A kiss is just a kiss…except when it’s between two unmarried fundy adults and then it’s apparently some form of quasi-fornication. Indeed, it is a badge of pride among some fundamentalists that the first time they locked lips with their loved one was on the day of their nuptials. On the positive side, at least watching the love birds bumping teeth and locking braces does provide some degree of entertainment for the wedding guests.

Fundyland eschews all those movies that tell us that a couple’s first kiss tells them everything they need to know about their future. By the time a fundy gets the scoop on their partner’s smooching prowess and oral hygiene they’re already married to them for forever. We can only hope they chose wisely. And perhaps are carrying a breath mint.

Why this prohibition on a romantic gesture that has been memorialized in songs, written about in poems, and enacted on the stage and screen for generations? One can only assume that it’s due to the fact that no fundy male can be expected to have one shred of self-control. Well, that and the fact that denying even basic human contact creates a hyper-sexualized environment which creates fantastic opportunities for emotional and physical manipulation.

For extra fun on this topic, grab your local fundamentalist — in a chaste, non-sensual way of course — and ask him for an exegesis of II Corinthians 13:12. Then (after you explain what “exegesis” is) watch him sputter.