us “New” Covenant folk will be partying it up heaven while those Christ-killers are being persecuted and slaughtered here on earth by Oba…I mean, the beast and The Pope…I mean, the false prophet.

    2. Ack! So true. Sounds an awful lot like the discussions about music in various classes @ Fundy U. When it became obvious the prof was losing the debate, he ended the discussion with the statement that music should reflect God’s holiness & CCM isn’t the first thing that comes to mind upon hearing the word “holy.” (“So there! *raspberries*” was implied.) 🙄

  17. Q. What is mans chief end?
    A. To glorify the MOG, and obey him forever.

    Q. What sins are forbidden in the third commandment?
    A. The sins forbidden in the third commandment are, all griping, complaining, and otherwise not speaking about Fundy U as God Doth require. All vain or irreverent websites. Any mentioning of the sexual scandals involving any MOG. Any singing writing or listening to the lyrics of the satanic CCM. Any maligning, scorning, or failure to instantly and cheerfully obey the man that God hast set over me.

    1. How do I know this man hath been set over me by gid?
      Because the man himself telleth thee. Three times a weekfrom the righteous pulpit, in bulletins, newsletters, and to thy face.

  18. Q. Who is the redeemer of God’s elect?
    A. Saturday morning soul winnin is the redeemer of God’s elect

  19. Q. What special thing as we to consider in the 10 commandments.

    A. We are to consider in the ten commandment how God hath set them aside as not have any effect in this dispensation. Fow we are under grace, and not under law. Also we are to consider how God hath most graciously provided us with a Man of His Own Choosing to replace these overly strict Laws, with Godly Biblical Standard.

    1. We still frown upon adultery, at least from the pulpit. In the MOG’s office with the curtain hiding the secret door, not so much. Envy we ignore, except to participate therein. And surely gawd intended for the MOG to be put before gawd in our daily lives, for we can see the MOG. Faith cometh by seeing.

  20. Some branches of fundamentalism already have a book of catechisms, anyone else remember the BJU “Bible Truths Handbook”? It has three sections, Bible Action Truths, Fundamental Catechism (all 150 of them), and a Bible Doctrine Outline. I pulled it off my bookshelf, blew the dust off and skimmed through the catechisms, to quote Dr Panosian (sp?) “a glass of water with rat poison in it is still poison.” *sigh* One of the hardest things for me in recovering from my IFB upbringing is sorting out the truth from the more subtle error. Things were the IFB wasn’t 180 degrees wrong, more like 10 degrees off, but the further you followed that seemingly minor deviation the worse the error becomes.

    1. We do have a catechism. Its’ called Awana, especially in the Truth and Training books. Of course, a really fundy church wouldn’t be involved in Awana, for it doth allow the use of other translations besides KJV. And non-fundy churches use it, too. Plus the balloon passing game is really hard to play with girls wearing skirts.

      1. Exactly why my former Fundy church quit Awana. Seriously; they used Awana for 15 or 20 years & suddenly decided it was too liberal. 🙄

        1. I was on our local AWANA missionary’s ministry team during the change. I thought it was a good one. I liked the Catechism style of question and answer with actual Bible verses (as opposed to typical fundyville) to back them up.

          We lost some churches during the change, pretty much all fundy, and none had good reasons. My favorite was, “they went to cartoons a dumbed it down”. I asked if the guy had read it. I was told, “no, I just don’t like the way it looks”.

    2. I remember these well. The contents of those blue and white books are permanently burned in my brain. We had to learn all 150 for our 6th grade Bible class. They start out “Who made me” answer ” God made me”.

  21. Q: What parts of the law are still essential to follow?
    A: Only the parts that were based off of the socially conservative ideology of the 1950’s

  22. Q: How shall we, in these present times of technology spread the Word?

    A: By screaming rabidly on street corners of abomination, damnation, violation, aberration, fornication, intoxication, unionization, and condemnation.

  23. Q. What shall be done with the wicked at the day of judgment?

    A. Since the Day of Judgment is so far off, and the wicked are so much with us, therefore the thou shalt shun. With much joy at the sight of the sinner, and with gleeful anticipation of his future judgment thou shalt remind him often of the hell that awaits. Thou shalt praise God that he hath provide His Church with a MOG that can identify Bad attitudes in people and thus begin the shunning prior to any actual sins.

    1. The wife of the MOG may shunnest whenever she detrmines it needful.. Otherwise, she maketh no determinations on her own.

      1. Bro. Welch, who happened to be a good Methodist Episcopalian (that’s what we used to be called). Made grape juice during the temperance movement, so that people who were recovering alcoholics would be able to participate in the sacrament.

        Wish we were like the Lutherans, who use both wine and juice.

    2. … Because that is the slippery slope, so often foretold in the KJV, and also by Lemony Snicket. One communion sip, next thing thou knowest, we find thee at Joe’s Bar and Grill.

      1. I say, first, sacremental wine from a micro-shotglass,
        Then beer from a bottle.
        An’ the next thing ya know,
        Your beatin’ your wife and the kids are huddling under the kitchen table watching mommy bleeding on the floor.

    3. “Fruit of the vine” must get your terminology right, it’s important. Fruit is fresh, therefore obviously the passage is referring to grape juice as alcohol is fermented and therefore not fresh. 🙄

    4. Because in the Bible, when they say wine, they really mean grape juice. Our Lord Jesus Christ made grape juice on that wedding day in Cana. Only fornicator believe otherwise.

      On that note, I have some housecleaning to do, and some Captain to assist me 😛

      1. In the King James Bible, all words, numbers, punctuation, chapter and verse designations and font color are directly inspired, God breathed,and forever settled in heaven. There is never any need to change a word in the King James unless the M-O-g is inspired to do so under the direct leading of his message. Thus it is understood that wine actually means grape juice.

        2. Plus, thou shalt always ALWAYS take the KJV literally, unless it is Song of Solomon, which though KNOWEST to be about Christ and His church, though it cannot possibly be so, and Revelation (which thou mayest prounounce with an S on the end, never fearing what the liberals tell thee.) Revelation cannot possibly be interpreted literally, so we taketh it to mean whatever we fancieth at the time. If your MOG and some other MOG disagree on what Revelation doth mean, thy MOG is always right. Unless you leave thy church, and switch to the other MOG’s church. Then *he* becometh right. And thou, for thy part, must sow discord and bitterness between the two congregations.

  25. In reading throught the BJU version of the catechisms I noticed that while there are multiple catechisms about God and Christ there are none about the Holy Spirit. The only time the Holy Spirit is mentioned in catechisms are, the three persons of God, the inspiration of the bible and in bringing people to salvation (but no role mentioned after salvation).

    For example, catechism 18: “Where do you learn to love and obey God? I learn how to love and obey God in the Bible alone. (Deuteronomy 30:11-16, Joshua 1:8)” No mention of the role of the Holy Spirit, or the church/fellow believers for that matter, in teaching and guiding a believer. Not that we don’t learn thses things from the Bible, but even the Bible says it is not our sole source of knowledge about God. Of course part of the problem is using the word “where” instead of “how” in the initial question. SFL framing the question in such a way that you automatically exclude other correct/possible answers. Nuance? What’s that? Sounds worldly. 🙄

  26. Did all mankind fall in Adam’s first transgression?

    Yes, but original sin is only accounted toward damnation when one reaches the age of accountability.

    1. No, only Eve and all of womankind fell. Adam only assented out of magnanimity (mog’s beeg word) so that Eve wouldn’t be lonely in her expulsion.

  27. Q. Which is the first commandment?
    A. The first commandment is, Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

    Q. What is required in the first commandment?
    A. Nothing. Commandments solely exist to tell us what bad stuff we are prohibited from doing, in this way God makes holiness achievable.

    1. This is spot-on. Fundyism is a list of don’t’s from the Bible and do’s from the MOG.

  28. Is any man able perfectly to keep the commandments of God?

    No mere man, since the fall, is able in this life perfectly to keep the commandments of God, except for true Ministers of God, whom you shall emulate in word, deed, clothing, hairstyle, volume and chick-tract soul-winning.

  29. Q. What must one to do be saved?

    A. Either through the raising of the young hand in VBS, or bolting down an aisle to an altar to ask Jesus to come into my heart. One need not to worry about repentance; that’s for those heretical moderate Baptists to worry about.

  30. What is faith in Jesus Christ?

    Faith in Jesus Christ is a process by which we look up at the minister while every head is bowed and every eye closed, and with him say the sinner’s prayer.

    What is repentance unto life?

    Repentance unto life is the process by which we remove from ourselves all traces of worldliness such as rock and/or roll music, VHS cassette tapes, and individual email accounts.

  31. To whom is Baptism to be administered?

    To anyone who says the sinner’s prayer, attends a retreat, or is doubtful of the efficacy of their own salvation on account of thinking bad thoughts since the last administration of baptism. Baptism is to be administered frequently, as a preventative measure to ensure that one is not found in an estate of backslidedness subsequent to baptism, which negates the efficacy of prior baptismal events.

  37. Please forgive me…I was taught only the BJU catechism. I have, however, modified it so it’s more transparent. 😉

    Q: Who made you?
    A: God made me.

    Q: What else did God make?
    A: God made all things.

    Q: Why did God make you and all things?
    A: God made me and all things for His own glory.

    Q: Who made God?
    A: Nobody made God, *but the MOg has recreated God in his own image. 😈 Thus, glorifying the MOg = glorifying God.

  38. Q. What is the greatest commandment?

    A. Thou shalt love the MOG with all thy soul, mind, body and wallet and the second commandment shall aid thee in this. Thou shalt seperate from thy neighbor, thy extended family and lo, even from the fruit of thine womb should they in any way show signs of worldliness. Thou shalt in no wise aid them in their time of distress for that would be practicing the social gospel which only the backslidden, God denying liberal do.

    1. This is perfect. The only way I would change it would be to add “or critical thinking” after worldliness 😉

  39. Q. What are the fruits of the Spirit?

    A. Covetousness, malice, envy, debate, deceit, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of wicked things, implacable, unmerciful . . . oh, opps, wait, wrong passage.

  41. Q. What is Sunday?

    A. Sunday is the Lord’s Day. Thou shalt not rest on Sunday. Thou shalt present thyself twice in the House of God. Morning and evening shalt thou present thyself. Thou shalt present thyself at the restaurant one half hour after the last person calleth on the altar in the morning service, where thou wilt partake of lunch and condemneth the other patrons who are not clothed in their Sunday finest because they just waketh up from their Saturday revelry. Thou shalt also condemn thy food server for working on the Lord’s Day. Thou shalt go home and not partake of any activity except thou mayest watch football or NASCAR and condemneth those Christian players for also working on the Lord’s Day. Thou shalt return to the Lord’s house at 6pm (or earlier if in choir practice). Thou shalt return late to thy house on the Lord’s Day night. On Monday morning thou shalt arise cheerful for work and must remembereth thy pastor in prayer because it is his day off and he needeth rest from a busy Lord’s Day.

  42. BJU was featured in NPR All Things Considered just now. Also, after a month of my visiting an Anglican church, the vicar amd his wife are coming to dinner tonight. Very excited, and full of questions.

    1. Wow, what could bju be doing on NPR? Can you post that here Darrell? Seen Enough, do tell how this dinner goes, what did/will you cook?

      2. It was great! I loved all the discussion! It is bitterly cold here, so I went with comfort food: chicken and dumplings, baby lima beans, orange-glazed carrots (yes, Big Gary, the carrots WERE already orange), sourdough rolls, dessert was strawberry trifle. 😎 Here is what that mocker, Sims, had to say about it (she has me confused with Miss Marple): “Oh, and YAY about the VICAR! Have fun and make sure to offer him some of the figgy pudding that you have been keeping in the top of the larder for special occasions!” 🙄 😉

  44. How do you glorify the Loohd in your home?
    By turning child raising into a battlefield; a godly one of course, like against the Ammonites and Philistines. Bruise their little behinds for the glory of God. Take every opportunity to create issues, let no child ever think he can do anything right. Mold them and make them after THY will, not HIS. Teach them how to sit (in the Sunday evening service when there’s no nursery/class) by the age of 2, for 2 hours straight, without a word, and let your light so shine in front of the congregation. “Oh, well, yes, we train the little bast. I mean the little blessing with the Loohds help, and a nice nice paddle.” He may not ruffle through the songbook, although sleeping/snoring is acceptable. For those second degree Christians that haven’t quite arrived yet – sigh- a candy bribe is, well, not desirable, but, tolerable.
    How do you glorify the Loohd in your home?
    Make jokes about the crazy tree huggers that actually believe in the ozone hole, proudly aim your God given 4×4 at every cat that crosses the road, after all, God gave us these creatures for our enjoyment.
    You and your wife also need to carry a concealed weapon. God helps those that help themselves. Also, real Baptists hunt. Cats, deer, burglars, we are independent fundamental temperamental Baptists with a Sword and a gun.
    How to glorify the Loohd in your home life?
    Whatever you do, call it a ministry, i. e. a softball ministry, ladies’ gossiping night out ministry, retarded tract ministry,….

    1. Wow it sounds like you knew my dad well. Especially the part about making everything a battlefield.

  46. Q: callest thou any man “father”?
    A: nay!
    Q: who had many sons?
    A: Father Abra… damnit!

  47. Q.: What are the chief enemies of the true Fundamentalist Christian (i.e., True Christian)?

    A.: Facts and reason, those insidious tools of devil-inspired liberals and intellectuals.

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