Standards

Commandments Concerning Public Testimony

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And when it shall come to pass that you shall be at a gathering of the wicked and someone shall offer unto thee a beer, or wine, or any strong drink thou shalt in no wise simply say “No, thank you.” For this shall be a unto thee a perfect time to let thy fundy flag fly and to smite those sinners in the ear with thy rantings of how thou dost not imbibe yea verily because it is wicked and thou knowest it well for thy pastor hath told thee that the Bible tells him so. Thou shalt in any wise lift up thy voice in testimony to thy standards.

And when it shall come to pass that thy children are out with thee at the supermarket and the cashier shall inquire if the fruit of thy loins have seen the most recent animated feature in the theater (which her godless children dearly loved) that thou shalt instruct this vile temptress that the theater is a place of pure evil such that no true believer must darken its already dark halls. Then thou shalt enquire if she knowest if it is coming out on DVD so that thou mightest buy it and watch it in thy home instead. And in so doing that shalt show her that there are true Christians left in the world who have not bowed their knee to Baal.

And when it shall come to pass that they coworkers shall say a word that is crude, or profane, or obscene or in a foreign tongue that thou shalt in anywise rebuke them soundly and tell them that thine ears cannot stand to ever heard such language because the stain of it shall be in thy heart and in thy soul and be muttered under thy breath when thou growest old. Yea, verily thou shalt make a right prat of thyself at every available opportunity and and also condemn them for whatever sins thou hearest discussed and in so doing thou shalt be light in their eyes and salt in their wounds.

For when thou hast done all these things then shall the heathen know that thou art a Christian and that thou hast standards that are lofty above their own and they shall be without excuse in the great day of judgment. Also, thou shalt probably end up eating all your lunches alone in the company cafeteria.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 94

137 thoughts on “Commandments Concerning Public Testimony”

  4. Yes, great post. I’ll spend the morning thinking up more situations in which one might let the splendor of higher standards shine on the lost and carnal.

    1. Maybe like expelling a 15 year old girl, who was raped by a 38 year old church member, from the church’s school for being pregnant just so no one will think the church and school condones sin… 🙄

  5. Loudly separating is never about the idiotic reasons they try to tell you. It’s always about trying to establish the moral high ground and reinforcing the bonds to your cult.

  6. “for thy pastor hath told thee that the Bible tells him so” – Excellent!

        1. For real! Some of the status updates I see on facebook could be SFL posts in and of themselves.

        2. What you haven’t become a fan of “Jesus Christ” yet? Or the “King James Bible’? tsk tsk.

        3. I would love to see SNL’s Kristen Wiig do spiritual one-uppers maybe with the church lady. Wouldn’t that be special?

    1. “There’s a flag flying high in the castle of my heart, in the castle of my heart, in the castle of my heart! Oh, there’s a flag flying high…”

  9. eating alone = sufferin’ for jeebus

    I am pretty sure later in this chapter it talks about choosing a prominent seat to eat alone in and to make a big show of your pre-meal prayer to ensure that anyone watching knows that you do wish for the Lord to do a miraculous transformation of your packaged processed chemical-laden meat byproducts wrapped in colon clogging white bread into something that blesses your body

    2. And one must always remember to bring their oversized KJB to read while eating that lunch alone. Cause nothing says spiritual and is a better witness than preferring to read your Bible during lunch rather than associate with the heathen around you.

  10. Also, thou shalt probably end up eating all your lunches alone in the company cafeteria.

    What better way could it be summed up? It’s just like Harold Camping – as a “normal” Christian, I feel some desire to “separate” from separatist Christians, lest “the world” think that I also believe that the offense of the cross lies in being obnoxious to everyone else.

  11. Ummm. yeah. this made me laugh. A lot. I snorted my coffee, and almost spewed on my work pc.

    The sentiments expressed in this post were very real to me at one point in my life (unfortunately). I’m glad to be able to look back and giggle. 🙄

    1. I got a good chuckle too – even though I was having a few flashbacks myself.

  12. Kudos on using the word “prat.” One of the best words in the UK to summarize some fundies. Urban Dictionary has the best definition, but beware, there’s “crude, profane and obscene” language used on that site.

      1. Prig. That’s the one I use. Sanctimonious prig. Looking down your sanctimonious nose at everyone else, the holier than thou attitudes that say I’m better than you, I’m more spiritual than you, phooey on that! 👿

  13. Brilliant! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, you’re a genius! :o)

  14. I do remember my cousin’s kids almost riping my head off when I asked them if they had seen the latest (at the time) Star Wars movie.

    2. Yeah, there’s nothing like answering an innocent query with moral outrage to show unbelievers the love of God! 😕

  15. “Also, thou shalt probably end up eating all your lunches alone in the company cafeteria.”
    This is when they could be “soul winning”. Instead of being so self righteous that no can or will associate with you they could befriend some poor soul who needs a friend. Develop a relationaship over time, build trust and thus maybe introduce them to the truth through personal testimony and letting your light so shine.
    No two words have been more hijacked in the Bible than “souls winning”.

  18. When I saw the title I was expecting something relating to court testimony…

    Can we consult the exalted book for guidelines for that?

    1. I actually thought it had something to do with testimonials, not just testimony. I thought we were going to read about the proper protocol for standing in church, what to say, and when it was appropriate to invoke a popcorn testimonial.

  19. For when thou hast done all these things then shall the heathen know that thou art a sancitmonious prig of the first degree. Thou and thou alone art right with gid, and so lettest the World know How Great Thou Art.

    Bless you brother for bringing this bit of fundie wisdom to our attention. Verily, this shalt preach. 😉

      1. Odd bodkins! Wouldst thou speak of such things afor 5 of the o’clock? Thou art surly a devil to hold a man’s thirst hostage by boasting of quenching your own in such a brilliant manner. Speak no more of this fair Herald or Apathetic or whatever… 😉 😎

  21. If thou goest not to gatherings where the demon drink is being partaken of, thou shalt not have to vex thyself with the ungodly behavior of the heathens.

    1. Ah, a fundy thinking ahead!

      Most fundys I know would follow co-heir’s plan first, and then walk away at the first sight of demon drink. Some loudly, some quietly.

    2. Imagine my confusion. My mom was (is) a fundy, my dad was an alcoholic. YIKES! Can anyone imagine what kind of mind games I endured?

      1. I know exactly what you mean. My mom – uber fundy & borderline personality disorder – and my dad – alcoholic tried to pretend to be fundy on Sunday… I KNOW.

  22. I love this: “thou shalt be light in their eyes and salt in their wounds.” That’s what happens when you use God’s words (or your interpretation of them) to do the OPPOSITE of what God intended, i.e. love people.

  24. Does anyone know what a testimony actually is? I had one and then I lost it without ever quite knowing exactly what it was. The closest I can think of is that it is some form of “Fundy cred”.

  25. If thou somehow endst up at a church that has a peculiar worship style by mistake, ye shall in no wise participate in their sinful methods of worship. For in doing so ye shall show those decieved by Satan’s lies how self-righteous thou art. And thou shalt have free reign to make fun of the wicked worship service when thou arrivest home of on Facebook.

    This unfortunately happened one time when my church’s traveling youth choir was invited to sing at another church. Because the sign said “Baptist”, they assumed it was IFB. However, it was in fact a contemporary SBC church. During the praise-and-worship congregational singing, our choir wouldn’t sing. I actually got in trouble for singing. The church leaders at our church were furious, and shortly afterward told the poor church that we will never come back and sing again because of their “sinful” worship style… The whole thing makes me sick, especially how everyone was making fun of the church and worship style on the way home from the service. But I guess it did have one good outcome: it opened my eyes to the corruption of the IFB church.

    2. Wow! I had no idea! I always assumed IFBs just had scorn for non-Baptists. I love this site, but I’ve never posted because I’m not fundy and not Baptist, so I don’t feel I’ve paid the price of admission. But I always had the impression from a distance the Southern Baptists were pretty fundamentalist themselves. So IFBs think the SBC is what? A bunch of libs?!

      1. In a word, yes. I went to a certain Fundy U. While there, I was taught that we were to maintain our distance from the SBC. Most SBC are not acceptable to the hard-core fundies. It is bizarre but true.

        1. Checked out the Way of Life site, and saw an article on the homepage about Tennessee Temple. He wrote that Dr. Robertson “didn’t give personal gifts to his female secretaries. He said that even if he saw his secretary walking in a driving rainstorm he would not have stopped to pick her up lest someone see it and get the wrong idea.” Nice guy.

        3. It’s funny, a lot of these are reasons why I’m not IFB anymore.
          1) “Denominations are not scriptural.” I always hate the fact that they tout their denomination over everything else, even claiming that Jesus was Baptist…wtf. Jesus never had a name for his church except for “church”
          3)SBC refuses to discipline Billy Grahm but what about every IFB pastor that allows horrors to go on under his “rule”.
          This list is a lot of self-righteous crap.

      3. They’re generally equal-opportunity scorners. Anyone who isn’t part of their church/circle of churches gets scorned. Some for this, some for that, but scorn is scorn.

        1. My parents didn’t like Falwell. They thought he wasn’t separated enough.

        2. @Pastor Gary, there are layers and layers of fundamentalism that you have no idea of! BJU, for example, would have nothing to do with Liberty University or Falwell, considering them nowhere near fundamental.

  26. If thou are in the presence of Evil-utionists, pull out thy sword of the Lord and boldly proclaim that there is no way possible that the earth is millions of years old because if it is in the Bible that means God said it and you believe it. No questions asked. Then show them your laminated life time membership to the Creation Museum and invite the Evil-utionist to join you on a fun filled family trip!

    1. “Evil-utionist”–Ha! I love it. 😈 Did you make that up or is that an actual Fundy preacher word?

        1. I was fortunate. Rather than talk about “evil-ution” we studied it. One of my Bible teachers was working on his doctorate in microbiology. He pointed out there are different types and aspects of evolution. Just because some are true does not mean all are. 🙂

  27. And thus shalt no man know that thou art a Christian, by thy lack of love. And also common courtesy.

  28. man, this was TOTALLY me during my time as a fundy, especially the workplace part. i’m such a happier and more loving person now. i was a total jerk back then, as are many fundies.

    2. Oiy, me too. I was as nice as could be while waving my standard high. Never went out with the co-workers after work, I was the only one. They stopped asking. I wish I could get a do-over. 🙁

      1. One of my coworkers told me once that the rest of them had discussed inviting me to join them, but they knew I didn’t drink. They decided I must be Mormon and didn’t bother inviting me.

  29. I’ve been trying to teach my junior age Sunday school class this concept. That Jesus said other people would know we are Christians by the love we show others – not by our outward appearance. I also told them this past Sunday that Christians can be the meanest people they’ll ever meet. One boy was incredulous. I’m sure he told his family on the way home. But sadly it’s the truth.

  30. Darrell I’ve been reading your site for a while and I must say, you are becoming more and more talented a writer. The satire is sharp in all the right ways, and I enjoy it. keep up the good work.

  31. My, my, my…I can still hear my little kiddos condemning “immodest” clothing (eyes rolling), alcohol, movie theaters and the evils of public school…because I TAUGHT THEM THAT! Shame…guilt…many apologies later…they are now in public school and we all wear normal clothing. We also have champagne, mojitos, and Heinekin in the fridge currently…hmmm, sounds like a lot when I type it out like that 😎 ahem…so then. Moving on…moving on…AND we have a Drive-in birthday party planned. According to most fundies we’re going to hell and we’re just blessed that May 21 wasn’t the real date. GOSH! 😯 I need a nap.

  32. 1 month and a half to go……….I’m slowly starting to breathe again. :mrgreen:

  33. “the theater is a place of pure evil such that no true believer must darken its already dark halls. Then thou shalt enquire if she knowest if it is coming out on DVD so that thou mightest buy it and watch it in thy home instead.”

    LOL!

  34. The Check-out Clerk at Walmart asking the kids if they are ready for Santa is awkward too…

    1. My daughter was really freaked out that “someone” was coming to our house and would get upset when people asked, but not because we were all holy about it or anything.

    2. Some mean little kid at my in-laws’ IFB church had my nephew in tears by telling him there was no Santa. My in-laws did “Santa” because to them, it’s letting him keep his innocence and have fun. Needless to say, the fun-spoiler was the preacher’s kid.

      1. I tell my kids the actual stories of Saint Nicholas, which are great stories for kids–saving people from slavery, being the original secret Santa, terrifying the bad guys from hundreds of miles away, etc. I explain that at Christmastime, we’re all Santa’s helpers, and that a present “from Santa” is from somebody who wants to do something really nice for you without expecting an ego boost in return. It’s worked out pretty well so far. Somebody asked my oldest if she believes in Santa Claus, and she said, “Yup! Bishop Nicholas is in Heaven! And this year I’m Santa’s helper.”

        1. You may as well have taught your kid to curse in Sunday School as to say “Bishop Nicholas” in and IFB church. Shame (and an optional pox) upon thee.

        2. “I explain that at Christmastime, we’re all Santa’s helpers, and that a present “from Santa” is from somebody who wants to do something really nice for you without expecting an ego boost in return.”

          That’s a nice thing to teach them 🙂

        3. Okay, that is the sweetest thing in the world. If I ever have children, I am genuinely going to keep this in mind. What an awesome way to explain the idea of Santa!

  36. and in so doing thou shalt be light in their eyes and salt in their wounds.

    Brilliant!…absolutely Brilliant! This is right on the money, Darrell. I loved it.

  37. My mother has an uglier version of this. She Jew baits. When in the company of any Jewish person (usually a doctor or my inlaws!), she will say Jesus or Christ like a turrets patient on crack. Jewish person “How are you today?” Mom “Great, with JESUS in MY heart I have perfect peace and assurance.”

    1. OMG I can’t stand people like that! I have an fb friend who posts stuff like that at least 3 times a day.

  38. When my grandmother’s doc asked her if she wanted her mother to be revived in the event of cardiac arrest (she was dying, in the hospital) my mother said, “I know my mother is saved by the blood of CHRIST and that she will be with JESUS after she passes…” Doctor: So, no?

    2. Oh, you have one of those in your family, too. Mine is my sister. My sister’s voice mail: “Family, friends and church members, please leave a message. All others, goodbye! And, as always to God be the glory.” Makes me want to vomit every time I hear it.

      1. How many people have left messages saying “Goodbye and good riddance”? I’m sure more than one person has thought that.

      2. Translation: Go F yourselves, non cultists, ’cause I said the magic prayer and got my azzh*le license from Jesus!

  39. “Then thou shalt enquire if she knowest if it is coming out on DVD” Hahaha, so true!
    Great post.
    Reminds me of a time at college when my car battery died and the AAA guy who came to jump start it said “thank you, this is the first time i’ve been here that someone didn’t try to shove their religion down my throat.” He was really annoyed by all of “us”. Whaaat a testimony, hay-men? 🙄

  41. “the stain of it shall be in thy heart and in thy soul and be muttered under thy breath when thou growest old.”

    Love it!

    2. My mom told me that we have to be very careful not to listen to bad language because if we were ever under anesthesia or if we became senile, the evil words in our subconscious would come out, showing everyone that our heart was really full of sin instead of Jesus.

      1. I remember being told that too. Funny thing is, my Fundy Grandma is in a nursing home with dementia. Guess what kind of words she uses!

        1. I know what kind my Pentecostal-turned-Baptist Grandma used. Incidentally, I was not allowed to use any of those words.

      2. I was taught at BJU by a certain General Psych teacher whose Psychology “textbook” was the BIBLE that we don’t have a SUBconscious. So hmmmm…… 😐

      3. Funny, all I need is some jerk merging his SUV while blabbing on a phone and not looking to set me off…

  42. I do love this post. I don’t think I can count the times I’ve told a fundy “I don’t think testimony means what you think it means” when they pull that crap. Thoroughly enjoyable to watch them try to make up reasons why testimony means what you don’t do.

  43. And thou shalt know thou art in the presence of such an one as this when you observe the following: The room grows dark and ominous. There is a chill as all the warmth of human kindness flees from the presence of this kind. The joy of life is suddenly sucked from the room.

    1. You must have met my mother. Also, you feel you identity and your very soul crumble.

        2. John,

          Dementors are the very things I was thinking of myself.

  44. “Yea, verily thou shalt make a right prat of thyself” is a phrase I can imagine becoming quite useful here on SFL:

    Fundy Accuser: “You ex-fundies are so bitter. You need to get right with God. Don’t you know that the Bible says the wicked do not prosper? How can you prosper if you spend your time blaspheming on a site like SFL?”

    My Answer: “Yay, verily, thou art making a right prat of thyself.”

  45. Just this past Easter (or Resuurection Day) I listened on-line to an entire sermon that by a fundy that never mentioned the Passion, Death or Resurrection of our Lord. No, the entire sermon was about Gawd’s Holy Standards, and how we need to live up to them. I kid you not.

    Cult? Yes, I’d say so.

  47. Ya that’s what I mean, I thought I remembered seeing an actual list somewhere on here.

    1. Darrell has the Fundy Rules in the right-hand margin on the home page, but those aren’t the “book of regulations.”

  48. Raised Southern Baptist, two of the three apply. The congregation trusted each other’s judgment, in regards to going to the movie theatre. Music seemed to apply, (for a while) mostly after the youth group returned from Summer camp in Georgia.

    If a discussion regarding the undenible presence of alcoholic beverages in the Bible was brought up, and the perspective that maybe alcohol wasn’t 100% bad, then the more pious one in the group will bring up that drinking in public will “effect my witness”. The assistant pastor even brought up that alcohol is not even necessary in this fantastic brave new world of choices with so many canned and bottled soft drinks. (and tea and coffee.) The message he preached was that the wine Jesus drank was really, just watered down and the alcohol in it was a practical disinfectant, and necessary with a questionable water supply.

    And those Sunday School teacher recollections of them embarrasing themselves in the workplace by swearing were kind of pitiful.

    1. “9When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom,

      10And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now.” I’m sorry but how the HEdoublehockysticks do they get non or lesser alcoholic out of that?! 🙄 You can paraphrase the “ruler of the feast” as saying “Hey, why did you save the good stuff untill everyone was drunk? Usually we get people drunk on this stuff first!” 😮

    2. I actually heard one sermon about how people claiming that Jesus was drinking actual wine were extremely uneducated because as every good fundy knows, the “process of fermentation” as we know it today didn’t begin until the 15th century. 🙄 However, this confused the heck out of me because if wine wasn’t around till the middle ages, then how can we say Jesus taught against it?!

  50. I love these ‘commandment’ excerpts. Madly.
    Oh geez, it can be so hard to not drink without sounding like a sanctimonious twerp. I remember one day at (secular) college, there was a little event during the day and a “beverage garden” in which people were also playing games and such. I went in, and yakked with several of my classmates. One asked if I was gonna have a beer, and I just smiled and said, “Nah”. These guys, being sweethearts, said, “Oh, I’ll buy you one!” To which I responded, “Oh, no thanks! I’m fine!” Then several of them offered to buy me a beer! And I had to say, “Oh no thanks, I don’t drink” and try to say it without sounding like, well, a prat. So one girl says, “Ah, I don’t drink either, but I’m having a beer now!” Oh geeeeez, I felt awful, trying so hard not to seem like a twerp – I just grinned and tried to change the subject, I think. And desperately hoped I hadn’t been a twit.
    (I don’t think drinking is wrong, I just don’t drink myself – things that mess with neurotransmitters weird me out)

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